Wife’s routine spending - what is normal?

[Anonymous]

We just had our second child and are starting to feel some financial pressures. We have been comfortable but I’d like to be a little more budget conscious. To that end DW and I sat down to examine our monthly spending and I am surprised at how much she spends on a routine basis. When I ask her to cut back she said all of this is “normal” spending for a woman her age. Of course I’m aware women’s things tend to cost more but she spends so much more than I do and I wonder how common this is. For example she spends -

200/month gym membership
100/month on two manicures / pedicures
200 every 3-4 months on hair cuts
200-300 every couple months on skin products
Once a year massage or spa , around 200
Every couple of months I see 300-600 on the credit card for clothes, she says some of this gets returned and that she needs more clothes recently due to size changes of having two kids in past 4 years
Once or twice a year she makes a bigger purchase between 500-1000, could be bag, jewelry, shoes, clothing. It’s usually a birthday or anniversary gift.
50-100 /month on coffee or lunch - this is just for her , not family take out or eating out
She also likes to buy clothes frequently for the kids but I’ll leave that out.
These are the main recurring categories we identified.

In comparison, I spend 60/month on the gym, rarely buy clothes or personal products, and spend less than 100 a year on haircuts.

Current HHI is 250k. We live in Bethesda. I think it’s important to add she stopped working after we had our first kid. Our HHI was 450k when she was working. She does plan to go back to work after the second kid goes to preschool around 2 or 3 but we are not sure she will go back to the same salary level.

She’s a wonderful, engaged mother and I do appreciate that she always looks really good. She does a lot around the house too and for our general family life logistics and planning. I don’t want to micromanage her spending. We can afford it but I’d like her to cut down at least while we are on one income so we can save more at the end of each month. What would be a reasonable ask here? How much are other women of similar HHI spending on a monthly basis?

[Anonymous]

Take all of this with a grain of salt as we are DINKS. We have just started tracking very carefully, HHI of 280.
What your wife has here is a representative of what I cut back to after thinking that it was too much going out the door.

[Anonymous]

Guy here, nothing there is a red flag by any stretch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take all of this with a grain of salt as we are DINKS. We have just started tracking very carefully, HHI of 280.
What your wife has here is a representative of what I cut back to after thinking that it was too much going out the door.

Following up: If she is doing the grocery shopping and cooking and is managing that budget then I think it's reasonable for her to have this "allowance." if you can afford it and she will go back to working later.

Careful attention there got us from 1200 a month to 600 and it was me doing the careful attention.

A better way to go about it is to have a savings goal that is reasonable and not somehow punitive of the fact that she is not working and let her work in that budget.

[Anonymous]

46 y.o. mom of two kids. This is less than what I spend on my appearance, but we have a higher income. I also have a job where I travel and am in front of large audiences frequently, so certain things I spend on make it easier to do my job (e.g. Brazilian blowouts so I don't have to spend time styling my hair).

The one thing that stands out to me is the $500-$1K on a luxury item annually. When we earned closer to what you do, I would not have done that.

Overall, it doesn't matter what's normal, it's what you can afford. When our HHI was closer to yours, DH and I both set ourselves monthly budgets for personal spending. I tracked mine pretty closely at the time. Notably, while I do spend more now and don't track things, some of the habits related to thinking about the trade-offs when making purchases have stayed with me.

[Anonymous]

She IS working, by the way. Think what you’d spend on child care, cleaner, laundry service, and cooking for your child.

[Anonymous]

PP again. I think it's unhealthy to think about this in terms of whether your wife does enough and "deserves" to spend on herself. You are together building a life and a family. If there are concerns about who is pulling more weight in that regard, I would address it separately from your budget. Your DW should not feel like she is "earning" the right to get her hair cut...that will not end well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP again. I think it's unhealthy to think about this in terms of whether your wife does enough and "deserves" to spend on herself. You are together building a life and a family. If there are concerns about who is pulling more weight in that regard, I would address it separately from your budget. Your DW should not feel like she is "earning" the right to get her hair cut...that will not end well.

DINK from above. Agree. The gym should possibly not be in this category/discussion either unless it's pricey personal training services or something like that (raises hand!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here, nothing there is a red flag by any stretch.

+1 Lady here, and I agree.

$200/mo for a gym membership is high, but if she goes, consider it an investment in long-term health

Clothes budget also seems high, but she has a point so I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it

[Anonymous]

We have a 110K HHI, and therefore I spend proportionally less on myself.

I don't have a gym membership, I invested in inexpensive equipment at home during the pandemic and use the new Montgomery County indoor pool in Silver Spring. This costs me less year-round than a private gym membership. I do my own nails, I dye my hair at home (HUGE savings) and a relative cuts my hair. I don't like massages. I buy designer clothes on Poshmark (an online second-hand shop) so I have nice clothes for less. This is the life of the truly budget-conscious, but at your HHI, I think your wife can afford a bit more than I can.

It's not that her spending is outrageous, OP. Not at all! But you two need to share the same financial goals, and so looking at your expenses and earnings all laid out is extremely helpful in deciding where to make cuts.

Does your wife agree that expenses need to be reduced? Does she see another avenue to make cuts that you're not telling us here?

[Anonymous]

Normal.

[Anonymous]

There are a couple of issues here.

One is that it doesn't matter what is normal spending . . . what matters is whether you can afford her spending. But no, I don't think her spending sounds all that crazy. If you need to cut back, you should both come up with ideas you can live with.

The second issue is not micromanaging your spouse. You mention her luxury purchases which are considered anniversary or birthday presents . . . from YOU, right? To add that to the list of her spending sounds like you're not giving these things joyfully.

You live in a high cost of living area, and reducing your HHI by 45% is a huge change. Having young kids is not cheap, whether you have one parent stop working or daycare costs. You need to approach this time as a team - that means supporting and wanting good things for each other, and recognizing the big picture and what may not be within your means at this time.

[Anonymous]

The details in your posts are strange. You guys go to different gyms? Spending less than $100 per year on everything including hair cuts for you sounds crazy low. My husband visits a barber and spends more than that per year. You never replace clothes? Good mens shoes are very expensive. Why is none of that on your list but once a year massages on hers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
…
In comparison, I spend 60/month on the gym, rarely buy clothes or personal products, and spend less than 100 a year on haircuts.
…

So you’re a penny-pinching miser? Just kidding, but obviously you’re a saver and she’s a spender. And you’re making $250k, yet you’ve only came up with ~$1,000/month of personal expenses for her. That’s very, very average and not even a discussion worth having.

If you really think this is a problem, here’s how to solve it. First, pay yourself. Set a goal to save whatever percentage of your income, say 15-30%, in 401k/taxable/IRA/HYSA/529/etc. and put it aside as soon as your paycheck hits. Then whatever’s left is available to be freely spent. There’s only 1 rule to follow: Your joint checking account balance can’t go below $0.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take all of this with a grain of salt as we are DINKS. We have just started tracking very carefully, HHI of 280.
What your wife has here is a representative of what I cut back to after thinking that it was too much going out the door.

Yeah about the same here - we're DINKs with a HHI of about $270 and I would say my (wife) spending is about in line with your wife's. Little differences here and there - I don't get massages and don't belong to a gym; I spend a bit more on clothes. But about the same.

But, we don't have kids. On the other hand, our income is probably as high as it's ever going to be so we're not looking at doubling things in a few years when one of us leans back in.

Just to say: def doesn't seem like the most budget conscious spending you could fathom. Does not seem crazily out of control, either.

How is your wife feeling about trying to cut back?

However this goes, I would suggest not saying to her that you think she is spending too much because look how little you spend on nails, skin, or hair, or anything like that. Women - many women, anyway - care more about our appearances than men do. And our stuff just costs more. AND aging hits us differently, looks-wise. If my husband, who washes his face with shampoo, gave me a hard time about my skincare products we'd have one roiling argument that I don't think anyone would enjoy. Anyway, that's just a little marital tip there.