Call from DD’s Korean boyfriend’s parents- how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does his ethnicity have to do with anything?

What an ignorant, tone-deaf, progressive-American question to ask.

If you have to ask, PP, you likely will never understand.

May I suggest you obtain a passport, and travel outside the USA for once in your life? (since it is obvious you are completely ignorant of of other cultural views around the world).

THIS! And go back and READ the early comments starting around page 2 from Korean and Chinese families about why this is a concern from THEIR CULTURAL POINT OF VIEW!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar story from the other perspective. In college, I dated a Korean girl who came to America very young. We'd been dating a few months when summer break started and she came over to our house. She was the first girl I'd ever brought home, so I think my parents thought it was more serious than it really was. After the visit, my mom started having nightmares about us having mixed babies and asked me to stop seeing her. My dad also lectured me on the hierarchy of Asian ethnicities which didn't bode well for Koreans.

Honestly, this is what OP should say to the other parents. Pretend they are relieved! Let's see how they like it when the show is on the other foot.

LOL yes, say I'm so glad you called. I really can't see myself as a grandmother to a half chinese baby and they have to study so much I'm afraid they are intellectually behind. Also, you know, between you and me, I don't want my daughter to be saddened by a lifetime of... you know, a small man....

Just throw every ugly stereotype right back at them. I'm dying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an Asian American who was not born in the US but moved here in my childhood, I can attest that my parents were often clueless about the parenting norms in the US, just as you would be clueless if you moved to an Asian country. However, even though they were clueless they were always interested in learning about the differences. I have two suggestions.

First, in a nonjudgemental way, ask for him for the reason. Is he afraid his son will do poorly in college? Do they want him to focus on his school/career? You may not get the truth, but at least some idea.

Second, try to explain the cultural differences in a nonjudgmental way. Yes, you sympathize and want his son and your daughter to do well in school and in their careers. However, in western parenting it is not acceptable to tell adult children what to do. Explain that even if you wanted to be able to tell your daughter what to do, it would go against custom and be frowned upon.

My parents were usually willing to bend somewhat if they knew that what they were asking would be frowned upon by society at large, because they were very sensitive to social pressures. I gave up on trying to argue with them that my way was "the right way" or "the better way." I got a lot further by arguing that "this is the socially acceptable way here." This didn't always work but at least I had a chance. I have the feeling the dad might not listen, but the son probably won't just cave to the dad's wishes either. In the end, it would be better for everyone to stay as cordial as possible, because who knows...those might be your in laws some day!

I agree with your approach in the "Second, ..." paragraph. I'd be tempted to add that his request and threat to OP are also socially unacceptable. Frankly, how he chooses to deal with his own child sucks, but it is his business. How he is dealing with OP, and by extension OP's daughter, is wildly inappropriate. He is threatening to do something terrible to his son of OP doesn't bend to his will and do something she finds grossly inappropriate (not to mention impossible). It's blackmail, and that goes beyond "socially unacceptable."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a Korean friend put in this position and he dated his gf in secret for 7 years. His parents found out when they got the wedding invitation. He didn’t even tell his friends because he had told one friend early on and the friend accidentally leaked it to someone who leaked it to his parents so after that it was strict come pf silence. He said he was getting married and we all thought he was joking.

I don't think these types of situations are necessarily related to the ethnicity.

My Korean friend's parents did not like the girl he was dating; she was also Korean. So, he eventually broke it off, only to be heartbroken himself. He was in such a bad way his parents eventually gave in, but by that time, the girl had moved on and gotten married to someone else.

I'm sure stuff like this happens in other cultures/ethnicities.

Yes, it does. Before anyone gets uppity about how forward American culture is, I would like to remind people that segregated prom is still a thing in The South even today.

No it’s not. I don’t believe you unless you have an example. I live in the South and- gasp- many kids date outside their race.

FFS all you have to do is google "segregated proms south." Many schools only started integrating their prom traditions in this past decade, and some areas are still resistant to change. This may not be a thing if you don't live in the boonies, but it's definitely a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a Korean friend put in this position and he dated his gf in secret for 7 years. His parents found out when they got the wedding invitation. He didn’t even tell his friends because he had told one friend early on and the friend accidentally leaked it to someone who leaked it to his parents so after that it was strict come pf silence. He said he was getting married and we all thought he was joking.

I don't think these types of situations are necessarily related to the ethnicity.

My Korean friend's parents did not like the girl he was dating; she was also Korean. So, he eventually broke it off, only to be heartbroken himself. He was in such a bad way his parents eventually gave in, but by that time, the girl had moved on and gotten married to someone else.

I'm sure stuff like this happens in other cultures/ethnicities.

Yes, it does. Before anyone gets uppity about how forward American culture is, I would like to remind people that segregated prom is still a thing in The South even today.

No it’s not. I don’t believe you unless you have an example. I live in the South and- gasp- many kids date outside their race.

FFS all you have to do is google "segregated proms south." Many schools only started integrating their prom traditions in this past decade, and some areas are still resistant to change. This may not be a thing if you don't live in the boonies, but it's definitely a thing.

I even remember seeing a Morgan Freeman-narrated documentary about segregated proms. The point is, there are still American parents who object to interracial dating and marriage. Hopefully fewer now than when the documentary was made in 2009, but still there's room for progress everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a Korean friend put in this position and he dated his gf in secret for 7 years. His parents found out when they got the wedding invitation. He didn’t even tell his friends because he had told one friend early on and the friend accidentally leaked it to someone who leaked it to his parents so after that it was strict come pf silence. He said he was getting married and we all thought he was joking.

I don't think these types of situations are necessarily related to the ethnicity.

My Korean friend's parents did not like the girl he was dating; she was also Korean. So, he eventually broke it off, only to be heartbroken himself. He was in such a bad way his parents eventually gave in, but by that time, the girl had moved on and gotten married to someone else.

I'm sure stuff like this happens in other cultures/ethnicities.

Yes, it does. Before anyone gets uppity about how forward American culture is, I would like to remind people that segregated prom is still a thing in The South even today.

No it’s not. I don’t believe you unless you have an example. I live in the South and- gasp- many kids date outside their race.

FFS all you have to do is google "segregated proms south." Many schools only started integrating their prom traditions in this past decade, and some areas are still resistant to change. This may not be a thing if you don't live in the boonies, but it's definitely a thing.

FFS yourself. That was one school. People like you making stuff up and perpetuating this kind of hate is so wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a Korean friend put in this position and he dated his gf in secret for 7 years. His parents found out when they got the wedding invitation. He didn’t even tell his friends because he had told one friend early on and the friend accidentally leaked it to someone who leaked it to his parents so after that it was strict come pf silence. He said he was getting married and we all thought he was joking.

I don't think these types of situations are necessarily related to the ethnicity.

My Korean friend's parents did not like the girl he was dating; she was also Korean. So, he eventually broke it off, only to be heartbroken himself. He was in such a bad way his parents eventually gave in, but by that time, the girl had moved on and gotten married to someone else.

I'm sure stuff like this happens in other cultures/ethnicities.

Yes, it does. Before anyone gets uppity about how forward American culture is, I would like to remind people that segregated prom is still a thing in The South even today.

No it’s not. I don’t believe you unless you have an example. I live in the South and- gasp- many kids date outside their race.

FFS all you have to do is google "segregated proms south." Many schools only started integrating their prom traditions in this past decade, and some areas are still resistant to change. This may not be a thing if you don't live in the boonies, but it's definitely a thing.

FFS yourself. That was one school. People like you making stuff up and perpetuating this kind of hate is so wrong.

Wow, I don't know what to say. I could google this for you and you could see the evidence that it was more than just this one school, but somehow you'd still be mad at me. I grew up in the midwest and witnessed plenty of racism and heard racist commentary while growing up there, and I'm not even that old. How is it "perpetuating hate" to point out the truth? Some of my older relatives have made not-so-nice generalizations about people of other races and I suspect they still hold such views today. I don't think these are inherently mean people, but they were just raised a certain way and didn't experience other points of view. Why is it better to stick your head in the sand? Do you think we will make better progress that way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a Korean friend put in this position and he dated his gf in secret for 7 years. His parents found out when they got the wedding invitation. He didn’t even tell his friends because he had told one friend early on and the friend accidentally leaked it to someone who leaked it to his parents so after that it was strict come pf silence. He said he was getting married and we all thought he was joking.

I don't think these types of situations are necessarily related to the ethnicity.

My Korean friend's parents did not like the girl he was dating; she was also Korean. So, he eventually broke it off, only to be heartbroken himself. He was in such a bad way his parents eventually gave in, but by that time, the girl had moved on and gotten married to someone else.

I'm sure stuff like this happens in other cultures/ethnicities.

Yes, it does. Before anyone gets uppity about how forward American culture is, I would like to remind people that segregated prom is still a thing in The South even today.

No it’s not. I don’t believe you unless you have an example. I live in the South and- gasp- many kids date outside their race.

FFS all you have to do is google "segregated proms south." Many schools only started integrating their prom traditions in this past decade, and some areas are still resistant to change. This may not be a thing if you don't live in the boonies, but it's definitely a thing.

FFS yourself. That was one school. People like you making stuff up and perpetuating this kind of hate is so wrong.

You can always tell when people are drinking the right wing Kool aid or have little life experience. ^^

[Anonymous]

Please please please don’t prove I’m right

[Anonymous]

OP: Accept the call in order to assess the situation to determine whether or not your daughter needs protection or to exercise extreme caution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please please please don’t prove I’m right

What are you trying to be right about? That racism doesn't exist in America? Oh boy.

[Anonymous]

I would not talk to them. Your children are adults and I wouldn't get involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a Korean friend put in this position and he dated his gf in secret for 7 years. His parents found out when they got the wedding invitation. He didn’t even tell his friends because he had told one friend early on and the friend accidentally leaked it to someone who leaked it to his parents so after that it was strict come pf silence. He said he was getting married and we all thought he was joking.

I don't think these types of situations are necessarily related to the ethnicity.

My Korean friend's parents did not like the girl he was dating; she was also Korean. So, he eventually broke it off, only to be heartbroken himself. He was in such a bad way his parents eventually gave in, but by that time, the girl had moved on and gotten married to someone else.

I'm sure stuff like this happens in other cultures/ethnicities.

Yes, it does. Before anyone gets uppity about how forward American culture is, I would like to remind people that segregated prom is still a thing in The South even today.

No it’s not. I don’t believe you unless you have an example. I live in the South and- gasp- many kids date outside their race.

FFS all you have to do is google "segregated proms south." Many schools only started integrating their prom traditions in this past decade, and some areas are still resistant to change. This may not be a thing if you don't live in the boonies, but it's definitely a thing.

FFS yourself. That was one school. People like you making stuff up and perpetuating this kind of hate is so wrong.

Wow, I don't know what to say. I could google this for you and you could see the evidence that it was more than just this one school, but somehow you'd still be mad at me. I grew up in the midwest and witnessed plenty of racism and heard racist commentary while growing up there, and I'm not even that old. How is it "perpetuating hate" to point out the truth? Some of my older relatives have made not-so-nice generalizations about people of other races and I suspect they still hold such views today. I don't think these are inherently mean people, but they were just raised a certain way and didn't experience other points of view. Why is it better to stick your head in the sand? Do you think we will make better progress that way?

Well, you stated that within in that only in the last decade so 2014 that many schools desegregated their proms and to google segregated proms south. Well, here is the wiki page for that: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Segregated_prom

None of the examples are within the last 10 years, all of them were before. Did I write that segregated proms didn't' exist, NO. Did I imply that, also NO. But to claim that in very recent history, as in the last 10 years, that in "the south" "many schools" finally desegregated their proms is a lie. There is a terrible history of schools segregation in this country against people from many different groups (I myself was warehoused as a child by the public school system, google that, it actually IS still legal) and there absolutely are horrible cases of racism every single day in schools and out. But your statements are false.

[Anonymous]

They'll definitely cut him off if he stays with her. They were supposed to breakup before they left for college. It's wise to talk to your DD before she ends up getting really hurt years down the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't take the call.

This is the only answer.