I want my kids to go to top schools. Sue me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why so defensive?

Thoughts?

Ego. She sees her kids as an extension of herself and her own need to be better than others. When others put down top schools, she sees this as an attack on herself.

The same can be said for people not aiming for "top schools" while attacking those who are aiming for "top schools." They see this goal as an attack on themselves.

Dp. No not everyone is this insecure. I am happy for all those who get what their students want.

Not you, and not everyone, but I have seen lots of snippy parents here lambasting anyone whose (unhooked) kid is even trying for a t10/t20s. I believe this is what the OP is complaining about.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people THINK they are being judged, but they aren’t. My kids’ friends go to all different ranked schools/types, etc. Nobody cares. A good part of this is parents feeling they have to justify the college or it’s their own unfulfilled dream for their kid they didn’t voice- but it didn’t happen.

So if my kid goes to an Ivy next year, I’m judging every kid/parent that isn’t? Not. I’m thrilled my kid is doing just that, but I’m not looking down my nose at anyone else. A lot of his friends didn’t even apply to one and never wanted to attend one in the first place.

Look, I went to a large public state school and had an inferiority complex for some time. As if, I had to explain I had the stats/scores was #5 in my HS class - but my parents would only pay in-state. “See I really am smart!” I grew up and realized those are my own insecurities speaking. As adults nobody should care. Stay in your own lane and don’t care what anyone else thinks or doesn’t think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it such a crime to want your child to get into a top school? Obviously “top” can mean different things, but whether it’s HYPSM or Ivies or even T50s, it shouldn’t be a horrible thing for parents to want their children to meet certain academic standards. It’s annoyed when people are attacked for wanting their kids to get a good education.

My hypothesis is that the people criticizing these parents are the parents of children who aren’t high-achieving enough to get into good schools. Otherwise, why does it matter to them so much?

Thoughts?

It isn't a crime to eat at McDonalds every day either, but people can criticize it. Versus hypothesizing, you would be better off parsing their criticism and take out of it what is of value and discard the rest. If you did so you might find the useful criticisms to be:
1. Those who are obsessed about ranking T20s/T50s should realize that a good education can come from anywhere and successful people come from less ranked universities too (eg., Tim Cook went to Auburn #97).
2. A fit for the child is important too. eg., Look up student feedback on Cornell, Columbia or Chicago in the areas of competition vs cooperation, student happiness, workload, balance... these schools are good for some students but others will be miserable there. The parent's ambition or ignorance could hurt the child if forced into the wrong schools.
3. It's the child's life not the parent's. Some parents brush aside the thinking of their children assuming they don"t know much or even worse assuming they are lazy or not ambitious. It is important to guide not decide for the child here

Thank you, this was very thoughtful and helpful.

We struggle with fit. My DD is urm from a mediocre public school w full ib diploma. She is humble and intimidated by the brochures and letters that encourage her to apply. Her top choice is state flagship.

DH is legacy to hyp but did not fit in. Has it gotten better for urm or is it up to the kids to make it better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it such a crime to want your child to get into a top school? Obviously “top” can mean different things, but whether it’s HYPSM or Ivies or even T50s, it shouldn’t be a horrible thing for parents to want their children to meet certain academic standards. It’s annoyed when people are attacked for wanting their kids to get a good education.

My hypothesis is that the people criticizing these parents are the parents of children who aren’t high-achieving enough to get into good schools. Otherwise, why does it matter to them so much?

Thoughts?

It isn't a crime to eat at McDonalds every day either, but people can criticize it. Versus hypothesizing, you would be better off parsing their criticism and take out of it what is of value and discard the rest. If you did so you might find the useful criticisms to be:
1. Those who are obsessed about ranking T20s/T50s should realize that a good education can come from anywhere and successful people come from less ranked universities too (eg., Tim Cook went to Auburn #97).
2. A fit for the child is important too. eg., Look up student feedback on Cornell, Columbia or Chicago in the areas of competition vs cooperation, student happiness, workload, balance... these schools are good for some students but others will be miserable there. The parent's ambition or ignorance could hurt the child if forced into the wrong schools.
3. It's the child's life not the parent's. Some parents brush aside the thinking of their children assuming they don"t know much or even worse assuming they are lazy or not ambitious. It is important to guide not decide for the child here

Thank you, this was very thoughtful and helpful.

We struggle with fit. My DD is urm from a mediocre public school w full ib diploma. She is humble and intimidated by the brochures and letters that encourage her to apply. Her top choice is state flagship.

DH is legacy to hyp but did not fit in. Has it gotten better for urm or is it up to the kids to make it better?

The SC just rules affirmative action illegal, so I'd assume it's about to get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who went to college in the 90s, the reality of current college admissions hit me the same way the reality of housing costs hit me when I moved here. We initially bought a condo instead of a SFH and we learned high stats can get make Penn State a target instead of Penn.

We wanted out kid to go to a top 25 school, but that's just b/c we thought they should. Then, we actually asked our kid what they wanted and a lot of schools were scrapped off the list b/c of distance or weather. If UNC is the highest ranked school where they send an application, we are OK with it. If they wanted to go to school in Mass, NJ, NY, CT, ME, etc, we'd support them, but that's not where they want to spend their 4 years after high school.

Because getting into UNC out of state is just so easy…

You are missing the point. The point is that when the kid is looking at rankings, they aren't even interested in any school in the T20. No one's reach school is easy to get into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to pay 400k, so either top 20 where we qualify for FA or jump down a level to a school ranked 50-60.

The only schools we're not looking at are those very good but no real merit and no FA (like BC) and OOS publics that give no merit.

Yup, our family too. It's either an ivy or an in state public, maybe a merit-happy LAC. No in between.

I mean Ivys are great but they suck a bit at the moment. Rest of top 25 better IMO at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think once you hit 40 you accumulate life experience and realize where people went to college matters very little. The college landscape has also changed so much that most people (maybe not DCUM people!) understand someone choosing an "inferior" school or a state school over an Ivy might have done it simply because their top choice was not affordable at all given current prices. And of course a good education can be obtained everywhere. So there is nothing wrong with whatever path your kids want, as long as you do not put down other choices or judge them as less worthy.

My mom is 80 years old, at a “over 55” complex and last night another resident asked her where she went to college. We had a laugh over that. The woman wanted my mom to know she went to Smith. BUT- the really big thing is everyone brags about where their grandkids go to college. My mom bought a t-shirt from my kid’s Ivy to wear around. Lol

That's a little sad!

+1 I cannot imagine wearing a college T-shirt at age 50, much less 80 unless it's while attending a school related event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think once you hit 40 you accumulate life experience and realize where people went to college matters very little. The college landscape has also changed so much that most people (maybe not DCUM people!) understand someone choosing an "inferior" school or a state school over an Ivy might have done it simply because their top choice was not affordable at all given current prices. And of course a good education can be obtained everywhere. So there is nothing wrong with whatever path your kids want, as long as you do not put down other choices or judge them as less worthy.

My mom is 80 years old, at a “over 55” complex and last night another resident asked her where she went to college. We had a laugh over that. The woman wanted my mom to know she went to Smith. BUT- the really big thing is everyone brags about where their grandkids go to college. My mom bought a t-shirt from my kid’s Ivy to wear around. Lol

That's a little sad!

+1 I cannot imagine wearing a college T-shirt at age 50, much less 80 unless it's while attending a school related event.

You're boring. Love wearing my kid's school colors...Go Terps! Wherever child 2 ends up, I'll double my collegiate wear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of DCUM agrees with you even if they won’t admit it.

+1. Otherwise, why the heck are they checking the college forum? It's not necessarily an Ivy they are aiming for, but they are aiming for whatever is "best" for their child. The annoying thing is when people think that what is best for their own kid is also best for everyone else's kid.

What? People check this forum to get information about ... colleges and universities. It's the "College and University" discussion forum, not the "Top Twenty Colleges and Universities" discussion forum.

[Anonymous]

I want my kid to be a pavement engineer. Can't do that at the ivies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to pay 400k, so either top 20 where we qualify for FA or jump down a level to a school ranked 50-60.

The only schools we're not looking at are those very good but no real merit and no FA (like BC) and OOS publics that give no merit.

Yup, our family too. It's either an ivy or an in state public, maybe a merit-happy LAC. No in between.

I mean Ivys are great but they suck a bit at the moment. Rest of top 25 better IMO at the moment.

Harvard has its problems, but it still gives out better aid than schools like Hopkins or WashU, to say nothing of the OOS publics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to pay 400k, so either top 20 where we qualify for FA or jump down a level to a school ranked 50-60.

The only schools we're not looking at are those very good but no real merit and no FA (like BC) and OOS publics that give no merit.

Yup, our family too. It's either an ivy or an in state public, maybe a merit-happy LAC. No in between.

I mean Ivys are great but they suck a bit at the moment. Rest of top 25 better IMO at the moment.

Harvard has its problems, but it still gives out better aid than schools like Hopkins or WashU, to say nothing of the OOS publics.

Not better for donut hole. Those other schools give merit prices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to pay 400k, so either top 20 where we qualify for FA or jump down a level to a school ranked 50-60.

The only schools we're not looking at are those very good but no real merit and no FA (like BC) and OOS publics that give no merit.

Yup, our family too. It's either an ivy or an in state public, maybe a merit-happy LAC. No in between.

I mean Ivys are great but they suck a bit at the moment. Rest of top 25 better IMO at the moment.

I dont understand this. I went to college when students camped out in the quad all the time, made noise, etc. The issue du jour was divestment from South Africa - the kids were right about that. And I live and work near Columbia so I saw this unfold. I thought the media made a lot of it and the administration didn't respond proportionally (ie, make people show ID to get on campus, cut the electricity to the quad). There were some bad days, but ... do you really think life on Dartmouth or Brown or Yale in 2024 is a lot different than in 2018? I don't. Kids dont care about admins comings and goings. Or the alumni donator class. The dorms are the same, the faculty is the same, the food is the same, the location is the same, the parties are the same, the sports are the same ..

I could have made a case for this during covid, but not now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to pay 400k, so either top 20 where we qualify for FA or jump down a level to a school ranked 50-60.

The only schools we're not looking at are those very good but no real merit and no FA (like BC) and OOS publics that give no merit.

Yup, our family too. It's either an ivy or an in state public, maybe a merit-happy LAC. No in between.

I mean Ivys are great but they suck a bit at the moment. Rest of top 25 better IMO at the moment.

Harvard has its problems, but it still gives out better aid than schools like Hopkins or WashU, to say nothing of the OOS publics.

Not better for donut hole. Those other schools give merit prices.

They do, but it's very hard to get merit at Hopkins and WashU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to pay 400k, so either top 20 where we qualify for FA or jump down a level to a school ranked 50-60.

The only schools we're not looking at are those very good but no real merit and no FA (like BC) and OOS publics that give no merit.

Yup, our family too. It's either an ivy or an in state public, maybe a merit-happy LAC. No in between.

I mean Ivys are great but they suck a bit at the moment. Rest of top 25 better IMO at the moment.

Harvard has its problems, but it still gives out better aid than schools like Hopkins or WashU, to say nothing of the OOS publics.

Not better for donut hole. Those other schools give merit prices.

I whine about being a donut hole family every chance I get. Sue me.

Thoughts?