I want my kids to go to top schools. Sue me.

[Anonymous]

As someone who went to college in the 90s, the reality of current college admissions hit me the same way the reality of housing costs hit me when I moved here. We initially bought a condo instead of a SFH and we learned high stats can get make Penn State a target instead of Penn.

We wanted out kid to go to a top 25 school, but that's just b/c we thought they should. Then, we actually asked our kid what they wanted and a lot of schools were scrapped off the list b/c of distance or weather. If UNC is the highest ranked school where they send an application, we are OK with it. If they wanted to go to school in Mass, NJ, NY, CT, ME, etc, we'd support them, but that's not where they want to spend their 4 years after high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it such a crime to want your child to get into a top school? Obviously “top” can mean different things, but whether it’s HYPSM or Ivies or even T50s, it shouldn’t be a horrible thing for parents to want their children to meet certain academic standards. It’s annoyed when people are attacked for wanting their kids to get a good education.

My hypothesis is that the people criticizing these parents are the parents of children who aren’t high-achieving enough to get into good schools. Otherwise, why does it matter to them so much?

Thoughts?

You are conflating academic performance with attending highly-ranked colleges and universities. They are not the same thing, especially in this age of $90,000/year price tags.

We place(d) a high value on academic performance and expected our kids to do well (and they did). We did/do not place a high value on brand-name schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why so defensive?

Thoughts?

Ego. She sees her kids as an extension of herself and her own need to be better than others. When others put down top schools, she sees this as an attack on herself.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to pay 400k, so either top 20 where we qualify for FA or jump down a level to a school ranked 50-60.

The only schools we're not looking at are those very good but no real merit and no FA (like BC) and OOS publics that give no merit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally agree OP! My husband and I grew up deprived. When our kid graduated from Princeton, it was one of the best days of our lives. It showed us that the American Dream is still possible. Our kid has done better than our wildest dreams.

I love this.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who went to college in the 90s, the reality of current college admissions hit me the same way the reality of housing costs hit me when I moved here. We initially bought a condo instead of a SFH and we learned high stats can get make Penn State a target instead of Penn.

We wanted out kid to go to a top 25 school, but that's just b/c we thought they should. Then, we actually asked our kid what they wanted and a lot of schools were scrapped off the list b/c of distance or weather. If UNC is the highest ranked school where they send an application, we are OK with it. If they wanted to go to school in Mass, NJ, NY, CT, ME, etc, we'd support them, but that's not where they want to spend their 4 years after high school.

Because getting into UNC out of state is just so easy…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to pay 400k, so either top 20 where we qualify for FA or jump down a level to a school ranked 50-60.

The only schools we're not looking at are those very good but no real merit and no FA (like BC) and OOS publics that give no merit.

Yup, our family too. It's either an ivy or an in state public, maybe a merit-happy LAC. No in between.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all of the pages. But for me, I truly don’t care what any other family’s college goals are. What bothers me is the judgment and condescension toward families that don’t share the same philosophy. Every kid who doesn’t aim for the highest ranked school is automatically assumed to be a lesser student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of DCUM agrees with you even if they won’t admit it.

+1. Otherwise, why the heck are they checking the college forum? It's not necessarily an Ivy they are aiming for, but they are aiming for whatever is "best" for their child. The annoying thing is when people think that what is best for their own kid is also best for everyone else's kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why so defensive?

Thoughts?

Ego. She sees her kids as an extension of herself and her own need to be better than others. When others put down top schools, she sees this as an attack on herself.

The same can be said for people not aiming for "top schools" while attacking those who are aiming for "top schools." They see this goal as an attack on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it such a crime to want your child to get into a top school? Obviously “top” can mean different things, but whether it’s HYPSM or Ivies or even T50s, it shouldn’t be a horrible thing for parents to want their children to meet certain academic standards. It’s annoyed when people are attacked for wanting their kids to get a good education.

My hypothesis is that the people criticizing these parents are the parents of children who aren’t high-achieving enough to get into good schools. Otherwise, why does it matter to them so much?

Thoughts?

There is so much to unpack in your question. There is nothing wrong with wanting the best however, you are judging people pretty severely for not having kids as you say 'aren't high achieving'

I have a totally different viewpoint. I view my children as seperate people. With their strengths, weaknesses, wants and desires. My self esteem is not wrapped up in the sucess of my kids. They are free to choose how they want to live.

Aside from not being a drug or alcohol or doing things illegally I get satiafaction when my kids xhoose an activity/ school thst they love and excel.

If I had to push them and then created very unhappy people I would have failed as a parent.

The old example of a fish who can't climb a tree isb't considered a failure. Why do kids have to be forced and molded into things they might not be a natural fit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think top schools = top notch education, or do you just want to be able to brag about where they go to school?

It's going to be both, isn't it? They will get a better education at MIT and most of the other top 20s. And more importantly, they will have a bright, accomplished peer group and an interesting college experience. And also generally better professional opportunities. And of course the parents are going to feel validated and think they did a good job with the parenting thing. Not sure where the issue is.

Dp. How about the parents of the kids at high pressure schools who cheat and lie just to get that A? Or the kids who commit suicide because thet don't want to disappoint their parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people want their kids to go to the best school they can afford. If you’re focused exclusively on the “best” part, it’s probably because you either have a giant amount of money or you’re naive about costs.

Also, everyone has a different definition of “top.” You mentioned “top 50” as one definition. You may be surprised to learn that these are some schools that are within the “top 50”:

UMD
UC Irvine
University of Georgia
University of Florida
University of Rochester
University of Richmond
Connecticut College
Depauw University

For things like CS, Math, Engineering, Physics, and Economics, UMD is even T20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why so defensive?

Thoughts?

Ego. She sees her kids as an extension of herself and her own need to be better than others. When others put down top schools, she sees this as an attack on herself.

The same can be said for people not aiming for "top schools" while attacking those who are aiming for "top schools." They see this goal as an attack on themselves.

Dp. No not everyone is this insecure. I am happy for all those who get what their students want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think top schools = top notch education, or do you just want to be able to brag about where they go to school?

It's going to be both, isn't it? They will get a better education at MIT and most of the other top 20s. And more importantly, they will have a bright, accomplished peer group and an interesting college experience. And also generally better professional opportunities. And of course the parents are going to feel validated and think they did a good job with the parenting thing. Not sure where the issue is.

Dp. How about the parents of the kids at high pressure schools who cheat and lie just to get that A? Or the kids who commit suicide because thet don't want to disappoint their parents?

PP has hit on a real problem where parents and sometimes kids aim for a school that doesn't suit them academically. It can be a great thing when an intellectually curious and academically motivated kid goes to a high pressure school. And it can be a disaster when some kids go to such schools just because the school name is highly desirable for status.