Strictly ranting: my kid is so average it hurts :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want him to do, OP? Improve his grades? Start a club? Become famous on TikTok?

You need to redefine his successes (e.g., having friends, eating healthy, reading manga) and stop comparing him with others.

I want him to want to get As and fking work for it. I don’t think it is very hard. Just stop acting like schoolwork is something unbearably boring and tedious! Ugh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he needs to work a little harder if he has a 2.9 GPA. And why isn't he likeable? Maybe there are some hints you can give. Like if he's super grumpy/whiny or he talks too much without asking about the other person.

He is in middle school. Like who cares about the GPA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds very sweet, OP, and he will come into his own and shine.

If his GPA is low, and he's "shy" and not focused, have you thought that he may have inattentive ADHD? My son has that (along with other issues) and ADHD meds were a lifesaver in middle and high school while he caught up. Graduated high school with a 4.67 GPA. Now he's in college and doesn't use his meds except for exam days.

Just making a suggestion.

Thank you! It has occurred to me, but it’s more like he either doesn’t want to work harder or maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize that the quality of work he produces is not up to par. Like, he will say - oh I missed assignment X and got an F, but I’ll ace assignment Y and make up the grade. Then, he gets a C on assignment Y and is flabbergasted.

Yeah, I think you should spend some time teaching him how things work and less time lamenting that he isn’t you.

Oh trust me we had many conversations. Doesn’t seem to lead anywhere.

If he’s under the impression that he can fail to turn in half his work, but do well on the other half and end up with an A, I don’t think your conversations have much substance.

You seem to be a lot of blahblahblah but not a lot of action. Go over his tests and quizzes with him. Go over what assignments need to be done and sit him down and watch him do them. He seems to need some concrete guidance.

As far as activities go, did you ask him why he dislikes everything he has tried? A lot of kids don’t like new things at first solely bc they aren’t good at them. Dig in and figure him out, don’t let him pass on things he’d enjoy because it’s hard at first.

He thinks he can skip SOME things and ace others and get an A. And if it’s a B it’s still good enough! That’s what he thinks.

He doesn’t dislike everything he tried. He just doesn’t want to improve. He is fine continuing, just… not overly intensely. Which is fine by me, I guess, but when it’s also school it’s too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP seems pretty laid back to me. DS isn’t motivated, oh well…DS doesn’t have any awards, oh well… DS doesn’t have many interests, oh well…

Do you speak to your child about your concerns? What does he care about? Motivating kids to do their best starts at an early age. Maybe you need to spend some time together to get an idea of what is important to him. I was not a tiger mom, but I did insist my sons put some effort into their school work.

Well I can’t really say “I am worried that you are never one of the best at anything you do”.

I do talk to him about how he doesn’t seem to care about producing good work, and how he needs to practice more if he wants to be better at something.
He is fairly reserved and it’s hard to know what he thinks.

Way to make it clear your love is conditional. No wonder he’s reserved.

Ugh it’s not about love. I don’t tell him I love him less for those poor grades.
I just wanted to know if he even cared; no, if he even realized!!! That he was underachieving!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds fine. Take up a hobby so you can flex your DC tiger parenting instincts on houseplants or something. Give the kid a break. Parents like this are why this is such a tough area to live in.

She’s literally the opposite of a tiger parent. For all the bragging about how she’s so smart, she seems out to lunch and disengaged on the parenting front. A smart mom should be able to look at her middle schooler’s tests and HW and advise him on how he can improve, OP can’t figure this out.

He doesn’t care to improve. He seems to be ok with how things are. I used to make him do this or that, and still do sometimes, but he still finds ways to eff it up tbh.

Or as suggested on this thread, he doesn't have the executive function skills to do better so is pretending it's a lack of motivation so he isn't embarrassed.

This…and instead of trying to find solutions to help him, OP’s looking for permission to wash her hands of him by declaring him “average” and thus beyond help.

Oh please. We are working on it constantly. He is just very resistant. That’s why I am tempted to wash my hands off him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In life I've found the average people tend to be more successful as they have to work harder for things.

Well not his case, unfortunately. Maybe he actually realized for the first time he has to work for things… maybe he’ll come around. But not yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someday your kid may grow up and become a juror at a politically charged trial.

Those dudes are set for life.

OP, there are many paths to success. He might marry the ugly daughter of a rich man, who is forever grateful to him and gives him a job for life. He might win Powerball. He might have a child who becomes a child star.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

DP. Honestly, OP, you sound insufferable and mean. Maybe you have the kid you have because the universe is trying to teach you something.

Well, outwardly I am nice to everyone, never mean, more on the soft spoken side. What I think about people doesn’t really matter since I don’t let on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds very sweet, OP, and he will come into his own and shine.

If his GPA is low, and he's "shy" and not focused, have you thought that he may have inattentive ADHD? My son has that (along with other issues) and ADHD meds were a lifesaver in middle and high school while he caught up. Graduated high school with a 4.67 GPA. Now he's in college and doesn't use his meds except for exam days.

Just making a suggestion.

Thank you! It has occurred to me, but it’s more like he either doesn’t want to work harder or maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize that the quality of work he produces is not up to par. Like, he will say - oh I missed assignment X and got an F, but I’ll ace assignment Y and make up the grade. Then, he gets a C on assignment Y and is flabbergasted.

PP you replied to. A little research on the nature of inattentive ADHD would not come amiss. Your son needs a lot of explicit explanations, training and hand-holding. His reactions are textbook inattentive ADHD. The "Oh, I'm so surprised it turned out this way despite my parent and everyone else warning me it would turn out this way" is very frequent in those profiles. The issue is that they are missing key steps in the process. They know what they want, but they can't get there by themselves, because executive function (task initiation, task completion, working memory, time management, organization) are missing. It comes across as laziness or lack of motivation, but it's actually a divergence in the way their brains produce and transmit the neurotransmitters necessary for planning and action, particularly that of non-preferred tasks. Conversely, someone with ADHD might hyperfocus on a preferred task (video games, or reading, or whatever). Hence why their entourage might tend to blame and misunderstand rather then correctly identify and address the underlying issue.

An evaluation might be in order. Generally ADHD kiddos benefit not only from meds, but also from executive function coaching, either informally from parents, from a resource teacher or counselor at school with the services and accommodations of a 504 plan, or from an executive function coach you hire.

Agree with this 100%. DP.

Ditto. FWIW, my son in MS was a solid B student who seemed lazy and apathetic about school. It all went to hell in 9th grade and we finally got him evaluated. Diagnosed with ADHD (same as DH, we really should have seen it sooner). Meds and executive function coaching helped a lot. By junior year he was a straight-A student taking several AP classes. Now a solid A college student majoring in applied math and working this summer at a great internship. He's still pretty laid back overall, quiet, not competitive, doesn't win awards but is a good friend, a good employee (he's also a TA during the school year), happy and doing well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

This is really unkind, OP. Maybe the child had undiagnosed learning disabilities and now they're being addressed. Or maybe the child will stay in lower level courses - he should still be celebrated for getting a 4.0. I'm not even going to touch your comment about the parents.

Of course he should be celebrated!!! Where did I say he shouldn’t? Good for him, he worked hard!

What I am saying is that my kid is smarter yet he is effing left in the dust!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Someday your kid may grow up and become a juror at a politically charged trial.

Those dudes are set for life.

OP, there are many paths to success. He might marry the ugly daughter of a rich man, who is forever grateful to him and gives him a job for life. He might win Powerball. He might have a child who becomes a child star.

You know I actually don’t care for him becoming a star or anything.
Just… hopefully he gets his shite together and like, takes advantage of the opportunities? Ugh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

This is really unkind, OP. Maybe the child had undiagnosed learning disabilities and now they're being addressed. Or maybe the child will stay in lower level courses - he should still be celebrated for getting a 4.0. I'm not even going to touch your comment about the parents.

Of course he should be celebrated!!! Where did I say he shouldn’t? Good for him, he worked hard!

What I am saying is that my kid is smarter yet he is effing left in the dust!

NP. Well, apparently he’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds very sweet, OP, and he will come into his own and shine.

If his GPA is low, and he's "shy" and not focused, have you thought that he may have inattentive ADHD? My son has that (along with other issues) and ADHD meds were a lifesaver in middle and high school while he caught up. Graduated high school with a 4.67 GPA. Now he's in college and doesn't use his meds except for exam days.

Just making a suggestion.

Thank you! It has occurred to me, but it’s more like he either doesn’t want to work harder or maybe he genuinely doesn’t realize that the quality of work he produces is not up to par. Like, he will say - oh I missed assignment X and got an F, but I’ll ace assignment Y and make up the grade. Then, he gets a C on assignment Y and is flabbergasted.

PP you replied to. A little research on the nature of inattentive ADHD would not come amiss. Your son needs a lot of explicit explanations, training and hand-holding. His reactions are textbook inattentive ADHD. The "Oh, I'm so surprised it turned out this way despite my parent and everyone else warning me it would turn out this way" is very frequent in those profiles. The issue is that they are missing key steps in the process. They know what they want, but they can't get there by themselves, because executive function (task initiation, task completion, working memory, time management, organization) are missing. It comes across as laziness or lack of motivation, but it's actually a divergence in the way their brains produce and transmit the neurotransmitters necessary for planning and action, particularly that of non-preferred tasks. Conversely, someone with ADHD might hyperfocus on a preferred task (video games, or reading, or whatever). Hence why their entourage might tend to blame and misunderstand rather then correctly identify and address the underlying issue.

An evaluation might be in order. Generally ADHD kiddos benefit not only from meds, but also from executive function coaching, either informally from parents, from a resource teacher or counselor at school with the services and accommodations of a 504 plan, or from an executive function coach you hire.

Agree with this 100%. DP.

Ditto. FWIW, my son in MS was a solid B student who seemed lazy and apathetic about school. It all went to hell in 9th grade and we finally got him evaluated. Diagnosed with ADHD (same as DH, we really should have seen it sooner). Meds and executive function coaching helped a lot. By junior year he was a straight-A student taking several AP classes. Now a solid A college student majoring in applied math and working this summer at a great internship. He's still pretty laid back overall, quiet, not competitive, doesn't win awards but is a good friend, a good employee (he's also a TA during the school year), happy and doing well.

Thank you for telling your son’s story! He seems like a very fine young man.
I think I need to get mine evaluated. I was thinking about it earlier, I even emailed a teacher who expressed concerns about his work ethic, but the school said they won’t evaluate because he isn’t failing.
I guess I need to go through the medical route.
I just… I was really hoping he would just mature. But I guess I owe it to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

This is really unkind, OP. Maybe the child had undiagnosed learning disabilities and now they're being addressed. Or maybe the child will stay in lower level courses - he should still be celebrated for getting a 4.0. I'm not even going to touch your comment about the parents.

Of course he should be celebrated!!! Where did I say he shouldn’t? Good for him, he worked hard!

What I am saying is that my kid is smarter yet he is effing left in the dust!

NP. Well, apparently he’s not.

Yeah maybe not. It doesn’t matter really. What matters are the facts - he isn’t getting awards.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know I know I should be grateful he is healthy and reasonably good looking , and he actually reads for pleasure, and tries to eat healthy. However, this is about all of his accomplishments.

He is just so perfectly average, at least for our area, that it hurts. I was a good student, top of the class, elementary through college. I didn’t live in such a competitive area with great talent but still. I don’t earn a ton of money, nor do I have a high powered job, but I am quite often the smartest in the room, I know what I want and I usually achieve whatever I put my mind to. He, however, is always somewhere in the middle of the pack.

He is bright but I think he lacks focus and motivation. He also isn’t super likeable or charming, more on the shy side (also not like me).

I will never ever show my disappointment to him but I just feel very sad sometimes. They had an award ceremony at school today and a kid whom I knew as very average had a 4.0 GPA, while my kid has a 2.9. He also didn’t get a single award in any subject or area. It’s middle school but still.

That is all. I don’t think there’s anything to do about it but I wanted to get it off my chest.

How did you know this?

That kid was in remedial English until this year, lower level math, etc.
I also know him and his parents a little and they are not very, shall I say, intellectual? I mean they aren’t stupid or anything, it’s just that I think they are not thinkers, you know?

DP. Honestly, OP, you sound insufferable and mean. Maybe you have the kid you have because the universe is trying to teach you something.

Well, outwardly I am nice to everyone, never mean, more on the soft spoken side. What I think about people doesn’t really matter since I don’t let on.

But you clearly have those mean, judgmental thoughts and you posted them here. You think just because you don't say it out loud IRL that it somehow absolves you. People like you don't hide it nearly as much as they think they do. Like I said, insufferable.