Desperately need DH to step up and it isn’t happening

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to an attorney, but it seems to me that you need to get a new set point on income so that you aren't stuck with everything AND paying your DH. Sounds to me like he wants you to divorce him so he can have an out AND get you to pay for him.

Once you have an equal income situation, then divorce him.

THIS. If you are still making more than him, don't. Cut your PT hours or speak to your boss about pausing it for a few months.

You need to divorce him and you shouldn't be getting a new fancy job if you want to divorce him. He clearly is not stepping up for your family, but he will probably ask for CS and alimony. So talk to a lawyer.

I don't want to armchair diagnose but he sounds depressed to me. Years ago before I had kids or a family I literally couldn't function. My room in my apartment I shared with others was a total mess, could barely get out of bed, I knew I needed to get my act together, but I couldn't. Saw therapists, etc, but what got me to change? I moved to a new country. Not saying you should do that, but a huge change and upheaval in my life sort of shook me out of my depression episode. Not saying this is what everyone should do, but is your husband seeing any doctors? I would have divorced me if I acted the way I did and there were kids involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Should have quit DH , not the job. A judge would make him get a full time job.

Op here. He makes okayish money working part time and on paper it is technically a full time job. But in practice he only actually works about 10-20 hours per week, max. He’s in a super specialized tech job and speaks a couple foreign languages and could easily make much more but refuses to.

so he WFH who doesn't actually work his full hours. People like that annoy the --- outta me.

[Anonymous]

The DH could be a dud or the OP can be a controlling shrew. I am guess it’s a little bit of both.

Maybe the real fear is if they divorce he won’t be a total disaster on his own

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce, hire help and get your old job back

This! Exactly this! Don’t roll in the gutter with the loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Should have quit DH , not the job. A judge would make him get a full time job.

Op here. He makes okayish money working part time and on paper it is technically a full time job. But in practice he only actually works about 10-20 hours per week, max. He’s in a super specialized tech job and speaks a couple foreign languages and could easily make much more but refuses to.

I was team OP until this. Just because he's not hunched over his computer typing furiously for 40 hours doesn't mean he's not working.

As a coder, much of my time is not typing, but rather staring off in space trying to solve a logic problem or bug. Sometimes I need to distract myself from this problem with videos games or a movie, but the problem is always there and I'm subconsciously working on it all the time.

OP's DH may have a similar job, and he may not be the parent that OP pines for, but he doesn't sound like a deadbeat.

I know plenty of techies who brag about only working 10-20 hours a week making 6-7 figures.

I wish I could distract myself with a movie while I work and get paid for it. Can you imagine if a surgeon did that? Or a lawyer during a trail? Remember that judge who was on her cell during a trail recently. "I am subconsciously working on your heart transplant as I play Fortnite in the operating room."

Her husband needs to step up and if that means get a new job or get another tech job so he is working 20-40 hours instead of 10-20 then so be it.

OP sounds like your husband adds nothing to your life. Divorce him. I know it will be hard, but if you stay in the marriage he is another child basically that you have to support on all levels.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids other than the SEN one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce, hire help and get your old job back

OP had the option to hire help. OP chose part time work anc to be more involved. Divorce will only dilute her finances.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m so sorry for your situation. You’re doing a good job. You’ve done so much already for your family and held things together under extremely distressing circumstances and that’s admirable.

It sounds like cutting back to part time has given you the balance you seek and has made things more manageable. That’s valuable and I’d really hesitate to change that.

I’d continue to focus on renting out the house instead of looking for FT work which sounds unmanageable. If you have to close the office door during a showing so be it.

I think the only thing that’d put a kink in the plan is if he squatted when you moved out. Is that possible?

[Anonymous]

Divorce, and do not get a new job until CS is organized (as in; you’re receiving it). Talk to a lawyer about maximizing the outcomes here.

[Anonymous]

Why did you ever have sex with this man?