Desperately need DH to step up and it isn’t happening

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Wait what? Two additional adults and you work part time and you're still overwhelmed? I don't get it. I think you need to get your meds evaluated.

Op here. I’ve only been working part time for the last 2 months. I was working full time up until January of this year and my job was extremely demanding physically and mentally.

Ok... But you're not even working 20 hours a week. So two months of that should have given you 20-25 hours a week of non-work, time to recuperate and put things in order. Yet you're still miserable? I think it's time you saw a psychiatrist.

Op here. You’re misunderstanding. I like my new job arrangement but it’s not financially sustainable. We are taking on debt every month. I had hoped DH would get a full time job to help make up some of the shortfall but he won’t. I am trying to rent our house out to help make up the shortfall but DH also will not cooperate with that. Professionally my current job is ideal and also very hard to find so I don’t want to give it up. But we have to make massive changes for this to be possible and those changes would require DH to help.

And yeah, I’m working with a psychiatrist already.

Anyway, I am seeing from these replies that my expectation for DH to be a functioning adult is the problem. I need to stop expecting anything at all of him, no matter how minimal.

Ok... But I'm still not grasping why, since you have your mom and a nanny, you can only work 15 hrs a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

This sounds like a mental health problem and not just a lazy guy. What have counselors told you about how to proceed? Any ideas on what exactly is wrong with him? Also, if you are worried about divorce and him having unsupervised time with the kids - do you know if he would even care? It sounds like he doesn't do anything for the family and is not invested in being a parent. Maybe he would check out completely if you were divorced?

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to an attorney, but it seems to me that you need to get a new set point on income so that you aren't stuck with everything AND paying your DH. Sounds to me like he wants you to divorce him so he can have an out AND get you to pay for him.

Once you have an equal income situation, then divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Wait what? Two additional adults and you work part time and you're still overwhelmed? I don't get it. I think you need to get your meds evaluated.

Op here. I’ve only been working part time for the last 2 months. I was working full time up until January of this year and my job was extremely demanding physically and mentally.

Ok... But you're not even working 20 hours a week. So two months of that should have given you 20-25 hours a week of non-work, time to recuperate and put things in order. Yet you're still miserable? I think it's time you saw a psychiatrist.

Op here. You’re misunderstanding. I like my new job arrangement but it’s not financially sustainable. We are taking on debt every month. I had hoped DH would get a full time job to help make up some of the shortfall but he won’t. I am trying to rent our house out to help make up the shortfall but DH also will not cooperate with that. Professionally my current job is ideal and also very hard to find so I don’t want to give it up. But we have to make massive changes for this to be possible and those changes would require DH to help.

And yeah, I’m working with a psychiatrist already.

Anyway, I am seeing from these replies that my expectation for DH to be a functioning adult is the problem. I need to stop expecting anything at all of him, no matter how minimal.

Ok... But I'm still not grasping why, since you have your mom and a nanny, you can only work 15 hrs a week.

Op here. Well, my kid has been in the hospital. I listed our house for rent which was a pretty Herculean task (cleaning, declutterring, professional pics, etc., and I did it all myself except for the pics). I’m also interviewing for new jobs. It hasn’t even been two months yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

One way to sidestep that and enhance resources is to move near family. Is that a possibility? He may come after you for alimony and child support, would not discount that.

He is mentally ill. Has he ever had any sort of treatment? Diagnoses in his family of origen?

[Anonymous]

^origin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth was he not doing the medical appts if he only works PT? And you quit your job while he only had a PT job?

All of this is such a mess.

I probably wouldn't stay married to someone like this, but I know it's more difficult with Sn kids in the mix.

op here. We tried having him handle the appointments. It was a disaster. Even with multiple reminders (verbally, text, and email from me and doc office), he would still be super late or not show up at all (or go to the wrong place). Then he’d go into the appointment and provide conflicting information and narratives that were inaccurate and inconsistent with each other. He’d forget or just somehow not convey the information that needed to be conveyed and then the whole appointment would be wasted. When I’d ask him afterwards what happened I couldn’t get the information I needed and DH would again say contradictory things that were inconsistent with each other. I tried doing things like FaceTiming into the appointments but that didn’t work well either.

Regardless, even if DH was more capable, there’s no scenario where I’m not going to be there for things like hospitalizations, treatments, surgery, etc. and there have been multiple things like that.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with that and you're child is dealing with that. I totally understand this isn't all stuff you can outsource to a nanny.

What would you do if DH died? How would you fill the gap?

What gap? She would have one less dependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Wait what? Two additional adults and you work part time and you're still overwhelmed? I don't get it. I think you need to get your meds evaluated.

Op here. I’ve only been working part time for the last 2 months. I was working full time up until January of this year and my job was extremely demanding physically and mentally.

Ok... But you're not even working 20 hours a week. So two months of that should have given you 20-25 hours a week of non-work, time to recuperate and put things in order. Yet you're still miserable? I think it's time you saw a psychiatrist.

Op here. You’re misunderstanding. I like my new job arrangement but it’s not financially sustainable. We are taking on debt every month. I had hoped DH would get a full time job to help make up some of the shortfall but he won’t. I am trying to rent our house out to help make up the shortfall but DH also will not cooperate with that. Professionally my current job is ideal and also very hard to find so I don’t want to give it up. But we have to make massive changes for this to be possible and those changes would require DH to help.

And yeah, I’m working with a psychiatrist already.

Anyway, I am seeing from these replies that my expectation for DH to be a functioning adult is the problem. I need to stop expecting anything at all of him, no matter how minimal.

Ok... But I'm still not grasping why, since you have your mom and a nanny, you can only work 15 hrs a week.

Op here. Well, my kid has been in the hospital. I listed our house for rent which was a pretty Herculean task (cleaning, declutterring, professional pics, etc., and I did it all myself except for the pics). I’m also interviewing for new jobs. It hasn’t even been two months yet?

Why not increase your hours at your current job, though, since you like it well enough? $150/hour is pretty good IMO.

It seems like you are investing a lot of time in things your husband will never agree to, such as renting out your house. It's not gonna happen without his cooperation-- what are you gonna do, evict him? You need to stop thinking he will change or improve or come around in any way whatsoever. Stop spending time on any sort of "solution" that requires his cooperation. The time and money you put into prepping the house to rent was not well-spent. You're beating your head on a brick wall and that's why you're feeling so exhausted and frustrated. Stop with that and focus on earning more money and cutting other expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

This sounds like a mental health problem and not just a lazy guy. What have counselors told you about how to proceed? Any ideas on what exactly is wrong with him? Also, if you are worried about divorce and him having unsupervised time with the kids - do you know if he would even care? It sounds like he doesn't do anything for the family and is not invested in being a parent. Maybe he would check out completely if you were divorced?

IME people like him often use the kids to generate income from ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth was he not doing the medical appts if he only works PT? And you quit your job while he only had a PT job?

All of this is such a mess.

I probably wouldn't stay married to someone like this, but I know it's more difficult with Sn kids in the mix.

op here. We tried having him handle the appointments. It was a disaster. Even with multiple reminders (verbally, text, and email from me and doc office), he would still be super late or not show up at all (or go to the wrong place). Then he’d go into the appointment and provide conflicting information and narratives that were inaccurate and inconsistent with each other. He’d forget or just somehow not convey the information that needed to be conveyed and then the whole appointment would be wasted. When I’d ask him afterwards what happened I couldn’t get the information I needed and DH would again say contradictory things that were inconsistent with each other. I tried doing things like FaceTiming into the appointments but that didn’t work well either.

Regardless, even if DH was more capable, there’s no scenario where I’m not going to be there for things like hospitalizations, treatments, surgery, etc. and there have been multiple things like that.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with that and you're child is dealing with that. I totally understand this isn't all stuff you can outsource to a nanny.

What would you do if DH died? How would you fill the gap?

What gap? She would have one less dependent.

Probably with life insurance, and all the expenses related to him would be eliminated, and then she could move to a smaller place very quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

WTF is his actual problem?

Undiagnosed mental disorders? Does it run in his family?

Learning disorders?

Just total lazy idiot? Overwhelmed by adult life so quit?

Toy

[Anonymous]

Op here. He doesn’t have any diagnosis and none that I know of in his family.

If I had to guess I think he’s got ADHD and maybe autism. And probably depression. And he’s extremely avoidant to the point of actual disassociation. But none of it really matters since I can’t do anything about any of these things. Only DH can decide he wants to work on himself and he won’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

If he's that bad, maybe he wouldn't get 50/50.

Op here. My divorce attorney said that barring a documented history of violence or substance abuse, DH will unquestionably be entitled to 50/50 and I should plan accordingly. DH doesn’t use drugs and isn’t violent.

Does he actually WANT 50/50? You filed before- what was his reaction?

Op here. No reaction other than shrugging his shoulders like, well, if that’s what you want. He did say he wanted 50/50.

In practice I doubt he’d actually keep the kids 50/50 but he’d be entitled to it.

He likely wants the $ that would come with 50/50. Strategize timing of filing, jobs, etc. to try to avoid that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

If he's that bad, maybe he wouldn't get 50/50.

Op here. My divorce attorney said that barring a documented history of violence or substance abuse, DH will unquestionably be entitled to 50/50 and I should plan accordingly. DH doesn’t use drugs and isn’t violent.

Does he actually WANT 50/50? You filed before- what was his reaction?

Op here. No reaction other than shrugging his shoulders like, well, if that’s what you want. He did say he wanted 50/50.

In practice I doubt he’d actually keep the kids 50/50 but he’d be entitled to it.

He likely wants the $ that would come with 50/50. Strategize timing of filing, jobs, etc. to try to avoid that.

But why did you not follow through with divorcing him?

In a situation like this, you plan to keep the kids 100%. When it's his turn to see them, you say "come on over and pick them up". And he won't.

[Anonymous]

How is it going to work if you sell or rent your house and your mom lives on the property in an ADU?