Desperately need DH to step up and it isn’t happening

[Anonymous]

Should have quit DH , not the job. A judge would make him get a full time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth was he not doing the medical appts if he only works PT? And you quit your job while he only had a PT job?

All of this is such a mess.

I probably wouldn't stay married to someone like this, but I know it's more difficult with Sn kids in the mix.

op here. We tried having him handle the appointments. It was a disaster. Even with multiple reminders (verbally, text, and email from me and doc office), he would still be super late or not show up at all (or go to the wrong place). Then he’d go into the appointment and provide conflicting information and narratives that were inaccurate and inconsistent with each other. He’d forget or just somehow not convey the information that needed to be conveyed and then the whole appointment would be wasted. When I’d ask him afterwards what happened I couldn’t get the information I needed and DH would again say contradictory things that were inconsistent with each other. I tried doing things like FaceTiming into the appointments but that didn’t work well either.

Regardless, even if DH was more capable, there’s no scenario where I’m not going to be there for things like hospitalizations, treatments, surgery, etc. and there have been multiple things like that.

Same thing here. Can’t trust or rely on my ASD “brilliant” spouse for anything basic even.

We live together by parallel lives. He only focuses on his work and movies. Says Hi to the kids when convenient but usually ignores us all or ramps up his conference travel then complains how he’s always tired and needs a nap. Yet he was always tired or napping before as well.

Just get the kids older and more independent for as long as possible.

Theses types are total loose cannons.
May decide to divorce you since “he’s not happy or getting attention”. So be ready for anything.

Trapped and terrible way to live. Terrible for the kids too. One of mine has HFa ASD too so me and Nt kid get sandwiched in the twilight zone every so often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

You need to talk to a lawyer about whether it's possible to get full custody and what you can do to put yourself in a stronger position legally. It sounds like he is incapable of handling your son's medical issues, which maybe would serve as a path. It's possible that he doesn't even want to take on that responsibility and might agree to just visitation.

Best you can do is 50/50 on paper and hope he increasingly bows out of his custody time.

Spending years and $100ks documenting and fighting his parenting and adulting abilities, and lack thereof, only gets lawyers, court systems, court doctors rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Should have quit DH , not the job. A judge would make him get a full time job.

Op here. He makes okayish money working part time and on paper it is technically a full time job. But in practice he only actually works about 10-20 hours per week, max. He’s in a super specialized tech job and speaks a couple foreign languages and could easily make much more but refuses to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Trollin and bowlin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Should have quit DH , not the job. A judge would make him get a full time job.

No they wouldn't. At most the judge would limit support because spouse has the ability to work FT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you subsidizing your mom in a way your DH dislikes and this is his way of pushing back?

Tell your DH bankruptcy is in his future. Start selling stuff from inside your house to make money.

He needs to get the best paying fulltime job he can get, now.

Tell him that is his only responsibility to you and the household and children. You will take everything else off his plate (as you already have and must- he’s a delinquent.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Should have quit DH , not the job. A judge would make him get a full time job.

Op here. He makes okayish money working part time and on paper it is technically a full time job. But in practice he only actually works about 10-20 hours per week, max. He’s in a super specialized tech job and speaks a couple foreign languages and could easily make much more but refuses to.

Anyway. If you were a single mom whether by death or divorce, what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

If he's that bad, maybe he wouldn't get 50/50.

Op here. My divorce attorney said that barring a documented history of violence or substance abuse, DH will unquestionably be entitled to 50/50 and I should plan accordingly. DH doesn’t use drugs and isn’t violent.

Does he actually WANT 50/50? You filed before- what was his reaction?

Op here. No reaction other than shrugging his shoulders like, well, if that’s what you want. He did say he wanted 50/50.

In practice I doubt he’d actually keep the kids 50/50 but he’d be entitled to it.

He likely wants the $ that would come with 50/50. Strategize timing of filing, jobs, etc. to try to avoid that.

Why?

he can just take her to court everytime she changes jobs to get a different alimony or child support monthly figure.

I mean, maybe he’s too stupid and last and uninformed to do that. But he can take her to family court every two months until the youngest child is 18 yo, if he’s financially or emotionally abusive.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t a guy who is going to take his custody time. Figure out your finances and get him out of the house and divorce. Can your mom move into your house and you rent the ADU? That seems like it could be a quick way to get money. It was insanely unrealistic for you to think your husband would step up and make more.

I’m a person with one kid with a rare genetic disorder that causes profound ID and the other kid had cancer. It was insane, but I chose to outearn the problem. Figure out which appointments the nanny can take — which I realize may not be possible, but I would try. As an example, my kid did 16 months of chemo. She went every week for blood work. We knew her bloodwork would be fine Week 1 and Week 3 so the nanny did those. We did chemo days and week 2 when she might need platelets, etc. My nanny also did a ton of the PT, OT, DT, ST appointments. We didn’t need to be at all of them.

I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Should have quit DH , not the job. A judge would make him get a full time job.

Op here. He makes okayish money working part time and on paper it is technically a full time job. But in practice he only actually works about 10-20 hours per week, max. He’s in a super specialized tech job and speaks a couple foreign languages and could easily make much more but refuses to.

Tell him now his only focus should be on quadrupling his income. He needs orders and directions, give them too him short and sweet. Thank him profusely.

Tech work at home bros should be working three full time jobs if they’re only actually doing 15 hours of work

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your situation.
Since you are such a high earner breadwinner (me too), the best option is for you to go back to full-time and hire an awesome full-time Special Needs nanny/house manager.

If you make $300k+/year, and you pay nanny $70k/year, you are still coming out ahead and making your life much easier.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. A divorce will not help your situation at all, only make it harder. You simply need more adults to handle all the kid needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Should have quit DH , not the job. A judge would make him get a full time job.

Op here. He makes okayish money working part time and on paper it is technically a full time job. But in practice he only actually works about 10-20 hours per week, max. He’s in a super specialized tech job and speaks a couple foreign languages and could easily make much more but refuses to.

Anyway. If you were a single mom whether by death or divorce, what would you do?

Not live with a 200 pound lazy deadweight

[Anonymous]

Wait, if you have a full-time nanny already, it shouldn't be as stressful. I think you need to upgrade your nanny to someone who can manage the process as well.

OP- if you let go some, others will step up- maybe not to your liking, but enough.
(I feel for you, I struggle with this as well)

[Anonymous]

So your DH actually does have a FT job and makes decent money. I guess he isn’t the total fail you portrayed him as.

You can’t just stop working and then reduce expenses, you have to reduce expenses first. And since you made so much money, why don’t you have a nest egg/emergency fund? You should not be racking up debt. You sound like you just decided to stop adulting too. WTF is wrong with both of you?!