Desperately need DH to step up and it isn’t happening

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

If he's that bad, maybe he wouldn't get 50/50.

Op here. My divorce attorney said that barring a documented history of violence or substance abuse, DH will unquestionably be entitled to 50/50 and I should plan accordingly. DH doesn’t use drugs and isn’t violent.

Does he actually WANT 50/50? You filed before- what was his reaction?

[Anonymous]

Schedule a consult with a bankruptcy lawyer and maybe that will get his attention.

Stop doing anything at all for his benefit. No cooking no laundry no nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

If he's that bad, maybe he wouldn't get 50/50.

Op here. My divorce attorney said that barring a documented history of violence or substance abuse, DH will unquestionably be entitled to 50/50 and I should plan accordingly. DH doesn’t use drugs and isn’t violent.

Does he actually WANT 50/50? You filed before- what was his reaction?

Op here. No reaction other than shrugging his shoulders like, well, if that’s what you want. He did say he wanted 50/50.

In practice I doubt he’d actually keep the kids 50/50 but he’d be entitled to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Wait what? Two additional adults and you work part time and you're still overwhelmed? I don't get it. I think you need to get your meds evaluated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Wait what? Two additional adults and you work part time and you're still overwhelmed? I don't get it. I think you need to get your meds evaluated.

Op here. I’ve only been working part time for the last 2 months. I was working full time up until January of this year and my job was extremely demanding physically and mentally.

[Anonymous]

When people act irrationally or in a disordered way, you need to stop trying to reason with them. Given the givens, the best plan seems to be for you to go back to work and hire a nanny who you have a lot of trust in to handle as much of the non-emergency care as possible. If there’s anywhere you could move to get more family support, consider that too. Stop expecting him to step up because he will not. Also go visit a lawyer to get an idea of what sort of custody you could expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Wait what? Two additional adults and you work part time and you're still overwhelmed? I don't get it. I think you need to get your meds evaluated.

I think she's saying she would be overwhelmed working the big job again but the family finances are not in good shape with her part time work.

Her child has severe medical needs. You can't send a kid in for surgery and related appointments with a nanny even grandma. And the other parent is no help. No wonder OP is a wreck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Wait what? Two additional adults and you work part time and you're still overwhelmed? I don't get it. I think you need to get your meds evaluated.

Op here. I’ve only been working part time for the last 2 months. I was working full time up until January of this year and my job was extremely demanding physically and mentally.

Ok... But you're not even working 20 hours a week. So two months of that should have given you 20-25 hours a week of non-work, time to recuperate and put things in order. Yet you're still miserable? I think it's time you saw a psychiatrist.

[Anonymous]

they will be fine there one night a week which is all he’ll care about for appearances. You can pack them some extra food but he will take them to fast food anyway. I wouldn’t keep subsidizing him or model that for your daughter. The key thing is to file while you are part time so he doesn’t get extra support $$. You will probably have to pay him a lump sum to get him out of the house unless you just sell it. Use that leverage to get out of giving up some of your retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Wait what? Two additional adults and you work part time and you're still overwhelmed? I don't get it. I think you need to get your meds evaluated.

Op here. I’ve only been working part time for the last 2 months. I was working full time up until January of this year and my job was extremely demanding physically and mentally.

What is your field? Maybe you can post in the career forum for ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Wait what? Two additional adults and you work part time and you're still overwhelmed? I don't get it. I think you need to get your meds evaluated.

Op here. I’ve only been working part time for the last 2 months. I was working full time up until January of this year and my job was extremely demanding physically and mentally.

Ok... But you're not even working 20 hours a week. So two months of that should have given you 20-25 hours a week of non-work, time to recuperate and put things in order. Yet you're still miserable? I think it's time you saw a psychiatrist.

So weird that a person with a sick child and POS husband would be miserable! A real mystery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

Op here. We have a full time nanny and my mother lives in an ADU on our property. The new jobs are not flexible. My old job is not flexible.

I know the obvious solution is for me to make a boat load of money and outsource our life. But overseeing and coordinating all the outsourcing is also a huge task. I just simply can’t do it anymore. I tried. I have been drugging myself up every morning on adderall, Prozac, and Wellbutrin to drag myself through my day for years now. It got too hard and complex for me too.

Wait what? Two additional adults and you work part time and you're still overwhelmed? I don't get it. I think you need to get your meds evaluated.

Op here. I’ve only been working part time for the last 2 months. I was working full time up until January of this year and my job was extremely demanding physically and mentally.

Ok... But you're not even working 20 hours a week. So two months of that should have given you 20-25 hours a week of non-work, time to recuperate and put things in order. Yet you're still miserable? I think it's time you saw a psychiatrist.

Op here. You’re misunderstanding. I like my new job arrangement but it’s not financially sustainable. We are taking on debt every month. I had hoped DH would get a full time job to help make up some of the shortfall but he won’t. I am trying to rent our house out to help make up the shortfall but DH also will not cooperate with that. Professionally my current job is ideal and also very hard to find so I don’t want to give it up. But we have to make massive changes for this to be possible and those changes would require DH to help.

And yeah, I’m working with a psychiatrist already.

Anyway, I am seeing from these replies that my expectation for DH to be a functioning adult is the problem. I need to stop expecting anything at all of him, no matter how minimal.

[Anonymous]

Are you subsidizing your mom in a way your DH dislikes and this is his way of pushing back?

Tell your DH bankruptcy is in his future. Start selling stuff from inside your house to make money.

[Anonymous]

He needs to move to the ADU and your mom can move into the house. You need to choose a new career path that is compatible with your child’s illness. If your husband has any assets you can sell to pay for care, do that without asking.