Desperately need DH to step up and it isn’t happening

[Anonymous]

We have a son with severe medical problems.

I’ve always been the higher earner. Over the last few years, I was trying to balance hospital stays/treatments/therapies/meds with a stressful full time job that wouldn’t give me any grace, and a DH who just wouldn’t pull his weight no matter what I did (couples counseling, begging him for help, lists/signs/reminders, outsourcing, I even filed for divorce at one point).

It finally broke me and I quit my job a few months ago because it became impossible for me to continue taking care of DS (and our other child) and our home.

Since then I’ve found part time work that pays $150/hour and I’m working 10-15 hours per week, but it’s still MUCH less than before.

DH works part time. I’ve begged him to find another job. I’ve applied for jobs for him. I’m trying to rent out our house and move us to a smaller apartment.

DH just will not step up and he will not collaborate with me. Whenever we talk he either refuses to acknowledge me or just says a bunch of platitudes about how it will all work out.

I know this problem is too complex to get good answers here, but what do I do? My family’s financial situation is growing dire. I have job opportunities that would pay the same as before but I CANNOT go back to what our life was before. I cannot do it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your only option is to downsize your life and live in a lifestyle and manner that works with your current salary plus your husbands salary. Take the financial pressure off by creating a life within the HHI you currently have rather than the HHI you had before. Then you still have the time for the kids. And you will be in a better position if the marriage ends to not have such big expenses to cover on your own.

No matter how much you want to, it doesn't sounds like your DH will change or wants to change.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a total mess or a troll regurgitation of previous posts.z

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your only option is to downsize your life and live in a lifestyle and manner that works with your current salary plus your husbands salary. Take the financial pressure off by creating a life within the HHI you currently have rather than the HHI you had before. Then you still have the time for the kids. And you will be in a better position if the marriage ends to not have such big expenses to cover on your own.

No matter how much you want to, it doesn't sounds like your DH will change or wants to change.

Op here. I think this is the key, but I am having trouble getting DH to even participate with this plan. Over the weekend I had scheduled showings with potential tenants for our house and DH refused to clean his office (which looks like a hoarder space-full of trash and papers and you can’t even see the floor). He ended up locking it during the showings and the tenants couldn’t see that entire part of the house.

[Anonymous]

Part time work that pays $150/hour? Are you a doctor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your only option is to downsize your life and live in a lifestyle and manner that works with your current salary plus your husbands salary. Take the financial pressure off by creating a life within the HHI you currently have rather than the HHI you had before. Then you still have the time for the kids. And you will be in a better position if the marriage ends to not have such big expenses to cover on your own.

No matter how much you want to, it doesn't sounds like your DH will change or wants to change.

Op here. I think this is the key, but I am having trouble getting DH to even participate with this plan. Over the weekend I had scheduled showings with potential tenants for our house and DH refused to clean his office (which looks like a hoarder space-full of trash and papers and you can’t even see the floor). He ended up locking it during the showings and the tenants couldn’t see that entire part of the house.

I’m so sorry. I agree downsizing a lot is the answer.

I have at times felt really desperate for a partner when dealing with hard things with our kids. My husband earns a good salary so I guess I am grateful for that but when people just sort of say well I am only doing this and you need to deal with whatever else happens it’s very difficult. I let myself wallow for a bit and then I just deal. Your kid is your priority. Do whatever you need to do to take care of your kid and yourself.

[Anonymous]

Are there family members or friends who can help you with the kids? Try and build a support network. Then I would divorce. You can earn and outsource, plus drop the stress of DH.

[Anonymous]

You married a dud and now you’re stuck. Unfortunately women who are the primary breadwinners are taking a huge risk by starting a family; many men simply won’t step up and help in these situations.

At this point there is no reason to maintain the marriage. Not only is DH refusing to help; he’s impairing your efforts to improve the situation by renting your home. If you divorce you will have one fewer dependent to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Divorce, hire help and get your old job back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a son with severe medical problems.

I’ve always been the higher earner. Over the last few years, I was trying to balance hospital stays/treatments/therapies/meds with a stressful full time job that wouldn’t give me any grace, and a DH who just wouldn’t pull his weight no matter what I did (couples counseling, begging him for help, lists/signs/reminders, outsourcing, I even filed for divorce at one point).

It finally broke me and I quit my job a few months ago because it became impossible for me to continue taking care of DS (and our other child) and our home.

Since then I’ve found part time work that pays $150/hour and I’m working 10-15 hours per week, but it’s still MUCH less than before.

DH works part time. I’ve begged him to find another job. I’ve applied for jobs for him. I’m trying to rent out our house and move us to a smaller apartment.

DH just will not step up and he will not collaborate with me. Whenever we talk he either refuses to acknowledge me or just says a bunch of platitudes about how it will all work out.

I know this problem is too complex to get good answers here, but what do I do? My family’s financial situation is growing dire. I have job opportunities that would pay the same as before but I CANNOT go back to what our life was before. I cannot do it.

All things being equal, would it be better to go back to full-time at the higher salary and hire help than continue to take the part-time income and feel stretched?

It wouldn't solve your relationship issues but it might help financially.

[Anonymous]

Why did you not divorce him the first time he filed?

I think you need to continue showing the house, and eventually just move to a place you can afford alone, and divorce him. His behavior is telling you that he's not really your husband anymore and doesn't want to be.

[Anonymous]

So does he have anything to offer at all? Emotional support? Love?

Why does he work part time? Is it because he helps with kids? Is he disabled?

[Anonymous]

"Turn the other cheek."

Stop asking him to do stuff, just completely ignore him. Take care of the kids yourself, organize the finances yourself, downsize is a good idea. Then maybe move into the apartment on your own?

[Anonymous]

File for divorce now, today. Your marriage is already over.

Move into the cheapest place you can find. Kids share a room and you sleep on the couch. Get a cleaning lady and let the other housework go.

[Anonymous]

You married a dud. Maybe he had adhd, anxiety, whatever. Doesn't matter, he won't step up. Once you accept this, things will be much better. Clean his office, get your house rented. Move on with your life. He's just along for the ride.