Desperately need DH to step up and it isn’t happening

[Anonymous]

Why on earth was he not doing the medical appts if he only works PT? And you quit your job while he only had a PT job?

All of this is such a mess.

I probably wouldn't stay married to someone like this, but I know it's more difficult with Sn kids in the mix.

[Anonymous]

I’m really sorry. I have btdt, though not with a child who was that sick, and it really sucks to face the fact that the person who you thought was going to be your partner is not.

I agree that you need to drop everything you’ve doing with your DH - your communication, expectations, job search help. He has shown you who he is and there is nothing you can do to change him and you’ll never be able to understand the reason for his behavior.

I think your options are keep or downsize the house and hire an au pair to support you while you return to a higher paying job. Or sell the house and rent a one bedroom while supporting yourself with a part time job. Obviously you divorce and don’t expect anything from your ex.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

[Anonymous]

Would the pay at these new jobs for you make up the salary for a nanny or live-in help? Or are any of the jobs more flexible (since your last one wasnt) to allow for you to take DC to medical appts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

If he's that bad, maybe he wouldn't get 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce, hire help and get your old job back

This. And, sell the house. Get a small, easy to manage condo or townhouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

I can understand and sympathize with this, but then, you do need to let go of the idea that he will step up. You're basically a single mother and he is an additional SN child. How would you organize your life as such?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth was he not doing the medical appts if he only works PT? And you quit your job while he only had a PT job?

All of this is such a mess.

I probably wouldn't stay married to someone like this, but I know it's more difficult with Sn kids in the mix.

op here. We tried having him handle the appointments. It was a disaster. Even with multiple reminders (verbally, text, and email from me and doc office), he would still be super late or not show up at all (or go to the wrong place). Then he’d go into the appointment and provide conflicting information and narratives that were inaccurate and inconsistent with each other. He’d forget or just somehow not convey the information that needed to be conveyed and then the whole appointment would be wasted. When I’d ask him afterwards what happened I couldn’t get the information I needed and DH would again say contradictory things that were inconsistent with each other. I tried doing things like FaceTiming into the appointments but that didn’t work well either.

Regardless, even if DH was more capable, there’s no scenario where I’m not going to be there for things like hospitalizations, treatments, surgery, etc. and there have been multiple things like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth was he not doing the medical appts if he only works PT? And you quit your job while he only had a PT job?

All of this is such a mess.

I probably wouldn't stay married to someone like this, but I know it's more difficult with Sn kids in the mix.

op here. We tried having him handle the appointments. It was a disaster. Even with multiple reminders (verbally, text, and email from me and doc office), he would still be super late or not show up at all (or go to the wrong place). Then he’d go into the appointment and provide conflicting information and narratives that were inaccurate and inconsistent with each other. He’d forget or just somehow not convey the information that needed to be conveyed and then the whole appointment would be wasted. When I’d ask him afterwards what happened I couldn’t get the information I needed and DH would again say contradictory things that were inconsistent with each other. I tried doing things like FaceTiming into the appointments but that didn’t work well either.

Regardless, even if DH was more capable, there’s no scenario where I’m not going to be there for things like hospitalizations, treatments, surgery, etc. and there have been multiple things like that.

Oh ... I think I remember you posting about this guy before. He sounds like he is fundamentally in denial of your son's illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

If he's that bad, maybe he wouldn't get 50/50.

He likely wouldn’t have his act together enough to get 50/50. Just file now while you are part time so you won’t have to pay him much hopefully. He will likely find a woman with lower standards to help take care of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth was he not doing the medical appts if he only works PT? And you quit your job while he only had a PT job?

All of this is such a mess.

I probably wouldn't stay married to someone like this, but I know it's more difficult with Sn kids in the mix.

op here. We tried having him handle the appointments. It was a disaster. Even with multiple reminders (verbally, text, and email from me and doc office), he would still be super late or not show up at all (or go to the wrong place). Then he’d go into the appointment and provide conflicting information and narratives that were inaccurate and inconsistent with each other. He’d forget or just somehow not convey the information that needed to be conveyed and then the whole appointment would be wasted. When I’d ask him afterwards what happened I couldn’t get the information I needed and DH would again say contradictory things that were inconsistent with each other. I tried doing things like FaceTiming into the appointments but that didn’t work well either.

Regardless, even if DH was more capable, there’s no scenario where I’m not going to be there for things like hospitalizations, treatments, surgery, etc. and there have been multiple things like that.

Oh ... I think I remember you posting about this guy before. He sounds like he is fundamentally in denial of your son's illness.

I grew up with a dad like this. I wouldn’t be afraid to divorce him. Chances are he won’t want the kids 50/50 anyway. I wish my mom had divorced my dad way earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

If he's that bad, maybe he wouldn't get 50/50.

Op here. My divorce attorney said that barring a documented history of violence or substance abuse, DH will unquestionably be entitled to 50/50 and I should plan accordingly. DH doesn’t use drugs and isn’t violent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth was he not doing the medical appts if he only works PT? And you quit your job while he only had a PT job?

All of this is such a mess.

I probably wouldn't stay married to someone like this, but I know it's more difficult with Sn kids in the mix.

op here. We tried having him handle the appointments. It was a disaster. Even with multiple reminders (verbally, text, and email from me and doc office), he would still be super late or not show up at all (or go to the wrong place). Then he’d go into the appointment and provide conflicting information and narratives that were inaccurate and inconsistent with each other. He’d forget or just somehow not convey the information that needed to be conveyed and then the whole appointment would be wasted. When I’d ask him afterwards what happened I couldn’t get the information I needed and DH would again say contradictory things that were inconsistent with each other. I tried doing things like FaceTiming into the appointments but that didn’t work well either.

Regardless, even if DH was more capable, there’s no scenario where I’m not going to be there for things like hospitalizations, treatments, surgery, etc. and there have been multiple things like that.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with that and you're child is dealing with that. I totally understand this isn't all stuff you can outsource to a nanny.

What would you do if DH died? How would you fill the gap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

You need to talk to a lawyer about whether it's possible to get full custody and what you can do to put yourself in a stronger position legally. It sounds like he is incapable of handling your son's medical issues, which maybe would serve as a path. It's possible that he doesn't even want to take on that responsibility and might agree to just visitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t see divorce as an option because then my kids would be with him unsupervised half the time. He lives in filth and is not capable of maintaining a household. His office and the garage are areas he has control over and it is not possible to walk through them or even see the floor. They are overflowing with trash, papers, computers, junk, etc.

I can’t let my kids grow up in an environment like that. I’m staying married to avoid that scenario and so I can ensure that their needs are met.

Poison him, fatally.

LOL…this.