Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle

[Anonymous]

Move the child with another family. It is obvious the parents don’t know what the hell they are doing and cannot correct this.
The parents would have to do a complete turnaround and they will not be able to. It’s too far gone. Move the child.

[Anonymous]

OP, as someone who was once a 13 year old drinking at sleepovers and sneaking out to meet boys, I can tell you that more discipline is not the answer. You daughter’s behavior is a cry for help, not a cry to be punished.

In my case, I got moved around a lot and my parents were dealing with a lot of their own issues. I was trying so hard to fit in somewhere and seeking some sort of approval from my peers. They didn’t keep me in any sort of continuous activity because of moving around.

Yes there should be consequences, but I also think you need to do something to bond with her and help her build up her value and self esteem. Also extracurriculars, especially a physical activity is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her about birth control. To all the uppity posters on here accusing OP of being an absent parent or a bad parent or think this could never happen to them because they are a superior parent, kick rocks. It could happen to anyone. Yes, it happened to me when my kid was 14. And I am a very present parent and so is my DH.

Keep talking to your child re drugs and alcohol. Have all the passcodes to your child’s phone, check it regularly (videos, photos, messaging, snap chat, WhatsApp, call history, etc). No more sleepovers, period. No matter at whose house. None.

If she’s experimenting sexually with boys you really need to talk NOW about safe sex, consent, etc. This includes discussing whether she should be on birth control. You need to be ahead of this problem. Posters may disagree but kids who are experimenting with this will do it at times other than in the middle of the night at sleepovers. They will do it at school, at a park after school, etc.

Good luck out there.

So, parenting is not influential on kids? We can just throw that out the window. No need to parent, it’s a myth.
Okay, you!

Having the attitude it won’t happen to me is just foolish (among other words). Some kids, who have very present parents and lots of support, are going to push every single boundary. A kid who doesn’t doesn’t necessarily mean their parents were amazing. It often is just that kid’s personality.

A parent who is not present would do nothing. Did I say do nothing? FFS. Can you read?

It certainly will happen more with the way op is not parenting. No one said it won’t happen. Environments are influential.
You are essentially saying to throw parenting out the window.

Again, if you’re replying to my original post to OP, I gave at least 3 immediate things to do: ban all sleepovers, regularly check phone and have all passwords and discuss birth control/consent/sex awareness.

Did I say stop parenting? Again can you actually read? I can’t stand DCUM posters like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d worry about her friends. She doesn’t seem to be hanging out with the right crowd. I would encourage her to try new activities where she might meet different kids. I’d even go so far as consider a school change.

My kids attended a small middle school and kids did not drink, vape or engage in more than kissing. Because they weren’t around that kind of behavior, it didn’t occur to them to try it. In addition to parenting, the other biggest influence on kid is their peer group.

+100

[Anonymous]

No sleepovers going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

You’re right, it is not an excuse. Yet you are using it as one.
I don’t know if you can fix this successfully.

Give me a break, drama queen. You aren’t trying to help. You just want to judge someone. I don’t have personal experience as my teen is what you may describe as a nerd. But I do believe that you can fix this. But you need to take action. No more sleepovers. Friends can come to your house or she can go to public places with track my iPhone.

[Anonymous]

OP- do the parents hosting the sleepover and other friends parents know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No phone or limited to calls and texts with you. No hanging with friends for now. No screen time beyond schoolwork.

The “disciplinary” measures may just need to be those and lots of genuine, loving attention from you — and her other parent, if present. I understand that will be hard considering your SN child. But you will have to find a way. Play board games. Visit the library. Go out to dinner and a movie. Go for hikes and walks. Bowling. Dave & Busters, even. Busy busy busy with wholesome family activity. It’s hard, I know, but your kid is worth it.

There are 13-yr-olds like this at my kids’ school. I know some of the parents and some of these kids. The parents are not absent parents, but they are busy, working parents probably like most of us here. Some kids will just be drawn to these types of activities, no matter the parenting style.

I agree with this. It may mean finding someone to come in for one day per week for the SN child. In the mean time no phone and zero contact with this group socially. Bed checks every night. Alarm on her window.

Also, counselling. Even a few sessions to get her talking.

She's young, OP. This can be turned around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to her about birth control. To all the uppity posters on here accusing OP of being an absent parent or a bad parent or think this could never happen to them because they are a superior parent, kick rocks. It could happen to anyone. Yes, it happened to me when my kid was 14. And I am a very present parent and so is my DH.

Keep talking to your child re drugs and alcohol. Have all the passcodes to your child’s phone, check it regularly (videos, photos, messaging, snap chat, WhatsApp, call history, etc). No more sleepovers, period. No matter at whose house. None.

If she’s experimenting sexually with boys you really need to talk NOW about safe sex, consent, etc. This includes discussing whether she should be on birth control. You need to be ahead of this problem. Posters may disagree but kids who are experimenting with this will do it at times other than in the middle of the night at sleepovers. They will do it at school, at a park after school, etc.

Good luck out there.

So, parenting is not influential on kids? We can just throw that out the window. No need to parent, it’s a myth.
Okay, you!

Having the attitude it won’t happen to me is just foolish (among other words). Some kids, who have very present parents and lots of support, are going to push every single boundary. A kid who doesn’t doesn’t necessarily mean their parents were amazing. It often is just that kid’s personality.

A parent who is not present would do nothing. Did I say do nothing? FFS. Can you read?

It certainly will happen more with the way op is not parenting. No one said it won’t happen. Environments are influential.
You are essentially saying to throw parenting out the window.

Again, if you’re replying to my original post to OP, I gave at least 3 immediate things to do: ban all sleepovers, regularly check phone and have all passwords and discuss birth control/consent/sex awareness.

Did I say stop parenting? Again can you actually read? I can’t stand DCUM posters like you.

No one cares who you can stand and who you can’t stand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.

You’re right, it is not an excuse. Yet you are using it as one.
I don’t know if you can fix this successfully.

Give me a break, drama queen. You aren’t trying to help. You just want to judge someone. I don’t have personal experience as my teen is what you may describe as a nerd. But I do believe that you can fix this. But you need to take action. No more sleepovers. Friends can come to your house or she can go to public places with track my iPhone.

Drama queen? When a 13 year old is drinking and engaging in sexual activity. But I’m a drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No phone or limited to calls and texts with you. No hanging with friends for now. No screen time beyond schoolwork.

The “disciplinary” measures may just need to be those and lots of genuine, loving attention from you — and her other parent, if present. I understand that will be hard considering your SN child. But you will have to find a way. Play board games. Visit the library. Go out to dinner and a movie. Go for hikes and walks. Bowling. Dave & Busters, even. Busy busy busy with wholesome family activity. It’s hard, I know, but your kid is worth it.

There are 13-yr-olds like this at my kids’ school. I know some of the parents and some of these kids. The parents are not absent parents, but they are busy, working parents probably like most of us here. Some kids will just be drawn to these types of activities, no matter the parenting style.

I agree with this. It may mean finding someone to come in for one day per week for the SN child. In the mean time no phone and zero contact with this group socially. Bed checks every night. Alarm on her window.

Also, counselling. Even a few sessions to get her talking.

She's young, OP. This can be turned around.

The 13 years old needs to be taken care of every day. Not just the one day you suggest the gets sn child help with someone else.
It can only turn around if op makes a 180 in her parenting, which is doubtful.

[Anonymous]

Move the child. The parents are ill-equipped with taking care of her. It would be best for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who was once a 13 year old drinking at sleepovers and sneaking out to meet boys, I can tell you that more discipline is not the answer. You daughter’s behavior is a cry for help, not a cry to be punished.

In my case, I got moved around a lot and my parents were dealing with a lot of their own issues. I was trying so hard to fit in somewhere and seeking some sort of approval from my peers. They didn’t keep me in any sort of continuous activity because of moving around.

Yes there should be consequences, but I also think you need to do something to bond with her and help her build up her value and self esteem. Also extracurriculars, especially a physical activity is a good idea.

The best advice on this whole thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?

I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.

This. Op, I think people are being very harsh. They probably have no clue that their daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school. Middle school seems a little early, but this is quite common weekend behavior in high school and lots of parents condone it and even supply the alcohol.

Are you really this obtuse? I mean this wholeheartedly when I ask.

Are you really that naive?

You’re naive to think that “daughters are hoing it up the exact same way in high school” just because you think people are harsh.

I think this is not uncommon teenager behavior. Were you a teenager?

And lots don’t.

Yes, but op’s daughter is. So, that ship has dialed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who was once a 13 year old drinking at sleepovers and sneaking out to meet boys, I can tell you that more discipline is not the answer. You daughter’s behavior is a cry for help, not a cry to be punished.

In my case, I got moved around a lot and my parents were dealing with a lot of their own issues. I was trying so hard to fit in somewhere and seeking some sort of approval from my peers. They didn’t keep me in any sort of continuous activity because of moving around.

Yes there should be consequences, but I also think you need to do something to bond with her and help her build up her value and self esteem. Also extracurriculars, especially a physical activity is a good idea.

The best advice on this whole thread.

That was said numerous times long before the pp posted the advice.