Anyone else going through this? Wary about discussing kids' success around public school family members

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are projecting. You believe your children are doing better and that your family is jealous. Why? Do they tell you this? I think this is really in your head. Many of the characteristics you mention may not be important to your relatives.

Most private school parents believe their private school is better than public - why else would they pay the high tuition. Most public school parents don’t hold the same opinion.

It’s a false assumption that public school parents are jealous of private schools. We have close friends whose children go to privates. We are never jealous of them. To each their own.

We do have family members whose young adults are struggling. This happens in many families. Even at the adult level. We don’t judge them or think it’s a result of their school.

Instead of comparing them, how about find the similarities and appreciate those.

No. I never said nor do I think anyone is jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are lifers at a top public, their cousins are top students at an excellent public. They have similar grades and scores and will likely end up at similar colleges so I don't make much of the differences but I have had several interactions with family where they say something about us thinking we're better, or that our kids are advantaged. It's disappointing as I try not to play up any differences. We make a point of not mentioning anything that might be distinct about the experience.

What is the difference between "top public" and "excellent public"? Are your kids at TJ and the cousins at Langley HS? And what makes your kids advantaged? Better vacations? Fancier cars?

It’s humorous phasing and clearly status obsessed. They want to make it clear they’re not in a “normal” lower caste public school. Of course the “top publics” are basically public in name only. Hyper selective like TJ or ritzy boundaries where you need over a million bucks to buy a house (and few if any multi-family rental options) are essentially private schools.

Those terms are still oxymorons

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

And they think your kids are snobby, not refined. They think you’re wasting good money on private school. They think you’re throwing away your kids’ childhoods for the sake of some fancy college. Let it go.

And why does anyone know how many honors classes anyone’s kids are in or what their ACT scores are? This whole situation sounds toxic. When we are with the extended family, we bake things with our nieces and nephews, the kids play video games, we talk about their favorite shows, what position are they playing, what new skill did they learn in dance class. Everything isn’t a competition, and I guarantee your family finds your viewpoint unsettling.

+1. Who tells their entire family their child’s SAT score or how many APs their child is taking? What a boring f*cling whack job you are. Do you make quilts out of CVS receipts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It'll be hilarious when they end up in the same colleges

It’s not where you go to college that matters but how well you do in them and how polished you are after college that matters. Too many people think it ends with college.

I guarantee you the kid who has done well in private school K-12 and developed good public speaking skills and know how to interact with rich people will be vastly more successful in later life than where they went for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It'll be hilarious when they end up in the same colleges

It’s not where you go to college that matters but how well you do in them and how polished you are after college that matters. Too many people think it ends with college.

I guarantee you the kid who has done well in private school K-12 and developed good public speaking skills and know how to interact with rich people will be vastly more successful in later life than where they went for college.

Vastly more successful just on account of attending private school k-12? Lol, no, that’s not how it works.

[Anonymous]

I am confused. Why would one talk about one’s kids school this way ?

If asked about DC and school, we respond with polite generalities: “Larla is doing fine and seems to enjoy school. Her class just was studying elephants.”. No need to advertise which school or grades or such like.

[Anonymous]

I think what makes this a great post is that I'm having a hard time distinguishing between the real posts and the troll posts.

[Anonymous]

This post reminds me of when my kids get together with their cousins. My kids are composing musical scores on the piano, swapping book recommendations, and coding in python hackathons while the cousins are collecting sticks outside and watching YouTube. Their trajectories will just keep diverging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This post reminds me of when my kids get together with their cousins. My kids are composing musical scores on the piano, swapping book recommendations, and coding in python hackathons while the cousins are collecting sticks outside and watching YouTube. Their trajectories will just keep diverging.

Let the children be children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

Is the bolded for real? Did no one ever teach you that it is rude to brag?

I’m very surprised that anyone thinks it is okay to brag.

I don’t consider it bragging when my husband is on the phone or having a drink in the basement bar talking to his brothers about all the kids. It’s just adult siblings talking up their kids. They brag, joking around, and some lighthearted sarcasm. Anything goes in a big outgoing family. But as our private school kids get older and more defined, that distance they’re created versus their public school teenage cousins is making me increasingly uncomfortable. Almost like a feeling of guilt or embarrassment. It’s difficult to express in words. I wasn’t sure if I was alone in feeling this way. It’s hard to participate in the same family conversations, at least with the same transparency.

If the conversation is about how many APs, how rigorous classes really are, or what children’s scores on standardized test are, you’ve crossed over to inappropriate bragging. It’s very odd for adults to sit around discussing these things about their kids- especially while having a drink in the basement bar! As my mother would say, were you raised in a barn that you don’t know the difference between appropriate conversational topics and bragging about your kids?

I do hope this is a troll and I’m just wasting my time here, but my kid went to TJ and I did encounter a number of parents there who were totally unaware that talking about their children’s SAT scores and class grades is inappropriate and braggy. So I do believe that people like this actually exist and maybe they just need to learn about manners and courtesy in an anonymous forum. Maybe if they know better, they’ll do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Why would one talk about one’s kids school this way?

If asked about DC and school, we respond with polite generalities: “Larla is doing fine and seems to enjoy school. Her class just was studying elephants.”. No need to advertise which school or grades or such like.

I’m OP. Amongst family, I didn’t think talking in detail about what your kids and their similarly-aged nieces and nephews are up to at school is odd. I’ve been at travel sports events and random parents brag and babble for hours about sports stats, training regimen, diet, coaches, teams, the next season, the last tournament, alleged recruiting, and on and on. That’s to strangers about relatively meaningless sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

And they think your kids are snobby, not refined. They think you’re wasting good money on private school. They think you’re throwing away your kids’ childhoods for the sake of some fancy college. Let it go.

And why does anyone know how many honors classes anyone’s kids are in or what their ACT scores are? This whole situation sounds toxic. When we are with the extended family, we bake things with our nieces and nephews, the kids play video games, we talk about their favorite shows, what position are they playing, what new skill did they learn in dance class. Everything isn’t a competition, and I guarantee your family finds your viewpoint unsettling.

+1. Who tells their entire family their child’s SAT score or how many APs their child is taking? What a boring f*cling whack job you are. Do you make quilts out of CVS receipts?

💀 Dyyying. ♥️ the cvs throw down.

[Anonymous]

How about recognizing that all the children in your family have strengths and something beautiful to offer, even if it’s not in the form of particularly confident or well-spoken commentary, world travels, or high test scores?

Speaking as a private school parent with family members who are deeply committed to the public school system, it’s not an issue with our family because I don’t think that the ways our kids are different make mine inherently superior.

It’s awesome your kids are doing well in ways that make you feel particularly proud, OP. But your obvious belief that this makes them better than their cousins who are not quite as “polished” , or that your family does or should feel self-conscious about this dynamic, is kind of gross.

Kids have a lot to offer the world and all of us, even if it’s not in the polished form you clearly prefer. If you pick up on sensitivity from your family members, it’s probably not because they are feeling self-conscious about their children. It’s because they see how beautiful and special they are, just as they are, and you seem to only be judging .

[Anonymous]

Yes.

I say nothing about my kids to extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Why would one talk about one’s kids school this way?

If asked about DC and school, we respond with polite generalities: “Larla is doing fine and seems to enjoy school. Her class just was studying elephants.”. No need to advertise which school or grades or such like.

I’m OP. Amongst family, I didn’t think talking in detail about what your kids and their similarly-aged nieces and nephews are up to at school is odd. I’ve been at travel sports events and random parents brag and babble for hours about sports stats, training regimen, diet, coaches, teams, the next season, the last tournament, alleged recruiting, and on and on. That’s to strangers about relatively meaningless sports.

Yes, it is pretty odd.

At a sports event, the people there are all interested in the sport, to one extent or another, and parents may be asking for advice or information from other parents. Obviously simply talking about how great someone’s little darling is doing is bragging and is inappropriate.

At a family event, there should be plenty of general topics to talk about without going into detail about what kids are doing in school. Unless one relative is asking another for specific advice about an educational choice, there is no reason to be going on and on about classes and test scores. If the rest of your family thinks these are normal conversational topics, be the bigger, more polite person and just steer the conversation elsewhere. And get your husband on the same boat with you. You’ll avoid a lot of situations where you could unintentionally offend someone or hurt their feelings this way and everyone will be happier.