Anyone else going through this? Wary about discussing kids' success around public school family members

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

Is the bolded for real? Did no one ever teach you that it is rude to brag?

I’m very surprised that anyone thinks it is okay to brag.

I don’t consider it bragging when my husband is on the phone or having a drink in the basement bar talking to his brothers about all the kids. It’s just adult siblings talking up their kids. They brag, joking around, and some lighthearted sarcasm. Anything goes in a big outgoing family. But as our private school kids get older and more defined, that distance they’re created versus their public school teenage cousins is making me increasingly uncomfortable. Almost like a feeling of guilt or embarrassment. It’s difficult to express in words. I wasn’t sure if I was alone in feeling this way. It’s hard to participate in the same family conversations, at least with the same transparency.

If the conversation is about how many APs, how rigorous classes really are, or what children’s scores on standardized test are, you’ve crossed over to inappropriate bragging. It’s very odd for adults to sit around discussing these things about their kids- especially while having a drink in the basement bar! As my mother would say, were you raised in a barn that you don’t know the difference between appropriate conversational topics and bragging about your kids?

I do hope this is a troll and I’m just wasting my time here, but my kid went to TJ and I did encounter a number of parents there who were totally unaware that talking about their children’s SAT scores and class grades is inappropriate and braggy. So I do believe that people like this actually exist and maybe they just need to learn about manners and courtesy in an anonymous forum. Maybe if they know better, they’ll do better.

Societal norms are different for some immigrant groups. For example, the Chinese have no problem asking how much you make, how much you spent on your house, what your monthly rental is. Then there are the Japanese who would never be caught blowing their nose in public. Some cultures are simply very crass.
Speaking as someone who grew up in an Asian household, I've never understood what the purpose is in gossiping about one's child. All the bragging and complaining doesn't change outcomes. I think there is some effort at shaming the low performers though in some dumb hope that the comparisons will magically increase the GPA or test scores. There isn't a culture of encouraging what a child is good at if it's not associated with a grade nor funnelling their potential in that direction.

The OP didn’t say anything about being part of an ethnic immigrant culture. The fact is she lives here in the US, as do her children and the relatives she is bragging to. If her kids are planning to spend their lives here, the adults should be modeling good manners for them. If they grow up thinking that bragging is okay, they will have difficulties getting along with friends and work colleagues.

Adult siblings talking in detail about their children is not bad manners, it is perfectly normal. You talk about kids, you talk about careers, you talk about investment opportunities, and you even clutch-the-pearls detail how much money you make. You miserable shut-ins project all of your family estrangement and social issues onto others. Just because you're an anti-social outcast who is sketchy and evasive around family, you think everyone else is too.

what? no, no you don’t do any of this. you sound awful. and also like my rich successful brother, who nobody wants to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t relate. I have two teens, one in public and one in private. Among their cousins, who are all out of college and in their 20s, three went to private and three went to public. The public-educated kids are faring better at adulthood across the board. Better college acceptances, higher paying jobs, and better general independence. Every single one of these 6 kids went through degrees of an awkward, mumbly phase as a teenager, though. Get over yourself, OP.

You spam a variation of this in every other private school forum thread.

DP. It’s true tho in our family too. Public school kids doing better than private school. And don’t get me started on some of the messed up private school kids. What the private school kids have is clearly nicer surroundings- nicer physical facilities, nicer school activities, fancier friends. But the public school kids are killing it academically. Some private school families seem to be in denial about just how good some public schools are.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My kid just go early admission from Brown (from BCC). His best friend at 30-40k? a year didn't. They both did private in younger years and we pulled mine out at some point because our neighborhood kids all loved BCC so we thought we'd give it a shot and haven't looked back. And this kid was a legacy! Very similar backgrounds, houses, vacations, summer camps though I didn't pay for my kid to participate in an Ivy league summer debate program. My kid worked at a rec center that summer selling sodas. I am sure that this kid will get into somewhere but definitely not his top few choices. And we remodeled our kitchen. We could have afforded private but it would have been a stretch. These are my favorite posts to troll because the private parents are so obnoxious and think that their grass is so green!

More worn out trolling from public school crazies who can't stop F5'ing the private school forum all week.

I love reading the public parent posts. My kids are too young to apply to Brown yet but at least they’re not in the same school with these types of people who are cruelty demeaning a “best friend”. It’s a good reminder to keep my kids away from the type of people who are rooting for their failure and mocking them when they do. I really appreciate our small school community and how supportive people are.

+1 public school parents are insufferable and that alone is enough reason to do private because of course it impacts their kids

The subset of public schools parents that post on private school forums to dunk on private schools are arguably “insufferable.” But so are the sort of (private school) parents that would slander the entire universe of public school parents.

—signed a private school lifer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid just go early admission from Brown (from BCC). His best friend at 30-40k? a year didn't. They both did private in younger years and we pulled mine out at some point because our neighborhood kids all loved BCC so we thought we'd give it a shot and haven't looked back. And this kid was a legacy! Very similar backgrounds, houses, vacations, summer camps though I didn't pay for my kid to participate in an Ivy league summer debate program. My kid worked at a rec center that summer selling sodas. I am sure that this kid will get into somewhere but definitely not his top few choices. And we remodeled our kitchen. We could have afforded private but it would have been a stretch. These are my favorite posts to troll because the private parents are so obnoxious and think that their grass is so green!

More worn out trolling from public school crazies who can't stop F5'ing the private school forum all week.

I love reading the public parent posts. My kids are too young to apply to Brown yet but at least they’re not in the same school with these types of people who are cruelty demeaning a “best friend”. It’s a good reminder to keep my kids away from the type of people who are rooting for their failure and mocking them when they do. I really appreciate our small school community and how supportive people are.

+1 public school parents are insufferable and that alone is enough reason to do private because of course it impacts their kids

The subset of public schools parents that post on private school forums to dunk on private schools are arguably “insufferable.” But so are the sort of (private school) parents that would slander the entire universe of public school parents.

—signed a private school lifer

This subset ruins it for everyone at public and you know it.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t relate. I have two teens, one in public and one in private. Among their cousins, who are all out of college and in their 20s, three went to private and three went to public. The public-educated kids are faring better at adulthood across the board. Better college acceptances, higher paying jobs, and better general independence. Every single one of these 6 kids went through degrees of an awkward, mumbly phase as a teenager, though. Get over yourself, OP.

You spam a variation of this in every other private school forum thread.

DP. It’s true tho in our family too. Public school kids doing better than private school. And don’t get me started on some of the messed up private school kids. What the private school kids have is clearly nicer surroundings- nicer physical facilities, nicer school activities, fancier friends. But the public school kids are killing it academically. Some private school families seem to be in denial about just how good some public schools are.

Depends entirely on the schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It'll be hilarious when they end up in the same colleges

And similar jobs.

That's what happened to one of my siblings friends: he went to private and his parents were snobbish about it, my sibling went to public. Both ended up at the same college, and then in the same job for the same fed agency. The friend"s parents were not happy, after all that money they paid.

I’m also a private school lifer and Ivy League grad who is now in the federal government, most of my peers don’t have the same type of education. A few differences though, I had offers from the best investment banks and the top consultants out of college and later decided to work for the government because my spouse has a high powered job and one of us wanted flexibility. My education gave me these options, and my parents could easily afford it. Now that I’m a fed I quickly rose to the top and became an SES before 40. I have a strong reputation for being an excellent writer, presenter, and critical thinker. Grateful for my excellent education all of the time, I’m happy to do the same for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That's what happened to one of my siblings friends: he went to private and his parents were snobbish about it, my sibling went to public. Both ended up at the same college, and then in the same job for the same fed agency. The friend"s parents were not happy, after all that money they paid.

The thing is you never know how the counter factual would turn out. It’s also possible had the same kid gone to public school he would have gone to an even worse college, or flunked out in college. What’s interesting is how many public school parents here make college matriculation or first job the end all be all, as if life ends at that point. Like a Disney movie.

Personally I think private school is most important in the elementary and middle school years. When the foundations are good, even when you have hiccups in life, you can recover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

Is the bolded for real? Did no one ever teach you that it is rude to brag?

I’m very surprised that anyone thinks it is okay to brag.

I don’t consider it bragging when my husband is on the phone or having a drink in the basement bar talking to his brothers about all the kids. It’s just adult siblings talking up their kids. They brag, joking around, and some lighthearted sarcasm. Anything goes in a big outgoing family. But as our private school kids get older and more defined, that distance they’re created versus their public school teenage cousins is making me increasingly uncomfortable. Almost like a feeling of guilt or embarrassment. It’s difficult to express in words. I wasn’t sure if I was alone in feeling this way. It’s hard to participate in the same family conversations, at least with the same transparency.

If the conversation is about how many APs, how rigorous classes really are, or what children’s scores on standardized test are, you’ve crossed over to inappropriate bragging. It’s very odd for adults to sit around discussing these things about their kids- especially while having a drink in the basement bar! As my mother would say, were you raised in a barn that you don’t know the difference between appropriate conversational topics and bragging about your kids?

I do hope this is a troll and I’m just wasting my time here, but my kid went to TJ and I did encounter a number of parents there who were totally unaware that talking about their children’s SAT scores and class grades is inappropriate and braggy. So I do believe that people like this actually exist and maybe they just need to learn about manners and courtesy in an anonymous forum. Maybe if they know better, they’ll do better.

Societal norms are different for some immigrant groups. For example, the Chinese have no problem asking how much you make, how much you spent on your house, what your monthly rental is. Then there are the Japanese who would never be caught blowing their nose in public. Some cultures are simply very crass.
Speaking as someone who grew up in an Asian household, I've never understood what the purpose is in gossiping about one's child. All the bragging and complaining doesn't change outcomes. I think there is some effort at shaming the low performers though in some dumb hope that the comparisons will magically increase the GPA or test scores. There isn't a culture of encouraging what a child is good at if it's not associated with a grade nor funnelling their potential in that direction.

The OP didn’t say anything about being part of an ethnic immigrant culture. The fact is she lives here in the US, as do her children and the relatives she is bragging to. If her kids are planning to spend their lives here, the adults should be modeling good manners for them. If they grow up thinking that bragging is okay, they will have difficulties getting along with friends and work colleagues.

Adult siblings talking in detail about their children is not bad manners, it is perfectly normal. You talk about kids, you talk about careers, you talk about investment opportunities, and you even clutch-the-pearls detail how much money you make. You miserable shut-ins project all of your family estrangement and social issues onto others. Just because you're an anti-social outcast who is sketchy and evasive around family, you think everyone else is too.

If this is OP, you are really invested in making it sound as though bragging about your kids to your family is perfectly fine. It isn’t. But you will not listen to the many people here telling you this, so sadly, you will eventually find out the hard way.

It’s too bad your children are not being exposed to better manners.

[Anonymous]

In our family the cousins who are in private have had real challenges and would clearly benefit from more individual attention and smaller classes, and they are doing great where they are. The cousins in public were doing well there all the way through, enjoyed their schools and activities, and did well academically. So you can’t compare them by school, they are entirely different kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't brag about your kids, it's not a good look OP and creates issues for the kids.

My experience as a private school lifer leads me to believe that public school students to catch up quickly when in college and some private students crash and burn. My sibling, who went to public school, definitely outperformed some of his friends who went to private.

A lot of private students end up burned out and on drugs / alcohol before they reach college. I drank but stayed away from drugs, and did fine, but I was "poor" and some of my richer classmates didn't do so well.

Yes; this is a thing (I’m also a private school kid). Part of it is that they are in a much more micromanaged environment for high school, and they get to college and either a) go crazy and rebel, b) flounder and spiral when they’re supposedly supposed to manage things on their own and aren’t accustomed to doing so (for example: private school high school classes are smaller, there is a lot to direct accountability for showing up to class, doing your work, etc. - not so in the case of most college courses; what you do or don’t do is your choice) or c) have an identity crisis when they realize they’ve been told they’re special and super smart and unique, but they’re surrounded by “lesser” public school kids who are equally as capable and even more motivated than they are.

It’s not not recoverable! But it’s definitely a thing

You post these same fake, worn out, thinly-masked anti-private school tropes in every other private school thread.

Haha PP here and…what? I don’t think I’ve ever even been on the private school forum before, and I’ve definitely never posted there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid just go early admission from Brown (from BCC). His best friend at 30-40k? a year didn't. They both did private in younger years and we pulled mine out at some point because our neighborhood kids all loved BCC so we thought we'd give it a shot and haven't looked back. And this kid was a legacy! Very similar backgrounds, houses, vacations, summer camps though I didn't pay for my kid to participate in an Ivy league summer debate program. My kid worked at a rec center that summer selling sodas. I am sure that this kid will get into somewhere but definitely not his top few choices. And we remodeled our kitchen. We could have afforded private but it would have been a stretch. These are my favorite posts to troll because the private parents are so obnoxious and think that their grass is so green!

More worn out trolling from public school crazies who can't stop F5'ing the private school forum all week.

I love reading the public parent posts. My kids are too young to apply to Brown yet but at least they’re not in the same school with these types of people who are cruelty demeaning a “best friend”. It’s a good reminder to keep my kids away from the type of people who are rooting for their failure and mocking them when they do. I really appreciate our small school community and how supportive people are.

+1 public school parents are insufferable and that alone is enough reason to do private because of course it impacts their kids

The subset of public schools parents that post on private school forums to dunk on private schools are arguably “insufferable.” But so are the sort of (private school) parents that would slander the entire universe of public school parents.

—signed a private school lifer

I get it, I can be insufferable, but it’s because I’m a former private lifer who has seen the light. I want to share my truth (and save you some money). I can’t do it IRL because I’m polite, but this is my way of spreading the word.

—signed a former private school lifer, very happily converted to a much more competitive, academically (and athletically) superior public school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid just go early admission from Brown (from BCC). His best friend at 30-40k? a year didn't. They both did private in younger years and we pulled mine out at some point because our neighborhood kids all loved BCC so we thought we'd give it a shot and haven't looked back. And this kid was a legacy! Very similar backgrounds, houses, vacations, summer camps though I didn't pay for my kid to participate in an Ivy league summer debate program. My kid worked at a rec center that summer selling sodas. I am sure that this kid will get into somewhere but definitely not his top few choices. And we remodeled our kitchen. We could have afforded private but it would have been a stretch. These are my favorite posts to troll because the private parents are so obnoxious and think that their grass is so green!

More worn out trolling from public school crazies who can't stop F5'ing the private school forum all week.

I love reading the public parent posts. My kids are too young to apply to Brown yet but at least they’re not in the same school with these types of people who are cruelty demeaning a “best friend”. It’s a good reminder to keep my kids away from the type of people who are rooting for their failure and mocking them when they do. I really appreciate our small school community and how supportive people are.

+1 public school parents are insufferable and that alone is enough reason to do private because of course it impacts their kids

The subset of public schools parents that post on private school forums to dunk on private schools are arguably “insufferable.” But so are the sort of (private school) parents that would slander the entire universe of public school parents.

—signed a private school lifer

I get it, I can be insufferable, but it’s because I’m a former private lifer who has seen the light. I want to share my truth (and save you some money). I can’t do it IRL because I’m polite, but this is my way of spreading the word.

—signed a former private school lifer, very happily converted to a much more competitive, academically (and athletically) superior public school

Nobody is asking for money saving techniques. The specific schools matter so your vague generalities have limited generalizability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our family the cousins who are in private have had real challenges and would clearly benefit from more individual attention and smaller classes, and they are doing great where they are. The cousins in public were doing well there all the way through, enjoyed their schools and activities, and did well academically. So you can’t compare them by school, they are entirely different kids.

Cousins share a lot of genetics (nature) and parents are of similar success. The biggest difference nurture-wise would be the schools they attend and the social circle they steep in (which tends to be peers from school).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am confused. Why would one talk about one’s kids school this way?

If asked about DC and school, we respond with polite generalities: “Larla is doing fine and seems to enjoy school. Her class just was studying elephants.”. No need to advertise which school or grades or such like.

I’m OP. Amongst family, I didn’t think talking in detail about what your kids and their similarly-aged nieces and nephews are up to at school is odd. I’ve been at travel sports events and random parents brag and babble for hours about sports stats, training regimen, diet, coaches, teams, the next season, the last tournament, alleged recruiting, and on and on. That’s to strangers about relatively meaningless sports.

OP, none of the other parents find you interesting.