Anyone else going through this? Wary about discussing kids' success around public school family members

[Anonymous]

OH. MY. GOD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lesson: don’t talk up your kids. Ever.

This. Just listen and don’t contribute anything to the conversation. They may think your kids aren’t doing well but so what. I hate this kind of talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

The clear answer is for you to pay for them to go to private school so they can catch up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

This is cracking me up how serious and earnest you seem to be about this. You know how when you were all first time parents with young kids, some got all caught up in milestones and who walked at X months and who sang ABCs at Y age and were constantly obsessing and comparing and bragging…and some had the wisdom and perspective to say, “yep, literally none of this will matter in 5/10 years”? You’re being the former, right now. You sound so so silly, it was almost painful to read that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

So their kids are uncouth and they aren’t bright enough to notice, but you are? Of course.

[Anonymous]

I am wary of people like you OP pretending to be upper class when your HHI is nothing.

Mine is way over 2 mil a year. Doubt you can compare. And my kids all went to publc school.

And oh dear they all went to better colleges than your kids I can guarantee it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lesson: don’t talk up your kids. Ever.

Easier said than done. In a big, close & gregarious extended family, how the kids are doing tends to dominate basically every gathering and phone call.

Bull.

If you can’t talk about what your kids are doing and enjoying without tying it to academic success, your kids have miserable lives.

[Anonymous]

“I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.”

OMG. Some of you are just too much. Yes, Bentley and Brantley are just too far advanced and your family is too simple-‘minded to understand. But it is uncomfortable for you. What to do?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP and not a troll. This is happening to our family. It’s driving our kids apart from their public school cousins at gatherings. When they offer to play pedestrian games like hide and seek and our kids respond with suggestions of math proofs, the blank looks on their faces speak volumes. We can’t even engage in our typical family practices around our extended family, like speaking Latin at the dinner table. We swallowed our pride and spoke the king’s English at my nephews birthday dinner but it felt so low brow. I do hope it gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

Private or public school for you and/or cousins? How did you and the cousins turn out?

Lol. It's still the same. They are still living off what's left of family fortunes from Victorian era. Mainly from families they married into and even divorced out of that aren't on our side. Much dissipation of assets through failed business ventures. But enough went into various real estate assets that they were able to keep flipping that they are still ahead moneywise. They went to fancy prep schools but couldn't hack it even at prep schools (drop outs) so I don't remember where they all went to college. My gen of cousins on that side all have to work now.

On my side, there was a preference for being academic/smart and marrying based on smarts. We are all highly-educated and UMC of some type but no showy real estate and no trust money from the family that links us. My father prepped. My gen was at "good public schools". Such as the "'W" middle school I painfully endured for one year. More state schools with merit focus on our side plus a fondness for one Ivy that is not HYP.

It's quite clear that one side married wealthy women and the other did not. But if the result is not owning motels and an outhouse rental business, I'm totally fine with it. I'd rather be left in peace to think my thinky thoughts in a corporate job.

What I find interesting is how family norms and values transmit over time. I like my family's values better but I also would have liked to have been better friends with my cousins. The older gen jealousies poisoned the relationships we might have built. We are barely in touch now, through the few family connections that still talk. At one time, we had next door summer homes courtesy of the Victorian fortune but those are sold now. So we don't cross paths or reach out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just say the kids are doing great. No one needs to know that Bretton got a 1540 on her SATs and Brinleeee got a 5 on his AP test.

This. It’s not hard, OP. And if your kids are accustomed to hearing you blab on about their grades and scores, I’d try real hard to nip that in the bud. Eventually they’ll run into challenging things in life, and they might have a hard time if they’ve been made to think their mommy’s perfect little superstars.

+1 high “yikes” alerts going on here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wary of people like you OP pretending to be upper class when your HHI is nothing.

Mine is way over 2 mil a year. Doubt you can compare. And my kids all went to publc school.

And oh dear they all went to better colleges than your kids I can guarantee it.

And we could tell within 30 seconds of meeting your kids that they went to public. That plebian stamp is hard to mask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't happen within family for us (mostly because our close family is on board with private school because we all went to private schools), but I do find myself careful of what I say to some friends. And it's mostly because people get weird about schooling in general. I think sometimes there is a perception that if you send your child to private school you are judging them for sending theirs to the school (or school system) you opted out of.

Umm, no. I actually judge you for sending your kid to private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wary of people like you OP pretending to be upper class when your HHI is nothing.

Mine is way over 2 mil a year. Doubt you can compare. And my kids all went to publc school.

And oh dear they all went to better colleges than your kids I can guarantee it.

And we could tell within 30 seconds of meeting your kids that they went to public. That plebian stamp is hard to mask.

DP. Who cares if you can tell? Nothing to mask and nothing to be ashamed of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

This is cracking me up how serious and earnest you seem to be about this. You know how when you were all first time parents with young kids, some got all caught up in milestones and who walked at X months and who sang ABCs at Y age and were constantly obsessing and comparing and bragging…and some had the wisdom and perspective to say, “yep, literally none of this will matter in 5/10 years”? You’re being the former, right now. You sound so so silly, it was almost painful to read that

You made a good point with the some early childhood milestones not really mattering all that much. But you are mistaken about young adult academics, rigor, test scores, communication skills, polish and poise being meaningless big picture. That is why this is getting increasingly uncomfortable.