Anyone else going through this? Wary about discussing kids' success around public school family members

[Anonymous]

I would hate to be at the OP's family events....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

Is the bolded for real? Did no one ever teach you that it is rude to brag?

I’m very surprised that anyone thinks it is okay to brag.

I don’t consider it bragging when my husband is on the phone or having a drink in the basement bar talking to his brothers about all the kids. It’s just adult siblings talking up their kids. They brag, joking around, and some lighthearted sarcasm. Anything goes in a big outgoing family. But as our private school kids get older and more defined, that distance they’re created versus their public school teenage cousins is making me increasingly uncomfortable. Almost like a feeling of guilt or embarrassment. It’s difficult to express in words. I wasn’t sure if I was alone in feeling this way. It’s hard to participate in the same family conversations, at least with the same transparency.

If the conversation is about how many APs, how rigorous classes really are, or what children’s scores on standardized test are, you’ve crossed over to inappropriate bragging. It’s very odd for adults to sit around discussing these things about their kids- especially while having a drink in the basement bar! As my mother would say, were you raised in a barn that you don’t know the difference between appropriate conversational topics and bragging about your kids?

I do hope this is a troll and I’m just wasting my time here, but my kid went to TJ and I did encounter a number of parents there who were totally unaware that talking about their children’s SAT scores and class grades is inappropriate and braggy. So I do believe that people like this actually exist and maybe they just need to learn about manners and courtesy in an anonymous forum. Maybe if they know better, they’ll do better.

Societal norms are different for some immigrant groups. For example, the Chinese have no problem asking how much you make, how much you spent on your house, what your monthly rental is. Then there are the Japanese who would never be caught blowing their nose in public. Some cultures are simply very crass.
Speaking as someone who grew up in an Asian household, I've never understood what the purpose is in gossiping about one's child. All the bragging and complaining doesn't change outcomes. I think there is some effort at shaming the low performers though in some dumb hope that the comparisons will magically increase the GPA or test scores. There isn't a culture of encouraging what a child is good at if it's not associated with a grade nor funnelling their potential in that direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're the public school folks with kids who mumble. We have some distant relatives with highly accomplished private school kids. It's fine when they talk about what their kids are doing (winning awards, taking classes in Europe), since it's a natural topic of conversation. They don't seem to be bragging or putting down our kids.

Are you sure or is it all going over your head?

Or maybe it slides off their back.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a you problem rather than a them problem. One of my siblings has a very expensive luxury car, I drive an old Ford SUV. Every so often he makes some weird remark about how he’d be willing to lend me his fancy car for the night or take me for a spin and I… just don’t care at all about cars. You made different choices for where your kids go to school, ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're the public school folks with kids who mumble. We have some distant relatives with highly accomplished private school kids. It's fine when they talk about what their kids are doing (winning awards, taking classes in Europe), since it's a natural topic of conversation. They don't seem to be bragging or putting down our kids.

Are you sure or is it all going over your head?

Or maybe it slides off their back.

+1 One of the benefits of attending public school is that you’re not made to feel special or superior, so you might be less likely to think everything is an affront to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It'll be hilarious when they end up in the same colleges

It’s not where you go to college that matters but how well you do in them and how polished you are after college that matters. Too many people think it ends with college.

I guarantee you the kid who has done well in private school K-12 and developed good public speaking skills and know how to interact with rich people will be vastly more successful in later life than where they went for college.

Lol is this a money back guarantee?! I grew up in this area (…and actually went to private schools) and can tell you that that’s not true. It’s just not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a you problem rather than a them problem. One of my siblings has a very expensive luxury car, I drive an old Ford SUV. Every so often he makes some weird remark about how he’d be willing to lend me his fancy car for the night or take me for a spin and I… just don’t care at all about cars. You made different choices for where your kids go to school, ok.

This is actually a perfect, perfect analogy. Spot on. And I’m sure your wouldn’t/doesn’t quite believe that you’re just not interested in that, because it’s something that’s clearly SO important to them. Different priorities

[Anonymous]

Don't brag about your kids, it's not a good look OP and creates issues for the kids.

My experience as a private school lifer leads me to believe that public school students to catch up quickly when in college and some private students crash and burn. My sibling, who went to public school, definitely outperformed some of his friends who went to private.

A lot of private students end up burned out and on drugs / alcohol before they reach college. I drank but stayed away from drugs, and did fine, but I was "poor" and some of my richer classmates didn't do so well.

[Anonymous]

The private school kids in my husband's family, which has about an even split, are hot messes as adults. Alcoholism, living off their parents, etc. They are private school lifers and can't seem to handle any adversity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It'll be hilarious when they end up in the same colleges

It’s not where you go to college that matters but how well you do in them and how polished you are after college that matters. Too many people think it ends with college.

I guarantee you the kid who has done well in private school K-12 and developed good public speaking skills and know how to interact with rich people will be vastly more successful in later life than where they went for college.

Exactly. Do we all die in our early 20’s or something? Yes, where you go to college is but what you do there is what really matters.

Signed,
An ivy grad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

It’s better to not compare and not trumpet that kids are in private school. Unless you have a deep need to brag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't brag about your kids, it's not a good look OP and creates issues for the kids.

My experience as a private school lifer leads me to believe that public school students to catch up quickly when in college and some private students crash and burn. My sibling, who went to public school, definitely outperformed some of his friends who went to private.

A lot of private students end up burned out and on drugs / alcohol before they reach college. I drank but stayed away from drugs, and did fine, but I was "poor" and some of my richer classmates didn't do so well.

Nice try, troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The private school kids in my husband's family, which has about an even split, are hot messes as adults. Alcoholism, living off their parents, etc. They are private school lifers and can't seem to handle any adversity.

Another troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP and not a troll. This is happening to our family. It’s driving our kids apart from their public school cousins at gatherings. When they offer to play pedestrian games like hide and seek and our kids respond with suggestions of math proofs, the blank looks on their faces speak volumes. We can’t even engage in our typical family practices around our extended family, like speaking Latin at the dinner table. We swallowed our pride and spoke the king’s English at my nephews birthday dinner but it felt so low brow. I do hope it gets better.

lol standing ovation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't brag about your kids, it's not a good look OP and creates issues for the kids.

My experience as a private school lifer leads me to believe that public school students to catch up quickly when in college and some private students crash and burn. My sibling, who went to public school, definitely outperformed some of his friends who went to private.

A lot of private students end up burned out and on drugs / alcohol before they reach college. I drank but stayed away from drugs, and did fine, but I was "poor" and some of my richer classmates didn't do so well.

Nice try, troll.

This is my experience too. If you have kids in private or went to a private and a good college you know this is like 35% of kids. Burnout and drug use or substance use.