Anyone else going through this? Wary about discussing kids' success around public school family members

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry other posters are being dismissive and don't want to help you. I get it.

Our kids are a bit older than yours and I can help give you some perspective.

When we'd get together with the public school cousins I would always tell my kids to try to talk to them about small things they just might have in common. Like music or tv (avoiding topics like classical music and art films). When we had them over to our house we'd serve simple foods like cheeseburgers and spaghetti instead of our usual fare (dover sole, artichokes with aioli, risotto, I'm sure you get it). We'd also be sure to have those little orange ramen soup packets for the cousins. We avoided talking about academics and kept discussion very basic, intellectually.

Anyway, now they are all adults and they get along great. They have a lot to talk about, and the public school cousins are always eager to spend time with my kids, especially if they get to babysit my daughter's kids (she pays them well). They've also been really nice about visiting my son, who is in prison for insider trading, and he has graciously let them use his home in Montauk while he's "away."

Anyway, it gets better!

I'm laughing. This honestly hits home. Public school teens in our family only seem to want to eat chicken tenders, pizza, or mac & cheese! And I refuse to buy it for any family gatherings but they clearly eat fast food multiple times a week when they're not around us. Their parents are ambitious and competitive and highlight the kids having all A report cards and sometimes they're even in AP courses. But then you prod a little more and they tell you the teen never has homework, they didn't bother sitting for official AP exams (or they don't know what they scored), and the "advanced" math they're taking as a 12th grader sure sounds more like algebra II. The only time the public school teens don't mumble is when they're talking about sports or video games. And if the ACT or SAT is mediocre, they either dodge talking about it or have some excuse about the teen had a big game or tournament that same weekend, so they were exhausted when they sat for it.

OMG, you realize that previous post was satire, right? RIGHT?

No, he/she does not. Head is far, far up own butt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.”

OMG. Some of you are just too much. Yes, Bentley and Brantley are just too far advanced and your family is too simple-‘minded to understand. But it is uncomfortable for you. What to do?!

and stupid- I went to a fancy private school and have cousins all over- some lived in Springfield VA and now run hospitals for U Penn etc, some went to Pg county high schools and UMD and now live in Bethesda, and I- well I dont even live in the Washington area anymore b/c 1- I didnt have that hustle and 2. graduated into 2008 from college and never recovered so I live in flyover country and hate it even though I also earn a 2%er wage, its not enough for. family of 5 to live in DC and im pretty sure my cousins are better off than me. I have a cousin who went to Gaithersburg and no college except for maybe MC and got a job working at a FAANG way back in 2000 or something and has stock that has grown exponentially,, living a nice suburban life on a coast . You never know how someone is going to turn out-i've seen brilliant kids burn out, total jocks who couldn't care less get their a$$ handed to them by their first crappy job, buckle down and get accepted to T10 programs. oh and we are not URM or any other hooks. And ive seen this played out all over- so many failure to launch kids living in Potomac/Bethesda/Mcclean with their worried parents who gave them every advantage in life. Aint nothing like having rich aunties and uncles to motivate that hustle in the poorer kids who feel that condescension and need to get even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP and not a troll. This is happening to our family. It’s driving our kids apart from their public school cousins at gatherings. When they offer to play pedestrian games like hide and seek and our kids respond with suggestions of math proofs, the blank looks on their faces speak volumes. We can’t even engage in our typical family practices around our extended family, like speaking Latin at the dinner table. We swallowed our pride and spoke the king’s English at my nephews birthday dinner but it felt so low brow. I do hope it gets better.

EPIC +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP and not a troll. This is happening to our family. It’s driving our kids apart from their public school cousins at gatherings. When they offer to play pedestrian games like hide and seek and our kids respond with suggestions of math proofs, the blank looks on their faces speak volumes. We can’t even engage in our typical family practices around our extended family, like speaking Latin at the dinner table. We swallowed our pride and spoke the king’s English at my nephews birthday dinner but it felt so low brow. I do hope it gets better.

Math proofs and Latin? Your children clearly lack social intelligence. I am sure someone already commented on above… I have not read the thread. BUT I could not, not reply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

Are you sure that you grasp "the full extent of the widening gaps"? My kids, all in private schools, will likely all attend public universities, right alongside --gasp-- kids coming from public high schools, all earning the same merit money.

Meanwhile, my friends' kids in mediocre public schools have been accepted into multiple Ivy League schools -- yes, one was accepted into not one, but two, top Ivies that people on DCUM are always salivating over. Meanwhile, I won't be paying for those colleges even if my kids are admitted bc I have been paying private-school tuition for multiple kids grades K-12. Something to consider...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It'll be hilarious when they end up in the same colleges

This. Wow. You’ve got issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

Is the bolded for real? Did no one ever teach you that it is rude to brag?

I’m very surprised that anyone thinks it is okay to brag.

I don’t consider it bragging when my husband is on the phone or having a drink in the basement bar talking to his brothers about all the kids. It’s just adult siblings talking up their kids. They brag, joking around, and some lighthearted sarcasm. Anything goes in a big outgoing family. But as our private school kids get older and more defined, that distance they’re created versus their public school teenage cousins is making me increasingly uncomfortable. Almost like a feeling of guilt or embarrassment. It’s difficult to express in words. I wasn’t sure if I was alone in feeling this way. It’s hard to participate in the same family conversations, at least with the same transparency.

Not sure what you're bragging about but I don't find this to be true. Friends' kids have attended public schools and have had equal or better college results and better vacations along the way. Also seem to have more credit hours from high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family the cousins who are in private have had real challenges and would clearly benefit from more individual attention and smaller classes, and they are doing great where they are. The cousins in public were doing well there all the way through, enjoyed their schools and activities, and did well academically. So you can’t compare them by school, they are entirely different kids.

Cousins share a lot of genetics (nature) and parents are of similar success. The biggest difference nurture-wise would be the schools they attend and the social circle they steep in (which tends to be peers from school).

Nope. First cousins only share about 12 percent of their DNA on average. Not much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family the cousins who are in private have had real challenges and would clearly benefit from more individual attention and smaller classes, and they are doing great where they are. The cousins in public were doing well there all the way through, enjoyed their schools and activities, and did well academically. So you can’t compare them by school, they are entirely different kids.

Cousins share a lot of genetics (nature) and parents are of similar success. The biggest difference nurture-wise would be the schools they attend and the social circle they steep in (which tends to be peers from school).

Nope. First cousins only share about 12 percent of their DNA on average. Not much.

It's a lot more of you're purebred.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP and not a troll. This is happening to our family. It’s driving our kids apart from their public school cousins at gatherings. When they offer to play pedestrian games like hide and seek and our kids respond with suggestions of math proofs, the blank looks on their faces speak volumes. We can’t even engage in our typical family practices around our extended family, like speaking Latin at the dinner table. We swallowed our pride and spoke the king’s English at my nephews birthday dinner but it felt so low brow. I do hope it gets better.

Math proofs and Latin? Your children clearly lack social intelligence. I am sure someone already commented on above… I have not read the thread. BUT I could not, not reply.

Don't get frostbite 🥶 from the wind-chill from that woosh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ITT: tell me you’re Asian without telling me you’re Asian.

Tell me you're a cryptoracist without telling me you're a cryptoracist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:cryptoracist

How so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family the cousins who are in private have had real challenges and would clearly benefit from more individual attention and smaller classes, and they are doing great where they are. The cousins in public were doing well there all the way through, enjoyed their schools and activities, and did well academically. So you can’t compare them by school, they are entirely different kids.

Cousins share a lot of genetics (nature) and parents are of similar success. The biggest difference nurture-wise would be the schools they attend and the social circle they steep in (which tends to be peers from school).

Nope. First cousins only share about 12 percent of their DNA on average. Not much.

Unless their parents are identical twins. In which case they are half siblings!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

Is the bolded for real? Did no one ever teach you that it is rude to brag?

I’m very surprised that anyone thinks it is okay to brag.

I don’t consider it bragging when my husband is on the phone or having a drink in the basement bar talking to his brothers about all the kids. It’s just adult siblings talking up their kids. They brag, joking around, and some lighthearted sarcasm. Anything goes in a big outgoing family. But as our private school kids get older and more defined, that distance they’re created versus their public school teenage cousins is making me increasingly uncomfortable. Almost like a feeling of guilt or embarrassment. It’s difficult to express in words. I wasn’t sure if I was alone in feeling this way. It’s hard to participate in the same family conversations, at least with the same transparency.

Not sure what you're bragging about but I don't find this to be true. Friends' kids have attended public schools and have had equal or better college results and better vacations along the way. Also seem to have more credit hours from high school.

Report back in 10 years with career update, who they married, and where they live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP and not a troll. This is happening to our family. It’s driving our kids apart from their public school cousins at gatherings. When they offer to play pedestrian games like hide and seek and our kids respond with suggestions of math proofs, the blank looks on their faces speak volumes. We can’t even engage in our typical family practices around our extended family, like speaking Latin at the dinner table. We swallowed our pride and spoke the king’s English at my nephews birthday dinner but it felt so low brow. I do hope it gets better.

My public school kids act in much the way you say your private kids act. Just think you are TA.