Anyone else going through this? Wary about discussing kids' success around public school family members

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are lifers at a top public, their cousins are top students at an excellent public. They have similar grades and scores and will likely end up at similar colleges so I don't make much of the differences but I have had several interactions with family where they say something about us thinking we're better, or that our kids are advantaged. It's disappointing as I try not to play up any differences. We make a point of not mentioning anything that might be distinct about the experience.

What is the difference between "top public" and "excellent public"? Are your kids at TJ and the cousins at Langley HS? And what makes your kids advantaged? Better vacations? Fancier cars?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

And they think your kids are snobby, not refined. They think you’re wasting good money on private school. They think you’re throwing away your kids’ childhoods for the sake of some fancy college. Let it go.

And why does anyone know how many honors classes anyone’s kids are in or what their ACT scores are? This whole situation sounds toxic. When we are with the extended family, we bake things with our nieces and nephews, the kids play video games, we talk about their favorite shows, what position are they playing, what new skill did they learn in dance class. Everything isn’t a competition, and I guarantee your family finds your viewpoint unsettling.

PP. This is exactly what I meant about doing fun things with family and not sitting around chatting about what kids are doing.

Plus, if you feel your children are benefitting from something (short of an entire private school education) and your other relatives could access it, you could share knowledge of what worked for your kid in a non-snobby way during these chats. For example, only some schools have robotics teams but I think Girl Scouts troupes can field teams in the early grades.

[Anonymous]

*troops

[Anonymous]

We have that. I went to a Big 3 and my DH went to public school. My DD went to private school and DS went to public school. Sometimes I don't know why DD and I continue to acknowledge these cretins, it is diminishing our brand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have that. I went to a Big 3 and my DH went to public school. My DD went to private school and DS went to public school. Sometimes I don't know why DD and I continue to acknowledge these cretins, it is diminishing our brand.

Are you able to understand when they mumble in their public school vernacular?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have that. I went to a Big 3 and my DH went to public school. My DD went to private school and DS went to public school. Sometimes I don't know why DD and I continue to acknowledge these cretins, it is diminishing our brand.

Are you able to understand when they mumble in their public school vernacular?

No, but that's probably for the best.

[Anonymous]

SMH...Not one comment about the kids mental health. That's what real families do. We have a range(public, private, magnet program, home schooled, etc.) of kids in the families and we always talk about their emotional needs. Are they happy, sad, adjusting ok, etc. That's more important than grades, SAT, etc. But those conversations are "hard"..........

[Anonymous]

This sounds crazy and no, it doesn’t happen in my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lesson: don’t talk up your kids. Ever.

+1 Your job in family gatherings is to make those with less feel good about themselves. To quote a frequent poster, you sound insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're the public school folks with kids who mumble. We have some distant relatives with highly accomplished private school kids. It's fine when they talk about what their kids are doing (winning awards, taking classes in Europe), since it's a natural topic of conversation. They don't seem to be bragging or putting down our kids.

Are you sure or is it all going over your head?

If they are bragging, it's best for everyone if we don't notice. Similarly, if you notice someone is bragging, just pretend you don't. "Charles is having a hard time deciding whether to do the summer program at Oxford or Cambridge." "Oh, that does sound like a tough decision, but I'm sure both are great. We don't know whether to sign Billy-Bob for the county basketball or soccer rec league."

[Anonymous]

First, no one should get accolades for plans. They haven't achieved it yet. Op, you say they ask you about "plans." Avoid this.

Do not discount that they may be getting some useful info from you. It may not be coming from a position of feeling inferior, in any way. It's actually kind of pompous of you to assume they want to be like you, or your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

Is the bolded for real? Did no one ever teach you that it is rude to brag?

I’m very surprised that anyone thinks it is okay to brag.

I don’t consider it bragging when my husband is on the phone or having a drink in the basement bar talking to his brothers about all the kids. It’s just adult siblings talking up their kids. They brag, joking around, and some lighthearted sarcasm. Anything goes in a big outgoing family. But as our private school kids get older and more defined, that distance they’re created versus their public school teenage cousins is making me increasingly uncomfortable. Almost like a feeling of guilt or embarrassment. It’s difficult to express in words. I wasn’t sure if I was alone in feeling this way. It’s hard to participate in the same family conversations, at least with the same transparency.

OP, I have good news for you: you can officially be absolved of this guilt. The weird fixation you have about this is one-sided; your cousins do not care, and do not spend their time worrying about this like you do. I think since you’re someone who has chosen to spend the money and extra effort on having your kids be in private school, it’s perhaps not super unusual that you’re over-focusing on this; you’re someone who heavily prioritizes the things you mentioned, and you’re looking to mentally justify this choice to yourself - and in doing so to compare and validate, which is an insecurity-based behavior. Rest assured that your cousins have different priorities - and more broad-based and relaxed perspective than you do, and that it will all come out a wash in the end. You’re writing in jealousy and complex dynamics when they’re just not there. Public school parents can brag about their kids too; it’s not that. You should probably take a step back and consider how you want to present yourself; you’ve gotten caught up in the private school high intensity performance achievement obsessed rhetoric, and it can take a minute to recalibrate when you’re outside of that bubble of other parents who are equally fixated.

But yes, PPs are right: by and large this will not matter at all, in even 5 years. College admission differences between privates and publics in the same geographic area are not markedly different; and if anything kids coming from public schools (which are bigger, more diverse, and less controlled or micromanaged environments) are better prepared to handle the adjustment to college. And post college…the kids who are going to be successful are successful. Their high school (or elementary school) experience has virtually nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

…lol.

Re: the first bold: Why on earth are you talking about those things?? This sounds like the most boring family gathering….noooooo one cares, I promise.

Re: the second: that’s just silly. 16 year old’s plans for the future are something to muse about, not a bragging point.

My advice would be for you to focus on doing something to make YOURSELF feel interesting or accomplished, and stop basing your identity on how many AP classes your kid is taking. Spoiler alert: it does not matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It'll be hilarious when they end up in the same colleges

Or the cousins get better jobs. I can see OP having a complete nervous breakdown. Just keep some benzos handy when college acceptances come in OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are lifers at a top public, their cousins are top students at an excellent public. They have similar grades and scores and will likely end up at similar colleges so I don't make much of the differences but I have had several interactions with family where they say something about us thinking we're better, or that our kids are advantaged. It's disappointing as I try not to play up any differences. We make a point of not mentioning anything that might be distinct about the experience.

What is the difference between "top public" and "excellent public"? Are your kids at TJ and the cousins at Langley HS? And what makes your kids advantaged? Better vacations? Fancier cars?

It’s humorous phasing and clearly status obsessed. They want to make it clear they’re not in a “normal” lower caste public school. Of course the “top publics” are basically public in name only. Hyper selective like TJ or ritzy boundaries where you need over a million bucks to buy a house (and few if any multi-family rental options) are essentially private schools.