If you grew up poor…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were poor for the first 10 years of my life, but those years had an affect on me for sure. I'm constantly fighting intrusive thoughts that we're one paycheck away from living under a bridge - could not be further from the truth but I still can't shake the notion. I hoard takeout napkins and condiments. I re-use foil when possible. I turn my ketchup bottles upside down to get the last drop.

I hate that I have such an unhealthy relationship with money.

DH made fun of me for halving our napkins. I found it to be such a waste that we would wipe our mouths once, and throw them out.

I also have a big tupperware full of takeout ketchup packets.

I cut them in 1/2 too and use 1 a day not 1 per meal.

Oh man, you would hate me. I accidentally grabbed two today for lunch and ended up throwing them both away (I used them both on accident so even though I guess the bottom one maybe wasn't dirty, it was all crumpled up). I am actually pretty strict about recycling/reusing most things, too.

Select a size paper towels changed my life.

I even tear those in 1/2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of your stories are familiar! We were really poor, and get bags of clothes from relatives with older kids. The shirts had big pit stains, rips, worn out. Now when I donate clothes, if I wouldn't put it on or have my kid wear it, I use it for rags. I donate the clothes she grows out of, but are still in perfect shape (thankfully she isn't tough on clothing). I feel it's really disrespectful to think that just because someone is poor that they should take your garbage stuff.

My best friend as a kid - she wasn't poor but her dad was a notorious cheapskate. the rule for toilet paper was - 1 square for pee. 2 squares for poo. IDK how he regulated. LOL.

Now I used odds and ends for cooking (utensils) and my husband will say - why don't you use X (like spatula, for instance) and I say I don't have one. He says - well buy one! It doesn't occur to me because I always had to make do.

Another thing was I got my first job in 8th grade (delivering newspapers), then I worked in for the city (there was a poor kid program) at 14. As soon as I started working my mother made me pay "room and board".

My child has everything she needs, and then some. Lots of underwear, socks, bras. Sheets that MATCH with their pillowcases and even the blankets!

I remember we needed to bring a watercolor set to school in 5th grade. I didn't ask my mother, because I knew we didn't have the money. Every day the teacher would ask why I didn't bring it in. I was the only kid in the class without it.

it never leaves you.

Yes, same.

Grateful for all the teachers in my life with enough SEL/EQ to know the answer after the first time questioning, or the second, then to have the object in question, perhaps not new or maybe only a rough semblance, show up in my desk or in the pile with my name on it.

[Anonymous]

I love shampoo because when I got to college I couldn’t afford it and had to use hand soap.

I have trouble buying myself new clothes or letting go of old clothes- but when I do buy new I also don’t cut the tags off, because it feels so good to have something new in the closet to anticipate to wear.

It took me a while to feel comfortable buying name brands like Tide or Charmin. Still bothers me a little but honestly it is good quality.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t grow up poor but my parents were incredibly thrifty with seven children. I learned the lessons of the thrifty! When I am at a meeting and there are a stack of small notepads on the table I will always grab a few and throw in a pen or two. It’s crazy because I have a very high net worth.

[Anonymous]

What a fun read! We have plenty of money but I hate wasting it. My very nice wardrobe is almost all from consignment shops and I consider that kind of shopping to be a sport and I’m all pro. I’m an expert at internet surfing to find deals and then I negotiate on top of that. On the other hand, we are going to Paris this spring and we will spend a fortune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up comfortable, but both parents told countless stories of hardship during the Depression & WWII. I embarrass wife & adult kids by wearing clothes that are falling apart & have food stains on them. My father died 20 yrs ago & I still wear some of his clothes. I’m in mid 60s & it drives me crazy to buy clothes I think I won’t live long enough to completely wear out.

I save up clothes that are on their last legs, & wear them whenever I travel (for a funeral or wedding—I never take an actual “vacation “), I wear them one last time & throw them away, so I’m not lugging around dirty clothes.

I grew up poor, but there is no need to wear stained and "falling apart" clothes. Go to the thrift store and find something decent. If I was your wife, I would be tossing these things in the trash.

My DH wears “falling apart” stuff not because he was poor, but because he finds it comfortable. I would love to throw it all away, but I won’t—because if you respect your partner you don’t “toss” things they choose to keep.

But if you respect your partner, you don’t wear stained and torn clothing, even if poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many of your stories are familiar! We were really poor, and get bags of clothes from relatives with older kids. The shirts had big pit stains, rips, worn out. Now when I donate clothes, if I wouldn't put it on or have my kid wear it, I use it for rags. I donate the clothes she grows out of, but are still in perfect shape (thankfully she isn't tough on clothing). I feel it's really disrespectful to think that just because someone is poor that they should take your garbage stuff.

My best friend as a kid - she wasn't poor but her dad was a notorious cheapskate. the rule for toilet paper was - 1 square for pee. 2 squares for poo. IDK how he regulated. LOL.

Now I used odds and ends for cooking (utensils) and my husband will say - why don't you use X (like spatula, for instance) and I say I don't have one. He says - well buy one! It doesn't occur to me because I always had to make do.

Another thing was I got my first job in 8th grade (delivering newspapers), then I worked in for the city (there was a poor kid program) at 14. As soon as I started working my mother made me pay "room and board".

My child has everything she needs, and then some. Lots of underwear, socks, bras. Sheets that MATCH with their pillowcases and even the blankets!

I remember we needed to bring a watercolor set to school in 5th grade. I didn't ask my mother, because I knew we didn't have the money. Every day the teacher would ask why I didn't bring it in. I was the only kid in the class without it.

it never leaves you.

Yes, same.

Grateful for all the teachers in my life with enough SEL/EQ to know the answer after the first time questioning, or the second, then to have the object in question, perhaps not new or maybe only a rough semblance, show up in my desk or in the pile with my name on it.

Sadly this was a nun and she hade none of those qualities. Glad you had some thoughtful teachers looking out for you.

[Anonymous]

I grew up poor. My parents managed to put braces on my teeth but when they couldn't afford it, my mom had them take them off me, and I was about half way done with the treatment.
When I was in HS I worked at the DQ all summer for two summers and saved enough money to put them back on and finish my treatment.
I'll never forget that and when it came time to having my own children, made sure I could afford all those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many of your stories are familiar! We were really poor, and get bags of clothes from relatives with older kids. The shirts had big pit stains, rips, worn out. Now when I donate clothes, if I wouldn't put it on or have my kid wear it, I use it for rags. I donate the clothes she grows out of, but are still in perfect shape (thankfully she isn't tough on clothing). I feel it's really disrespectful to think that just because someone is poor that they should take your garbage stuff.

My best friend as a kid - she wasn't poor but her dad was a notorious cheapskate. the rule for toilet paper was - 1 square for pee. 2 squares for poo. IDK how he regulated. LOL.

Now I used odds and ends for cooking (utensils) and my husband will say - why don't you use X (like spatula, for instance) and I say I don't have one. He says - well buy one! It doesn't occur to me because I always had to make do.

Another thing was I got my first job in 8th grade (delivering newspapers), then I worked in for the city (there was a poor kid program) at 14. As soon as I started working my mother made me pay "room and board".

My child has everything she needs, and then some. Lots of underwear, socks, bras. Sheets that MATCH with their pillowcases and even the blankets!

I remember we needed to bring a watercolor set to school in 5th grade. I didn't ask my mother, because I knew we didn't have the money. Every day the teacher would ask why I didn't bring it in. I was the only kid in the class without it.

it never leaves you.

Yes, same.

Grateful for all the teachers in my life with enough SEL/EQ to know the answer after the first time questioning, or the second, then to have the object in question, perhaps not new or maybe only a rough semblance, show up in my desk or in the pile with my name on it.

Sadly this was a nun and she hade none of those qualities. Glad you had some thoughtful teachers looking out for you.

It’s always sad to me when someone who should intimately understand such circumstances - or should be motivated by helping the unfortunate - utterly fails to do so.

[Anonymous]

I am so grateful that the kids on free lunch these days don’t have to let other people know. When I was in school it was always made painfully obvious. You had to verbally tell the lunch people your name and they had a physical list. It was horrible.

[Anonymous]

I’m really weird about having one extra of everything and it caused me a lot of problems during/after the worst of the pandemic. We were sometimes broke but my mom was all about appearances so weirdly stingy about stinting on stuff for me so she could have certain furniture visible or certain things to wear to work. Once she had a set schedule in her mind and budget for how often something should be bought, that would be it, forever. I would use the watered down of barely-shampoo for a month. She thought that pads and tampons were too expensive and that I used too many, so she would only buy them every 3-4 months. I’m ashamed that in the days before they were available free in lots of places, I would always check cabinets at friends’ houses to steal 1-2 to put up my sweatshirt sleeve, and would steal toilet paper from public places to make makeshift pads, because my mom also monitored toilet paper use.

As an adult you would think I’d always have extras of all these things, but instead there’s a part of me that can’t seem to buy enough of them or in a timely way. I’m scrambling to get shampoo or tampons at the last minute, maybe because I’ve internalized that having enough is financially irresponsible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really weird about having one extra of everything and it caused me a lot of problems during/after the worst of the pandemic. We were sometimes broke but my mom was all about appearances so weirdly stingy about stinting on stuff for me so she could have certain furniture visible or certain things to wear to work. Once she had a set schedule in her mind and budget for how often something should be bought, that would be it, forever. I would use the watered down of barely-shampoo for a month. She thought that pads and tampons were too expensive and that I used too many, so she would only buy them every 3-4 months. I’m ashamed that in the days before they were available free in lots of places, I would always check cabinets at friends’ houses to steal 1-2 to put up my sweatshirt sleeve, and would steal toilet paper from public places to make makeshift pads, because my mom also monitored toilet paper use.

As an adult you would think I’d always have extras of all these things, but instead there’s a part of me that can’t seem to buy enough of them or in a timely way. I’m scrambling to get shampoo or tampons at the last minute, maybe because I’ve internalized that having enough is financially irresponsible?

I’m so sorry. I kind of want you to go buy a bunch of boxes and just roll around in them and throw them around. I want you to have a closet full of them. And shampoo. That must have been so hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you are not now, what are some things you do that you know are directly related to how you grew up?

We fly direct even if more expensive. I remember a family vacation where we flew to Florida and I swear we changed planes 3 times and landed somewhere else in the state and drove 2 hours because it was cheaper that way.


This is not poor. Poor people never ever fly.

We weren’t even that poor and I didn’t fly until I was 21.

I am wealthy now. Earn close to $1m but a lot of habits are so ingrained. I will buy decent clothes but still will make sure we don’t eat out too often and I hate paying full price for groceries

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t accept free food. Even if it’s at a fancy event, even if everybody else is helping themselves. I always say I’m not hungry because I feel so much shame any time I accept free food.

You have touched on the shame of being poor. That is what people do not understand/ grasp if they did not grow up that way. I remember feeling shame as a kid when our rich relatives mocked us for having too many kids in the family (8).

We never got free food, but we never went on a vacation and went out to eat maybe once a year when our great aunt took us out of pity.

To this day, I reuse baggies and foil and am almost monk- like in depriving myself of worldly pleasures. The only exceptiion to my frugality/ cheapness for myself is travel. My husband and I are multimillionaires now, but my brain still tells me I am poor. We stopped at one kid since I never wanted to be poor again. Kid went to most elite schools money could buy.

I am wealthy but my sister is not. I want to help her kids with education etc. I would be interested to hear how best to approach it. I have offered to pay for private school for her girls (she has said maybe when they get a bit older) and offered to buy better computers. I want to help them but don’t want the kids to see it as charity or as a negative thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up comfortable, but both parents told countless stories of hardship during the Depression & WWII. I embarrass wife & adult kids by wearing clothes that are falling apart & have food stains on them. My father died 20 yrs ago & I still wear some of his clothes. I’m in mid 60s & it drives me crazy to buy clothes I think I won’t live long enough to completely wear out.

I save up clothes that are on their last legs, & wear them whenever I travel (for a funeral or wedding—I never take an actual “vacation “), I wear them one last time & throw them away, so I’m not lugging around dirty clothes.

I grew up poor, but there is no need to wear stained and "falling apart" clothes. Go to the thrift store and find something decent. If I was your wife, I would be tossing these things in the trash.

My DH wears “falling apart” stuff not because he was poor, but because he finds it comfortable. I would love to throw it all away, but I won’t—because if you respect your partner you don’t “toss” things they choose to keep.

But if you respect your partner, you don’t wear stained and torn clothing, even if poor.

NP. What I put on my body has nothing to do with respect for my partner.