Reply to Suddenly seems like not enough HHI despite great relationship

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, my husbands and I were at large firms when we married, making a lot of money, paying off loans, and savings a ton.  Then he got sick and almost died.  He hasn't been able to work in years.  Guess what?  I wouldn't trade our lives for anything.  We have two kids, and he is my soul mate.  Yes, I would love more money, but that is not the most important thing.

Until you realize that the marriage vows "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" actually mean something, you are not mature enough to get married.  Everything can fall apart, and bad things do happen.  Figure out whether this person means enough to you to stick with him if it does.[/quote]

I agree, but it is important to note that you were both at large firms, working hard to make a lot of money, pay off loans, and save a ton; then, a circumstance beyond your control changed things.  You love him, for better or worse.  This is different than dating and marrying men who have less ambition and work ethic than you from the outset.  It's not sustainable to partner with someone who doesn't want what you want, or who isn't willing to work for it. It's a breeding ground for resentment.  OP should date men who can meet her ambition and work ethic.  [/quote]

DP. You and OP both should read the threads here over the years from women moaning about how their DHs seemed so career-driven and had "ambition" when they dated and married, and then the women say the DHs changed. Or the DHs' great, career-track jobs changed, or a new boss came along and is making DH's life hell so the whole family's life is hell. Or DH won't leave his current job which is no longer lucrative enough and pursue the wonderful and more lucrative jobs the DW thinks he should be pursuing, so she's angry and resentful about it.

So easy to write that OP and others like her need to marry with a huge factor being "ambition, work ethic, someone who's willing to work for it." But --putting unavoidable catastrophe, illness, injury etc. aside -- what do you suggest they do when they DO marry these ambitious men and then the men, or the jobs, or the career fields, change? If all that ambition and striving, and the house and ability to SAH, are a vital part of the reason for marrying, the DWs are going to be profoundly dissatisfied. Of course everyone should be responsible with money, want to save for future goals, etc. But making a specific HHI or house or neighborhood etc. a goal when you're dating is asking for disappointment later, in many cases. Lots of threads along those lines here. Not enough love of the person to overcome the sour disappointment if he's not the ambitious striver she thought she saw during courtship.[/quote]

If it matters, I advise OP to make sure he's an ambitious striver and not just playing the part. You could date men who are interested in having their wife stay home, even if that's not your intent, to screen for men looking for a sugar mamma.  We all have friends whose husbands slack and let their wives carry the load; for the most part, they are not the happiest marriages, and I'd want to minimize that risk if I were OP.  [/quote]

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