NYT Article on Open Marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fern is a good writer.

About something with an incredibly high failure rate.

But she writes well.

I think this is true for a lot of people who write for The Atlantic.

They are gifted writers who are really good at defending their own neurotic decisions.

I know someone who has written for the Atlantic, and this is a pretty good summary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look at how the Sister Wives reality show played out to see how true long term polyamory works. The husband and his first three wives claimed they had a happy and equitable partnership. Once the husband found his fourth wife, he fell madly in love with her and said she was his 'person'. He moved in with her exclusively and tried to legally divorce a different wife so wife 4 could be the legal wife. The other 3 wives had to work, while wife 4 didn't. Once he found someone he truly bonded to, the other relationships were neglected to the point that wives 1-3 all eventually left him. He's still with wife 4 and has no plans to seek another woman. When it comes to relationships, I truly believe humans can only emotionally bond with one person at a time.

This is why so many poly people have a "primary". All the poly people I know are married with children and their spouse is their partner. They just see other people. Now, they might care about and respect those other people, but they are lower priorities, quite literally called "secondaries". There will always be a hierarchy. For types like this, I guess polyamory fulfills the need for variety but also gives them the stability of having a life partner.

Hmm…everyone I know who is poly is gay and not married (because three or four people cannot get married). I live in the Midwest though, so maybe it’s regional?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in an open marriage. I've been doing this for twenty years. I don't relate to this. I accept that at some point my kids may find out but I'm trying a lot harder to avoid it. To the extent that it doesn't occur to anyone that I might be doing this because I'm a mother, great. I'm not asking for wider cultural validation, I'm not proselytizing, I just want to be left alone.

Hate to break it to you, but your kids will find out and probably already know unless they’re toddlers. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a question of when and how. I’m the kid, my sister and I always knew and it messed both of us up emotionally.

When I was in grad school thirty years ago, a few of my classmates talked about their parents' open marriages. So it's always been around.
And yeah, they were all pretty miserable about it.

Yes, but publishing your open marriage in the New York Times is what's new. Maybe they can make it a regular feature and just combine it with the wedding announcements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look at how the Sister Wives reality show played out to see how true long term polyamory works. The husband and his first three wives claimed they had a happy and equitable partnership. Once the husband found his fourth wife, he fell madly in love with her and said she was his 'person'. He moved in with her exclusively and tried to legally divorce a different wife so wife 4 could be the legal wife. The other 3 wives had to work, while wife 4 didn't. Once he found someone he truly bonded to, the other relationships were neglected to the point that wives 1-3 all eventually left him. He's still with wife 4 and has no plans to seek another woman. When it comes to relationships, I truly believe humans can only emotionally bond with one person at a time.

This is why so many poly people have a "primary". All the poly people I know are married with children and their spouse is their partner. They just see other people. Now, they might care about and respect those other people, but they are lower priorities, quite literally called "secondaries". There will always be a hierarchy. For types like this, I guess polyamory fulfills the need for variety but also gives them the stability of having a life partner.

Secondaries complain. Or even if they're not actually complaining, they're voicing their feelings.

Just because there's a hierarchy that at one point in time is agreed upon by those involved means it's sustainably smooth sailing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you know basic psychology, its not hard to understand that among polyamorous, polygamous and swingers, some people have more power and others have to go along because they aren't the dominant ones.

If you know non-basic psychology, you understand that some men are super into the idea of their wives sleeping with other men.

I think you are confusing “psychology” with “pornography.”
It’s okay. It’s an easy mistake to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you know basic psychology, its not hard to understand that among polyamorous, polygamous and swingers, some people have more power and others have to go along because they aren't the dominant ones.

If you know non-basic psychology, you understand that some men are super into the idea of their wives sleeping with other men.

I think you are confusing “psychology” with “pornography.”
It’s okay. It’s an easy mistake to make.

Very real, very common: https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/25/health/cuckolding-sex-kerner/

And if your attitude toward common fetishes is this ignorant and dismissive, perhaps your husband is one of the men who has asked me to fulfill this kind of thing for him because he's ashamed to talk to his own partner. It's ok, though - I would never do it. It's not ethical, and also ostensibly monogamous men who are cheating on their spouses are a dime a dozen and just so much drama. Monogamous, lifetime commitments - I mean, who I am to judge, do you want, but the failure rate on that really suggests a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you know basic psychology, its not hard to understand that among polyamorous, polygamous and swingers, some people have more power and others have to go along because they aren't the dominant ones.

If you know non-basic psychology, you understand that some men are super into the idea of their wives sleeping with other men.

I think you are confusing “psychology” with “pornography.”
It’s okay. It’s an easy mistake to make.

Very real, very common: https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/25/health/cuckolding-sex-kerner/

And if your attitude toward common fetishes is this ignorant and dismissive, perhaps your husband is one of the men who has asked me to fulfill this kind of thing for him because he's ashamed to talk to his own partner. It's ok, though - I would never do it. It's not ethical, and also ostensibly monogamous men who are cheating on their spouses are a dime a dozen and just so much drama. Monogamous, lifetime commitments - I mean, who I am to judge, do you want, but the failure rate on that really suggests a problem.

+1. I’ve had invitations from around 20 men to do this. I don’t understand it myself but it’s a thing. And plenty of the wives say they’re into it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you know basic psychology, its not hard to understand that among polyamorous, polygamous and swingers, some people have more power and others have to go along because they aren't the dominant ones.

If you know non-basic psychology, you understand that some men are super into the idea of their wives sleeping with other men.

I think you are confusing “psychology” with “pornography.”
It’s okay. It’s an easy mistake to make.

Very real, very common: https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/25/health/cuckolding-sex-kerner/

And if your attitude toward common fetishes is this ignorant and dismissive, perhaps your husband is one of the men who has asked me to fulfill this kind of thing for him because he's ashamed to talk to his own partner. It's ok, though - I would never do it. It's not ethical, and also ostensibly monogamous men who are cheating on their spouses are a dime a dozen and just so much drama. Monogamous, lifetime commitments - I mean, who I am to judge, do you want, but the failure rate on that really suggests a problem.

I’m not being dismissive.
The article you linked to acknowledges that there is often a power imbalance and that men try to push or trick their wives into non-monogamy.

I don’t know if men are coming to you and asking you to rape their partners as some kind of cockhold fetish? Anyway, I’m glad you aren’t doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you know basic psychology, its not hard to understand that among polyamorous, polygamous and swingers, some people have more power and others have to go along because they aren't the dominant ones.

If you know non-basic psychology, you understand that some men are super into the idea of their wives sleeping with other men.

I think you are confusing “psychology” with “pornography.”
It’s okay. It’s an easy mistake to make.

Very real, very common: https://www.cnn.com/2018/01/25/health/cuckolding-sex-kerner/

And if your attitude toward common fetishes is this ignorant and dismissive, perhaps your husband is one of the men who has asked me to fulfill this kind of thing for him because he's ashamed to talk to his own partner. It's ok, though - I would never do it. It's not ethical, and also ostensibly monogamous men who are cheating on their spouses are a dime a dozen and just so much drama. Monogamous, lifetime commitments - I mean, who I am to judge, do you want, but the failure rate on that really suggests a problem.

+1. I’ve had invitations from around 20 men to do this. I don’t understand it myself but it’s a thing. And plenty of the wives say they’re into it too.

How could someone ask you to fulfill this kind of thing (cuckhold fantasy) because he is too ashamed to talk to his partner? Wouldn’t she have to know about it too, and they would have had to talk about it together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in an open marriage. I've been doing this for twenty years. I don't relate to this. I accept that at some point my kids may find out but I'm trying a lot harder to avoid it. To the extent that it doesn't occur to anyone that I might be doing this because I'm a mother, great. I'm not asking for wider cultural validation, I'm not proselytizing, I just want to be left alone.

Hate to break it to you, but your kids will find out and probably already know unless they’re toddlers. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a question of when and how. I’m the kid, my sister and I always knew and it messed both of us up emotionally.

When I was in grad school thirty years ago, a few of my classmates talked about their parents' open marriages. So it's always been around.
And yeah, they were all pretty miserable about it.

Yes, but publishing your open marriage in the New York Times is what's new. Maybe they can make it a regular feature and just combine it with the wedding announcements.

part of the gross attention-seeking culture that is now ours

[Anonymous]

Why get married if you don’t want to be monogamous ? What is the point ? Can we please not “normalize” this poly bullshit.

[Anonymous]

I just unsubscribe NY Times-they ruin any healthy couple who is convinced by their irresponsible act on behalf of being “progressive”


Just stay single if you are that much honey,
If your open marriage is very good, why are you hesitating to tell your sons, Molly?

By the way, I notice from the 2017 article by NY Times that all open marriage folks are quite not good looking people. Wonder if there is any causality for that? Like finish business?

[Anonymous]

People have such strong feelings about this!

I honestly feel closer to this like I feel about people being gay or bisexual. Like I don’t think it’s for me, but I can certainly imagine it, and it definitely doesn’t upset me? Not that I’m saying it’s the same as being gay or bisexual at all in essence or mechanics, just that I don’t get why it’s upsetting people.

If you don’t want to do it just don’t do it. If people want to do it and it works for them, hooray! I have absolutely no problem or comment if friends or family decide to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why get married if you don’t want to be monogamous ? What is the point ? Can we please not “normalize” this poly bullshit.

Not all marriages have to look the same. Some have kids, some don’t. Some have SAH spouses, some don’t. Some are monogamous, some aren’t.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, but one of the major tenets of marriage is "forsaking all others."