NYT Article on Open Marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Or you're doing the marital equivalent of snorting fentanyl for the thrills.

This^. You are free to do it but don't try to defend or preach how beneficial it is. You may like it now, may feel different in 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Or you're doing the marital equivalent of snorting fentanyl for the thrills.

This^. You are free to do it but don't try to defend or preach how beneficial it is. You may like it now, may feel different in 5 years.

NP. Many people feel different about their monogamous marriage after 5 years! Just look at all the threads started by miserable spouses on the relationship forum here.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a nightmare. I’d love to have sex with any hot man I want to but the realities of managing all the logistics and the sheer effort it would take to upkeep the physical safety and emotional well-being of everyone involved sounds like a stressful full time job. Also in a marriage with kids it’s inviting instability and drama. No thank you.

[Anonymous]

There was this great one season reality show on showtime about polyamory that showed multiple long-term polyamorous marriages.

Every relationship had a hidden dynamic of 2 people prioritizing themselves over the third or fourth person. Typically the third had a history of trauma or would be much younger than the others in the group. There was always a subtle competition between the longer term members and newer additions to the polycule.

There would always be one partner being left out of something at any given time, and they would be visibly distressed. The 'processing' conversations they would have afterwards with the other partners were the relationship equivalent of being called into a meeting with HR. A lot of gaslighting, crying, and minimizing issues veiled in therapyspeak. The underlying problem would never be truly addressed or solved.

When the throuples would finish crying, they'd go back to talking about how enlightened and liberating their relationships were. It seemed like a really exhausting way to live.

[Anonymous]

Look at how the Sister Wives reality show played out to see how true long term polyamory works. The husband and his first three wives claimed they had a happy and equitable partnership. Once the husband found his fourth wife, he fell madly in love with her and said she was his 'person'. He moved in with her exclusively and tried to legally divorce a different wife so wife 4 could be the legal wife. The other 3 wives had to work, while wife 4 didn't. Once he found someone he truly bonded to, the other relationships were neglected to the point that wives 1-3 all eventually left him. He's still with wife 4 and has no plans to seek another woman. When it comes to relationships, I truly believe humans can only emotionally bond with one person at a time.

[Anonymous]

When you watch trashy reality shows with people who are monogamous, do you assume these are accurate representations of typical monogamous people? "Look at Real Housewives to see how true long term marriage works!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was this great one season reality show on showtime about polyamory that showed multiple long-term polyamorous marriages.

Every relationship had a hidden dynamic of 2 people prioritizing themselves over the third or fourth person. Typically the third had a history of trauma or would be much younger than the others in the group. There was always a subtle competition between the longer term members and newer additions to the polycule.

There would always be one partner being left out of something at any given time, and they would be visibly distressed. The 'processing' conversations they would have afterwards with the other partners were the relationship equivalent of being called into a meeting with HR. A lot of gaslighting, crying, and minimizing issues veiled in therapyspeak. The underlying problem would never be truly addressed or solved.

When the throuples would finish crying, they'd go back to talking about how enlightened and liberating their relationships were. It seemed like a really exhausting way to live.

This is also what I took from the article. Everyone is “happy” but constantly working and battling and overcoming. For what? You need an on call therapist just to get through the day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's an 8th grade english teacher? I wonder what her students and their parents thought when this story dropped.

I was wondering this too. Is she a good teacher? I doubt it only because it doesn’t seem like she has much time to focus on teaching - too much else going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in an open marriage. I've been doing this for twenty years. I don't relate to this. I accept that at some point my kids may find out but I'm trying a lot harder to avoid it. To the extent that it doesn't occur to anyone that I might be doing this because I'm a mother, great. I'm not asking for wider cultural validation, I'm not proselytizing, I just want to be left alone.

Hate to break it to you, but your kids will find out and probably already know unless they’re toddlers. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a question of when and how. I’m the kid, my sister and I always knew and it messed both of us up emotionally.

When I was in grad school thirty years ago, a few of my classmates talked about their parents' open marriages. So it's always been around.
And yeah, they were all pretty miserable about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look at how the Sister Wives reality show played out to see how true long term polyamory works. The husband and his first three wives claimed they had a happy and equitable partnership. Once the husband found his fourth wife, he fell madly in love with her and said she was his 'person'. He moved in with her exclusively and tried to legally divorce a different wife so wife 4 could be the legal wife. The other 3 wives had to work, while wife 4 didn't. Once he found someone he truly bonded to, the other relationships were neglected to the point that wives 1-3 all eventually left him. He's still with wife 4 and has no plans to seek another woman. When it comes to relationships, I truly believe humans can only emotionally bond with one person at a time.

This is why so many poly people have a "primary". All the poly people I know are married with children and their spouse is their partner. They just see other people. Now, they might care about and respect those other people, but they are lower priorities, quite literally called "secondaries". There will always be a hierarchy. For types like this, I guess polyamory fulfills the need for variety but also gives them the stability of having a life partner.

[Anonymous]

Post divorce, I've tried variations on ENM a few times. I've been very honest. Some of the women have not been. In all cases, everyone seemed to care a lot about the multiple partners. The affection was genuine. The respect was genuine. The attraction was genuine.

Unfortunately, it's a very unstable situation in my experience. Jealous feelings emerge. Someone ends up getting priority. Someone else ends up getting neglected. I was the neglectful one in one situation. I was the neglected one in another. I broke up with the one who neglected me, and she was genuinely devastated when I broke up with her, but she never considered breaking up with the other guys (one of whom was long distance and didn't know that there were other guys in the picture).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Post divorce, I've tried variations on ENM a few times. I've been very honest. Some of the women have not been. In all cases, everyone seemed to care a lot about the multiple partners. The affection was genuine. The respect was genuine. The attraction was genuine.

Unfortunately, it's a very unstable situation in my experience. Jealous feelings emerge. Someone ends up getting priority. Someone else ends up getting neglected. I was the neglectful one in one situation. I was the neglected one in another. I broke up with the one who neglected me, and she was genuinely devastated when I broke up with her, but she never considered breaking up with the other guys (one of whom was long distance and didn't know that there were other guys in the picture).

None of this sounds all that ethical. It’s a mess!

In this article winter manages to make something fun and hot (sex) into an emotionally draining chore that requires secrecy, deceit, and emotional turmoil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in an open marriage. I've been doing this for twenty years. I don't relate to this. I accept that at some point my kids may find out but I'm trying a lot harder to avoid it. To the extent that it doesn't occur to anyone that I might be doing this because I'm a mother, great. I'm not asking for wider cultural validation, I'm not proselytizing, I just want to be left alone.

Hate to break it to you, but your kids will find out and probably already know unless they’re toddlers. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a question of when and how. I’m the kid, my sister and I always knew and it messed both of us up emotionally.

When I was in grad school thirty years ago, a few of my classmates talked about their parents' open marriages. So it's always been around.
And yeah, they were all pretty miserable about it.

I know a couple that got into this stuff and it didn’t pan out well. The guy got divorced and remarried someone who was all about swinging/polyamory and being the hot thing in the room. His kid, though, did not like the situation and turned on them. He did not take on the lifestyle himself— my sense is he was rebooted by his parent’s behavior. I’m guessing having all of these people walking in and out of his life was too much. In fact, based on the story, his own marriage lasted a lot longer than dad’s. I do believe you can truly love more than one person, but maybe in sone cases, there’s quite a bit of narcissism at the core of it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in an open marriage. I've been doing this for twenty years. I don't relate to this. I accept that at some point my kids may find out but I'm trying a lot harder to avoid it. To the extent that it doesn't occur to anyone that I might be doing this because I'm a mother, great. I'm not asking for wider cultural validation, I'm not proselytizing, I just want to be left alone.

Hate to break it to you, but your kids will find out and probably already know unless they’re toddlers. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a question of when and how. I’m the kid, my sister and I always knew and it messed both of us up emotionally.

When I was in grad school thirty years ago, a few of my classmates talked about their parents' open marriages. So it's always been around.
And yeah, they were all pretty miserable about it.

I know a couple that got into this stuff and it didn’t pan out well. The guy got divorced and remarried someone who was all about swinging/polyamory and being the hot thing in the room. His kid, though, did not like the situation and turned on them. He did not take on the lifestyle himself— my sense is he was rebooted by his parent’s behavior. I’m guessing having all of these people walking in and out of his life was too much. In fact, based on the story, his own marriage lasted a lot longer than dad’s. I do believe you can truly love more than one person, but maybe in sone cases, there’s quite a bit of narcissism at the core of it all.

*revolted by the behavior

[Anonymous]

It sounds exhausting and high drama, with a huge dose cognitive dissonance. She doesn’t seem happy at all. So definitely not a ringing endorsement.