Moving as soon as kids in college?

[Anonymous]

Parents of DC’s college BFF moved halfway through first year. They lived in NYC and needed to slash their burn rate. They now live about 2 hours outside the city on a train line. It’s accessible but not spontaneous. Their DD always needs to line up a place to stay if she wants to go out at night in the city.

She understands that they needed to do this due to her dad being forced into retirement earlier than planned. But she is still wistful and pines for being able to see friends on the spur of the moment when home on break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents have no obligation to remain in a place they don’t want to live in after their kids leave the nest. Go where you want, OP! Your adult children will be just fine. Time to start living the life you want.

But in my experience , they are not really out of the nest until they get a job (and are supporting themselves). Until then, that home is the only home they have.

+1

Still your choice to move (at any time)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single mom here. I’d love to get out of this house, but my sister made a point - that she didn’t actually mean to make - that what if freshman DD is homesick and there’s no home anymore? Home that she knows. I’m staying a bit longer.

You are a good mom!

If she were such a good mom she wouldn’t have such a selfish and infantile kid.

We know nothing about the kid. Only that she MAY be homesick.

A kid who fought to overcome lifelong learning challenges.

A kid who beat the odds to even make it to college at all.

The hardest-working kid I know.

The polar opposite of prior PP’s ignorant and offensive characterization.

Well, you buried the lead so that poster’s response should have been expected.

The point is, a kid doesn’t have to be all of the above to be homesick. And being homesick does not make a kid - any kid - selfish and infantile.

That PP is just a jerk - apparently for the sport of it.

No, being homesick doesn’t make the kid infantile. It’s treating the kid as an infant that does. Which is what one does when they base their decision on what to do with their own life on whether their adult child might be homesick. You’re infantilizing your kid. Because I guarantee you that when the time comes for them to take their first job, they won’t make a decision on where to live that has anything to do with you. They will make the decision on the basis of what’s best for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents of DC’s college BFF moved halfway through first year. They lived in NYC and needed to slash their burn rate. They now live about 2 hours outside the city on a train line. It’s accessible but not spontaneous. Their DD always needs to line up a place to stay if she wants to go out at night in the city.

She understands that they needed to do this due to her dad being forced into retirement earlier than planned. But she is still wistful and pines for being able to see friends on the spur of the moment when home on break.

And?

She’ll live. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved from our kids’ childhood home in a close in suburb to downtown DC when our youngest was in their second year at an in state college. Our kids had grown up in the house, it was a center of teenaged activity, and they loved it and had many happy memories and friends.

They got over it, and quickly.

Your kids will too.

It’s time for you to live your own life now.

What in state college? Did you have to start paying out of state tuition?

Wouldnt the kids status matter more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have one DC who's a sophomore at UMCP, and our second child (and only other child) will likely also be attending an in-state school.

Dh and I have been eager to move for years, because neither of us like our house (tear down in MoCo) and we want to move to a lower cost area. We want to stay in Maryland but will probably look an hour or two from our current location.

Problem is that both kids are very attached to their friends in the immediate neighborhood and area. We've lived here since they were born and they have a tight group of very close friends. Older DC comes home regularly and hangs out with friends (holidays, over the summer).

DH and I would love to move as soon as younger son goes to college. We think that after sophomore year of college this really changes as kids start to do internships and spend less time at home but we're not sure. We also think kids could adapt and drive from new house to visit their friends, though it to our drive could make this hard.

What do others think – stay here for four more years in a house that we don't like at all (and will likely need to spend expensive repairs on), or move once younger son is a freshman and figure that they will adapt and that it won't be a big deal?

Based on your own experience as a young adult in college, and from what you've seen with other kids, how often do kids generally spend time with friends during college? How destabilizing would it be for them?

To OP: I have only read the initial post in this thread.

I have a question for OP: Do you plan to leave a forwarding address for your kids ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved right after I graduated. I did not appreciate t but I had my grandparents' and friends' houses to stay at when I wanted to visit so that was fine. My parents understood too. They were also busy with my 2 sisters still in hs.

Now I love where they moved and I am glad they do not still live in my hometown. It has really broadened my horizon's and my own family's. I plan to do the same when my youngest graduates but I am moving to a location and a house where it is easy and fun to visit.

We moved when our youngest started college. From the burbs to the city (15 miles away), then sold the "family home" a few months later. Kid had been there for MS/HS. It bothered them a bit, but they had always known it was our plan to move to city when they graduated (owned the condo for 6 years before that). In reality, they would be at their friends houses when they are home75% of the time anyhow, not in the "family home". It's a 25 min drive to the friends house and we always make sure they have a car available if they want to go. Not a big deal. Live your life and enjoy. It's healthy for kids to see their parents making decisions for just themselves as a couple, not doing things for kids who are home for 2 weeks at xmas, 1 week SB and 10 weeks in the summer, and ultimately not for all of those breaks as they get internships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My plan in this situation is to talk to my kid about it first.

And if your kid doesn’t like the idea, which I guarantee you they won’t, what will you do? Not move? That would be silly.

not silly if you give a rats ass about your kid.

Why? Your kid is away at college. They come home for 2-3 weeks at xmas, 1 week Spring break and 10 weeks in the summer. After year 2 they might not even be home in summer if they have internship/research job at school or anywhere but home. Why would you make adult decisions based on other adults who are barely at home and ultimately will not be home?

We downsized to a condo. It's tight when college kid is home, but they have their own room at that time. If they come back to live after college we will help them pay for a rental nearby (city is very expensive for a fresh college grad). But there's a 90%+ chance they will work elsewhere

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how much so many of you baby your kids and how selfish your kids are. You need to loosen the apron strings and they need to stop thinking only about themselves. Once they go to college, they are adults. They should not expect you to put your life on the shelf while they are gone. Stop being martyrs and live your lives.

NP here.

What you said is definitely true.

But at the same time I want to keep seeing my children as often as possible. So if I keep my current house, that would be out of my own self interest.

my kids all went to college OOS. Two have landed jobs 2K+ from home. The other is likely to be 3K+ from "home" after college. We have a condo and a "new house" with space for everyone when they come for holidays/breaks. If needed we will rent a nearby house as the family grows in future for those breaks. But I'm not willing to keep a huge 5bedroom house for 1-2 weeks/year. Our kids still come to visit and we always find space for everyone. They love the new locations and are just happy to be together, since everyone lives in different places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My plan in this situation is to talk to my kid about it first.

And if your kid doesn’t like the idea, which I guarantee you they won’t, what will you do? Not move? That would be silly.

not silly if you give a rats ass about your kid.

Why? Your kid is away at college. They come home for 2-3 weeks at xmas, 1 week Spring break and 10 weeks in the summer. After year 2 they might not even be home in summer if they have internship/research job at school or anywhere but home. Why would you make adult decisions based on other adults who are barely at home and ultimately will not be home?

We downsized to a condo. It's tight when college kid is home, but they have their own room at that time. If they come back to live after college we will help them pay for a rental nearby (city is very expensive for a fresh college grad). But there's a 90%+ chance they will work elsewhere

My sons are home a full month at Christmas (about five weeks), they doesn't come home for spring break or fall break. They are home four months during the Summer. College semesters are only 16 weeks. 1/3 of their time is still spent at home. This is two different schools in two different states.

We are staying put until they move out permanently, especially considering current interest rates and this area is prime for internships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As so many have said - you are adults and can move whenever you want. But, do you want your children to come home and visit you? Especially as they grow older? My parents moved while I was in my 30s so far past spending lots of time at home. I wasn't upset about it. However, it has impacted my desire to visit as I feel like I am just going to a very nice house not home. And while in the same city, it is a different part and again doesn't have the same childhood memories.

Our kids are currently in college and one left in high school. We plan to hold onto our house until there is a clear reason not to - like they all settle in Australia!

This is a very odd take to me. You literally seem to be affixing a ton of sentimentality to a specific house since your parents didn’t even move cities.

Honestly, that is crazy and if my kid has that attitude (which they don’t), then something is really off.

+1

We "downsized" to a 2 bed/2bath condo in the city, 20 miles from the "family home". Kid loves the city, can drive to see friends 20 miles away and in reality, goes there and would just stay at their house---it's a 2nd home for them (2 besties live next door to each other and it was a 15 min drive from our "family house" so kid often spent nights there in MS/HS). It's a win/win. Our kid was nostalgic a bit freshman year as they adjusted to college (had a rough start first month), but after that were just fine.
We spent 20+ years putting our lives/wishes on hold for many things in order to do what's best for the kids (and loved every minute of it), but I'm not waiting for my kids to be 30 before I start doing what we as a couple want for the next 30 years. If kids wants to return to our area after college (1 already has not), we will help them with rent to be in a condo/apt nearby us if they want. It's a win win for everyone---because they will be happier with their own place as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My plan in this situation is to talk to my kid about it first.

And if your kid doesn’t like the idea, which I guarantee you they won’t, what will you do? Not move? That would be silly.

not silly if you give a rats ass about your kid.

Why? Your kid is away at college. They come home for 2-3 weeks at xmas, 1 week Spring break and 10 weeks in the summer. After year 2 they might not even be home in summer if they have internship/research job at school or anywhere but home. Why would you make adult decisions based on other adults who are barely at home and ultimately will not be home?

We downsized to a condo. It's tight when college kid is home, but they have their own room at that time. If they come back to live after college we will help them pay for a rental nearby (city is very expensive for a fresh college grad). But there's a 90%+ chance they will work elsewhere

My sons are home a full month at Christmas (about five weeks), they doesn't come home for spring break or fall break. They are home four months during the Summer. College semesters are only 16 weeks. 1/3 of their time is still spent at home. This is two different schools in two different states.

We are staying put until they move out permanently, especially considering current interest rates and this area is prime for internships.

when we did the above, 2 kids were already out of college and on their own 2K+ from home. So we waited until 3rd went to college. There was no reason to stay in a 5K+ sq ft family home with only the 2 of us--in a suburb that people live in for the schools. Only lived there for 7 years and it's close enough we still stay in touch with our friends, but fact is many of them have done the same---moved into the city or elsewhere after empty nesting. We have space for the 3rd kid when they are home. Their xmas is only 3 weeks at most and summer is 13 weeks. We also purchased a new "family home" 45 mins away in a place we (the parents) want as a 2nd retirement home (outside of city in a calmer/more relaxing area, yet close to the city). We found the perfect home, so couldn't keep a 3rd home that we really had no desire to be living in, except when our kid was home---our kid would still spend half their time "at home" at their friends home. We aren't getting any younger, it's time for us to live where we want, and plan for the next 25+ years. Our kids always have a place with us, and we will rent space if they land in our area for an extended period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My plan in this situation is to talk to my kid about it first.

And if your kid doesn’t like the idea, which I guarantee you they won’t, what will you do? Not move? That would be silly.

not silly if you give a rats ass about your kid.

Why? Your kid is away at college. They come home for 2-3 weeks at xmas, 1 week Spring break and 10 weeks in the summer. After year 2 they might not even be home in summer if they have internship/research job at school or anywhere but home. Why would you make adult decisions based on other adults who are barely at home and ultimately will not be home?

We downsized to a condo. It's tight when college kid is home, but they have their own room at that time. If they come back to live after college we will help them pay for a rental nearby (city is very expensive for a fresh college grad). But there's a 90%+ chance they will work elsewhere

My sons are home a full month at Christmas (about five weeks), they doesn't come home for spring break or fall break. They are home four months during the Summer. College semesters are only 16 weeks. 1/3 of their time is still spent at home. This is two different schools in two different states.

We are staying put until they move out permanently, especially considering current interest rates and this area is prime for internships.

when we did the above, 2 kids were already out of college and on their own 2K+ from home. So we waited until 3rd went to college. There was no reason to stay in a 5K+ sq ft family home with only the 2 of us--in a suburb that people live in for the schools. Only lived there for 7 years and it's close enough we still stay in touch with our friends, but fact is many of them have done the same---moved into the city or elsewhere after empty nesting. We have space for the 3rd kid when they are home. Their xmas is only 3 weeks at most and summer is 13 weeks. We also purchased a new "family home" 45 mins away in a place we (the parents) want as a 2nd retirement home (outside of city in a calmer/more relaxing area, yet close to the city). We found the perfect home, so couldn't keep a 3rd home that we really had no desire to be living in, except when our kid was home---our kid would still spend half their time "at home" at their friends home. We aren't getting any younger, it's time for us to live where we want, and plan for the next 25+ years. Our kids always have a place with us, and we will rent space if they land in our area for an extended period.

Many of us never moved into such huge homes to begin with.

We will move once we retire, which is still a long ways out.

[Anonymous]

My oldest is 22, and our house is more affordable than renting. If we move when the youngest is is 22, then our oldest may want to take over payments here. We are keeping the house, even if we move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is 22, and our house is more affordable than renting. If we move when the youngest is is 22, then our oldest may want to take over payments here. We are keeping the house, even if we move.

Thanks for your irrelevant response.