Moving as soon as kids in college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how much so many of you baby your kids and how selfish your kids are. You need to loosen the apron strings and they need to stop thinking only about themselves. Once they go to college, they are adults. They should not expect you to put your life on the shelf while they are gone. Stop being martyrs and live your lives.

NP here.

What you said is definitely true.

But at the same time I want to keep seeing my children as often as possible. So if I keep my current house, that would be out of my own self interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single mom here. I’d love to get out of this house, but my sister made a point - that she didn’t actually mean to make - that what if freshman DD is homesick and there’s no home anymore? Home that she knows. I’m staying a bit longer.

That is exactly my view. College is a time of huge transitions, many of which are very challenging. I would not want to add another to my kids' challenges.

We did move, shortly after our younger DC graduated from college. in a perfect world I would have waited a few years because the time right after college is also challenging, but for a series of personal reasons and given the real estate market, we felt the need to move at that time. It has gone very well in general and specifically for our young adult kids.

[Anonymous]

Obviously this is your call to make, not your children's, but since you asked for input...

I've noticed that returning home (real home) from college can be very grounding and comforting to adult children. The stability of being able to return the place that is home to them---not simply the structure, but the surroundings, the roads, the places they like to frequent, and of course, their high school friends. There's a comfort to it which shouldn't be underestimated. A sense of place that provides a sense of comfort coming from the adjustment and chaos of living in a dorm or college apartment.

Removing that sense of place can be hard on some kids. Some more than others. Knowing your kids, you would be the best judge of how much that might impact them.

Ideally, if you can, I'd wait a few years to provide that sense of stability and grounding during a time of transition. Eventually it becomes less important, even if still meaningful. I think it's an easier change for them to adapt to after they establish their adult lives post-college and make a more permanent move to a place of their own. Or even after 2 years of college.

That decision is a luxury of course, and if you have to move, you have to move. But if it's a choice with flexibility, I'd wait a few years.

[Anonymous]

They actually come home frequently and for extended periods during college. Often they try to get an internship (or any paid job) near home, since they can live there for free.

I think it will inconvenience your children and limit their options if you move to a more isolated area. You are not quite done raising them yet.

And when they are job seeking (or applying to grad school) after graduation , there is a good chance to at one or both of them will move back in for months (or a year!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents have no obligation to remain in a place they don’t want to live in after their kids leave the nest. Go where you want, OP! Your adult children will be just fine. Time to start living the life you want.

But in my experience , they are not really out of the nest until they get a job (and are supporting themselves). Until then, that home is the only home they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single mom here. I’d love to get out of this house, but my sister made a point - that she didn’t actually mean to make - that what if freshman DD is homesick and there’s no home anymore? Home that she knows. I’m staying a bit longer.

You are a good mom!

If she were such a good mom she wouldn’t have such a selfish and infantile kid.

We know nothing about the kid. Only that she MAY be homesick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My niece is in her 4th year of college and doesn’t want to come home. She said nothing has changed. She doesn’t want to go back home to the same house, same furniture, same old HS friends she no longer hangs out with, and stay in the same place she left 4 years ago. She outgrew it. Something for parents to consider….not all kids will feel that way but it was a true thought worth noting.

This situation would be a clear signal for me that it’s ok to move
-not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They actually come home frequently and for extended periods during college. Often they try to get an internship (or any paid job) near home, since they can live there for free.

I think it will inconvenience your children and limit their options if you move to a more isolated area. You are not quite done raising them yet.

And when they are job seeking (or applying to grad school) after graduation , there is a good chance to at one or both of them will move back in for months (or a year!).

My parent moved when I was a freshman. I came home the first summer knowing no one and was miserable. That was the last time I came home for longer than a weekend. Something you might want to consider if you like having your kids home

[Anonymous]

Different question for those that may have actually moved in your 50s/60s.. I get the "beach nearyby, sunny weather" part of the attraction with moving but how easy was it for you to make friends/build relationships in your new place once you moved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different question for those that may have actually moved in your 50s/60s.. I get the "beach nearyby, sunny weather" part of the attraction with moving but how easy was it for you to make friends/build relationships in your new place once you moved?

The number of people without real friends is much higher than you seem to think.

[Anonymous]

Good thread and interesting to read the replies. We have thought about this as well now that our youngest is a junior in high school. I think we will move at some point, but seeing how my college freshman DS was at home this week with friends reinforced my view that we will stay put at least until our youngest graduates from college. Obviously, if there are financial reasons you need to move that makes sense, but I do thing giving the kids a sense of stability and being in a place they will want to come back to and visit is key if you can swing it. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My niece is in her 4th year of college and doesn’t want to come home. She said nothing has changed. She doesn’t want to go back home to the same house, same furniture, same old HS friends she no longer hangs out with, and stay in the same place she left 4 years ago. She outgrew it. Something for parents to consider….not all kids will feel that way but it was a true thought worth noting.

Sometimes I think about the future and wonder where my kid will eventually settle down after college, career settled, finds partner, etc. I don’t think my spouse will leave our town, but I’d love to get a small apt/condo wherever my kid is living (if it’s pretty much permanent) and is not close by . Not too sure how my kid will feel about it though lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how much so many of you baby your kids and how selfish your kids are. You need to loosen the apron strings and they need to stop thinking only about themselves. Once they go to college, they are adults. They should not expect you to put your life on the shelf while they are gone. Stop being martyrs and live your lives.

I completely agree. We’ve already been prepping our kids that we’ll probably move once they are settled in college, and definitely after they graduate college.

But we also talk about our future plans with our kids in them. Tons of visits, holidays and travel together, make room in your apartment for mom! Lol

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP who moved from the suburbs to downtown DC after my youngest’s first year at UVA. I continue to think many of you are both coddling your kids too much and at the same time underestimating them. You’re not getting any younger and there’s no reason to put off your own lives until your kids are in their mid 20s for Pete’s sake. I can guarantee you that your kids will not be doing that for you.

The one piece of advice that I’ve seen on this thread that I do agree with was that you might want to consider whether your new place will be somewhere where your kids will actually want to visit. Our youngest quickly got over our move once she discovered that visiting us in the heart of DC was more fun than coming home to a cul de sac in the suburbs where there were lots of memories but nothing going on today. Your relationship with your kids changes once they leave for college. There is a season for everything. Embrace change. Don’t cling so desperately to the past. And don’t project your own nostalgia on to your kids. Really, they adjust. We all do.

[Anonymous]

As so many have said - you are adults and can move whenever you want. But, do you want your children to come home and visit you? Especially as they grow older? My parents moved while I was in my 30s so far past spending lots of time at home. I wasn't upset about it. However, it has impacted my desire to visit as I feel like I am just going to a very nice house not home. And while in the same city, it is a different part and again doesn't have the same childhood memories.

Our kids are currently in college and one left in high school. We plan to hold onto our house until there is a clear reason not to - like they all settle in Australia!