Reply to Main breadwinner for family but need to quit because of SN child

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, people are being pretty tough on you, especially considering that this is the Special Needs forum. I totally get what you're saying about your DH. My DS is autistic and when he was diagnosed we realized that DH has it to. That's not at all uncommon.

DH was completely incapable of doing things such as you describe. I never could have counted on him to take the lead on any of DS's needs. He would do basic things around the house such as garbage and gradually started taking on cooking and groceries when I was working full time (luckily for myself, at home) and also homeschooling DS and taking him to therapies 3 mornings a week. He still did a completely mediocre job at that.

He has a job that he feels comfortable with and has made a hobby into a side income, but he still makes far less than is typical for the area and especially for someone with his degrees. I handled 90% of household and kids and also worked.

The trick for me was working for myself so my job was super flexible. When I tried to work in my field for someone else, it was too much.

I'm putting all of this in the past tense because both kids are in college now. I left DH when I just couldn't take it anymore (he left us a few times because the kids were just too noisy, difficult, in his way of concentrating on his obsessions) and finally I pretty much called his bluff. He's a MUCH better father and co-parent now that the kids need so much less (DD had developmental delays and needed a lot of therapy, now she has anxiety and ADHD and is in talk therapy and on meds).  I do most of the emotional stuff, probably all actually but I don't know about every conversation. He handles coordinating with them for their meds refills and will actually help with transporting them. He has them now at his parents' for Thanksgiving and didn't feel the need to consult with me at all about the trip. I assume they have clothes and their meds and such, but that's mostly because they're, you know, grown adults who live independently the rest of the time. I would certainly remind them each about their meds as those have been almost forgotten in the past. Hopefully he checked on that.

Anyway, to your main point, I feel you. Don't quit your job though. Outsource everything else to someone who is functional. Treat your DH as you would anyone with a disability (not saying he has one, just saying this is a good approach) -- figure out what he CAN do without screwing it up or driving you crazy and have him take the lead on that. Outsource everything else that can be outsourced and then just do the remaining. I know that's still too much, but hang in there. It will get better. I know someone who had a neighbor who needed extra $ come by once a day and just spend an hour emptying the dishwasher, starting a load of laundry, doing the dishes from the night before, and taking the laundry out of the dryer and putting it away. It made a world of difference for my friend at a minimal cost.

And I had to laugh when someone suggested you write down your concerns and have DH share them with the doctor at the meeting. My DH never would have remembered to do that no matter how much work I put into writing down everything! However, I would think you could email the doctor/therapist in advance and handle the communication that way.

I do think that DH might be defensive because either he sees himself in your son and doesn't want a diagnosis or disability himself or else he doesn't want to see that he has a kid who has needs.

Good for you for doing therapy WITH DH. I asked for that several times and my DH refused. It definitely would have helped so keep going with that, even if it's just once a month and virtual or something. Just keeping a line of communication open about your own relationship will help.

Best of luck to you. I agree with the others not to quit your job, for your own sake if no one else's, but feel free to outsource absolutely everything you can. I mean everything![/quote]

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