AITA - shared house thanksgiving edition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you op.

Not the same situation but we had a house sharing where we paid 1/5 or whatever. Well the college dd of one family - there was a 6th room for her. The family paid a little more, they were getting two rooms.

The room for us / the room for her almost identical. You couldn’t really tell pros and cons until physically in the house. The pictures looked similar.

They were due to arrive a little before us. They wanted her to pick her room, but WE wanted to pick the room first. We had little kids, lots more stuff, tons of wet swimsuits we anticipated needing to hang to dry. We were paying adults, we had way more needs than college kid that could fit in anywhere. Besides, both rooms were great. Just let us get there, and make sure one doesn’t have a larger bathroom or bad light for a baby nap, right?

They made a whole thing about they were getting there first and she’d have to wait hours to settle in somewhere. I understand her perspective. But we weren’t that far behind, and coming from farther. They lived so much closer and are always pulling stuff like asking for early check-in. It’s not our fault we were coming later, we’d gotten up so early to drive.

It’s hard when these younger people almost feel entitled to stuff that they aren’t paying for. They couldn’t see that spending $$$$, we feel like we want first choice above a youngster.

I don’t know, I find you unreasonable. You can see windows in the pics and pics of the bathrooms.

You couldn’t tell which was which. Many of the other pics were mixed up, but you could tell because of features.

BC layout was similar, you couldn’t really tell. One had an extra chair, useful to us. There were other things.

I could trust this family to decide HOWEVER they said we could come and always choose / kick her out if we really needed the room she was in.

That’s where, though I trusted them, I started questioning this process. I’d rather college kid not move in & wait a little while. I didn’t *want* to potentially kick her out. I didn’t also want to feel awkward about stating our choice and not kick her out / kick her out. Could she just wait until about an hour after check-in to let us pick? It also wasn’t our fault they wanted early check in and were able to get it.

If they had their own room, and their child did, your family should have gotten the biggest room so you could fit your family in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you op.

Not the same situation but we had a house sharing where we paid 1/5 or whatever. Well the college dd of one family - there was a 6th room for her. The family paid a little more, they were getting two rooms.

The room for us / the room for her almost identical. You couldn’t really tell pros and cons until physically in the house. The pictures looked similar.

They were due to arrive a little before us. They wanted her to pick her room, but WE wanted to pick the room first. We had little kids, lots more stuff, tons of wet swimsuits we anticipated needing to hang to dry. We were paying adults, we had way more needs than college kid that could fit in anywhere. Besides, both rooms were great. Just let us get there, and make sure one doesn’t have a larger bathroom or bad light for a baby nap, right?

They made a whole thing about they were getting there first and she’d have to wait hours to settle in somewhere. I understand her perspective. But we weren’t that far behind, and coming from farther. They lived so much closer and are always pulling stuff like asking for early check-in. It’s not our fault we were coming later, we’d gotten up so early to drive.

It’s hard when these younger people almost feel entitled to stuff that they aren’t paying for. They couldn’t see that spending $$$$, we feel like we want first choice above a youngster.

I don’t know, I find you unreasonable. You can see windows in the pics and pics of the bathrooms.

You couldn’t tell which was which. Many of the other pics were mixed up, but you could tell because of features.

BC layout was similar, you couldn’t really tell. One had an extra chair, useful to us. There were other things.

I could trust this family to decide HOWEVER they said we could come and always choose / kick her out if we really needed the room she was in.

That’s where, though I trusted them, I started questioning this process. I’d rather college kid not move in & wait a little while. I didn’t *want* to potentially kick her out. I didn’t also want to feel awkward about stating our choice and not kick her out / kick her out. Could she just wait until about an hour after check-in to let us pick? It also wasn’t our fault they wanted early check in and were able to get it.

If they had their own room, and their child did, your family should have gotten the biggest room so you could fit your family in it.

House sharing isn’t for people like this. The PP OR the family with the college daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t get it. 3 families and you’re not paying 1/3. Many meals will be had by the group and you’re paying for 1.

You’re giving yourself a lot of credit for what you’re paying for but I’m less impressed by your generosity.

PP, you need to re-read OP's post about what she actually has paid for re: meals.

She paid for a fully cooked complete ready-to-eat Thanksgiving dinner (so figure, turkey/meat, sides, desserts, etc.) for TWENTY people.

That is surely a very big wad of cash. Quite possibly comes out to as much as the other families' expenditures for food for the shared house. You should be impressed by OP's generosity, frankly.

Reading before you post is a good thing, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the people that say it's normal that OP's bedroom will be used in his or her absence. Not in my family, or my husband's family. My teens would NEVER use a bed that's not designated to them as for their use. They might ask to brush their teeth in a free bathroom if someone's using the other one, but they'll take their own towel and won't leave a mess.

I think OP is being perfectly reasonable.

And many of us can’t understand asking for a perfectly available room to not be used when you haven’t even arrived yet. This isn’t about mess - everyone has agreed the room should be cleaned before OP arrives.

NP. Those of you shrugging and saying, the teens should clean the room and all will be well -- I would bet that without an adult like grandma standing there over them, the teens are not going to change the sheets on the beds.

And some of us, OP clearly and me too, are not at all going to want to sleep on sheets someone else has been in for several nights in a row (teens or adults).

You're also missing that OP has said repeatedly here that she's stayed in hotels with this family and has seen how they are in hotel rooms. I don't blame her for having no confidence the room and bathroom will be tolerably clean.

Complicating things: She's arriving late at night. No one should have to spend that first night on gross sheets and with a dirty bathroom, then spend the next morning -- which will be Thanksgiving morning, people! -- nagging two teens to come back in and clean a room and bathroom! It'll never happen, or the teens will be pi$$ed and sulky and their parents crabby about that.

Teens can suck up sharing a room and bathroom and should be told so by their own parents. Period. They dont get to call the shots. And yeah, OP does, regarding the room OP and her own two teens are sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a reasonable compromise would be to tell your sibling:

“You paid to arrive at a clean house with clean sheets on your bed and a clean bathroom. I also paid to arrive to clean sheets on my bed and a clean bathroom. If that doesn’t happen when I arrive, you will be refunding me partially for the room if your kids are responsible for messing up my bedroom and bathroom. If they do sleep in there, they will wash the sheets. If they do use the bathroom, they will clean it. Just as you would accept a partial refund if your rooms and bathrooms were dirty on arrival, so will I.”

Whoo, is this how people really talk to their family? I agree they shouldn’t use the room, but this script would start WWIII in my family.

In MY family, a reasonable request to keep teenagers out of my family’s room would be respected and enforced.

But if my family acted like OP’s and did whatever, they would be either cleaning fully or compensating me.

Sure, but you can frame it in a much nicer way than the PP above. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

OK, put your money where your mouth is and “frame it in a much nicer way.” Then we can pick it apart. There ya go.

Um, any conversation which doesn’t include one person saying “you will do this” or “you will do that” to another person? OP isn’t the Grand Poobah. Seriously, you think the script above is the only way to communicate your wishes?

NP. I see you still only criticized and didn't offer an actual example. Lay it out for us, unless you can't. Be specific.

Or dodge it again and just carp away.

Already answered.

Nobody is surprised at the dodge, so. Carry on.

You’re proving my point. Your unpleasant demands are not getting you what you want. Barking orders at people over whom you have no control is pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the people that say it's normal that OP's bedroom will be used in his or her absence. Not in my family, or my husband's family. My teens would NEVER use a bed that's not designated to them as for their use. They might ask to brush their teeth in a free bathroom if someone's using the other one, but they'll take their own towel and won't leave a mess.

I think OP is being perfectly reasonable.

And many of us can’t understand asking for a perfectly available room to not be used when you haven’t even arrived yet. This isn’t about mess - everyone has agreed the room should be cleaned before OP arrives.

NP. Those of you shrugging and saying, the teens should clean the room and all will be well -- I would bet that without an adult like grandma standing there over them, the teens are not going to change the sheets on the beds.

And some of us, OP clearly and me too, are not at all going to want to sleep on sheets someone else has been in for several nights in a row (teens or adults).

You're also missing that OP has said repeatedly here that she's stayed in hotels with this family and has seen how they are in hotel rooms. I don't blame her for having no confidence the room and bathroom will be tolerably clean.

Complicating things: She's arriving late at night. No one should have to spend that first night on gross sheets and with a dirty bathroom, then spend the next morning -- which will be Thanksgiving morning, people! -- nagging two teens to come back in and clean a room and bathroom! It'll never happen, or the teens will be pi$$ed and sulky and their parents crabby about that.

Teens can suck up sharing a room and bathroom and should be told so by their own parents. Period. They dont get to call the shots. And yeah, OP does, regarding the room OP and her own two teens are sharing.

WTF? What teen wouldn’t change the sheets on the bed when it is time to find the room to someone else? Is this a joke? Or is this a reflection of how poorly you’ve been raising your own kids? Give me a break! Teens should know how to clean a room and bathroom to make it brand new for the next person! If OP knows that this family hasn’t taught their kids that, she should book a hotel room and quit trying to share a house with gross people!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is OP vacationing with my ILs?? I can totally see this happening. People that live with dirty bathrooms will never clean a bathroom to the liking of someone who wants clean/fresh/untouched bc they simply don't see the dirt! They'll half-ass a wipe down and say "what? I wiped the counter off!"

Also for the food, I can very much see the whole clan eating through the groceries and not realizing they ate up the bagels.

On the other hand, wouldn't your family realize you're coming into town and WANT to make sure there's breakfast for you in the am? That would be my mom's #1 worry.

Even my siblings who are clueless guys would know to save food for those arriving late. It tells you a lot about this family that op has to worry about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the people that say it's normal that OP's bedroom will be used in his or her absence. Not in my family, or my husband's family. My teens would NEVER use a bed that's not designated to them as for their use. They might ask to brush their teeth in a free bathroom if someone's using the other one, but they'll take their own towel and won't leave a mess.

I think OP is being perfectly reasonable.

And many of us can’t understand asking for a perfectly available room to not be used when you haven’t even arrived yet. This isn’t about mess - everyone has agreed the room should be cleaned before OP arrives.

NP. Those of you shrugging and saying, the teens should clean the room and all will be well -- I would bet that without an adult like grandma standing there over them, the teens are not going to change the sheets on the beds.

And some of us, OP clearly and me too, are not at all going to want to sleep on sheets someone else has been in for several nights in a row (teens or adults).

You're also missing that OP has said repeatedly here that she's stayed in hotels with this family and has seen how they are in hotel rooms. I don't blame her for having no confidence the room and bathroom will be tolerably clean.

Complicating things: She's arriving late at night. No one should have to spend that first night on gross sheets and with a dirty bathroom, then spend the next morning -- which will be Thanksgiving morning, people! -- nagging two teens to come back in and clean a room and bathroom! It'll never happen, or the teens will be pi$$ed and sulky and their parents crabby about that.

Teens can suck up sharing a room and bathroom and should be told so by their own parents. Period. They dont get to call the shots. And yeah, OP does, regarding the room OP and her own two teens are sharing.

Exactly. You left out the number of posters thinking op is going to be able to manage getting to a grocery store the night of arrival. People are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel you op.

Not the same situation but we had a house sharing where we paid 1/5 or whatever. Well the college dd of one family - there was a 6th room for her. The family paid a little more, they were getting two rooms.

The room for us / the room for her almost identical. You couldn’t really tell pros and cons until physically in the house. The pictures looked similar.

They were due to arrive a little before us. They wanted her to pick her room, but WE wanted to pick the room first. We had little kids, lots more stuff, tons of wet swimsuits we anticipated needing to hang to dry. We were paying adults, we had way more needs than college kid that could fit in anywhere. Besides, both rooms were great. Just let us get there, and make sure one doesn’t have a larger bathroom or bad light for a baby nap, right?

They made a whole thing about they were getting there first and she’d have to wait hours to settle in somewhere. I understand her perspective. But we weren’t that far behind, and coming from farther. They lived so much closer and are always pulling stuff like asking for early check-in. It’s not our fault we were coming later, we’d gotten up so early to drive.

It’s hard when these younger people almost feel entitled to stuff that they aren’t paying for. They couldn’t see that spending $$$$, we feel like we want first choice above a youngster.

I don’t know, I find you unreasonable. You can see windows in the pics and pics of the bathrooms.

Not pp. What is wrong with you? You clearly have little experience dealing with stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Renting a house across the country with relatives - three other nuclear family units. We are the most well off, financially, and this trip means a lot to my mother - we are going to spend thanksgiving with older members of her famiky who can’t travel, so we didn’t want to nickel and dime things. House has six bedrooms, and we are totally fine with our nuclear family just in one, and we offered to pay 1/4 of rental price for simplicity. Due to work, most folks are arriving Monday and we arrive Wednesday night. Also of note, love my family, but they are total slobs!

We made two requests.

1) one of the other families has two rooms - one for parents, one for two teens. The teens assumed they could split up and use our room while we weren’t there. I said “no.” There is no way that room/bathroom won’t be a wreck when we arrive, and I’d like a clean space for the three of us.

2) another family is grocery shopping. We are paying for the full thanksgiving meal (ordered) and rest of families are splitting a grocery order bill for the rest of the week. We hardly need this, as we in the shared house for three breakfasts only, but it will be Wednesday evening before thanksgiving when we arrive. I appreciated the offer just to let us add to the order, but I asked if they could just add some coffee to the list if no one else wanted it around and maybe set aside some bagels or some cereal, so it’s there when we get there. Maybe I’m being too precious about this? But I have no way of getting food for Thursday and Friday morning short of bringing it myself, and I know from experience people will just eat what is there communally.

I would be pissed if they used my room (are they going to wash the sheets and towels? unlikely!).

I also think you can place your own grocery order for the stuff you want and have it delivered Wednesday evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s too much to ask for your room to be unoccupied the time you aren’t there. I would just eat whatever they have around for breakfast.

What? No it's not! OP is paying for that room. It's completely reasonable to request that people not sleep in their bed and use their bathroom.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is projecting their own values onto OP's family. OP is already stating-- they have no boundaries, they are entitled and they are messy.

OP absolutely has a right to an untouched room. They didn't pay for it; they act like it's not even there.

[Anonymous]

I think you are being completely reasonable, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is OP vacationing with my ILs?? I can totally see this happening. People that live with dirty bathrooms will never clean a bathroom to the liking of someone who wants clean/fresh/untouched bc they simply don't see the dirt! They'll half-ass a wipe down and say "what? I wiped the counter off!"

Also for the food, I can very much see the whole clan eating through the groceries and not realizing they ate up the bagels.

On the other hand, wouldn't your family realize you're coming into town and WANT to make sure there's breakfast for you in the am? That would be my mom's #1 worry.

Even my siblings who are clueless guys would know to save food for those arriving late. It tells you a lot about this family that op has to worry about that.

The time we shared a beach house with my in-laws, we were the only ones who went grocery shopping. We were a family of four - two adults and two babies (twins). My in-laws were two adults, and the SIL and her husband had four kids, ages 10-18. Within two days every single item of food we had purchased was gone, except the baby oatmeal. Then they asked us when we were going shopping again. That's one of many reasons we have never vacationed with them again. (FIL is an a$$, MIL just wants everyone to get along so would never confront SIL to say she is being unreasonable).

[Anonymous]

OP, since your mom is a neat person, could you ask her to confirm on Wednesday that the sheets on your bed(s) are clean and that the bathroom is clean to her standards? Maybe she will go to bat for you before you get there and then you don't have to worry about any of it.

Good luck!