AITA - shared house thanksgiving edition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a reasonable compromise would be to tell your sibling:

“You paid to arrive at a clean house with clean sheets on your bed and a clean bathroom. I also paid to arrive to clean sheets on my bed and a clean bathroom. If that doesn’t happen when I arrive, you will be refunding me partially for the room if your kids are responsible for messing up my bedroom and bathroom. If they do sleep in there, they will wash the sheets. If they do use the bathroom, they will clean it. Just as you would accept a partial refund if your rooms and bathrooms were dirty on arrival, so will I.”

Whoo, is this how people really talk to their family? I agree they shouldn’t use the room, but this script would start WWIII in my family.

In MY family, a reasonable request to keep teenagers out of my family’s room would be respected and enforced.

But if my family acted like OP’s and did whatever, they would be either cleaning fully or compensating me.

Sure, but you can frame it in a much nicer way than the PP above. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

OK, put your money where your mouth is and “frame it in a much nicer way.” Then we can pick it apart. There ya go.

Um, any conversation which doesn’t include one person saying “you will do this” or “you will do that” to another person? OP isn’t the Grand Poobah. Seriously, you think the script above is the only way to communicate your wishes?

[Anonymous]

No, it’s not fine for people to use your room or bathroom, unless it’s clean when you arrive.

I suppose it’s fine to use the food that’s already there if you know people are going to order a quantity that’s too much already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s too much to ask for your room to be unoccupied the time you aren’t there. I would just eat whatever they have around for breakfast.

No... it isn't.

NP and sorry but I disagree. I do think it’s unreasonable to ask that an available room be kept empty when so many family members are coming together to share a house, and not how you treat family. However, asking the room and bathroom to be cleaned and with fresh sheets is perfectly reasonable. Guess we will all have to agree to disagree but on this one, I do think OP is TA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a reasonable compromise would be to tell your sibling:

“You paid to arrive at a clean house with clean sheets on your bed and a clean bathroom. I also paid to arrive to clean sheets on my bed and a clean bathroom. If that doesn’t happen when I arrive, you will be refunding me partially for the room if your kids are responsible for messing up my bedroom and bathroom. If they do sleep in there, they will wash the sheets. If they do use the bathroom, they will clean it. Just as you would accept a partial refund if your rooms and bathrooms were dirty on arrival, so will I.”

Whoo, is this how people really talk to their family? I agree they shouldn’t use the room, but this script would start WWIII in my family.

In MY family, a reasonable request to keep teenagers out of my family’s room would be respected and enforced.

But if my family acted like OP’s and did whatever, they would be either cleaning fully or compensating me.

Sure, but you can frame it in a much nicer way than the PP above. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

OK, put your money where your mouth is and “frame it in a much nicer way.” Then we can pick it apart. There ya go.

The wording from 07:05 was much better.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have more money, you are organized, your are cleaner. All this does is set off the insecurity in others making them push back.

You have to be okay with a room that has been slept in and used with their version of hastily "cleaning" it before you arrive. Bring your own bagels and expect a dirty room, all in the name of not being persnickety.

I deal with this with my family all the time. And there is nothing I can say or do that makes it so they see my side. It only proves to them that my "reasonable asks" solidify that I am persnickety. Cue eye roll from my family. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a reasonable compromise would be to tell your sibling:

“You paid to arrive at a clean house with clean sheets on your bed and a clean bathroom. I also paid to arrive to clean sheets on my bed and a clean bathroom. If that doesn’t happen when I arrive, you will be refunding me partially for the room if your kids are responsible for messing up my bedroom and bathroom. If they do sleep in there, they will wash the sheets. If they do use the bathroom, they will clean it. Just as you would accept a partial refund if your rooms and bathrooms were dirty on arrival, so will I.”

Whoo, is this how people really talk to their family? I agree they shouldn’t use the room, but this script would start WWIII in my family.

In MY family, a reasonable request to keep teenagers out of my family’s room would be respected and enforced.

But if my family acted like OP’s and did whatever, they would be either cleaning fully or compensating me.

Sure, but you can frame it in a much nicer way than the PP above. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

OK, put your money where your mouth is and “frame it in a much nicer way.” Then we can pick it apart. There ya go.

Um, any conversation which doesn’t include one person saying “you will do this” or “you will do that” to another person? OP isn’t the Grand Poobah. Seriously, you think the script above is the only way to communicate your wishes?

NP. I see you still only criticized and didn't offer an actual example. Lay it out for us, unless you can't. Be specific.

Or dodge it again and just carp away.

[Anonymous]

Can you grab a bag of bagels, some oatmeal, and coffee? I’ll Venmo you xx$ for that and a bit more for anything else we might snack on.

We’d rather our room not be used. We’re getting in late and it’s easier to not have folks switch around. I’m so glad the kids are getting their own room instead of everyone cramming into one. (Though you might leave that part out).

Or take your chances and have a few things delivered. I don’t think any of your requests are over the top btw. Group houses go feral, especially when it’s family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s too much to ask for your room to be unoccupied the time you aren’t there. I would just eat whatever they have around for breakfast.

OP here. I’m beginning to see why beach trips go south on a regular basis. You really think it’s reasonable for the family that already has two rooms for them to let their kids take over someone else’s room? I felt like a bit of “TA” after writing out the breakfast one, and already changed my mind on that, but I’m more surprised at this one. I’ve always considered myself pretty low maintenance, and have no qualms taking whatever bedroom no one else wants…. But I’d like it to be clean!

Tell them you're ok for them to use it UNTIL you get there but please clean the bathroom/bedroom on the morning of XXX when you arrive.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the people that say it's normal that OP's bedroom will be used in his or her absence. Not in my family, or my husband's family. My teens would NEVER use a bed that's not designated to them as for their use. They might ask to brush their teeth in a free bathroom if someone's using the other one, but they'll take their own towel and won't leave a mess.

I think OP is being perfectly reasonable.

[Anonymous]

You absolutely should be able to ask that they don’t use your room until you get there. That’s completely an OK ask. I agree that they might not be respectful of that ask. But I do think you should ask. And if you get there and it’s dirty, tell the parents they need to clean it.

[Anonymous]

They should not use your bedroom if you ask them not to but they probably will if they’re jerks. You should just Instacart yourself some groceries to arrive Wednesday night.

[Anonymous]

Is OP vacationing with my ILs?? I can totally see this happening. People that live with dirty bathrooms will never clean a bathroom to the liking of someone who wants clean/fresh/untouched bc they simply don't see the dirt! They'll half-ass a wipe down and say "what? I wiped the counter off!"

Also for the food, I can very much see the whole clan eating through the groceries and not realizing they ate up the bagels.

On the other hand, wouldn't your family realize you're coming into town and WANT to make sure there's breakfast for you in the am? That would be my mom's #1 worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NTA for either request.

1. Emphasize that you want a 100% clean room and bathroom. Don’t make it about money or refunds, but about your own comfort

2. If you are paying for all of Thanksgiving dinner it is reasonable to enjoy their order of breakfast food. Ask them to order enough for your family Thu-Sat

Op here. Totally agree with number 1. I already send a note to brother in charge of accommodations, as a reply to his original email way back when detailing all six rooms and who got what, just as a word to the wise, to please just set aside our room so it was clean and unused on our arrival. He’s the low drama brother so he will get it.

Paying for thanksgiving dinner was kind of an accident! The relative where we’re going for
Dinner for 20 is in no position to cook or buy dinner, so my mom
Offered to order an entire precooked grocery meal. Then she had trouble with the website, so I ended up ordering! She’s insanely generous financially with us on trips, so I’d feel like a jerk asking her to pay me back. We are lucky that on shared vacations money has never been a stress.

Nope, telling just the low drama brother is not enough. You need to send a friendly email to everyone asking them not to go into your room or bathroom at all. Don’t make your brother be the enforcer plus he might not do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the people that say it's normal that OP's bedroom will be used in his or her absence. Not in my family, or my husband's family. My teens would NEVER use a bed that's not designated to them as for their use. They might ask to brush their teeth in a free bathroom if someone's using the other one, but they'll take their own towel and won't leave a mess.

I think OP is being perfectly reasonable.

And many of us can’t understand asking for a perfectly available room to not be used when you haven’t even arrived yet. This isn’t about mess - everyone has agreed the room should be cleaned before OP arrives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s too much to ask for your room to be unoccupied the time you aren’t there. I would just eat whatever they have around for breakfast.

NP. No, it’s not too much. The people who asked if they could use someone else’s room without paying for it should be second guessing their request and wondering if they’re TA. They sound selfish.

Of course they’re selfish…. They’re family!

Oh, gag. :roll: