Dating a sweet kind loser

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

OP, you sound like the loser in this situation.

No she doesn’t. They just sound incompatible.

The guy also sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulders and can’t quite function in mainstream society.

She does indeed sound like a loser. By her own admission this man is sweet, compassionate and accomplished. Yet, he is a loser in her mind because he is not wealthy. That makes her a loser.

I am also willing to bet he actually has a fair amount of wealth — home equity, retirement savings, maybe a pension. That frugality including a roommate sounds financially strategic, not desperate to make a mortgage payment (he might also have been lonely at one point, or helped someone out who needed a place to live). He just doesn’t lavish spending. Sounds like she might leave him and then some day he dies with $20 million he leaves to the university scholarship fund or something.

Correct, for whatever reasons, he doesn’t want to enjoy whatever money he has or he lets his date pay for everything. Which gets insulting after a short while.

Maybe he’s a hippie and needs to only date overeducated unambituous hippies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

OP, you sound like the loser in this situation.

No she doesn’t. They just sound incompatible.

The guy also sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulders and can’t quite function in mainstream society.

She does indeed sound like a loser. By her own admission this man is sweet, compassionate and accomplished. Yet, he is a loser in her mind because he is not wealthy. That makes her a loser.

I am also willing to bet he actually has a fair amount of wealth — home equity, retirement savings, maybe a pension. That frugality including a roommate sounds financially strategic, not desperate to make a mortgage payment (he might also have been lonely at one point, or helped someone out who needed a place to live). He just doesn’t lavish spending. Sounds like she might leave him and then some day he dies with $20 million he leaves to the university scholarship fund or something.

Correct, for whatever reasons, he doesn’t want to enjoy whatever money he has or he lets his date pay for everything. Which gets insulting after a short while.

Maybe he’s a hippie and needs to only date overeducated unambituous hippies.

Exactly - he has the money but prefers to enjoy outings at OP’s expense. Not even contributing equally into things they would both enjoy.
I was dating someone like that and it didn’t last

[Anonymous]

He doesn't sound like a loser.

It sounds like you have different values which is okay and a reasonable deal breaker.

You sound like a terrible person with a limited vocabulary, which begs the question why Mr sweet and kind too good for this world with a PhD would be interested in you.

A social experiment perhaps? A bet with friends?

[Anonymous]

A phd in and off itself is not impressive.

Most are from non name schools and were a way to hide for 6-7 years, live off grant money, and avoid real jobs and real life. And if they couldn’t get a grant for their PhD or thesis they shouldn’t have been doing one.

Only a rare few are action-oriented personalities who go out, compete and make an impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't sound like a loser.

It sounds like you have different values which is okay and a reasonable deal breaker.

You sound like a terrible person with a limited vocabulary, which begs the question why Mr sweet and kind too good for this world with a PhD would be interested in you.

A social experiment perhaps? A bet with friends?

First off, anyone can pretend to be sweet and nice for a limited time or in short bursts, especially when first dating.

Second off, curious how Op and he met. Online? Did he specify any goals or just “meet people.” How passive or proactive is someone who doesn’t like to spend money or go out…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

OP, you sound like the loser in this situation.

No she doesn’t. They just sound incompatible.

The guy also sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulders and can’t quite function in mainstream society.

She does indeed sound like a loser. By her own admission this man is sweet, compassionate and accomplished. Yet, he is a loser in her mind because he is not wealthy. That makes her a loser.

I am also willing to bet he actually has a fair amount of wealth — home equity, retirement savings, maybe a pension. That frugality including a roommate sounds financially strategic, not desperate to make a mortgage payment (he might also have been lonely at one point, or helped someone out who needed a place to live). He just doesn’t lavish spending. Sounds like she might leave him and then some day he dies with $20 million he leaves to the university scholarship fund or something.

Correct, for whatever reasons, he doesn’t want to enjoy whatever money he has or he lets his date pay for everything. Which gets insulting after a short while.

Maybe he’s a hippie and needs to only date overeducated unambituous hippies.

Exactly - he has the money but prefers to enjoy outings at OP’s expense. Not even contributing equally into things they would both enjoy.
I was dating someone like that and it didn’t last

DP. It's almost funny how now it's simply assumed to be "correct" that some PPs insist this man has money, even "wealth." All based on nothing but the projections and assumptions of various PPs in the thread. So what if he does? So what if he doesn't? It's crystal clear that OP holds him in contempt and thinks he's not ambitious enough, so she needs to stop waffling around and break it off with him. This isn't complicated. They have very different values, and that's what would sink them in time if they actually kept dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

Sounds like no chemistry so just be friend and move on to dating others.

Just hang out as friends when you feel like splitting the bill, treating him or staying in with him and his roommate. Or do free activities out in public- hikes, zoo, fairs, book talks, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A phd in and off itself is not impressive.

Most are from non name schools and were a way to hide for 6-7 years, live off grant money, and avoid real jobs and real life. And if they couldn’t get a grant for their PhD or thesis they shouldn’t have been doing one.

Only a rare few are action-oriented personalities who go out, compete and make an impact.

Wow. Which PhD in your life peed in your cornflakes this morning, PP?

Or were you the PhD candidate who hit a wall?

You sure weren't getting any PhD in statistics or you'd know that claims about how "most" people in any group do any one thing are simply projections and fabrications. Nor was it in psychology or you wouldn't pretend you know sweeping, universal truths about how "most" PhDs were "a way to hide" blah blah.

No, I don't have one, but I also know projection, negativity and arrogant assumptions when I see them. Like in your post.

[Anonymous]

No. Just know it wholly attracts the same risk averse academic and bookish individuals.

Very few make it to think tanks or top schools to do research or teach the same class every year. It’s good for people who hate making decisions, just do the same stuff, classes, long term projects a couple days a week. Or go get underpaid to elsewhere to do the same research for govt or Corp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A phd in and off itself is not impressive.

Most are from non name schools and were a way to hide for 6-7 years, live off grant money, and avoid real jobs and real life. And if they couldn’t get a grant for their PhD or thesis they shouldn’t have been doing one.

Only a rare few are action-oriented personalities who go out, compete and make an impact.

Wow. Which PhD in your life peed in your cornflakes this morning, PP?

Or were you the PhD candidate who hit a wall?

You sure weren't getting any PhD in statistics or you'd know that claims about how "most" people in any group do any one thing are simply projections and fabrications. Nor was it in psychology or you wouldn't pretend you know sweeping, universal truths about how "most" PhDs were "a way to hide" blah blah.

No, I don't have one, but I also know projection, negativity and arrogant assumptions when I see them. Like in your post.

Who would want to do 6+ years of no pay grad school!? I mean seriously. It’s not medical school and residency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

Sounds like no chemistry so just be friend and move on to dating others.

Just hang out as friends when you feel like splitting the bill, treating him or staying in with him and his roommate. Or do free activities out in public- hikes, zoo, fairs, book talks, whatever.

This. And if he doesn’t want to be friends, that’s fine too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

Maybe he is, too. Why don't you pay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

OP, you sound like the loser in this situation.

No she doesn’t. They just sound incompatible.

The guy also sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulders and can’t quite function in mainstream society.

She does indeed sound like a loser. By her own admission this man is sweet, compassionate and accomplished. Yet, he is a loser in her mind because he is not wealthy. That makes her a loser.

Stop getting hung up on semantics.

He is a 50 yo simpleton with limited life experiences and ambitions.
I wouldn’t bother continuing to date him long enough to find out Why.

CAre to support that statement? The man has a PhD. Where and why did you conclude that he is a simpleton with limited life experience and ambitions? PhD sounds pretty ambitious to me, for one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

OP, you sound like the loser in this situation.

No she doesn’t. They just sound incompatible.

The guy also sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulders and can’t quite function in mainstream society.

She does indeed sound like a loser. By her own admission this man is sweet, compassionate and accomplished. Yet, he is a loser in her mind because he is not wealthy. That makes her a loser.

He doesn’t like accomplishments. So no.

Successfully completing a PhD program and working in the field now equals "doesn't like accomplishments." mmmmkkkkaahyyyy How many PhDs do you have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now that everyone's dumped on OP, can we discuss her very valid roommate concern? What if they want to move in together?

Did she say she wants to move in with this "loser?" So why should we be discussing it?