Dating a sweet kind loser

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone who says you should split up. Unlikely that either one of you will change, downhill in resentment for you. And he deserves to meet someone who values/appreciate him.

I do value and appreciate him. I am just also more shallow, spoiled and materialistic than him. I think he is the better person, like too good for this world, and that worries me. Money and the values required to make it are important. I have enough of my own for me but not for both of us.

I think this would be a good topic for therapy. Maybe even couples therapy if you really like him.

You both seem drawn to characteristics of each that you admire but for reasons shun in yourselves. A good therapist could help you dig a little deeper to determine if and how each of you can make small shifts that bring you more into alignment.

She thinks he is a loser. No amount of therapy will fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone who says you should split up. Unlikely that either one of you will change, downhill in resentment for you. And he deserves to meet someone who values/appreciate him.

I do value and appreciate him. I am just also more shallow, spoiled and materialistic than him. I think he is the better person, like too good for this world, and that worries me. Money and the values required to make it are important. I have enough of my own for me but not for both of us.

I think this would be a good topic for therapy. Maybe even couples therapy if you really like him.

You both seem drawn to characteristics of each that you admire but for reasons shun in yourselves. A good therapist could help you dig a little deeper to determine if and how each of you can make small shifts that bring you more into alignment.

She thinks he is a loser. No amount of therapy will fix that.

It’s obvious she’s an ugly person with little to offer herself. Next!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

OP, you sound like the loser in this situation.

No she doesn’t. They just sound incompatible.

The guy also sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulders and can’t quite function in mainstream society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

OP, you sound like the loser in this situation.

No she doesn’t. They just sound incompatible.

The guy also sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulders and can’t quite function in mainstream society.

She does indeed sound like a loser. By her own admission this man is sweet, compassionate and accomplished. Yet, he is a loser in her mind because he is not wealthy. That makes her a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

OP, you sound like the loser in this situation.

No she doesn’t. They just sound incompatible.

The guy also sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulders and can’t quite function in mainstream society.

She does indeed sound like a loser. By her own admission this man is sweet, compassionate and accomplished. Yet, he is a loser in her mind because he is not wealthy. That makes her a loser.

I am also willing to bet he actually has a fair amount of wealth — home equity, retirement savings, maybe a pension. That frugality including a roommate sounds financially strategic, not desperate to make a mortgage payment (he might also have been lonely at one point, or helped someone out who needed a place to live). He just doesn’t lavish spending. Sounds like she might leave him and then some day he dies with $20 million he leaves to the university scholarship fund or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

OP, you sound like the loser in this situation.

No she doesn’t. They just sound incompatible.

The guy also sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulders and can’t quite function in mainstream society.

She does indeed sound like a loser. By her own admission this man is sweet, compassionate and accomplished. Yet, he is a loser in her mind because he is not wealthy. That makes her a loser.

I am also willing to bet he actually has a fair amount of wealth — home equity, retirement savings, maybe a pension. That frugality including a roommate sounds financially strategic, not desperate to make a mortgage payment (he might also have been lonely at one point, or helped someone out who needed a place to live). He just doesn’t lavish spending. Sounds like she might leave him and then some day he dies with $20 million he leaves to the university scholarship fund or something.

Sounds he’s just cheap and doesn’t want to invest in relationship with OP. If he’s that wealthy to have a house. It’s not all about splitting which OP is doing. It’s about equal spending habits. If OP is used to dine at Zaytinia paying on her own she won’t be happy with a guy who invites her to local burger place and then offers split the bill.

They need to split imho

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

OP, you sound like the loser in this situation.

No she doesn’t. They just sound incompatible.

The guy also sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulders and can’t quite function in mainstream society.

She does indeed sound like a loser. By her own admission this man is sweet, compassionate and accomplished. Yet, he is a loser in her mind because he is not wealthy. That makes her a loser.

I am also willing to bet he actually has a fair amount of wealth — home equity, retirement savings, maybe a pension. That frugality including a roommate sounds financially strategic, not desperate to make a mortgage payment (he might also have been lonely at one point, or helped someone out who needed a place to live). He just doesn’t lavish spending. Sounds like she might leave him and then some day he dies with $20 million he leaves to the university scholarship fund or something.

What’s in it for your loved ones if you are not using your resources to enjoy life with them ? Sounds mental to me - to save just for the sake of saving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

OP, you sound like the loser in this situation.

No she doesn’t. They just sound incompatible.

The guy also sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulders and can’t quite function in mainstream society.

NP. Just because he does not choose to give priority to being whatever OP deems wealthy enough does not mean that he "can't function in mainstream society." Nowhere does she say anything that indicates that. In fact most of "mainstream society" is trying to get along, not clawing its way to make more, more, more and live in a certain type of house at a certain type of income bracket (like DCUM often thinks people "must" do).

You are basically diagnosing him as having some kind of mental shortcoming with that phrase. The shortcoming here is a moral one, and it's OP's. If she valued his compassion for others the way she values the idea of money/ambition/achievement, she would be match for him. But she's about apperances and income (she'll call that "stability," I suspect) so he would do better to date someone who has his same values, not OP. And if she married him, she would be back here in a few years lamenting how her DH does not try hard enough to make more money or get "better" jobs. Truly, they're not a match on the MOST fundamental level of values and priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

OP, you sound like the loser in this situation.

No she doesn’t. They just sound incompatible.

The guy also sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulders and can’t quite function in mainstream society.

She does indeed sound like a loser. By her own admission this man is sweet, compassionate and accomplished. Yet, he is a loser in her mind because he is not wealthy. That makes her a loser.

Stop getting hung up on semantics.

He is a 50 yo simpleton with limited life experiences and ambitions.
I wouldn’t bother continuing to date him long enough to find out Why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:he has a house? in this economy? I'd date him in a heartbeat!!

Maybe his Mom and dad bought him the house since they they feared for his future without them.

Where else and what former living arrangements did he have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

There are lots of successful career people who have successes in other aspects of life - kids, volunteering, marathons, friends, travel, speaker events, etc.

Does he loathe them all? Does everyone have to be a homebody to be accepted by him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone who says you should split up. Unlikely that either one of you will change, downhill in resentment for you. And he deserves to meet someone who values/appreciate him.

I do value and appreciate him. I am just also more shallow, spoiled and materialistic than him. I think he is the better person, like too good for this world, and that worries me. Money and the values required to make it are important. I have enough of my own for me but not for both of us.

So he just likes to be low income or who knows? Does he have a trading account and like stocks? Or does he donate away all his excess cash and live a more Buddhist life?

What are his goals?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really difficult. He is so kind and sweet but despite a PhD has barely gotten anywhere in life at age 50. Is very sympathetic with the downtrodden and has not succeeded materially at all. I respect that he lives within his means (has a housemate whose rent subsidizes his very low mortgage) but am tired of splitting the bill, treating and staying in. I feel so guilty bc he’s really nice but it hard to imagine living this way now.

What does sympathetic with the downtrodden mean?

He volunteers a lot at church?
Or he’s an anti-capitalist SJW who believes every OpEd in Wash Post?

OP. Both actually.

He’s almost perverse in his rejection of what most people do to succeed. Like he works in a job with certain expectations for success and yet coaches himself not to let those metrics “define him.” I feel like buddy if it’s your job don’t fight it, do it.

OP, you sound like the loser in this situation.

No she doesn’t. They just sound incompatible.

The guy also sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulders and can’t quite function in mainstream society.

She does indeed sound like a loser. By her own admission this man is sweet, compassionate and accomplished. Yet, he is a loser in her mind because he is not wealthy. That makes her a loser.

He doesn’t like accomplishments. So no.

[Anonymous]

Now that everyone's dumped on OP, can we discuss her very valid roommate concern? What if they want to move in together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone who says you should split up. Unlikely that either one of you will change, downhill in resentment for you. And he deserves to meet someone who values/appreciate him.

I do value and appreciate him. I am just also more shallow, spoiled and materialistic than him. I think he is the better person, like too good for this world, and that worries me. Money and the values required to make it are important. I have enough of my own for me but not for both of us.

How old are you? Do you have kids?

The original post said the man is 50, so I'm going to assume OP is in her 40's or 50's.