college children and money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Each child gets the share that was planned for them or what's left of their share. There is no transfer of one fund to the other. That would be terribly unfair, since there was no discussion prior to enrollment that a transfer might be a possibility should one of them receive a scholarship.

In the future, everyone needs to understand that big money questions need to be fully explored, and things need to be spelled out on paper. No verbal agreement that some then conveniently forget. Since it's family, and contracts are probably not enforceable, a written honor agreement should suffice.

OMG. No! What in the world?! Kids are not entitled to "full exploration" and "things spelled out on paper" of their parents' money. Absolutely not.

That’s why at least one of your kids will resent you in adulthood.

Kids want to be treated fairly. They know the world isn’t fair. Their parents should be.

Kids are treated fairly, each one gets exactly what they need at that point in their life. For one it might be PT/OT/Tutoring/therapy for 5-6 years when young, for another it might be intensive sports from early age with travel/competitions/etc, for another it might involve braces. All of our kids had a car to drive once they had a license, but sometimes it was a different car--one had a 5 yo car, another had a brand new car at 17 because the older sibling took the older/kid car to college. Each kid can go to the best college for them, if it's $90K/year for each kid we will fund it. If one wants to go to med school or grad school or law school we will fund that. if the other kid doesn't want to do that, we as parents will decide what we might do for them, but it's not a guaranteed $ for $ of what we pay for grad school for the other. However if that kid decides to attend graduate school of some type we will pay, and if they come to us and say "we want to start a company and need feeder money we would consider helping if the idea is sound.

We will likely help all kids with a downpayment when the time comes, but the one who goes to the cheaper college is not entitled to extra money later. We haven't kept a spreadsheet since the kids were little with what we spent, and we don't plan to start now that they are in college and beyond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Each child gets the share that was planned for them or what's left of their share. There is no transfer of one fund to the other. That would be terribly unfair, since there was no discussion prior to enrollment that a transfer might be a possibility should one of them receive a scholarship.

In the future, everyone needs to understand that big money questions need to be fully explored, and things need to be spelled out on paper. No verbal agreement that some then conveniently forget. Since it's family, and contracts are probably not enforceable, a written honor agreement should suffice.

OMG. No! What in the world?! Kids are not entitled to "full exploration" and "things spelled out on paper" of their parents' money. Absolutely not.

That’s why at least one of your kids will resent you in adulthood.

Kids want to be treated fairly. They know the world isn’t fair. Their parents should be.

Kids are treated fairly, each one gets exactly what they need at that point in their life. For one it might be PT/OT/Tutoring/therapy for 5-6 years when young, for another it might be intensive sports from early age with travel/competitions/etc, for another it might involve braces. All of our kids had a car to drive once they had a license, but sometimes it was a different car--one had a 5 yo car, another had a brand new car at 17 because the older sibling took the older/kid car to college. Each kid can go to the best college for them, if it's $90K/year for each kid we will fund it. If one wants to go to med school or grad school or law school we will fund that. if the other kid doesn't want to do that, we as parents will decide what we might do for them, but it's not a guaranteed $ for $ of what we pay for grad school for the other. However if that kid decides to attend graduate school of some type we will pay, and if they come to us and say "we want to start a company and need feeder money we would consider helping if the idea is sound.

We will likely help all kids with a downpayment when the time comes, but the one who goes to the cheaper college is not entitled to extra money later. We haven't kept a spreadsheet since the kids were little with what we spent, and we don't plan to start now that they are in college and beyond.

Actually that's no tiara. OT/PT/Tutoring/Therapy is not comparable to Sports/travel. Kids should get therapies and tutoring and braces without it being a competition but each kid should get the same amount for a car, college, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Each child gets the share that was planned for them or what's left of their share. There is no transfer of one fund to the other. That would be terribly unfair, since there was no discussion prior to enrollment that a transfer might be a possibility should one of them receive a scholarship.

In the future, everyone needs to understand that big money questions need to be fully explored, and things need to be spelled out on paper. No verbal agreement that some then conveniently forget. Since it's family, and contracts are probably not enforceable, a written honor agreement should suffice.

OMG. No! What in the world?! Kids are not entitled to "full exploration" and "things spelled out on paper" of their parents' money. Absolutely not.

That’s why at least one of your kids will resent you in adulthood.

Kids want to be treated fairly. They know the world isn’t fair. Their parents should be.

Kids are treated fairly, each one gets exactly what they need at that point in their life. For one it might be PT/OT/Tutoring/therapy for 5-6 years when young, for another it might be intensive sports from early age with travel/competitions/etc, for another it might involve braces. All of our kids had a car to drive once they had a license, but sometimes it was a different car--one had a 5 yo car, another had a brand new car at 17 because the older sibling took the older/kid car to college. Each kid can go to the best college for them, if it's $90K/year for each kid we will fund it. If one wants to go to med school or grad school or law school we will fund that. if the other kid doesn't want to do that, we as parents will decide what we might do for them, but it's not a guaranteed $ for $ of what we pay for grad school for the other. However if that kid decides to attend graduate school of some type we will pay, and if they come to us and say "we want to start a company and need feeder money we would consider helping if the idea is sound.

We will likely help all kids with a downpayment when the time comes, but the one who goes to the cheaper college is not entitled to extra money later. We haven't kept a spreadsheet since the kids were little with what we spent, and we don't plan to start now that they are in college and beyond.

Actually that's no tiara. OT/PT/Tutoring/Therapy is not comparable to Sports/travel. Kids should get therapies and tutoring and braces without it being a competition but each kid should get the same amount for a car, college, etc.

But using your logic and the need to "track what is spent" wouldn't you have a kid who says "you spent $40K on sibling and look at me, I didn't need any of that so give me my check"

Because if you raise your kids to expect "life is fair and it's dollar for dollar" they I'd expect them to do the above. I'd be embarrassed to have a kid who did that. Apparently you wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Each child gets the share that was planned for them or what's left of their share. There is no transfer of one fund to the other. That would be terribly unfair, since there was no discussion prior to enrollment that a transfer might be a possibility should one of them receive a scholarship.

In the future, everyone needs to understand that big money questions need to be fully explored, and things need to be spelled out on paper. No verbal agreement that some then conveniently forget. Since it's family, and contracts are probably not enforceable, a written honor agreement should suffice.

OMG. No! What in the world?! Kids are not entitled to "full exploration" and "things spelled out on paper" of their parents' money. Absolutely not.

That’s why at least one of your kids will resent you in adulthood.

Kids want to be treated fairly. They know the world isn’t fair. Their parents should be.

Kids are treated fairly, each one gets exactly what they need at that point in their life. For one it might be PT/OT/Tutoring/therapy for 5-6 years when young, for another it might be intensive sports from early age with travel/competitions/etc, for another it might involve braces. All of our kids had a car to drive once they had a license, but sometimes it was a different car--one had a 5 yo car, another had a brand new car at 17 because the older sibling took the older/kid car to college. Each kid can go to the best college for them, if it's $90K/year for each kid we will fund it. If one wants to go to med school or grad school or law school we will fund that. if the other kid doesn't want to do that, we as parents will decide what we might do for them, but it's not a guaranteed $ for $ of what we pay for grad school for the other. However if that kid decides to attend graduate school of some type we will pay, and if they come to us and say "we want to start a company and need feeder money we would consider helping if the idea is sound.

We will likely help all kids with a downpayment when the time comes, but the one who goes to the cheaper college is not entitled to extra money later. We haven't kept a spreadsheet since the kids were little with what we spent, and we don't plan to start now that they are in college and beyond.

Actually that's no tiara. OT/PT/Tutoring/Therapy is not comparable to Sports/travel. Kids should get therapies and tutoring and braces without it being a competition but each kid should get the same amount for a car, college, etc.

But using your logic and the need to "track what is spent" wouldn't you have a kid who says "you spent $40K on sibling and look at me, I didn't need any of that so give me my check"

Because if you raise your kids to expect "life is fair and it's dollar for dollar" they I'd expect them to do the above. I'd be embarrassed to have a kid who did that. Apparently you wouldn't.

OP here. My children understand that the world is not going to be fair to them but they know that their father is going to treat them equally and fairly, and that's my job as a father. Both DS#1 and DS#2 are comfortable with the decision that #2 gets his share because he receives an athletic scholarship. DW is not happy with it but she has to respect it because they need to be treated as adults. If #2 wants to split the money with #1, that's his choice (they are very tight with each other).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Each child gets the share that was planned for them or what's left of their share. There is no transfer of one fund to the other. That would be terribly unfair, since there was no discussion prior to enrollment that a transfer might be a possibility should one of them receive a scholarship.

In the future, everyone needs to understand that big money questions need to be fully explored, and things need to be spelled out on paper. No verbal agreement that some then conveniently forget. Since it's family, and contracts are probably not enforceable, a written honor agreement should suffice.

OMG. No! What in the world?! Kids are not entitled to "full exploration" and "things spelled out on paper" of their parents' money. Absolutely not.

That’s why at least one of your kids will resent you in adulthood.

Kids want to be treated fairly. They know the world isn’t fair. Their parents should be.

Kids are treated fairly, each one gets exactly what they need at that point in their life. For one it might be PT/OT/Tutoring/therapy for 5-6 years when young, for another it might be intensive sports from early age with travel/competitions/etc, for another it might involve braces. All of our kids had a car to drive once they had a license, but sometimes it was a different car--one had a 5 yo car, another had a brand new car at 17 because the older sibling took the older/kid car to college. Each kid can go to the best college for them, if it's $90K/year for each kid we will fund it. If one wants to go to med school or grad school or law school we will fund that. if the other kid doesn't want to do that, we as parents will decide what we might do for them, but it's not a guaranteed $ for $ of what we pay for grad school for the other. However if that kid decides to attend graduate school of some type we will pay, and if they come to us and say "we want to start a company and need feeder money we would consider helping if the idea is sound.

We will likely help all kids with a downpayment when the time comes, but the one who goes to the cheaper college is not entitled to extra money later. We haven't kept a spreadsheet since the kids were little with what we spent, and we don't plan to start now that they are in college and beyond.

Actually that's no tiara. OT/PT/Tutoring/Therapy is not comparable to Sports/travel. Kids should get therapies and tutoring and braces without it being a competition but each kid should get the same amount for a car, college, etc.

But using your logic and the need to "track what is spent" wouldn't you have a kid who says "you spent $40K on sibling and look at me, I didn't need any of that so give me my check"

Because if you raise your kids to expect "life is fair and it's dollar for dollar" they I'd expect them to do the above. I'd be embarrassed to have a kid who did that. Apparently you wouldn't.

OP here. My children understand that the world is not going to be fair to them but they know that their father is going to treat them equally and fairly, and that's my job as a father. Both DS#1 and DS#2 are comfortable with the decision that #2 gets his share because he receives an athletic scholarship. DW is not happy with it but she has to respect it because they need to be treated as adults. If #2 wants to split the money with #1, that's his choice (they are very tight with each other).

Fortunately we don't live in a Stepford world because being married to you would get old quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Each child gets the share that was planned for them or what's left of their share. There is no transfer of one fund to the other. That would be terribly unfair, since there was no discussion prior to enrollment that a transfer might be a possibility should one of them receive a scholarship.

In the future, everyone needs to understand that big money questions need to be fully explored, and things need to be spelled out on paper. No verbal agreement that some then conveniently forget. Since it's family, and contracts are probably not enforceable, a written honor agreement should suffice.

OMG. No! What in the world?! Kids are not entitled to "full exploration" and "things spelled out on paper" of their parents' money. Absolutely not.

That’s why at least one of your kids will resent you in adulthood.

Kids want to be treated fairly. They know the world isn’t fair. Their parents should be.

Kids are treated fairly, each one gets exactly what they need at that point in their life. For one it might be PT/OT/Tutoring/therapy for 5-6 years when young, for another it might be intensive sports from early age with travel/competitions/etc, for another it might involve braces. All of our kids had a car to drive once they had a license, but sometimes it was a different car--one had a 5 yo car, another had a brand new car at 17 because the older sibling took the older/kid car to college. Each kid can go to the best college for them, if it's $90K/year for each kid we will fund it. If one wants to go to med school or grad school or law school we will fund that. if the other kid doesn't want to do that, we as parents will decide what we might do for them, but it's not a guaranteed $ for $ of what we pay for grad school for the other. However if that kid decides to attend graduate school of some type we will pay, and if they come to us and say "we want to start a company and need feeder money we would consider helping if the idea is sound.

We will likely help all kids with a downpayment when the time comes, but the one who goes to the cheaper college is not entitled to extra money later. We haven't kept a spreadsheet since the kids were little with what we spent, and we don't plan to start now that they are in college and beyond.

Actually that's no tiara. OT/PT/Tutoring/Therapy is not comparable to Sports/travel. Kids should get therapies and tutoring and braces without it being a competition but each kid should get the same amount for a car, college, etc.

But using your logic and the need to "track what is spent" wouldn't you have a kid who says "you spent $40K on sibling and look at me, I didn't need any of that so give me my check"

Because if you raise your kids to expect "life is fair and it's dollar for dollar" they I'd expect them to do the above. I'd be embarrassed to have a kid who did that. Apparently you wouldn't.

OP here. My children understand that the world is not going to be fair to them but they know that their father is going to treat them equally and fairly, and that's my job as a father. Both DS#1 and DS#2 are comfortable with the decision that #2 gets his share because he receives an athletic scholarship. DW is not happy with it but she has to respect it because they need to be treated as adults. If #2 wants to split the money with #1, that's his choice (they are very tight with each other).

While I agree with your fairness concept, I would not give him money for school years he hasn’t finished yet.

God forbid he may lose his athletic scholarship, and the investment could tank. You seem to be able to take the loss, but then you’d have to give more to #1, and then it could never end

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally disagree that DS#2 should get the money. School is what it is and when all grad schools are over then split the leftover equally or pass down for grandchildren. Kids should never have been brought into the funding discussion unless there was a certain cost that could not have been supported. And I say this as a person whose parents paid for my sister #1 law school and sister #2 medical school. In any event, nice problem to have!

So you’re saying hard work don’t matter? It is extremely hard to get an athletic scholarship.

Agree. HOWEVER, it also likely took a lot of money from the parents into leagues, lessons, coaching, tournaments, and travel. So, if they wanted to peel some off or divvy it up differently, that could count imo. And #2 is not worse off by not getting it if he goes to school on full scholarship. He just wants or feels entitled to have it bc he gave the parents free tuition. But again, he got that free tuition in large part b/c of the opportunities their money provided. (I'm going through this now and my DC doesn't play at the level to be recruited by a school like UCLA. And it costs a lot just to keep DC competitive at the level we are at.)

I don't know where I come out on this one, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My wife and I got on the zoom call yesterday with both DS#1 and DS#2 and we agreed to put this to a vote. The result was 3 to 1 with my wife being the lone dissenter. I will invest 350K for DS#2 and he will get access to that money after graduation. DW is still not happy with the outcome but oh well. She didn't think that #1 would go against her but he did. I am happy and it is time to do something fun.

I hope you’re a troll, if not you’re in a truly abusive family situation— your son gets an “equal vote” to your wife, whose money this actually is? You reward a child not speaking to his mother for “months” with a $350k payout?

This is why there should be a test before people get to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My wife and I got on the zoom call yesterday with both DS#1 and DS#2 and we agreed to put this to a vote. The result was 3 to 1 with my wife being the lone dissenter. I will invest 350K for DS#2 and he will get access to that money after graduation. DW is still not happy with the outcome but oh well. She didn't think that #1 would go against her but he did. I am happy and it is time to do something fun.

I hope you’re a troll, if not you’re in a truly abusive family situation— your son gets an “equal vote” to your wife, whose money this actually is? You reward a child not speaking to his mother for “months” with a $350k payout?

This is why there should be a test before people get to have children.

This is OP. I think what my wife did is wrong. If DS#1 thinks DS#2 should get that 350K, maybe more from wise investment, AFTER graduation, I am perfectly ok with that. They are adults and must be treated as such. DS#1 has been saying to DW that she is wrong but she is a stubborn woman. She still thinks they are like ten years old kids. Hopefully, she will come around.

[Anonymous]

Wow, putting it to a vote is remarkably stupid. The decision is up to the parents and not the privileged children. You have now alienated the only other person with a real say in this decision and that is your wife. This is not as issue I would go to war for and if my wife was a strong no I would not declare veto power. If the vote had gone 2 and 2 what would you have done? If one son voted yes and the other no you could have turned one against the other. Why risk it? Now you have pissed off your wife and possibly turned your sons against her because she voted no. Congratulations! Have a nice weekend!

[Anonymous]

One graduated public school and is on to a great school with merit scholarship. Their entire school k-undergrad cost us $140k. Second child spent 4 years of HS in private (over $200k) and is applying to a variety of colleges, public and private, some cost over $80k per year (so potentially over $320k). That's what child number two needs - the large public HS didn't work for their needs.

We are not going to give child #1 cash because child #2 had different needs. You pay for what your child needs, it's not a contest between them to keep score and make sure it's even. You are setting them up for a life-long rivalry

[Anonymous]

What we did starting early on was put equal and large amounts into 529 plans. One used it all for college and med school. The other two went to less expensive colleges and did not go to grad school so a lot was left over in their 529 plans. They will be able to use what’s leftover to help pay for their kids schooling. I’m confident they believe we treated them fairly. If OP had done this he would have avoided family turmoil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One graduated public school and is on to a great school with merit scholarship. Their entire school k-undergrad cost us $140k. Second child spent 4 years of HS in private (over $200k) and is applying to a variety of colleges, public and private, some cost over $80k per year (so potentially over $320k). That's what child number two needs - the large public HS didn't work for their needs.

We are not going to give child #1 cash because child #2 had different needs. You pay for what your child needs, it's not a contest between them to keep score and make sure it's even. You are setting them up for a life-long rivalry

NP. You're creating life-long rivalry by treating them differently. You think you are treating them fairly from your perspective but not from theirs. Ofcourse, it is your money and you can do it however you want but it comes at the cost of the relationship with your children. You have to decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One graduated public school and is on to a great school with merit scholarship. Their entire school k-undergrad cost us $140k. Second child spent 4 years of HS in private (over $200k) and is applying to a variety of colleges, public and private, some cost over $80k per year (so potentially over $320k). That's what child number two needs - the large public HS didn't work for their needs.

We are not going to give child #1 cash because child #2 had different needs. You pay for what your child needs, it's not a contest between them to keep score and make sure it's even. You are setting them up for a life-long rivalry

+1000

You pay for what your kids need at each opportunity in life. I simply cannot imagine raising kids who "keep track of finances" that their other siblings are getting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One graduated public school and is on to a great school with merit scholarship. Their entire school k-undergrad cost us $140k. Second child spent 4 years of HS in private (over $200k) and is applying to a variety of colleges, public and private, some cost over $80k per year (so potentially over $320k). That's what child number two needs - the large public HS didn't work for their needs.

We are not going to give child #1 cash because child #2 had different needs. You pay for what your child needs, it's not a contest between them to keep score and make sure it's even. You are setting them up for a life-long rivalry

NP. You're creating life-long rivalry by treating them differently. You think you are treating them fairly from your perspective but not from theirs. Ofcourse, it is your money and you can do it however you want but it comes at the cost of the relationship with your children. You have to decide.

Only if you have raise entitled brats. What normal 20 yo thinks---hey, my sibling got private HS for their learning disabilities, but I went to public HS, so where's my $100K?