college children and money

[Anonymous]

I don't see the issue with DS2 getting all the money. My parents gave us an equal amount allotted for college and grad school. I spent it all on college, there wasn't enough for my grad school. My brother got scholarships for college and my parents gave him the rest of the allotted amount after graduation from grad school as he had some left over. My sister spent it all on undergrad and never went to grad school.

Each kid gets the same amount and that's fair. If you don't split equally among children, including in your will, there is resentment.

[Anonymous]

Your son is an entitled brat. Send him a bill for all the money you spent on sports that allowed him to earn that scholarship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One graduated public school and is on to a great school with merit scholarship. Their entire school k-undergrad cost us $140k. Second child spent 4 years of HS in private (over $200k) and is applying to a variety of colleges, public and private, some cost over $80k per year (so potentially over $320k). That's what child number two needs - the large public HS didn't work for their needs.

We are not going to give child #1 cash because child #2 had different needs. You pay for what your child needs, it's not a contest between them to keep score and make sure it's even. You are setting them up for a life-long rivalry

NP. You're creating life-long rivalry by treating them differently. You think you are treating them fairly from your perspective but not from theirs. Ofcourse, it is your money and you can do it however you want but it comes at the cost of the relationship with your children. You have to decide.

Only if you have raise entitled brats. What normal 20 yo thinks---hey, my sibling got private HS for their learning disabilities, but I went to public HS, so where's my $100K?

That is not equal. Learning disabilities is a separate issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One graduated public school and is on to a great school with merit scholarship. Their entire school k-undergrad cost us $140k. Second child spent 4 years of HS in private (over $200k) and is applying to a variety of colleges, public and private, some cost over $80k per year (so potentially over $320k). That's what child number two needs - the large public HS didn't work for their needs.

We are not going to give child #1 cash because child #2 had different needs. You pay for what your child needs, it's not a contest between them to keep score and make sure it's even. You are setting them up for a life-long rivalry

NP. You're creating life-long rivalry by treating them differently. You think you are treating them fairly from your perspective but not from theirs. Ofcourse, it is your money and you can do it however you want but it comes at the cost of the relationship with your children. You have to decide.

Only if you have raise entitled brats. What normal 20 yo thinks---hey, my sibling got private HS for their learning disabilities, but I went to public HS, so where's my $100K?

That is not equal. Learning disabilities is a separate issue.

That's the entire point! There are reasons for everything, and it's a sad life if your kids are raised to think they need to keep track of every $$ spent on them and their siblings.

As long as the parents are willing to spend on travel sports for all kids (and don't just self select one) or music or whatever tutoring/medical care/etc the kids need, they are provided for. The kids each get exactly what they need in their life. If a kid doesn't want to do an expensive sport in MS/HS they are not entitled to extra money. Likewise, if one kid gets a 5 year old car because that's what is available when they start driving and the next kid gets a new one (because hey the older kid got the 5 year old family car), the first kid is not entitled to extra money. Sure if you want you can help when they need a new car, but I cannot imagine my kids complaining that they did not get a new car and sibling X did. My kids are grateful that they got a good car to drive and don't have a car payment when they graduate college. Because they were raised to not be entitled brats.

fyi--in our family the one who got the 5 yo car also went to college that only cost $40K after merit, the other 2 are attending $80K+ universities. First kid is not asking for "the difference". They are just happy they don't have student loan payments like most of their friends do. They plan to drive that "older car" until it has 200K+ miles on it (and that would be another 5+ years). They do know if they ever want to attend grad school we will pay, but it's not likely anytime soon. Yet they are not asking for the difference between them and their siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son is an entitled brat. Send him a bill for all the money you spent on sports that allowed him to earn that scholarship.

According to OP, he spent the same on both kids when they were young from what I read in the thread, on music with the first kid and sport on the second kid. No issue with the second kid get his bag after graduation. That’s fair, IMO.

[Anonymous]

My kids (who also have unequal amounts remaining) can keep their leftover 529 money for grad school or their future children. I would not withdraw it and give it to them.

[Anonymous]

We didn't save for our kids' educations so they could go to colleges that cost X dollars a year for Y number of years. We saved so each one could go to the college that was right for them.

When we go to the movies or out to dinner, we don't give the cost of the movie or the meal to a kid who decided to stay home. We don't give $10 to the kid who came to dinner but didn't have dessert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids (who also have unequal amounts remaining) can keep their leftover 529 money for grad school or their future children. I would not withdraw it and give it to them.

we actually saved differing amounts in the 529s. By late ES/early MS it was apparent the oldest was not going to be attending an $80K+/year school. They are smart but have learning issues and simply not a striver/hated school. They are 80-85% academically, not 98/99% like our next kid is. So we saved for $50-60K/year, which would cover most OOS publics and most privates they would likely want to attend. Kid then got good merit (even a 3.5/1200 can get good merit at good schools) and only cost us $40K/year. So they have money left and it will stay there for any future grad school and for their future kids)
Next kid it was obvious early on that they might be able/want to attend an $80K+ university. So we added more to their 529. Turns out we were right. They are full pay at a T40. We will use up their 529 for undergrad.

Know what? Neither kid cares who got what. They are just appreciative they do not have loans/don not have to contribute to college---they see how difficult it is for some of their friends. They know they wont' be burdened by student loans upon graduation

[Anonymous]

This is so stupid. My youngest kid got into a better school my oldest kid. Given an 8 year gap and rising tuition plus better school I will spend double the on youngest.

Why would I cut a check to oldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Each child gets the share that was planned for them or what's left of their share. There is no transfer of one fund to the other. That would be terribly unfair, since there was no discussion prior to enrollment that a transfer might be a possibility should one of them receive a scholarship.

In the future, everyone needs to understand that big money questions need to be fully explored, and things need to be spelled out on paper. No verbal agreement that some then conveniently forget. Since it's family, and contracts are probably not enforceable, a written honor agreement should suffice.

OMG. No! What in the world?! Kids are not entitled to "full exploration" and "things spelled out on paper" of their parents' money. Absolutely not.

That’s why at least one of your kids will resent you in adulthood.

Kids want to be treated fairly. They know the world isn’t fair. Their parents should be.

Kids are treated fairly, each one gets exactly what they need at that point in their life. For one it might be PT/OT/Tutoring/therapy for 5-6 years when young, for another it might be intensive sports from early age with travel/competitions/etc, for another it might involve braces. All of our kids had a car to drive once they had a license, but sometimes it was a different car--one had a 5 yo car, another had a brand new car at 17 because the older sibling took the older/kid car to college. Each kid can go to the best college for them, if it's $90K/year for each kid we will fund it. If one wants to go to med school or grad school or law school we will fund that. if the other kid doesn't want to do that, we as parents will decide what we might do for them, but it's not a guaranteed $ for $ of what we pay for grad school for the other. However if that kid decides to attend graduate school of some type we will pay, and if they come to us and say "we want to start a company and need feeder money we would consider helping if the idea is sound.

We will likely help all kids with a downpayment when the time comes, but the one who goes to the cheaper college is not entitled to extra money later. We haven't kept a spreadsheet since the kids were little with what we spent, and we don't plan to start now that they are in college and beyond.

Actually that's no tiara. OT/PT/Tutoring/Therapy is not comparable to Sports/travel. Kids should get therapies and tutoring and braces without it being a competition but each kid should get the same amount for a car, college, etc.

But using your logic and the need to "track what is spent" wouldn't you have a kid who says "you spent $40K on sibling and look at me, I didn't need any of that so give me my check"

Because if you raise your kids to expect "life is fair and it's dollar for dollar" they I'd expect them to do the above. I'd be embarrassed to have a kid who did that. Apparently you wouldn't.

OP here. My children understand that the world is not going to be fair to them but they know that their father is going to treat them equally and fairly, and that's my job as a father. Both DS#1 and DS#2 are comfortable with the decision that #2 gets his share because he receives an athletic scholarship. DW is not happy with it but she has to respect it because they need to be treated as adults. If #2 wants to split the money with #1, that's his choice (they are very tight with each other).

Fortunately we don't live in a Stepford world because being married to you would get old quickly.

Agreed - you want to treat your sons like adults, but not your wife. A decision like this should be mutual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Each child gets the share that was planned for them or what's left of their share. There is no transfer of one fund to the other. That would be terribly unfair, since there was no discussion prior to enrollment that a transfer might be a possibility should one of them receive a scholarship.

In the future, everyone needs to understand that big money questions need to be fully explored, and things need to be spelled out on paper. No verbal agreement that some then conveniently forget. Since it's family, and contracts are probably not enforceable, a written honor agreement should suffice.

OMG. No! What in the world?! Kids are not entitled to "full exploration" and "things spelled out on paper" of their parents' money. Absolutely not.

That’s why at least one of your kids will resent you in adulthood.

Kids want to be treated fairly. They know the world isn’t fair. Their parents should be.

Kids are treated fairly, each one gets exactly what they need at that point in their life. For one it might be PT/OT/Tutoring/therapy for 5-6 years when young, for another it might be intensive sports from early age with travel/competitions/etc, for another it might involve braces. All of our kids had a car to drive once they had a license, but sometimes it was a different car--one had a 5 yo car, another had a brand new car at 17 because the older sibling took the older/kid car to college. Each kid can go to the best college for them, if it's $90K/year for each kid we will fund it. If one wants to go to med school or grad school or law school we will fund that. if the other kid doesn't want to do that, we as parents will decide what we might do for them, but it's not a guaranteed $ for $ of what we pay for grad school for the other. However if that kid decides to attend graduate school of some type we will pay, and if they come to us and say "we want to start a company and need feeder money we would consider helping if the idea is sound.

We will likely help all kids with a downpayment when the time comes, but the one who goes to the cheaper college is not entitled to extra money later. We haven't kept a spreadsheet since the kids were little with what we spent, and we don't plan to start now that they are in college and beyond.

Actually that's no tiara. OT/PT/Tutoring/Therapy is not comparable to Sports/travel. Kids should get therapies and tutoring and braces without it being a competition but each kid should get the same amount for a car, college, etc.

But using your logic and the need to "track what is spent" wouldn't you have a kid who says "you spent $40K on sibling and look at me, I didn't need any of that so give me my check"

Because if you raise your kids to expect "life is fair and it's dollar for dollar" they I'd expect them to do the above. I'd be embarrassed to have a kid who did that. Apparently you wouldn't.

OP here. My children understand that the world is not going to be fair to them but they know that their father is going to treat them equally and fairly, and that's my job as a father. Both DS#1 and DS#2 are comfortable with the decision that #2 gets his share because he receives an athletic scholarship. DW is not happy with it but she has to respect it because they need to be treated as adults. If #2 wants to split the money with #1, that's his choice (they are very tight with each other).

Fortunately we don't live in a Stepford world because being married to you would get old quickly.

Agreed - you want to treat your sons like adults, but not your wife. A decision like this should be mutual.

Everyone gets a vote, what is not fair about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Each child gets the share that was planned for them or what's left of their share. There is no transfer of one fund to the other. That would be terribly unfair, since there was no discussion prior to enrollment that a transfer might be a possibility should one of them receive a scholarship.

In the future, everyone needs to understand that big money questions need to be fully explored, and things need to be spelled out on paper. No verbal agreement that some then conveniently forget. Since it's family, and contracts are probably not enforceable, a written honor agreement should suffice.

OMG. No! What in the world?! Kids are not entitled to "full exploration" and "things spelled out on paper" of their parents' money. Absolutely not.

That’s why at least one of your kids will resent you in adulthood.

Kids want to be treated fairly. They know the world isn’t fair. Their parents should be.

Kids are treated fairly, each one gets exactly what they need at that point in their life. For one it might be PT/OT/Tutoring/therapy for 5-6 years when young, for another it might be intensive sports from early age with travel/competitions/etc, for another it might involve braces. All of our kids had a car to drive once they had a license, but sometimes it was a different car--one had a 5 yo car, another had a brand new car at 17 because the older sibling took the older/kid car to college. Each kid can go to the best college for them, if it's $90K/year for each kid we will fund it. If one wants to go to med school or grad school or law school we will fund that. if the other kid doesn't want to do that, we as parents will decide what we might do for them, but it's not a guaranteed $ for $ of what we pay for grad school for the other. However if that kid decides to attend graduate school of some type we will pay, and if they come to us and say "we want to start a company and need feeder money we would consider helping if the idea is sound.

We will likely help all kids with a downpayment when the time comes, but the one who goes to the cheaper college is not entitled to extra money later. We haven't kept a spreadsheet since the kids were little with what we spent, and we don't plan to start now that they are in college and beyond.

Actually that's no tiara. OT/PT/Tutoring/Therapy is not comparable to Sports/travel. Kids should get therapies and tutoring and braces without it being a competition but each kid should get the same amount for a car, college, etc.

But using your logic and the need to "track what is spent" wouldn't you have a kid who says "you spent $40K on sibling and look at me, I didn't need any of that so give me my check"

Because if you raise your kids to expect "life is fair and it's dollar for dollar" they I'd expect them to do the above. I'd be embarrassed to have a kid who did that. Apparently you wouldn't.

OP here. My children understand that the world is not going to be fair to them but they know that their father is going to treat them equally and fairly, and that's my job as a father. Both DS#1 and DS#2 are comfortable with the decision that #2 gets his share because he receives an athletic scholarship. DW is not happy with it but she has to respect it because they need to be treated as adults. If #2 wants to split the money with #1, that's his choice (they are very tight with each other).

Fortunately we don't live in a Stepford world because being married to you would get old quickly.

Agreed - you want to treat your sons like adults, but not your wife. A decision like this should be mutual.

Everyone gets a vote, what is not fair about it?

Because the wife didn't marry the sons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother went to an Ivy and then to medical school and my parents paid for all of it. I went to a state school and graduated in 3.5 years and my parents paid for it. Do my parents owe me the difference? No f—-ing way! I got the education I wanted and so did he and I graduated debt free which many of my friends did not. The question for OP is where did this sense of entitlement/greed come from?

THIS. I had a 5 year degree and my sister had a 4 year degree. Because I was in undergrad for 5 years and my sister for 4, to make it "fair", my parents completely bankrolled her lifestyle for a year - paid for a luxury apartment, she didn't work at all ... they paid for everything. Except she went to private school on no scholarships for a fluff degree and I went to public school on scholarships in an extremely hard major. They'd already paid more for her education, so it made NO sense.

20 years later and I'm still irritated about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Each child gets the share that was planned for them or what's left of their share. There is no transfer of one fund to the other. That would be terribly unfair, since there was no discussion prior to enrollment that a transfer might be a possibility should one of them receive a scholarship.

In the future, everyone needs to understand that big money questions need to be fully explored, and things need to be spelled out on paper. No verbal agreement that some then conveniently forget. Since it's family, and contracts are probably not enforceable, a written honor agreement should suffice.

OMG. No! What in the world?! Kids are not entitled to "full exploration" and "things spelled out on paper" of their parents' money. Absolutely not.

That’s why at least one of your kids will resent you in adulthood.

Kids want to be treated fairly. They know the world isn’t fair. Their parents should be.

Kids are treated fairly, each one gets exactly what they need at that point in their life. For one it might be PT/OT/Tutoring/therapy for 5-6 years when young, for another it might be intensive sports from early age with travel/competitions/etc, for another it might involve braces. All of our kids had a car to drive once they had a license, but sometimes it was a different car--one had a 5 yo car, another had a brand new car at 17 because the older sibling took the older/kid car to college. Each kid can go to the best college for them, if it's $90K/year for each kid we will fund it. If one wants to go to med school or grad school or law school we will fund that. if the other kid doesn't want to do that, we as parents will decide what we might do for them, but it's not a guaranteed $ for $ of what we pay for grad school for the other. However if that kid decides to attend graduate school of some type we will pay, and if they come to us and say "we want to start a company and need feeder money we would consider helping if the idea is sound.

We will likely help all kids with a downpayment when the time comes, but the one who goes to the cheaper college is not entitled to extra money later. We haven't kept a spreadsheet since the kids were little with what we spent, and we don't plan to start now that they are in college and beyond.

Actually that's no tiara. OT/PT/Tutoring/Therapy is not comparable to Sports/travel. Kids should get therapies and tutoring and braces without it being a competition but each kid should get the same amount for a car, college, etc.

But using your logic and the need to "track what is spent" wouldn't you have a kid who says "you spent $40K on sibling and look at me, I didn't need any of that so give me my check"

Because if you raise your kids to expect "life is fair and it's dollar for dollar" they I'd expect them to do the above. I'd be embarrassed to have a kid who did that. Apparently you wouldn't.

OP here. My children understand that the world is not going to be fair to them but they know that their father is going to treat them equally and fairly, and that's my job as a father. Both DS#1 and DS#2 are comfortable with the decision that #2 gets his share because he receives an athletic scholarship. DW is not happy with it but she has to respect it because they need to be treated as adults. If #2 wants to split the money with #1, that's his choice (they are very tight with each other).

Fortunately we don't live in a Stepford world because being married to you would get old quickly.

Agreed - you want to treat your sons like adults, but not your wife. A decision like this should be mutual.

Everyone gets a vote, what is not fair about it?

If this works for OP, great but not how many (most?) families operate. Happy to take input from my kids, especially as they got older, but all financial decisions of what to do with the money my DH and I earned, saved, spent - the kids don't get a vote. They got votes on things like what to order for dinner or what movie to watch. I saw that OP said his wife "agreed" to the family vote thinking she had the support of one son. Just not the world I want to live in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this works for OP, great but not how many (most?) families operate. Happy to take input from my kids, especially as they got older, but all financial decisions of what to do with the money my DH and I earned, saved, spent - the kids don't get a vote. They got votes on things like what to order for dinner or what movie to watch. I saw that OP said his wife "agreed" to the family vote thinking she had the support of one son. Just not the world I want to live in.

As parents, you have every rights to do whatever you want with your money. However, you must prepare to face the music if your children think they are not being treated fairly and not talking or having anything to do with you in the future. As parents, you have more to lose, IMHO.