college children and money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This. And it's not your DS1's fault that music scholarships are pretty rare and skimpy. You need to stop looking at the scholarship as the direct result of hard work. There are too many extrinsic factors and disparities.

And btw it's your DS2 and his entitled attitude that's causing turmoil. Not your wife's reasonable decision about what is ultimately THE PARENTS' MONEY AND NOT THE CHILDREN'S MONEY.

DS #1 has every right to choose music but he needs to realize that the scholarship for music is very rare while DS #2 chose a sport and it paid off handsomely with a full athletic scholarship. Should I pay someone with a degree in humanity the same salary as someone with a degree in Biomedical Engineering just because they both work equally hard?

Maybe. I would. It depends on your values as a parent and a person in society.

If you didn't make this clear to DS1 in advance, that isn't very fair or very good parenting.

Does society, in general, pay a humanities degree graduate and a biomedical engineering degree graduate the same salary even though they are both equally working hard? The answer is a NO.

DS #1 is allowed to choose music as his EC but he must understand that the probability of getting a music scholarship is slim to none while DS #2 picked a sport as an EC and ended up with a scholarship. You can penalize DS #2 for wanting that money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This. And it's not your DS1's fault that music scholarships are pretty rare and skimpy. You need to stop looking at the scholarship as the direct result of hard work. There are too many extrinsic factors and disparities.

And btw it's your DS2 and his entitled attitude that's causing turmoil. Not your wife's reasonable decision about what is ultimately THE PARENTS' MONEY AND NOT THE CHILDREN'S MONEY.

DS #1 has every right to choose music but he needs to realize that the scholarship for music is very rare while DS #2 chose a sport and it paid off handsomely with a full athletic scholarship. Should I pay someone with a degree in humanity the same salary as someone with a degree in Biomedical Engineering just because they both work equally hard?

Obviously not. However, this is not a job....this is the parents providing for each of their kids as Needed. I don't "love one of my kids more or provide more for them because I like them better"---I provide for each kid as the circumstances require---if the kid with learning disabilities needs tutoring/therapy, I provide that and I don't say "sorry you don't get a car when you graduate college because I had to pay for your therapies when you were younger but your sibling does get one"

In normal families, you do not keep track of what you spend on your kids, instead you provide for each kid as deemed necessary around your family budget.
Now to be fair, if one kid wanted medical school and the other only wants a BS/BA, then I'd probably help the 2nd kid with first car/house downpayment/etc if I had it. But not if the kid "demanded" it to the detriment of not talking to the sibling going to medical school simply because we are paying for med school---I would feel like I have failed as a parent if my kid was that entitled.

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting conundrum and a good reason to talk about it early. In my family, it’s not the kid’s money. We pay for college, as the parents. Athletic scholarships are fine but not required nor trigger a “refund” in that way. Neither does picking a less expensive college or not going to college, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This. And it's not your DS1's fault that music scholarships are pretty rare and skimpy. You need to stop looking at the scholarship as the direct result of hard work. There are too many extrinsic factors and disparities.

And btw it's your DS2 and his entitled attitude that's causing turmoil. Not your wife's reasonable decision about what is ultimately THE PARENTS' MONEY AND NOT THE CHILDREN'S MONEY.

DS #1 has every right to choose music but he needs to realize that the scholarship for music is very rare while DS #2 chose a sport and it paid off handsomely with a full athletic scholarship. Should I pay someone with a degree in humanity the same salary as someone with a degree in Biomedical Engineering just because they both work equally hard?

Maybe. I would. It depends on your values as a parent and a person in society.

If you didn't make this clear to DS1 in advance, that isn't very fair or very good parenting.

Does society, in general, pay a humanities degree graduate and a biomedical engineering degree graduate the same salary even though they are both equally working hard? The answer is a NO.

DS #1 is allowed to choose music as his EC but he must understand that the probability of getting a music scholarship is slim to none while DS #2 picked a sport as an EC and ended up with a scholarship. You can penalize DS #2 for wanting that money.

If OP feels that way, why did he not tell his children in advance, and why did he spend so much on music? It makes no sense.

I stand by my assertion that OP hates conflict and wants to give in to his entitled child. That's what this is about.

[Anonymous]

What a 1%er problem.

What an entitled asshat. Totally with DW here. Parents should provide what their kids need to the best of their ability. Given your wealthy position, it should be "college", not the contents of a 529 account.

[Anonymous]

What about ‘splitting the difference’ and giving child #2 the cash difference between the USC tuition and UCLA. So if USC is 90k and UCLA is 50k, give the child 40k times 4 years. Child one spent their lot on a more expensive school. You can split the remainder of the money down the middle after paying child #2 the difference in school tuition. Win-win for both children.

IMO, if a scholarship is earned in a sport, that is like having a full time job plus going to college as a full time student.

If OP is in dire need of the money, tell child #2 you are keeping the money and why. If not in dire need, come to a solution everyone can be happy with. Investing the money to grow it isn’t a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

I would not do anything, for awhile. for years. #2 especially needs to grow up and hopefully with more maturity, treat people better. Maybe you will give him the money. No reason, what so ever, you need to announce this now.

[Anonymous]

I agree that DS should get some of the money and also that he should be allowed to aggressively invest a portion of it. But his attitude that he should have access to all of it is concerning, as is the fact that he is literally not speaking to his mother because of it. Frankly, he sounds like an ass. As the other parent I would come down hard on him about his entitlement and attitude.

Our DS turned down his highest ranked school to go to a lower ranked one where he received considerable merit. His reasoning was that the higher ranked one wasn't worth the cost, and he is correct. He has asked us if he can have some of the money we saved but certainly isn't demanding anything. We've told him to present us with his investment plan and we'll consider. Also, we've told him if there are trips or activities he wants to do to ask us, since we now likely have the money to pay for them. He is fine with this.

[Anonymous]

I've hear of this in other families. One child gets medical school paid for, so other children want the same amount as a cash gift.

[Anonymous]

So DS#1 goes to USC and spends 90K while DS#2 has a full time job (playing a sport at a P5 school on an athletic scholarship is a full time job) in addition to not spending a single dime from the family. And yet, DCUM’ers are calling DS#2 a brat and entitled kid. WTF!!!

[Anonymous]

You set aside an amount for each of them. If one doesn't use it all, they should not be forced to give it to their sibling. If the older one gets more for college, he shouldn't get more overall. My parents gave my older sibling a lot more and all three were petty and nasty about it and it caused a huge rift.

[Anonymous]

Each kid gets $550K. How they choose to spend it is their choice. Because Son#1 chooses to spend it all, does not mean because Son #2 doesn't, that Son #2 should give 1/2 to his brother. It means son #1 should have spent his money more wisely and stop being greedy. Why should son #1 get more. They should get equal. I will never speak to my sibling again over money. Fair is each gets the same amount and they need to understand how they spend it impacts later choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So DS#1 goes to USC and spends 90K while DS#2 has a full time job (playing a sport at a P5 school on an athletic scholarship is a full time job) in addition to not spending a single dime from the family. And yet, DCUM’ers are calling DS#2 a brat and entitled kid. WTF!!!

It's because he's letting it interfere with his relationship with his brother. A mature person would not do that. It isn't DS1's decision anyway yet DS2 is taking it out on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting conundrum and a good reason to talk about it early. In my family, it’s not the kid’s money. We pay for college, as the parents. Athletic scholarships are fine but not required nor trigger a “refund” in that way. Neither does picking a less expensive college or not going to college, etc.

100%

[Anonymous]

Some people would argue that a parent should give less to a kid who earns more and less to a kid who earns more. I think unless other kids agree to it, its a bit unfair.