college children and money

[Anonymous]

This has got to be a troll post. How does one parent in such a way that a kid thinks he's entitled to the balance of the 529 his parents set up for education?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS#1 goes to USC and spends 90K while DS#2 has a full time job (playing a sport at a P5 school on an athletic scholarship is a full time job) in addition to not spending a single dime from the family. And yet, DCUM’ers are calling DS#2 a brat and entitled kid. WTF!!!

It's because he's letting it interfere with his relationship with his brother. A mature person would not do that. It isn't DS1's decision anyway yet DS2 is taking it out on him.

Each kid has the same amount of money. One child should not get to demand and get their siblings money because they spent all of theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think #2 is being a selfish, self-centered, naive, oblivious little baby. Yes he worked hard, great, but there are a LOT of factors in addition. He didn't earn his natural endowment of talent, it's happenstance that he didn't get an injury or illness that sidelined him, it's happenstance that he had a good team to play on and good coaches. It's happenstance that he had a good day in his sport the day the scout was visiting, or whatever-- athletic scholarships can be pretty arbitrary across similarly situated kids. Your son had a lot of good luck and support from others and you need to open his eyes to that. And YES, definitely claw back all of the money you invested in his sport, with the value of money over time.

No way would I give a young adult $350K for any reason at all. And especially someone who's showing such a lack of maturity. If he's fool enough to throw away a sibling relationship over this, the best gift you could give him is a big fat reality check.

OP here and it is somewhat complicated.  We spent around 20k per year for DS #1 piano and violin activities such as lessons, competitions and cost of travel.  We spent about 25k per year for DS #2 with his sports activities.  DS #1 also has an 80K Steinway piano and 20K violin.  You can say that DS #1 had it better than DS #2.  As a dad, I am comfortable in giving DS #2 his share of the money 350K, probably more by the time he graduates from investment, because he receives the athletic scholarship for his hard work.  Unfortunately, DW doesn't think the same way and it is causing a rift between mother and son.  DS #1 does not have any issues with DS #2 getting that money.  Our family is very transparent about finances.

Btw, I do understand that getting an academic scholarship, even without room and board, is extremely hard; however, getting an athletic scholarship with free tuition, room/board, and stipend, is even harder, right?  There are not many of them available.

Wow, rich people sure have a lot of problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think #2 is being a selfish, self-centered, naive, oblivious little baby. Yes he worked hard, great, but there are a LOT of factors in addition. He didn't earn his natural endowment of talent, it's happenstance that he didn't get an injury or illness that sidelined him, it's happenstance that he had a good team to play on and good coaches. It's happenstance that he had a good day in his sport the day the scout was visiting, or whatever-- athletic scholarships can be pretty arbitrary across similarly situated kids. Your son had a lot of good luck and support from others and you need to open his eyes to that. And YES, definitely claw back all of the money you invested in his sport, with the value of money over time.

No way would I give a young adult $350K for any reason at all. And especially someone who's showing such a lack of maturity. If he's fool enough to throw away a sibling relationship over this, the best gift you could give him is a big fat reality check.

OP here and it is somewhat complicated.  We spent around 20k per year for DS #1 piano and violin activities such as lessons, competitions and cost of travel.  We spent about 25k per year for DS #2 with his sports activities.  DS #1 also has an 80K Steinway piano and 20K violin.  You can say that DS #1 had it better than DS #2.  As a dad, I am comfortable in giving DS #2 his share of the money 350K, probably more by the time he graduates from investment, because he receives the athletic scholarship for his hard work.  Unfortunately, DW doesn't think the same way and it is causing a rift between mother and son.  DS #1 does not have any issues with DS #2 getting that money.  Our family is very transparent about finances.

Btw, I do understand that getting an academic scholarship, even without room and board, is extremely hard; however, getting an athletic scholarship with free tuition, room/board, and stipend, is even harder, right?  There are not many of them available.

Wow, rich people sure have a lot of problems.

Exactly. Each kid got the same before college but one got and $80k piano. If anything son two should not only get his full amount but also that $80k. Just tell your wife my mom was like her and my sister was the priority. We barely speak now and money is still a conflict even though she is still generous and helpful to my sister and has done nothing for me as the child who got less. Thankfully we don’t need anything but nor does my sister. But, after a recent event that put everything over the top, I’m done and will never see either of them again. My mom cause a huge rift over money and not treating us family and allowing my sister to treat me madly. Is that the future she wants for your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS #1 attends USC at 90K/yr (full pay) and DS #2 attends UCLA on an athletic scholarship as a recruited athlete. Each son has 350K in education fund for undergrad and 200K for grad school. DS #2 feels that because he works hard to get the athletic scholarship, he is entitled to the 350K after graduation, and he wants me to aggressively invest his 350K so that he will have a lot of more than 350K upon graduation. DW wants to split that 350K between two boys and DS #2 is not happy with that and it is causing turmoil between DS #2 and DW. They haven't talked to each other in almost three months. I happen to agree with DS #2 because they both should be treated the same way. Not sure how I am going to resolve this. Thoughts?

Wowwwwwww holy sh*t im sorry but you did something wrong raising your kids. The entitlement. Holy sh*t. WOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS #1 attends USC at 90K/yr (full pay) and DS #2 attends UCLA on an athletic scholarship as a recruited athlete. Each son has 350K in education fund for undergrad and 200K for grad school. DS #2 feels that because he works hard to get the athletic scholarship, he is entitled to the 350K after graduation, and he wants me to aggressively invest his 350K so that he will have a lot of more than 350K upon graduation. DW wants to split that 350K between two boys and DS #2 is not happy with that and it is causing turmoil between DS #2 and DW. They haven't talked to each other in almost three months. I happen to agree with DS #2 because they both should be treated the same way. Not sure how I am going to resolve this. Thoughts?

He shouldn't get the money before graduation. Or at least get the portion of the year that he finishes.

It seems that you are well off enough that it’s a matter of principle and not finances.

Explain to number 2 that you need to supervise that money until a certain age, let’s say 25, and only if you think he has a lot of maturing to do, but then treat them equally.

Now if these funds are necessary for youc
, depending on your particular situation, it could be a totally different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think #2 is being a selfish, self-centered, naive, oblivious little baby. Yes he worked hard, great, but there are a LOT of factors in addition. He didn't earn his natural endowment of talent, it's happenstance that he didn't get an injury or illness that sidelined him, it's happenstance that he had a good team to play on and good coaches. It's happenstance that he had a good day in his sport the day the scout was visiting, or whatever-- athletic scholarships can be pretty arbitrary across similarly situated kids. Your son had a lot of good luck and support from others and you need to open his eyes to that. And YES, definitely claw back all of the money you invested in his sport, with the value of money over time.

No way would I give a young adult $350K for any reason at all. And especially someone who's showing such a lack of maturity. If he's fool enough to throw away a sibling relationship over this, the best gift you could give him is a big fat reality check.

OP here and it is somewhat complicated.  We spent around 20k per year for DS #1 piano and violin activities such as lessons, competitions and cost of travel.  We spent about 25k per year for DS #2 with his sports activities.  DS #1 also has an 80K Steinway piano and 20K violin.  You can say that DS #1 had it better than DS #2.  As a dad, I am comfortable in giving DS #2 his share of the money 350K, probably more by the time he graduates from investment, because he receives the athletic scholarship for his hard work.  Unfortunately, DW doesn't think the same way and it is causing a rift between mother and son.  DS #1 does not have any issues with DS #2 getting that money.  Our family is very transparent about finances.

Btw, I do understand that getting an academic scholarship, even without room and board, is extremely hard; however, getting an athletic scholarship with free tuition, room/board, and stipend, is even harder, right?  There are not many of them available.

There's nothing wrong with the kids here. You and your spouse need to have been on the same page and communicated the same things with your values and wishes. It is your money. We told our children that we would pay for Fancy School, or they could go to state school and we would split the leftover money. When my daughter asked what would happen if they had both chosen the money, but for whatever reason one had a full scholarship and the other didn't, what we would do. We decided we would then split the money. We viewed the funds for college as an investment in our children. If they thought they could do better at a cheaper school and invest the money, then we would let them. I think you have to decide what values you have in your family and communicate those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think #2 is being a selfish, self-centered, naive, oblivious little baby. Yes he worked hard, great, but there are a LOT of factors in addition. He didn't earn his natural endowment of talent, it's happenstance that he didn't get an injury or illness that sidelined him, it's happenstance that he had a good team to play on and good coaches. It's happenstance that he had a good day in his sport the day the scout was visiting, or whatever-- athletic scholarships can be pretty arbitrary across similarly situated kids. Your son had a lot of good luck and support from others and you need to open his eyes to that. And YES, definitely claw back all of the money you invested in his sport, with the value of money over time.

No way would I give a young adult $350K for any reason at all. And especially someone who's showing such a lack of maturity. If he's fool enough to throw away a sibling relationship over this, the best gift you could give him is a big fat reality check.

OP here and it is somewhat complicated.  We spent around 20k per year for DS #1 piano and violin activities such as lessons, competitions and cost of travel.  We spent about 25k per year for DS #2 with his sports activities.  DS #1 also has an 80K Steinway piano and 20K violin.  You can say that DS #1 had it better than DS #2.  As a dad, I am comfortable in giving DS #2 his share of the money 350K, probably more by the time he graduates from investment, because he receives the athletic scholarship for his hard work.  Unfortunately, DW doesn't think the same way and it is causing a rift between mother and son.  DS #1 does not have any issues with DS #2 getting that money.  Our family is very transparent about finances.

Btw, I do understand that getting an academic scholarship, even without room and board, is extremely hard; however, getting an athletic scholarship with free tuition, room/board, and stipend, is even harder, right?  There are not many of them available.

There's nothing wrong with the kids here. You and your spouse need to have been on the same page and communicated the same things with your values and wishes. It is your money. We told our children that we would pay for Fancy School, or they could go to state school and we would split the leftover money. When my daughter asked what would happen if they had both chosen the money, but for whatever reason one had a full scholarship and the other didn't, what we would do. We decided we would then split the money. We viewed the funds for college as an investment in our children. If they thought they could do better at a cheaper school and invest the money, then we would let them. I think you have to decide what values you have in your family and communicate those.

+1 to all this. You need to get on the same page and decide. If you are crowd sourcing opinions, I certainly don't agree with your plan. In my family, each kid gets what they need and we pay for what we think is appropriate with our money. One of our kids got a significant college scholarship, the other's college costs more. No way am I giving the difference to other kid. And I'm not going back to analyze how much I spent on kid #1's extra curricular activities as an offset. Maybe one of my kids will want graduate school, maybe not, we'll see what each kid needs and spend accordingly. But since this has been our way all along, neither kid is going to be upset about our choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think #2 is being a selfish, self-centered, naive, oblivious little baby. Yes he worked hard, great, but there are a LOT of factors in addition. He didn't earn his natural endowment of talent, it's happenstance that he didn't get an injury or illness that sidelined him, it's happenstance that he had a good team to play on and good coaches. It's happenstance that he had a good day in his sport the day the scout was visiting, or whatever-- athletic scholarships can be pretty arbitrary across similarly situated kids. Your son had a lot of good luck and support from others and you need to open his eyes to that. And YES, definitely claw back all of the money you invested in his sport, with the value of money over time.

No way would I give a young adult $350K for any reason at all. And especially someone who's showing such a lack of maturity. If he's fool enough to throw away a sibling relationship over this, the best gift you could give him is a big fat reality check.

OP here and it is somewhat complicated.  We spent around 20k per year for DS #1 piano and violin activities such as lessons, competitions and cost of travel.  We spent about 25k per year for DS #2 with his sports activities.  DS #1 also has an 80K Steinway piano and 20K violin.  You can say that DS #1 had it better than DS #2.  As a dad, I am comfortable in giving DS #2 his share of the money 350K, probably more by the time he graduates from investment, because he receives the athletic scholarship for his hard work.  Unfortunately, DW doesn't think the same way and it is causing a rift between mother and son.  DS #1 does not have any issues with DS #2 getting that money.  Our family is very transparent about finances.

Btw, I do understand that getting an academic scholarship, even without room and board, is extremely hard; however, getting an athletic scholarship with free tuition, room/board, and stipend, is even harder, right?  There are not many of them available.

There's nothing wrong with the kids here. You and your spouse need to have been on the same page and communicated the same things with your values and wishes. It is your money. We told our children that we would pay for Fancy School, or they could go to state school and we would split the leftover money. When my daughter asked what would happen if they had both chosen the money, but for whatever reason one had a full scholarship and the other didn't, what we would do. We decided we would then split the money. We viewed the funds for college as an investment in our children. If they thought they could do better at a cheaper school and invest the money, then we would let them. I think you have to decide what values you have in your family and communicate those.

+1 to all this. You need to get on the same page and decide. If you are crowd sourcing opinions, I certainly don't agree with your plan. In my family, each kid gets what they need and we pay for what we think is appropriate with our money. One of our kids got a significant college scholarship, the other's college costs more. No way am I giving the difference to other kid. And I'm not going back to analyze how much I spent on kid #1's extra curricular activities as an offset. Maybe one of my kids will want graduate school, maybe not, we'll see what each kid needs and spend accordingly. But since this has been our way all along, neither kid is going to be upset about our choices.

It is NOT about your kids. Do you even read the post? OP already set aside fund for grad school, 200k each.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So DS#1 goes to USC and spends 90K while DS#2 has a full time job (playing a sport at a P5 school on an athletic scholarship is a full time job) in addition to not spending a single dime from the family. And yet, DCUM’ers are calling DS#2 a brat and entitled kid. WTF!!!

Because kid #2 is acting like an entitled brat! Had he not gotten a sports scholarship, his parents would be paying fully for wherever he wanted to attend college. It's not his money to declare he just gets since they are not spending it. #2 is not talking to their sibling over this. THat's rude and entitled attitude.

Unless the parents specifically said "you have $x for college, anything you don't spend is yours" the kid is entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think #2 is being a selfish, self-centered, naive, oblivious little baby. Yes he worked hard, great, but there are a LOT of factors in addition. He didn't earn his natural endowment of talent, it's happenstance that he didn't get an injury or illness that sidelined him, it's happenstance that he had a good team to play on and good coaches. It's happenstance that he had a good day in his sport the day the scout was visiting, or whatever-- athletic scholarships can be pretty arbitrary across similarly situated kids. Your son had a lot of good luck and support from others and you need to open his eyes to that. And YES, definitely claw back all of the money you invested in his sport, with the value of money over time.

No way would I give a young adult $350K for any reason at all. And especially someone who's showing such a lack of maturity. If he's fool enough to throw away a sibling relationship over this, the best gift you could give him is a big fat reality check.

OP here and it is somewhat complicated.  We spent around 20k per year for DS #1 piano and violin activities such as lessons, competitions and cost of travel.  We spent about 25k per year for DS #2 with his sports activities.  DS #1 also has an 80K Steinway piano and 20K violin.  You can say that DS #1 had it better than DS #2.  As a dad, I am comfortable in giving DS #2 his share of the money 350K, probably more by the time he graduates from investment, because he receives the athletic scholarship for his hard work.  Unfortunately, DW doesn't think the same way and it is causing a rift between mother and son.  DS #1 does not have any issues with DS #2 getting that money.  Our family is very transparent about finances.

Btw, I do understand that getting an academic scholarship, even without room and board, is extremely hard; however, getting an athletic scholarship with free tuition, room/board, and stipend, is even harder, right?  There are not many of them available.

There's nothing wrong with the kids here. You and your spouse need to have been on the same page and communicated the same things with your values and wishes. It is your money. We told our children that we would pay for Fancy School, or they could go to state school and we would split the leftover money. When my daughter asked what would happen if they had both chosen the money, but for whatever reason one had a full scholarship and the other didn't, what we would do. We decided we would then split the money. We viewed the funds for college as an investment in our children. If they thought they could do better at a cheaper school and invest the money, then we would let them. I think you have to decide what values you have in your family and communicate those.

+1 to all this. You need to get on the same page and decide. If you are crowd sourcing opinions, I certainly don't agree with your plan. In my family, each kid gets what they need and we pay for what we think is appropriate with our money. One of our kids got a significant college scholarship, the other's college costs more. No way am I giving the difference to other kid. And I'm not going back to analyze how much I spent on kid #1's extra curricular activities as an offset. Maybe one of my kids will want graduate school, maybe not, we'll see what each kid needs and spend accordingly. But since this has been our way all along, neither kid is going to be upset about our choices.

+1

I'd be embarrassed to have a kid demanding the money is theirs. We take care of our kids and their needs since they were born, we don't keep an excel of how much we spent on each kid.
Life is not always fair and if you raise good kids, they wont be concerned about who "gets more money".

For example: we pay fully for all our kid's college. One cost $40K/year, the other is over $80K.
The one who went to cheaper college got a car to drive at 16 that was 3 years old, and upon college graduation that is their car (so a 9 yo car when it became theirs). The one who is spending $80K/year didn't "get their own car to drive" until age 17---because age 16 was covid so they were not going anywhere and their sibling was home from college, so if they needed to go somewhere they could share (it was the height of early covid---they weren't going anywhere) So they got a brand new (same model as the older sibling) at age 17. Thus, their car upon college graduation will be "newer and nicer" than their siblings. Do they care? No---the older is thrilled they have a great vehicle (it may be 9 yo but it has less than 75K miles on it) and dont have a car payment at all as they started out as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS#1 goes to USC and spends 90K while DS#2 has a full time job (playing a sport at a P5 school on an athletic scholarship is a full time job) in addition to not spending a single dime from the family. And yet, DCUM’ers are calling DS#2 a brat and entitled kid. WTF!!!

Because kid #2 is acting like an entitled brat! Had he not gotten a sports scholarship, his parents would be paying fully for wherever he wanted to attend college. It's not his money to declare he just gets since they are not spending it. #2 is not talking to their sibling over this. THat's rude and entitled attitude.

Unless the parents specifically said "you have $x for college, anything you don't spend is yours" the kid is entitled.

By not giving money to #2, you’re essentially telling him that hard work doesn’t matter and all of his hard work in getting the athletic scholarship do not matter. Yes, life is not fair but parents need to treat both kids evenly, especially with money. If #2 wants to share that money with #1, that’s up to him, not the parents. Of course, it is the parents money and they can do whatever they want, but it is a two way relationship and #2 is within his right not to speak to his mother because of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS#1 goes to USC and spends 90K while DS#2 has a full time job (playing a sport at a P5 school on an athletic scholarship is a full time job) in addition to not spending a single dime from the family. And yet, DCUM’ers are calling DS#2 a brat and entitled kid. WTF!!!

Because kid #2 is acting like an entitled brat! Had he not gotten a sports scholarship, his parents would be paying fully for wherever he wanted to attend college. It's not his money to declare he just gets since they are not spending it. #2 is not talking to their sibling over this. THat's rude and entitled attitude.

Unless the parents specifically said "you have $x for college, anything you don't spend is yours" the kid is entitled.

By not giving money to #2, you’re essentially telling him that hard work doesn’t matter and all of his hard work in getting the athletic scholarship do not matter. Yes, life is not fair but parents need to treat both kids evenly, especially with money. If #2 wants to share that money with #1, that’s up to him, not the parents. Of course, it is the parents money and they can do whatever they want, but it is a two way relationship and #2 is within his right not to speak to his mother because of this.

Wow---wouldn't want to live in your life. Where everything is about money and you are not capable of working hard unless you are rewarded monetarily.

If my kid stopped talking to me because I did not give them the rest of their "college fund" I would wonder where we had gone wrong raising such an entitled brat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
By not giving money to #2, you’re essentially telling him that hard work doesn’t matter and all of his hard work in getting the athletic scholarship do not matter. Yes, life is not fair but parents need to treat both kids evenly, especially with money. If #2 wants to share that money with #1, that’s up to him, not the parents. Of course, it is the parents money and they can do whatever they want, but it is a two way relationship and #2 is within his right not to speak to his mother because of this.

Wow---wouldn't want to live in your life. Where everything is about money and you are not capable of working hard unless you are rewarded monetarily.

If my kid stopped talking to me because I did not give them the rest of their "college fund" I would wonder where we had gone wrong raising such an entitled brat

Well, I work for Google and going by your logic, why would I work hard if I get paid the same salary as someone who is not, right?

As parents, I need to treat ALL of my kids fairly. In other words, I will divide my assets in 1/3 to each child. They can divide among themselves if one sibling should get more than the other, that's not my job. I hope I raise them well enough that they will do the right thing.

#2 is within his right to ask for that money that was set aside for his education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting conundrum and a good reason to talk about it early. In my family, it’s not the kid’s money. We pay for college, as the parents. Athletic scholarships are fine but not required nor trigger a “refund” in that way. Neither does picking a less expensive college or not going to college, etc.

This is interesting indeed. How about a child goes to a less expensive college in order to use the remaining funds for grad school? Where should we draw the line?