college children and money

[Anonymous]

My DS #1 attends USC at 90K/yr (full pay) and DS #2 attends UCLA on an athletic scholarship as a recruited athlete. Each son has 350K in education fund for undergrad and 200K for grad school. DS #2 feels that because he works hard to get the athletic scholarship, he is entitled to the 350K after graduation, and he wants me to aggressively invest his 350K so that he will have a lot of more than 350K upon graduation. DW wants to split that 350K between two boys and DS #2 is not happy with that and it is causing turmoil between DS #2 and DW. They haven't talked to each other in almost three months. I happen to agree with DS #2 because they both should be treated the same way. Not sure how I am going to resolve this. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I would not split it and I would also not aggressively invest it. Give it to him after graduation, once he is done with undergraduate.

I would keep the grad school money until either of them decides to go.

[Anonymous]

The kids shouldn’t know the details of your savings. It’s not their money. I think it’s crazy to give one son a huge sum of money! When the boys graduate they should be focused on getting jobs and working their way up the ladder.

In the immediate future I would focus on rebuilding your relationships. Take the family on some nice vacations a few times a year. Do this forever, even when the boys are married and have families. Make it your treat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids shouldn’t know the details of your savings. It’s not their money. I think it’s crazy to give one son a huge sum of money! When the boys graduate they should be focused on getting jobs and working their way up the ladder.

In the immediate future I would focus on rebuilding your relationships. Take the family on some nice vacations a few times a year. Do this forever, even when the boys are married and have families. Make it your treat.

I agree that money is yours. You earmarked it for certain purposes. Did you keep track of your expenses supporting #2 athletics over the years? If one has a big medical need you help with do you offer the other cash? What if one has kids and the other doesn't. Life is just not equal.

[Anonymous]

I totally disagree that DS#2 should get the money. School is what it is and when all grad schools are over then split the leftover equally or pass down for grandchildren. Kids should never have been brought into the funding discussion unless there was a certain cost that could not have been supported. And I say this as a person whose parents paid for my sister #1 law school and sister #2 medical school. In any event, nice problem to have!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally disagree that DS#2 should get the money. School is what it is and when all grad schools are over then split the leftover equally or pass down for grandchildren. Kids should never have been brought into the funding discussion unless there was a certain cost that could not have been supported. And I say this as a person whose parents paid for my sister #1 law school and sister #2 medical school. In any event, nice problem to have!

So you’re saying hard work don’t matter? It is extremely hard to get an athletic scholarship.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell them we’ll discuss it when they stop acting selfish and entitled.

[Anonymous]

In my house, we saved for education—not for an individual child. If one child’s school cost more than another, DH and I determined what would work. For an athletic kid, how much $$ did you spend on travel teams, trainers, overnight weekend travel and meals? What about the wear and tear on the car? Should the other child insist that you even up? You have an entitled kid on your hands that expects a handout. Fair is not always even.

[Anonymous]

My brother went to an Ivy and then to medical school and my parents paid for all of it. I went to a state school and graduated in 3.5 years and my parents paid for it. Do my parents owe me the difference? No f—-ing way! I got the education I wanted and so did he and I graduated debt free which many of my friends did not. The question for OP is where did this sense of entitlement/greed come from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids shouldn’t know the details of your savings. It’s not their money. I think it’s crazy to give one son a huge sum of money! When the boys graduate they should be focused on getting jobs and working their way up the ladder.

In the immediate future I would focus on rebuilding your relationships. Take the family on some nice vacations a few times a year. Do this forever, even when the boys are married and have families. Make it your treat.

I agree that money is yours. You earmarked it for certain purposes. Did you keep track of your expenses supporting #2 athletics over the years? If one has a big medical need you help with do you offer the other cash? What if one has kids and the other doesn't. Life is just not equal.

+1 the amount of time and money you dedicated to provide the opportunity to obtain that scholarship is being discounted by #2.

The money isn’t his, it’s yours.

Personally, I wouldn’t hand out the cash to anyone. I’d provide a certain amount to both children for down payments, a new car, etc. but that isn’t his money to dictate where it goes.

[Anonymous]

All of our dollars for education went into 529 plans. Two of our three kids did not use all of their 529 plan $ but they will be able to use the remainder for their own children. I agree with PP that you have a severe greed and entitlement issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my house, we saved for education—not for an individual child. If one child’s school cost more than another, DH and I determined what would work. For an athletic kid, how much $$ did you spend on travel teams, trainers, overnight weekend travel and meals? What about the wear and tear on the car? Should the other child insist that you even up? You have an entitled kid on your hands that expects a handout. Fair is not always even.

Curious… which kid in this situation do you think is entitled and wants a handout? The one spending 90k per year to go to USC who thinks they’re entitled to more money upon graduation? Or the one on an athletic scholarship who thinks they’re entitled to money upon graduation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally disagree that DS#2 should get the money. School is what it is and when all grad schools are over then split the leftover equally or pass down for grandchildren. Kids should never have been brought into the funding discussion unless there was a certain cost that could not have been supported. And I say this as a person whose parents paid for my sister #1 law school and sister #2 medical school. In any event, nice problem to have!

So you’re saying hard work don’t matter? It is extremely hard to get an athletic scholarship.

The other child probably worked really hard in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally disagree that DS#2 should get the money. School is what it is and when all grad schools are over then split the leftover equally or pass down for grandchildren. Kids should never have been brought into the funding discussion unless there was a certain cost that could not have been supported. And I say this as a person whose parents paid for my sister #1 law school and sister #2 medical school. In any event, nice problem to have!

So you’re saying hard work don’t matter? It is extremely hard to get an athletic scholarship.

The other child probably worked really hard in other ways.

But that didn’t translate into a scholarship. Results matter.

[Anonymous]

[list]

Anonymous wrote:In my house, we saved for education—not for an individual child. If one child’s school cost more than another, DH and I determined what would work. For an athletic kid, how much $$ did you spend on travel teams, trainers, overnight weekend travel and meals? What about the wear and tear on the car? Should the other child insist that you even up? You have an entitled kid on your hands that expects a handout. Fair is not always even.

Would you be ok if he turns down the athletic scholarship and attends USC at 90K per year for the next four years?