Disagree over where to spend Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a responsibility to your kids. Taking them someplace they’re largely ignored and seems like weak parenting to me. I’m assuming your side has cousins etc?

I think you have a choice between two awkward conversations— “MIL/FIL we’ll see you for thanksgiving dinner but we’ll be staying in *closest town with something legitimately fun or enriching for your children*” or “We’re so sorry you can join us this year! Let’s try to get together for MLK weekend”

It really is ok if children aren’t the center of attention. It doesn’t mean they aren’t loved and cared for. It’s not weak parenting to have the children spend the holiday with their elderly grandparents!

Seriously. Thirty-five years from now op will be alone on Thanksgiving wondering why her kids won’t bring the grandkids for a visit. You reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Your kids have to endure one weekend where it's not all about them (or you).

All 3 of you need to grow up.

Or alternatively the ILs have to endure an occasional Thanksgiving without OP and her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is an only child and has a tiny family - he has no cousins (his mom also has no siblings and his dad has a sibling who never married or had kids). DH’s family is Jewish, so we fell into a groove spending Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine. Prior to COVID they used to host a big dinner with 20-25 people which included some of their close friends and their kids, and eventually all the grandkids. It was loud and fun. However, post-COVID, Thanksgiving became much smaller and now just includes DH’s parents and aunt (ages 79-82). Honestly, it’s not fun at all for our kids as all they want to do is have typical grown up conversations at the table vs. engaging our 2 kids who are 4 and 8. Plus, they always want to host which means 4+ hours of travel for a pretty subdued weekend that frankly my kids find boring (parents just sit around reading the paper and there isn’t much to do where they live).

After doing that for the past two years, I would love to change things up. My parents have graciously invited DH’s parents and aunt to come to their house for Thanksgiving - they could stay with my parents and the only expense would be a flight (which DH offered for us to cover). I have 2 siblings who also have kids and many cousins with kids, so my kids always have the best time running around.

Of course DH’s parents said they don’t want to change the plans and come to my parents’ house - they don’t like to travel over holidays, and they said they think it will be a “zoo” which is not their style.

Obviously we aren’t going to leave DH’s parents alone with just his aunt, but I am annoyed they won’t even consider it. I have no choice but to suck it up and keep our current tradition going, right?

No don't suck it up. Go where you want to go. They have their Thanksgivings. You even graciously invited them.
I suppose in the past I would have said go because they are old but two old demanding women ( my mom and MIl) made me realize nothing is good enough and they are never happy. Make fun memories for your kids and if that is with your family than go for it!

Live your life. You aren't going to get an award for suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about visit the IL for Hanukkah or fall Jewish holidays, and then your family for Thanksgiving and Christmas?

If they aren’t religious those really are not the same as Thanksgiving.

Reading between the lines - these IL really cherish Thanksgiving. It would be pretty cruel to end that tradition just because the kids are a little bored.

Dp. How do you know the cherish the time with the grandkids? If they don't engage with them? My kids' grandparents like grandkids in theory but not the fact thst they are real people with thoughts, interests and opinions! That generation believed children should be seem and not heard. Well it is a different time! If grandparents don't act like they want to be with them why should anyone " suck" it up.

[Anonymous]

I never cease to be amazed by the number of people on this forum that seem to think kids should be catered to at all times. There are times adults are going to talk with them, and there's times the conversation is about something else. It's okay, it's really okay. The kids may learn something from listening to a conversation that's not about them.

Those kids who are constantly catered to are the ones who grow up to be adults who cannot have a conversation that doesn't revolve around them. They don't know how to ask questions about another person or discuss other topics.

The art of conversation is about a lot more than everyone being focused on little Johnny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a responsibility to your kids. Taking them someplace they’re largely ignored and seems like weak parenting to me. I’m assuming your side has cousins etc?

I think you have a choice between two awkward conversations— “MIL/FIL we’ll see you for thanksgiving dinner but we’ll be staying in *closest town with something legitimately fun or enriching for your children*” or “We’re so sorry you can join us this year! Let’s try to get together for MLK weekend”

It really is ok if children aren’t the center of attention. It doesn’t mean they aren’t loved and cared for. It’s not weak parenting to have the children spend the holiday with their elderly grandparents!

Seriously. Thirty-five years from now op will be alone on Thanksgiving wondering why her kids won’t bring the grandkids for a visit. You reap what you sow.

This is exactly it. I once read on here that if you want your kids to come home and be invested in your family once their adults you have to make it special and build traditions. It made a lot of sense and I have taken it to heart. If you force your kids to go to a boring Thanksgiving every year where they sit around and watch some 80 year olds read the newspaper don't be surprised when they suddenly start going home with friends when they get to college and want to spend the holidays with their ILs once they're married.

[Anonymous]

You get Xmas with your family. Just stick with the tradition.

I often ship some new toys to my parents house before we get there. We go to the mall together. There is a little zoo near my parents’ house. We go out to eat. The visit is for my parents, not my kids. My parents are almost 80.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plan some activities. Make some desserts. Build a big model. Play some games or puzzles. Go for a daily walk with a scavenger hunt. Bring bikes or scooters if you drive there. Adjust Christmas holiday things to autumn - make fall decorations or build a gingerbread house with fall colored candies.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a responsibility to your kids. Taking them someplace they’re largely ignored and seems like weak parenting to me. I’m assuming your side has cousins etc?

I think you have a choice between two awkward conversations— “MIL/FIL we’ll see you for thanksgiving dinner but we’ll be staying in *closest town with something legitimately fun or enriching for your children*” or “We’re so sorry you can join us this year! Let’s try to get together for MLK weekend”

It really is ok if children aren’t the center of attention. It doesn’t mean they aren’t loved and cared for. It’s not weak parenting to have the children spend the holiday with their elderly grandparents!

Seriously. Thirty-five years from now op will be alone on Thanksgiving wondering why her kids won’t bring the grandkids for a visit. You reap what you sow.

This is exactly it. I once read on here that if you want your kids to come home and be invested in your family once their adults you have to make it special and build traditions. It made a lot of sense and I have taken it to heart. If you force your kids to go to a boring Thanksgiving every year where they sit around and watch some 80 year olds read the newspaper don't be surprised when they suddenly start going home with friends when they get to college and want to spend the holidays with their ILs once they're married.

Or, you always take them to the fun parties, leaving the elderly on their own. Once you are no longer as comfortable traveling, they will go straight to the party without you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a responsibility to your kids. Taking them someplace they’re largely ignored and seems like weak parenting to me. I’m assuming your side has cousins etc?

I think you have a choice between two awkward conversations— “MIL/FIL we’ll see you for thanksgiving dinner but we’ll be staying in *closest town with something legitimately fun or enriching for your children*” or “We’re so sorry you can join us this year! Let’s try to get together for MLK weekend”

It really is ok if children aren’t the center of attention. It doesn’t mean they aren’t loved and cared for. It’s not weak parenting to have the children spend the holiday with their elderly grandparents!

Seriously. Thirty-five years from now op will be alone on Thanksgiving wondering why her kids won’t bring the grandkids for a visit. You reap what you sow.

This is exactly it. I once read on here that if you want your kids to come home and be invested in your family once their adults you have to make it special and build traditions. It made a lot of sense and I have taken it to heart. If you force your kids to go to a boring Thanksgiving every year where they sit around and watch some 80 year olds read the newspaper don't be surprised when they suddenly start going home with friends when they get to college and want to spend the holidays with their ILs once they're married.

Read the post you are responding to again. You have fundamentally misunderstood it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can alternate Thanksgiving. Go to your parents’ home this year, and DH’s parents next year. I’m sure they’ll be disappointed, but it’s unfair of them not to be understanding.

Go and enjoy!

So, then they go to Jewish ILs for Christmas? Otherwise how is this fair? Why are all the American DILs posting on this forum, first class Ahole Beeches?

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely go to your parents. His parents have more than had their turn. Then having a small Thanksgiving with just an aunt is fine. It's sort of their choice since they had a small family and they were invited elsewhere.

I'd suggest rotating from here on out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a responsibility to your kids. Taking them someplace they’re largely ignored and seems like weak parenting to me. I’m assuming your side has cousins etc?

I think you have a choice between two awkward conversations— “MIL/FIL we’ll see you for thanksgiving dinner but we’ll be staying in *closest town with something legitimately fun or enriching for your children*” or “We’re so sorry you can join us this year! Let’s try to get together for MLK weekend”

It really is ok if children aren’t the center of attention. It doesn’t mean they aren’t loved and cared for. It’s not weak parenting to have the children spend the holiday with their elderly grandparents!

Seriously. Thirty-five years from now op will be alone on Thanksgiving wondering why her kids won’t bring the grandkids for a visit. You reap what you sow.

This is exactly it. I once read on here that if you want your kids to come home and be invested in your family once their adults you have to make it special and build traditions. It made a lot of sense and I have taken it to heart. If you force your kids to go to a boring Thanksgiving every year where they sit around and watch some 80 year olds read the newspaper don't be surprised when they suddenly start going home with friends when they get to college and want to spend the holidays with their ILs once they're married.

Your kids will go home with friends on Thanksgiving and spend the holidays with their ILs anyway. They will move away for jobs and partners. It's called having a life and not a reflection of how happy their childhood holidays were at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can alternate Thanksgiving. Go to your parents’ home this year, and DH’s parents next year. I’m sure they’ll be disappointed, but it’s unfair of them not to be understanding.

Go and enjoy!

So, then they go to Jewish ILs for Christmas? Otherwise how is this fair? Why are all the American DILs posting on this forum, first class Ahole Beeches?

Umm surely they're spending Jewish high holidays or maybe even Hannukah with the Jewish ILs?

What is wrong with rotating major holidays??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is an only child and has a tiny family - he has no cousins (his mom also has no siblings and his dad has a sibling who never married or had kids). DH’s family is Jewish, so we fell into a groove spending Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine. Prior to COVID they used to host a big dinner with 20-25 people which included some of their close friends and their kids, and eventually all the grandkids. It was loud and fun. However, post-COVID, Thanksgiving became much smaller and now just includes DH’s parents and aunt (ages 79-82). Honestly, it’s not fun at all for our kids as all they want to do is have typical grown up conversations at the table vs. engaging our 2 kids who are 4 and 8. Plus, they always want to host which means 4+ hours of travel for a pretty subdued weekend that frankly my kids find boring (parents just sit around reading the paper and there isn’t much to do where they live).

After doing that for the past two years, I would love to change things up. My parents have graciously invited DH’s parents and aunt to come to their house for Thanksgiving - they could stay with my parents and the only expense would be a flight (which DH offered for us to cover). I have 2 siblings who also have kids and many cousins with kids, so my kids always have the best time running around.

Of course DH’s parents said they don’t want to change the plans and come to my parents’ house - they don’t like to travel over holidays, and they said they think it will be a “zoo” which is not their style.

Obviously we aren’t going to leave DH’s parents alone with just his aunt, but I am annoyed they won’t even consider it. I have no choice but to suck it up and keep our current tradition going, right?

No don't suck it up. Go where you want to go. They have their Thanksgivings. You even graciously invited them.
I suppose in the past I would have said go because they are old but two old demanding women ( my mom and MIl) made me realize nothing is good enough and they are never happy. Make fun memories for your kids and if that is with your family than go for it!

Live your life. You aren't going to get an award for suffering.

Are you dumb? Is the OP you? Your family's dysfunction is not what the OP is venting about!

Also, both you mom and MIL are unhappy with you? The problem is you!!