Disagree over where to spend Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a responsibility to your kids. Taking them someplace they’re largely ignored and seems like weak parenting to me. I’m assuming your side has cousins etc?

I think you have a choice between two awkward conversations— “MIL/FIL we’ll see you for thanksgiving dinner but we’ll be staying in *closest town with something legitimately fun or enriching for your children*” or “We’re so sorry you can join us this year! Let’s try to get together for MLK weekend”

It really is ok if children aren’t the center of attention. It doesn’t mean they aren’t loved and cared for. It’s not weak parenting to have the children spend the holiday with their elderly grandparents!

Seriously. Thirty-five years from now op will be alone on Thanksgiving wondering why her kids won’t bring the grandkids for a visit. You reap what you sow.

This is exactly it. I once read on here that if you want your kids to come home and be invested in your family once their adults you have to make it special and build traditions. It made a lot of sense and I have taken it to heart. If you force your kids to go to a boring Thanksgiving every year where they sit around and watch some 80 year olds read the newspaper don't be surprised when they suddenly start going home with friends when they get to college and want to spend the holidays with their ILs once they're married.

Same. I go ALL OUT for holidays. This is my time to shine. I get 18 years of creating wonderful memories for my kids. I don't particularly care about future grandchildren, I care about my own little kids. This is why we don't rotate Christmas. People are welcome to visit us though! We both came from tiny families and our kids don't have cousins, so it's up to me to make it fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can alternate Thanksgiving. Go to your parents’ home this year, and DH’s parents next year. I’m sure they’ll be disappointed, but it’s unfair of them not to be understanding.

Go and enjoy!

So, then they go to Jewish ILs for Christmas? Otherwise how is this fair? Why are all the American DILs posting on this forum, first class Ahole Beeches?

Umm surely they're spending Jewish high holidays or maybe even Hannukah with the Jewish ILs?

What is wrong with rotating major holidays??

No, it does not seem so. But maybe they can spend every day of Hannukah with the ILs? I mean do you think the OP is the kind of person who will be spending Jewish high holidays with the ILs? She does not sound that well bred!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a responsibility to your kids. Taking them someplace they’re largely ignored and seems like weak parenting to me. I’m assuming your side has cousins etc?

I think you have a choice between two awkward conversations— “MIL/FIL we’ll see you for thanksgiving dinner but we’ll be staying in *closest town with something legitimately fun or enriching for your children*” or “We’re so sorry you can join us this year! Let’s try to get together for MLK weekend”

It really is ok if children aren’t the center of attention. It doesn’t mean they aren’t loved and cared for. It’s not weak parenting to have the children spend the holiday with their elderly grandparents!

Seriously. Thirty-five years from now op will be alone on Thanksgiving wondering why her kids won’t bring the grandkids for a visit. You reap what you sow.

This is exactly it. I once read on here that if you want your kids to come home and be invested in your family once their adults you have to make it special and build traditions. It made a lot of sense and I have taken it to heart. If you force your kids to go to a boring Thanksgiving every year where they sit around and watch some 80 year olds read the newspaper don't be surprised when they suddenly start going home with friends when they get to college and want to spend the holidays with their ILs once they're married.

Same. I go ALL OUT for holidays. This is my time to shine. I get 18 years of creating wonderful memories for my kids. I don't particularly care about future grandchildren, I care about my own little kids. This is why we don't rotate Christmas. People are welcome to visit us though! We both came from tiny families and our kids don't have cousins, so it's up to me to make it fun.

So sad. It shows that you came from a tiny family because you do not know what family means. Your time to shine?? LOL. What a Karen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can alternate Thanksgiving. Go to your parents’ home this year, and DH’s parents next year. I’m sure they’ll be disappointed, but it’s unfair of them not to be understanding.

Go and enjoy!

So, then they go to Jewish ILs for Christmas? Otherwise how is this fair? Why are all the American DILs posting on this forum, first class Ahole Beeches?

A family who does not celebrate Christmas does not automatically get to claim Thanksgiving for all time, how exactly is that fair? It’s not a choice between 2 holidays for them, they don’t celebrate the 2nd holiday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can alternate Thanksgiving. Go to your parents’ home this year, and DH’s parents next year. I’m sure they’ll be disappointed, but it’s unfair of them not to be understanding.

Go and enjoy!

So, then they go to Jewish ILs for Christmas? Otherwise how is this fair? Why are all the American DILs posting on this forum, first class Ahole Beeches?

Umm surely they're spending Jewish high holidays or maybe even Hannukah with the Jewish ILs?

What is wrong with rotating major holidays??

No, it does not seem so. But maybe they can spend every day of Hannukah with the ILs? I mean do you think the OP is the kind of person who will be spending Jewish high holidays with the ILs? She does not sound that well bred!

Jewish ILs don't live near OP so spending 8 days of Hanukkah (a minor holiday btw) and the Jewish high holidays would mean a lot more days off of work and school than four days of Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can alternate Thanksgiving. Go to your parents’ home this year, and DH’s parents next year. I’m sure they’ll be disappointed, but it’s unfair of them not to be understanding.

Go and enjoy!

So, then they go to Jewish ILs for Christmas? Otherwise how is this fair? Why are all the American DILs posting on this forum, first class Ahole Beeches?

A family who does not celebrate Christmas does not automatically get to claim Thanksgiving for all time, how exactly is that fair? It’s not a choice between 2 holidays for them, they don’t celebrate the 2nd holiday!

The answer is for OP and her spouse to host at their home and invite both parents to join them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can alternate Thanksgiving. Go to your parents’ home this year, and DH’s parents next year. I’m sure they’ll be disappointed, but it’s unfair of them not to be understanding.

Go and enjoy!

So, then they go to Jewish ILs for Christmas? Otherwise how is this fair? Why are all the American DILs posting on this forum, first class Ahole Beeches?

A family who does not celebrate Christmas does not automatically get to claim Thanksgiving for all time, how exactly is that fair? It’s not a choice between 2 holidays for them, they don’t celebrate the 2nd holiday!

I have a friend whose husband is an only child and celebrates Christmas. The wife’s family is local. The wife does not want to travel to DH’s family ever and the husband is resentful every holiday because he can’t spend it with his family. They will likely divorce.

They are one of the most uncompromising couples we know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can alternate Thanksgiving. Go to your parents’ home this year, and DH’s parents next year. I’m sure they’ll be disappointed, but it’s unfair of them not to be understanding.

Go and enjoy!

So, then they go to Jewish ILs for Christmas? Otherwise how is this fair? Why are all the American DILs posting on this forum, first class Ahole Beeches?

A family who does not celebrate Christmas does not automatically get to claim Thanksgiving for all time, how exactly is that fair? It’s not a choice between 2 holidays for them, they don’t celebrate the 2nd holiday!

I have a friend whose husband is an only child and celebrates Christmas. The wife’s family is local. The wife does not want to travel to DH’s family ever and the husband is resentful every holiday because he can’t spend it with his family. They will likely divorce.

They are one of the most uncompromising couples we know.

Ick, they both sound like pills. Divorce may be best.

[Anonymous]

I am concerned by the number of people who can't seem to distinguish between "making sure there will be something fun for the kids to do over the four days" and "catering to the children's every whim." Yes, kids need to learn to suck it up and to entertain themselves. But if you put me someplace where the people I was supposedly visiting didn't want to do anything with me, I'd go nuts.

I'm also trying to think of a place that is four hours away from here that is so isolated that there isn't anything kid-friendly to do, either there or within an hour's drive. And I say that as someone with relatives in the heart of Pennsyltucky.

[Anonymous]

You invited them, they said no. They should have understood that means they may not see you at Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a responsibility to your kids. Taking them someplace they’re largely ignored and seems like weak parenting to me. I’m assuming your side has cousins etc?

I think you have a choice between two awkward conversations— “MIL/FIL we’ll see you for thanksgiving dinner but we’ll be staying in *closest town with something legitimately fun or enriching for your children*” or “We’re so sorry you can join us this year! Let’s try to get together for MLK weekend”

It really is ok if children aren’t the center of attention. It doesn’t mean they aren’t loved and cared for. It’s not weak parenting to have the children spend the holiday with their elderly grandparents!

It’s also really OK if the children have a nice Thanksgiving, and every year doesn’t cater to the elderly. I think switching it up for a year and assessing how everyone does is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whats wrong with having them spend thanksgiving together with aunt? You invited them, they declined. You can still go to your parents. I dont see an issue with this.

I agree with this. Make sure to see them another time, but go to the fun Thanksgiving.

For sure. Family is only important when they're fun. Make sure they know that, too. "We know you love Thanksgiving, and you feel it's your holiday because we go to my parents' house for Christmas. But you're just a bunch of entitled, well I am not going to use the J word but I could. Why would you ever get any time with us in December? And more to the point you leave us SNOOZING. SNOOZING."

You really took a jump there. I just think it's ok to attend a different gathering at Thanksgiving. It seems like they can see the 3 elderly relatives at other times in the year. And I am assuming OP's family is gathering in a way that doesn't happen often either.

It's just turkey. It's ok to just do what makes you happy. I don't think 3 elderly people spending it together is the end of the world. In fact, we should all make our peace with the fact that we might have some quiet Thanksgivings as we age while our adult children juggle inlaws and cousins and travel etc.

[Anonymous]

Being all adults is fine. Not engaging with the kids is not.

My mother is ill and so obviously visiting her isn’t super “fun” for my daughter right now, but even so she still gets out the duplos, reads books, asks about school, sings songs etc. Using the leave to spend four days with bored kids sounds like a waste.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a responsibility to your kids. Taking them someplace they’re largely ignored and seems like weak parenting to me. I’m assuming your side has cousins etc?

I think you have a choice between two awkward conversations— “MIL/FIL we’ll see you for thanksgiving dinner but we’ll be staying in *closest town with something legitimately fun or enriching for your children*” or “We’re so sorry you can join us this year! Let’s try to get together for MLK weekend”

It really is ok if children aren’t the center of attention. It doesn’t mean they aren’t loved and cared for. It’s not weak parenting to have the children spend the holiday with their elderly grandparents!

Seriously. Thirty-five years from now op will be alone on Thanksgiving wondering why her kids won’t bring the grandkids for a visit. You reap what you sow.

This is exactly it. I once read on here that if you want your kids to come home and be invested in your family once their adults you have to make it special and build traditions. It made a lot of sense and I have taken it to heart. If you force your kids to go to a boring Thanksgiving every year where they sit around and watch some 80 year olds read the newspaper don't be surprised when they suddenly start going home with friends when they get to college and want to spend the holidays with their ILs once they're married.

Same. I go ALL OUT for holidays. This is my time to shine. I get 18 years of creating wonderful memories for my kids. I don't particularly care about future grandchildren, I care about my own little kids. This is why we don't rotate Christmas. People are welcome to visit us though! We both came from tiny families and our kids don't have cousins, so it's up to me to make it fun.

So sad. It shows that you came from a tiny family because you do not know what family means. Your time to shine?? LOL. What a Karen!

I don't think you know what "Karen" means, first of all. But start with a mirror.

Second of all, PP's statement may be a bit over-the-top in how it was stated but her position is the correct one. It's her family, her kids, her time to make memories with them. She's willing to pass the torch to her kids, which a LOT of grandparents are not willing to do. And all are welcome. That's exactly what family means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can alternate Thanksgiving. Go to your parents’ home this year, and DH’s parents next year. I’m sure they’ll be disappointed, but it’s unfair of them not to be understanding.

Go and enjoy!

So, then they go to Jewish ILs for Christmas? Otherwise how is this fair? Why are all the American DILs posting on this forum, first class Ahole Beeches?

Umm surely they're spending Jewish high holidays or maybe even Hannukah with the Jewish ILs?

What is wrong with rotating major holidays??

No, it does not seem so. But maybe they can spend every day of Hannukah with the ILs? I mean do you think the OP is the kind of person who will be spending Jewish high holidays with the ILs? She does not sound that well bred!

This is such BS. So now it’s her responsibility to facilitate her husband’s religious traditions? Seriously? Does a man have any responsibility or ownership in family life at all? Or is his only job to find a “well bred” wife to wait on him hand and foot and take over every ounce of emotional labor so he can relax.