Do you let your children call adults by their first names?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?

No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.

Many posters here are saying they prefer to be called by their first name. Why is it better for them to "uncomfortably" correct others, rather than for you to do so?

Giving someone permission to call you a more familiar name than what they've used is a standard thing to do if you're open to it, and it's well within anyone's purview to do in any conversation. Telling someone "you are addressing me in an inappropriately familiar manner" is a correction of behavior, not a boon. And doing it in front of the parent they are supposed to take instruction from, and in direct conflict with the instruction they were just given, is confusing for a small child and aggressively confrontational for the adults. Look how upset you all are to learn that an anonymous internet stranger finds it rude: but you want me to say "that's rude" to the parent and kid instead of moving on.

It's not rude for someone to call you by your name. It would (generally) be rude, however, for someone to continue calling you by a name after you've asked them to stop. That's not a confusing concept, even to a small child. Many kids have nicknames, so the idea that someone may have preferences for how they'd like to be called is not going to be foreign to a child.

But it sounds like you never asked them to use a different name.

Actually, in many cultures it is extremely rude to address people in a familiar manner without being given leave to do so.

We're not in such a culture. It is extremely common to address people by first names in social situations. You don't seem to have an issue with the mother calling you by your first name, so apparently you just want some people to show deference to you. Does that apply to darker-skinned individuals, too? Or perhaps those in lower castes?

America is made up of many cultures, much to your evident dismay. Also this weird coded racism where you try to imply I'm racist by assuming I'm Indian is just really special. DCUM at its DCUMiest.

Yet you're still assuming everyone should just know to follow your cultural norms, to the point that you're dismayed by the suggestion that you ought to tell others what names and titles you'd like different groups of people to use when talking to you.

No, you're projecting. I said from the very first post that the kid is doing nothing wrong, and that different families have different rules. You're just furious that the way you're telling your kids to behave doesn't read as "great manners" to everyone they're interacting with that you're defensively lashing out. I'm not going to correct your kids or cater to your tantrum. At least you realized "aggressively racist" wasn't the look and pivoted, so: baby steps!

Let's go back and look at what you said:
"But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad."

So, you're upset over how you're being referred to. But, you've also acknowledged that you haven't told the other parent or child how you'd like to be referred to.

You expect your cultural norms to be observed, but you haven't described those norms to others. How are they supposed to know?

No, I don't expect them to follow my norms, and nothing you've quoted contradicts that. Yes it registers when my norms are violated, but I do not enforce my preferences on them precisely because they are following a different set of norms and I can observe that. You are trying to have it both ways: tell me that I'm wrong for not forcing them to abide by my norms, and chastise me for forcing my norms on people not from my culture (something I have not done, that you blame me for not doing, but then blame me for doing even though it never happened).

Listen, raise your kids how you want. But your attempts to twist what I've said into something I've not said, even on your fourth try, are ridiculous. I don't like it when a literal child addresses me by my first name, it is not how I was raised, and it rubs me the wrong way because it feels inappropriate; but I'm not going to interfere with the way other people raise their kids because that is also inappropriate and if one person in an interaction needs to be bothered it should not be a kid obeying their parent. Seriously, move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is cultural. Figure out what the people in your circles do and copy.

Absolutely cultural. I’m from a Spanish-speaking country and the idea of calling a parent (or a teacher) Mr/Ms- last name sounds funny in Spanish. Also, we don’t take our husbands last names so a kid would rarely know a mom’s last name. First name always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

If it makes you mad, just say, "Hey, I prefer when Larla's friends call me Ms. Jenny. Can you call me Ms. Jenny? Let me know if there's anything else you prefer to be called." There is zero reasons to let the kid call you something you're not comfortable with. And it's not really fair to the kid to harbor rage at something that you haven't asked them about!

FWIW I was also raised in TX and called ALL my friends parents Ms. Last Name (and in some cases Ms. First Name) and I think it is such a strange convention as an adult... Because I feel like still calling them that as a 36 year old haha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

oh my...some of you have issues deeply ingrained.

And some of you have never learned respect and your children are tyrants who think I care about their opinions.

There is a hierarchy in society - every society. Children are just that. Even yours.

NP. I don't get it...who is more respectful, a nicely behaved child who calls you by your first name, or a child who says "f^*k you, Mrs. Robinson?" I was never taught to call my family's friends Mr. and Mrs. So and So, but I was always welcome in their homes because I was well-mannered and not bratty at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think Mr Tom and Ms Jessica is a good compromise. It feels a little too familiar for a kid to call a parent by Jimmy, but Mr. Mathews feels overly formal.

I myself spend most of my time in "Recent Topics" so just curious -- do you know this is the tween/teen forum and do you still use Mr. Tom and Ms. Jessica when they are teens? I saw that some when the kids were little but now my kids call most of their friends parents by their first names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is cultural. Figure out what the people in your circles do and copy.

Our circle is still in the Mr/Ms LastName or Good Afternoon, Position/Rank [Mayor, Senator, LtCol].

If someone's kid calls me by my FirstName, I'll politely ask that they use Mr/Ms LastName and I don't really care what their parent has told them to call me. I've rarely had to do so, and with one exception, all the kids made the quick shift without issue. One parent of a child who didn't think twice to change ruffled up and a different child refused altogether. I consider both of them rude, esp the parent who had made a big stink about their child being referred to as [a specific way, and not even their legal name] by the teacher. What a double-standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?

No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.

Many posters here are saying they prefer to be called by their first name. Why is it better for them to "uncomfortably" correct others, rather than for you to do so?

Giving someone permission to call you a more familiar name than what they've used is a standard thing to do if you're open to it, and it's well within anyone's purview to do in any conversation. Telling someone "you are addressing me in an inappropriately familiar manner" is a correction of behavior, not a boon. And doing it in front of the parent they are supposed to take instruction from, and in direct conflict with the instruction they were just given, is confusing for a small child and aggressively confrontational for the adults. Look how upset you all are to learn that an anonymous internet stranger finds it rude: but you want me to say "that's rude" to the parent and kid instead of moving on.

It's not rude for someone to call you by your name. It would (generally) be rude, however, for someone to continue calling you by a name after you've asked them to stop. That's not a confusing concept, even to a small child. Many kids have nicknames, so the idea that someone may have preferences for how they'd like to be called is not going to be foreign to a child.

But it sounds like you never asked them to use a different name.

Actually, in many cultures it is extremely rude to address people in a familiar manner without being given leave to do so.

We're not in such a culture. It is extremely common to address people by first names in social situations. You don't seem to have an issue with the mother calling you by your first name, so apparently you just want some people to show deference to you. Does that apply to darker-skinned individuals, too? Or perhaps those in lower castes?

America is made up of many cultures, much to your evident dismay. Also this weird coded racism where you try to imply I'm racist by assuming I'm Indian is just really special. DCUM at its DCUMiest.

Yet you're still assuming everyone should just know to follow your cultural norms, to the point that you're dismayed by the suggestion that you ought to tell others what names and titles you'd like different groups of people to use when talking to you.

No, you're projecting. I said from the very first post that the kid is doing nothing wrong, and that different families have different rules. You're just furious that the way you're telling your kids to behave doesn't read as "great manners" to everyone they're interacting with that you're defensively lashing out. I'm not going to correct your kids or cater to your tantrum. At least you realized "aggressively racist" wasn't the look and pivoted, so: baby steps!

Let's go back and look at what you said:
"But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad."

So, you're upset over how you're being referred to. But, you've also acknowledged that you haven't told the other parent or child how you'd like to be referred to.

You expect your cultural norms to be observed, but you haven't described those norms to others. How are they supposed to know?

No, I don't expect them to follow my norms, and nothing you've quoted contradicts that. Yes it registers when my norms are violated, but I do not enforce my preferences on them precisely because they are following a different set of norms and I can observe that. You are trying to have it both ways: tell me that I'm wrong for not forcing them to abide by my norms, and chastise me for forcing my norms on people not from my culture (something I have not done, that you blame me for not doing, but then blame me for doing even though it never happened).

Listen, raise your kids how you want. But your attempts to twist what I've said into something I've not said, even on your fourth try, are ridiculous. I don't like it when a literal child addresses me by my first name, it is not how I was raised, and it rubs me the wrong way because it feels inappropriate; but I'm not going to interfere with the way other people raise their kids because that is also inappropriate and if one person in an interaction needs to be bothered it should not be a kid obeying their parent. Seriously, move on.

So, to summarize, you don't "expect" others to follow your norms, but you get upset when they don't, and it makes you think the child is a brat.

[Anonymous]

We do Mr. and Mrs. Last Name, unless a very close family friend or unless the adult has said different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is cultural. Figure out what the people in your circles do and copy.

Absolutely cultural. I’m from a Spanish-speaking country and the idea of calling a parent (or a teacher) Mr/Ms- last name sounds funny in Spanish. Also, we don’t take our husbands last names so a kid would rarely know a mom’s last name. First name always.

Your kids call their teacher by their first name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?

No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.

Many posters here are saying they prefer to be called by their first name. Why is it better for them to "uncomfortably" correct others, rather than for you to do so?

Giving someone permission to call you a more familiar name than what they've used is a standard thing to do if you're open to it, and it's well within anyone's purview to do in any conversation. Telling someone "you are addressing me in an inappropriately familiar manner" is a correction of behavior, not a boon. And doing it in front of the parent they are supposed to take instruction from, and in direct conflict with the instruction they were just given, is confusing for a small child and aggressively confrontational for the adults. Look how upset you all are to learn that an anonymous internet stranger finds it rude: but you want me to say "that's rude" to the parent and kid instead of moving on.

It's not rude for someone to call you by your name. It would (generally) be rude, however, for someone to continue calling you by a name after you've asked them to stop. That's not a confusing concept, even to a small child. Many kids have nicknames, so the idea that someone may have preferences for how they'd like to be called is not going to be foreign to a child.

But it sounds like you never asked them to use a different name.

Actually, in many cultures it is extremely rude to address people in a familiar manner without being given leave to do so.

We're not in such a culture. It is extremely common to address people by first names in social situations. You don't seem to have an issue with the mother calling you by your first name, so apparently you just want some people to show deference to you. Does that apply to darker-skinned individuals, too? Or perhaps those in lower castes?

America is made up of many cultures, much to your evident dismay. Also this weird coded racism where you try to imply I'm racist by assuming I'm Indian is just really special. DCUM at its DCUMiest.

Yet you're still assuming everyone should just know to follow your cultural norms, to the point that you're dismayed by the suggestion that you ought to tell others what names and titles you'd like different groups of people to use when talking to you.

No, you're projecting. I said from the very first post that the kid is doing nothing wrong, and that different families have different rules. You're just furious that the way you're telling your kids to behave doesn't read as "great manners" to everyone they're interacting with that you're defensively lashing out. I'm not going to correct your kids or cater to your tantrum. At least you realized "aggressively racist" wasn't the look and pivoted, so: baby steps!

Let's go back and look at what you said:
"But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad."

So, you're upset over how you're being referred to. But, you've also acknowledged that you haven't told the other parent or child how you'd like to be referred to.

You expect your cultural norms to be observed, but you haven't described those norms to others. How are they supposed to know?

No, I don't expect them to follow my norms, and nothing you've quoted contradicts that. Yes it registers when my norms are violated, but I do not enforce my preferences on them precisely because they are following a different set of norms and I can observe that. You are trying to have it both ways: tell me that I'm wrong for not forcing them to abide by my norms, and chastise me for forcing my norms on people not from my culture (something I have not done, that you blame me for not doing, but then blame me for doing even though it never happened).

Listen, raise your kids how you want. But your attempts to twist what I've said into something I've not said, even on your fourth try, are ridiculous. I don't like it when a literal child addresses me by my first name, it is not how I was raised, and it rubs me the wrong way because it feels inappropriate; but I'm not going to interfere with the way other people raise their kids because that is also inappropriate and if one person in an interaction needs to be bothered it should not be a kid obeying their parent. Seriously, move on.

I see things the same way as you. Congrats for being so polite to someone who was needling you unnecessarily.

[Anonymous]

If there was a prickly family that cared about these things, then I’d advise my kid to call them Mr/Mrs. But I can genuinely say I don’t know any adults (outside of a school setting) who even want to be called Mr/Mrs!

It makes most of us feel old and it sounds awkward. My peers would laugh and wave our hands at any sweet child polite enough to try to call us that.

[Anonymous]

No way. It's Mr. or Mrs first name. I'm from the South so maybe more common there to address adults as Mr. or Mrs.

[Anonymous]

We default to 1st names unless the person expresses a preference for something else. When someone calls me Ms Firstname or Ms Lastname I ask them to call me just by my first name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

Have you told the kid or parents what you want to be called?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

Have you told the kid or parents what you want to be called?

No, she hasn’t. She just silently judges them.