Do you let your children call adults by their first names?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?

No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.

Many posters here are saying they prefer to be called by their first name. Why is it better for them to "uncomfortably" correct others, rather than for you to do so?

Giving someone permission to call you a more familiar name than what they've used is a standard thing to do if you're open to it, and it's well within anyone's purview to do in any conversation. Telling someone "you are addressing me in an inappropriately familiar manner" is a correction of behavior, not a boon. And doing it in front of the parent they are supposed to take instruction from, and in direct conflict with the instruction they were just given, is confusing for a small child and aggressively confrontational for the adults. Look how upset you all are to learn that an anonymous internet stranger finds it rude: but you want me to say "that's rude" to the parent and kid instead of moving on.

It's not rude for someone to call you by your name. It would (generally) be rude, however, for someone to continue calling you by a name after you've asked them to stop. That's not a confusing concept, even to a small child. Many kids have nicknames, so the idea that someone may have preferences for how they'd like to be called is not going to be foreign to a child.

But it sounds like you never asked them to use a different name.

I grew up in New Jersey and feel the same as the poster from Texas. I still call my friends' parents Mr. Lastname or Mrs. Lastname unless they explicitly say "call me Francis." And then it's still hard to break an ingrained habit.

The discussion of respect is interesting to me. To me, respect for elders does not mean complete and total unquestioning obedience, and I do believe kids in general should give adults respect as the default, yes in part because we have lived longer.

Do parents really teach their kids "don't give anyone respect until they prove they deserve it"? Do you not call your doctor Dr. Lastname right away, or do you start with "Mary" or "Bob" and then switch to Dr. after they show you they're good at their job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid should address people however they want to be called, either first name or otherwise. But it’s on the adult to let the child know what they like to be called, or they’ll default to the first name. It’s not rude, just likely following the local norm. Nobody is expected to know in advance that you’re different. If you don’t like it just say you want to be called Ms. Whatever. You’d also be cringe, but my guess is that you won’t care much about this aspect.

How do these kids know the first names of adults? My kid’s’ friends all call me Mrs X and if they don’t know my last name they just call me Fred’s Mom. They don’t even know my first name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?

No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.

Many posters here are saying they prefer to be called by their first name. Why is it better for them to "uncomfortably" correct others, rather than for you to do so?

Giving someone permission to call you a more familiar name than what they've used is a standard thing to do if you're open to it, and it's well within anyone's purview to do in any conversation. Telling someone "you are addressing me in an inappropriately familiar manner" is a correction of behavior, not a boon. And doing it in front of the parent they are supposed to take instruction from, and in direct conflict with the instruction they were just given, is confusing for a small child and aggressively confrontational for the adults. Look how upset you all are to learn that an anonymous internet stranger finds it rude: but you want me to say "that's rude" to the parent and kid instead of moving on.

It's not rude for someone to call you by your name. It would (generally) be rude, however, for someone to continue calling you by a name after you've asked them to stop. That's not a confusing concept, even to a small child. Many kids have nicknames, so the idea that someone may have preferences for how they'd like to be called is not going to be foreign to a child.

But it sounds like you never asked them to use a different name.

Actually, in many cultures it is extremely rude to address people in a familiar manner without being given leave to do so.

We're not in such a culture. It is extremely common to address people by first names in social situations. You don't seem to have an issue with the mother calling you by your first name, so apparently you just want some people to show deference to you. Does that apply to darker-skinned individuals, too? Or perhaps those in lower castes?

Adults can call adults by their first name, except your child's teachers/school staff out of respect. The discussion is about kids. Kids should never address adults by their first name except if told to. I will always tell my kids friends to call me by my first name and prefer it but my kids know to always call someone by their last name until told otherwise by an adult.

This makes no sense-- when referring to adults, why should kids be required to use different names than other adults? And what's the age cut-off for no longer using first names? 18? Or is it like renting a car-- 25?

Should kids ask someone their age first before addressing them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?

No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.

Many posters here are saying they prefer to be called by their first name. Why is it better for them to "uncomfortably" correct others, rather than for you to do so?

Giving someone permission to call you a more familiar name than what they've used is a standard thing to do if you're open to it, and it's well within anyone's purview to do in any conversation. Telling someone "you are addressing me in an inappropriately familiar manner" is a correction of behavior, not a boon. And doing it in front of the parent they are supposed to take instruction from, and in direct conflict with the instruction they were just given, is confusing for a small child and aggressively confrontational for the adults. Look how upset you all are to learn that an anonymous internet stranger finds it rude: but you want me to say "that's rude" to the parent and kid instead of moving on.

It's not rude for someone to call you by your name. It would (generally) be rude, however, for someone to continue calling you by a name after you've asked them to stop. That's not a confusing concept, even to a small child. Many kids have nicknames, so the idea that someone may have preferences for how they'd like to be called is not going to be foreign to a child.

But it sounds like you never asked them to use a different name.

Actually, in many cultures it is extremely rude to address people in a familiar manner without being given leave to do so.

We're not in such a culture. It is extremely common to address people by first names in social situations. You don't seem to have an issue with the mother calling you by your first name, so apparently you just want some people to show deference to you. Does that apply to darker-skinned individuals, too? Or perhaps those in lower castes?

Adults can call adults by their first name, except your child's teachers/school staff out of respect. The discussion is about kids. Kids should never address adults by their first name except if told to. I will always tell my kids friends to call me by my first name and prefer it but my kids know to always call someone by their last name until told otherwise by an adult.

This is simply your opinion, no more or less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?

No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.

Many posters here are saying they prefer to be called by their first name. Why is it better for them to "uncomfortably" correct others, rather than for you to do so?

Giving someone permission to call you a more familiar name than what they've used is a standard thing to do if you're open to it, and it's well within anyone's purview to do in any conversation. Telling someone "you are addressing me in an inappropriately familiar manner" is a correction of behavior, not a boon. And doing it in front of the parent they are supposed to take instruction from, and in direct conflict with the instruction they were just given, is confusing for a small child and aggressively confrontational for the adults. Look how upset you all are to learn that an anonymous internet stranger finds it rude: but you want me to say "that's rude" to the parent and kid instead of moving on.

It's not rude for someone to call you by your name. It would (generally) be rude, however, for someone to continue calling you by a name after you've asked them to stop. That's not a confusing concept, even to a small child. Many kids have nicknames, so the idea that someone may have preferences for how they'd like to be called is not going to be foreign to a child.

But it sounds like you never asked them to use a different name.

I grew up in New Jersey and feel the same as the poster from Texas. I still call my friends' parents Mr. Lastname or Mrs. Lastname unless they explicitly say "call me Francis." And then it's still hard to break an ingrained habit.

The discussion of respect is interesting to me. To me, respect for elders does not mean complete and total unquestioning obedience, and I do believe kids in general should give adults respect as the default, yes in part because we have lived longer.

Do parents really teach their kids "don't give anyone respect until they prove they deserve it"? Do you not call your doctor Dr. Lastname right away, or do you start with "Mary" or "Bob" and then switch to Dr. after they show you they're good at their job?

You use the doctor title because of the situation, combined with respect for the position and training they hold relevant to that situation. Presumably you don't call someone "Doctor" in social settings.

And note how that's true for adults as well as kids.

In this thread we're talking about a special set of rules for kids, where the sole basis for granting a title is failing to die for about 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid should address people however they want to be called, either first name or otherwise. But it’s on the adult to let the child know what they like to be called, or they’ll default to the first name. It’s not rude, just likely following the local norm. Nobody is expected to know in advance that you’re different. If you don’t like it just say you want to be called Ms. Whatever. You’d also be cringe, but my guess is that you won’t care much about this aspect.

How do these kids know the first names of adults? My kid’s’ friends all call me Mrs X and if they don’t know my last name they just call me Fred’s Mom. They don’t even know my first name.

What do other adults call you when kids are around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?

No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.

Many posters here are saying they prefer to be called by their first name. Why is it better for them to "uncomfortably" correct others, rather than for you to do so?

Giving someone permission to call you a more familiar name than what they've used is a standard thing to do if you're open to it, and it's well within anyone's purview to do in any conversation. Telling someone "you are addressing me in an inappropriately familiar manner" is a correction of behavior, not a boon. And doing it in front of the parent they are supposed to take instruction from, and in direct conflict with the instruction they were just given, is confusing for a small child and aggressively confrontational for the adults. Look how upset you all are to learn that an anonymous internet stranger finds it rude: but you want me to say "that's rude" to the parent and kid instead of moving on.

It's not rude for someone to call you by your name. It would (generally) be rude, however, for someone to continue calling you by a name after you've asked them to stop. That's not a confusing concept, even to a small child. Many kids have nicknames, so the idea that someone may have preferences for how they'd like to be called is not going to be foreign to a child.

But it sounds like you never asked them to use a different name.

Actually, in many cultures it is extremely rude to address people in a familiar manner without being given leave to do so.

We're not in such a culture. It is extremely common to address people by first names in social situations. You don't seem to have an issue with the mother calling you by your first name, so apparently you just want some people to show deference to you. Does that apply to darker-skinned individuals, too? Or perhaps those in lower castes?

America is made up of many cultures, much to your evident dismay. Also this weird coded racism where you try to imply I'm racist by assuming I'm Indian is just really special. DCUM at its DCUMiest.

Yet you're still assuming everyone should just know to follow your cultural norms, to the point that you're dismayed by the suggestion that you ought to tell others what names and titles you'd like different groups of people to use when talking to you.

No, you're projecting. I said from the very first post that the kid is doing nothing wrong, and that different families have different rules. You're just furious that the way you're telling your kids to behave doesn't read as "great manners" to everyone they're interacting with that you're defensively lashing out. I'm not going to correct your kids or cater to your tantrum. At least you realized "aggressively racist" wasn't the look and pivoted, so: baby steps!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

So, given that you're upset, I assume you asked her to call you Mrs. High-and-Mighty and she refused, right? Because obviously if you have a legitimate reason to use a particular title you wouldn't hesitate to correct others.

Did she give a reason why she won't use the title?

No, because her mom told her in front of me to call me Jenny. So I'm trapped in a situation where I'm either gainsaying a parent to their child, or listening to a kid obey their parent even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable. The polite thing to do is to suck it up, not make everyone else uncomfortable. But I get that someone who thinks basic courtesy is "high-and-mighty" might be lost in this interaction.

Many posters here are saying they prefer to be called by their first name. Why is it better for them to "uncomfortably" correct others, rather than for you to do so?

Giving someone permission to call you a more familiar name than what they've used is a standard thing to do if you're open to it, and it's well within anyone's purview to do in any conversation. Telling someone "you are addressing me in an inappropriately familiar manner" is a correction of behavior, not a boon. And doing it in front of the parent they are supposed to take instruction from, and in direct conflict with the instruction they were just given, is confusing for a small child and aggressively confrontational for the adults. Look how upset you all are to learn that an anonymous internet stranger finds it rude: but you want me to say "that's rude" to the parent and kid instead of moving on.

It's not rude for someone to call you by your name. It would (generally) be rude, however, for someone to continue calling you by a name after you've asked them to stop. That's not a confusing concept, even to a small child. Many kids have nicknames, so the idea that someone may have preferences for how they'd like to be called is not going to be foreign to a child.

But it sounds like you never asked them to use a different name.

Actually, in many cultures it is extremely rude to address people in a familiar manner without being given leave to do so.

We're not in such a culture. It is extremely common to address people by first names in social situations. You don't seem to have an issue with the mother calling you by your first name, so apparently you just want some people to show deference to you. Does that apply to darker-skinned individuals, too? Or perhaps those in lower castes?

America is made up of many cultures, much to your evident dismay. Also this weird coded racism where you try to imply I'm racist by assuming I'm Indian is just really special. DCUM at its DCUMiest.

Yet you're still assuming everyone should just know to follow your cultural norms, to the point that you're dismayed by the suggestion that you ought to tell others what names and titles you'd like different groups of people to use when talking to you.

No, you're projecting. I said from the very first post that the kid is doing nothing wrong, and that different families have different rules. You're just furious that the way you're telling your kids to behave doesn't read as "great manners" to everyone they're interacting with that you're defensively lashing out. I'm not going to correct your kids or cater to your tantrum. At least you realized "aggressively racist" wasn't the look and pivoted, so: baby steps!

Let's go back and look at what you said:
"But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad."

So, you're upset over how you're being referred to. But, you've also acknowledged that you haven't told the other parent or child how you'd like to be referred to.

You expect your cultural norms to be observed, but you haven't described those norms to others. How are they supposed to know?

[Anonymous]

^^ And if there's some other more objective rationale for using the Mrs. title, you haven't described what you've done to earn any particular title. In the context of a medical visit, the doctor has significant training. In the context of a classroom, the teacher has both training and a level of responsibility and authority over the classroom. What is it in your case?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ And if there's some other more objective rationale for using the Mrs. title, you haven't described what you've done to earn any particular title. In the context of a medical visit, the doctor has significant training. In the context of a classroom, the teacher has both training and a level of responsibility and authority over the classroom. What is it in your case?

I'm a different poster, but was raised to respect adults. In general, by living an extra couple decades people pick up knowledge and wisdom that kids haven't had time to aquire.

I get that this is nuanced, and we don't want kids to follow adults blindly or end up in an abuse situation. I also think it's important for adults to respect children and understand that they have feelings and opinions that should be valued. But in general, adults should be listened to

An example. I was taking my cousin's kids to a playground. A group of tweens were playing soccer right in the middle of the little kid equipment. After seeing a fast moving airball nearly hit the head of one toddler and another kid literally knock a 4-5 year old down while chasing the ball, I asked the kids to take their soccer game to the field. They looked at me like "who are you to tell me what to do?" and kept playing. The parent of the kid who got knocked down also intervened and got the same reaction. Another parent or nanny went into the rec center and practically had to drag out the teenage staffer to tell the big kids to move to the open field.

When I was a tween, even the "bad kids" would most of the time listen if an adult (teacher, parent, shopkeeper, etc.) told them to knock it off. They might not react well right away or they would grumble or curse, but it was understood that adults are rule keepers. Now we get "why should I respect what you say?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid should address people however they want to be called, either first name or otherwise. But it’s on the adult to let the child know what they like to be called, or they’ll default to the first name. It’s not rude, just likely following the local norm. Nobody is expected to know in advance that you’re different. If you don’t like it just say you want to be called Ms. Whatever. You’d also be cringe, but my guess is that you won’t care much about this aspect.

How do these kids know the first names of adults? My kid’s’ friends all call me Mrs X and if they don’t know my last name they just call me Fred’s Mom. They don’t even know my first name.

What do other adults call you when kids are around?

Usually they just walk up and say hi. We're not introducing ourselves every time.

[Anonymous]

wow this went off the rails fast! my 15 year old calls most adults we know well by their first name. she started with miss or mr first name as a young child (i’m from tx) … there comes a point where that feels weird and is she going to go from “miss sally” to mrs. smith? so sally it is. i also don’t always know mom’s last names bc they are often different than their children’s. she also asks adults what they prefer. why not?!

[Anonymous]

I dunno. I think it's weird for my kids to call DH's superiors by their first names when he calls them "sir" or "General."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, this hits home. I was raised in Texas and would NEVER have done such a thing, it was like spitting in someone's eye. Now I live here and friends of DH's have taught their 6 year old to call me "Jenny" - no Ms., no Larla's mom - and every. single. time. my initial reaction is "wtf did you just say???"

The kid is doing nothing wrong because her parents literally told her to call adults by their names. But I cannot get over how upset it makes me, and it makes me think the kid is a brat even though she is obeying her mom and dad.

So no, I don't let my kid do that, not at this tender age. If she grows into a bratty teen who tries it out to test boundaries I won't be shocked, but a little kid is not on par with an adult and it's weird and off-putting to pretend otherwise.

oh my...some of you have issues deeply ingrained.

And some of you have never learned respect and your children are tyrants who think I care about their opinions.

There is a hierarchy in society - every society. Children are just that. Even yours.

[Anonymous]

This is cultural. Figure out what the people in your circles do and copy.