I don’t understand how people claim the affair partner is blameless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t an issue of “treating other humans well” and for what it’s worth there’s no social contract that we should “treat others well”. If you go through life thinking people are abiding by these rules, you’re only going to get taken advantage of.

You are vile.

They are a narcissist! It's kind of amazing to see a comment that is actually textbook narcissism; people usually use the term to describe somebody who is just selfish.

[Anonymous]

Why? They don’t owe anything to the side.

Look, you can’t “steal” a human being. He went of his own accord. Blame him.

In a way, you might say the OW did the wife a favor by showing her her partner ain’t shit. Now she can find a better for (assuming she wants fidelity).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their character really has nothing to do with blame.

Yes they are 100% blameless and it is entirely the fault of the cheating spouse. If they have to be the cheating spouse in their own marriage they they are to blame for their own marriage’s downfall, but not yours

Have you ever heard of the concept of playing a small role in something bad happening?

[Anonymous]

There’s no such thing as girl code between women who are not friends or sisters (and even then…)

Yeah it ducks but be forewarned and forewarned. Pick a man who will not cheat because his personal morality code will not allow him to do so. Pick someone who will at least tell you first if he feels the relationship is struggling or he’s falling out of love or met someone else, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh for goodness sake. A betrayed spouse has every right to be angry that there are humans in the world that get involved with married people with families. Yes 95 percent goes to the cheater, but it’s ok as a society and as a hurt person to let someone know the impact of their choices. They may not care. That’s on them.

In terms of social circles, the previous post is really strange. Betrayed spouses who choose to do the extremely hard work of working on the marriage and healing do not deserve anyone’s judgment or wrath.

The AP is not in a relationship with the Betrayed spouse but that doesn’t mean she is immune from the impact of her decisions.

But it doesn’t. That’s what’s hypocritical.

One instance in the social group I’m thinking. A woman’s husband cheated with a single mother in her child’s class. For what it’s worth the other woman had no interest in marrying the man, she was told he had an understanding with his wife and (foolishly IMO) believed him.

Affair was found out and BW wants everyone in the social group to stop inviting the OWs kid to birthday parties and events. But her husband should still be welcome at those events. How is that “95% of the blame” going to the cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my ex-spouse cheated, I asked how he would feel if another guy came into his family home and screwed his wife. Like, seriously, his kids, his house, his domain. He has a serious breakdown upon confession and agreed he felt awful and, yes, he was sorry.

I just don’t think cheaters have empathy or are capable of putting themselves in other people’s shoes. The OM of OW simply does not care about the spouses/kids or fall out/harm it will cause. They are very self-centered. And, yeah, that part makes me angry. I get angry at people that knowingly do thing they know will cause someone else harm. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I’m not religious, but believe in this simple golden rule I’m society.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh for goodness sake. A betrayed spouse has every right to be angry that there are humans in the world that get involved with married people with families. Yes 95 percent goes to the cheater, but it’s ok as a society and as a hurt person to let someone know the impact of their choices. They may not care. That’s on them.

In terms of social circles, the previous post is really strange. Betrayed spouses who choose to do the extremely hard work of working on the marriage and healing do not deserve anyone’s judgment or wrath.

The AP is not in a relationship with the Betrayed spouse but that doesn’t mean she is immune from the impact of her decisions.

But it doesn’t. That’s what’s hypocritical.

One instance in the social group I’m thinking. A woman’s husband cheated with a single mother in her child’s class. For what it’s worth the other woman had no interest in marrying the man, she was told he had an understanding with his wife and (foolishly IMO) believed him.

Affair was found out and BW wants everyone in the social group to stop inviting the OWs kid to birthday parties and events. But her husband should still be welcome at those events. How is that “95% of the blame” going to the cheater?

That’s sad. I know a similar situation where the husband met the OW through a class they were taking. He told the OW he wasn’t married anymore to his child’s mother but they were still good friends so they did things together with their child.

Turns out he was 100 percent married and the wife set out to destroy the OW but the husband didn’t take any blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trash people gonna be trashy. Of course they are not blameless. Are the responsible for someone else’s marriage, no of course not, that doesn’t absolve them of being a garbage person though.

But that isn’t the topic. The topic is are they to blame. Sure they have poor morals, but if not them the husband would have found someone else to sleep with. The “other” person isn’t to blame personally for the affair. The only one to blame is the one that broke their marriage vows.

Yes. Of course. She didn’t matter- it could have been any warm whole willing to bang a married guy.

Right. And the husband looking for any warm hole is 100% at blame. There is no such thing as “stealing” your husband. Any spouse worth keeping isn’t “lured” in by crazy trashy women. It isn’t the women, it is him. Don’t you get it?

[Anonymous]

^ exactly. The OW means nothing. This is what the other pp was quoting. It could have been any woman without morals or character, just like him:

“The topic is are they to blame. Sure they have poor morals, but if not them the husband would have found someone else to sleep with.”

There is enough trash out there to find one another to bang. Those that have zero qualms about banging married people and people that have no qualms with cheating.

Trash finds trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ exactly. The OW means nothing. This is what the other pp was quoting. It could have been any woman without morals or character, just like him:

“The topic is are they to blame. Sure they have poor morals, but if not them the husband would have found someone else to sleep with.”

There is enough trash out there to find one another to bang. Those that have zero qualms about banging married people and people that have no qualms with cheating.

Trash finds trash.

Yeah. I never have and never would sleep with someone if I knew they were married. Period. Hard pass - no matter who they were, what they were worth or how handsome.

Just never would do that to another person. I respect people’s marriages- even if they don’t.

[Anonymous]

Interesting that someone(s) is trying to make their point by citing OW who didn't know they were OW. That's a small minority of cases. I think a lot of people would dispute whether it's considered cheating on the AP's part if they don't know that the MM is lying about being single.

But like with all things, it's a bell curve, and you're citing examples of people at the extreme end of the spectrum. And the BW is even taking it out on the poor OW's children! And broadcasting the scenario to a large friend group! She's probably mean to puppies and old ladies too.

It's disingenuous to base your argument on an extreme example. Most OW are aware that he's married. Most BW do little that's actionable other than look at the OW's public instagram and text her BFF the most unflattering ones.

I mean, all Jean Valjean was steal some bread to feed his starving nephew! Why are people so judgmental of thieves? Am I right?

[Anonymous]

It is not that they are good people , in the grand scheme of the moral universe.

But usually the wronged spouse has no relationship with that person. Their spouse is the one who betrayed them. Who lied to them. Who risked a family and children's mental health. That is where your energy / focus should be.

The AP is a space holder. It does not matter who holds that generic role. What matters is what is going on in your family.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read anything but the thread title, but I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment expressed.

The single person who sleeps with a married person is equally culpable, period. Or if they’re also married.

People owe a duty of respect to other people’s marriages in a civilized society. Women and men who seek out married people for affairs are equally morally repugnant as the one breaking the marriage vows.

Thou shalt not commit adultery applies to all of us, married or unmarried. It should apply to all of us whether we are people of faith or atheists.

Back in my promiscuous days I once went home from the bar with a very handsome guy who’d been hitting on me all night. As we were in the process of heavy petting and disrobing, he let out that he’s married with kids back home - he was a visiting professor at the university I attended. I got out of bed and started getting dressed and he was PISSED. He punched me in the face when I told him I wouldn’t duck somebody else’s husband. I’m lucky he didn’t rape me.

Adultery is sickening as far as I’m concerned. I saw my parents destroy each other with serial adultery, and I swore I would never be a player in that game.

Women control access to sex, except when we are raped. If all women respected marriage vows, there would be no adultery.

[Anonymous]

When my sister was on OLD she ended up going out with LOTS of married men. Every single one of them said they had an "open marriage" ...

Bullllllllshirt.

The anger I've seen poured out at the "other woman" is completely unwarrented.

Even in this thread, using terms like "pump and dump" and I've seen in other places "Cum dumpsters" and "trash humans" or a "warm hole" ... wow.

Is there no compassion for people here? I mean, even in this thread about nobody in particular the women are being demonized.

Of course it isn't right to sleep with somebody else's spouse. But the real villian is your spouse. Not the AP. I'm not saying they are blameless, but they are not for you to blame. Your marriage, your spouse, and your actions are the only things that you need to focus on. Not the AP. Because it is your spouse seeking to cheat on you. The person sleeping with your spouse has their own sh!t to work on, for sure, and possibly their own work on their marriage or relationship. But they are not to blame for anything going wrong in your marriage. Not a thing. Whomever said the AP is a placeholder is right. They are so irrelevant to your marital problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my sister was on OLD she ended up going out with LOTS of married men. Every single one of them said they had an "open marriage" ...

Bullllllllshirt.

The anger I've seen poured out at the "other woman" is completely unwarrented.

Even in this thread, using terms like "pump and dump" and I've seen in other places "Cum dumpsters" and "trash humans" or a "warm hole" ... wow.

Is there no compassion for people here? I mean, even in this thread about nobody in particular the women are being demonized.

Of course it isn't right to sleep with somebody else's spouse. But the real villian is your spouse. Not the AP. I'm not saying they are blameless, but they are not for you to blame. Your marriage, your spouse, and your actions are the only things that you need to focus on. Not the AP. Because it is your spouse seeking to cheat on you. The person sleeping with your spouse has their own sh!t to work on, for sure, and possibly their own work on their marriage or relationship. But they are not to blame for anything going wrong in your marriage. Not a thing. Whomever said the AP is a placeholder is right. They are so irrelevant to your marital problems.

There are also men who straight up pretend to be single /divorced when they are indeed married.