Wife is super rigid about showing up on time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife has always been very rigid about showing up on time to places when we’re meeting up with other people. In her mind, showing up late shows a lack of respect for someone else’s time. While I agree with her somewhat, I think there’s some nuance to this. I’ve mostly just gone with it during our marriage, but a recent incident has me rethinking my approach.

Last night, we were going over to her parents house for dinner. It wasn’t for any special occasion, just your run of the mill Saturday night dinner. My MIL told my wife to come over at 5:00, which means we’d have to leave our house by 4:45. As we’re getting ready to leave, our three year old daughter was being a handful, nothing over the top, just typica three year old behavior (running around the house while trying to get her shoes on, spilling her water, etc) As we’re both trying to get out daughter situated and in the car, wife looks at the time, notices it’s 445 and says “we’re going to be late! I’ll go there now and you can meet us there!” And just walks out the door and leaves. I continued to get out daughter ready, which took about another 10 minutes, and then left in the other car. We got to in-laws house, and everything was fine.

After we got home, I asked my wife why it was such a big deal to get there on time. She reiterated that her Mom asked us to get there at 5, so they were expecting us, and it’s not respectful of their time to show up late. I countered with the fact that we weren’t tying to be disrespectful, but sometimes thing happen, and we were only going to be 10 minutes late. It’s not like this was a restaurant where they would have given away our reservation, if we showed up 10 minutes late, life would have gone on. However, my wife kept saying how it’s not respectful of their time, etc etc.

We didn’t really come to a conclusion about it, but is my wife being unnecessarily rigid about this? Or am I being too laid back?

Depends on the families, OP. DH is is often late for my family, because he and his family are passive aggressive that way. To further complete the point, if DH and I were late when our kids were little, and we showed up late, DH's family would eat without us, and there (on more than one occasion) was not much/any food left. This was on a major holiday, so everything but McDonald's would be closed, usually. I don't mind the being late or eating without us part, as I mind the not saving our kids (don't care about us) part of a meal, to include them. In contrast, MIL is always certain to save SIL's entire family more than enough food if they are late (and by their late, I mean over an hour).

We are not usually late for DH's family, except when the kids were little, so yes your IL's and your spouse should be cutting your nuclear family some slack - and saving everyone, across the board, enough food. Dh is kind of jealous of the closeness of our family, so being late for my family is his version of sticking it to (whomever, as does his birth family). Assuming your IL's are not so mean/selfish/inconsiderate. 

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife has always been very rigid about showing up on time to places when we’re meeting up with other people. In her mind, showing up late shows a lack of respect for someone else’s time. While I agree with her somewhat, I think there’s some nuance to this. I’ve mostly just gone with it during our marriage, but a recent incident has me rethinking my approach.

Last night, we were going over to her parents house for dinner. It wasn’t for any special occasion, just your run of the mill Saturday night dinner. My MIL told my wife to come over at 5:00, which means we’d have to leave our house by 4:45. As we’re getting ready to leave, our three year old daughter was being a handful, nothing over the top, just typica three year old behavior (running around the house while trying to get her shoes on, spilling her water, etc) As we’re both trying to get out daughter situated and in the car, wife looks at the time, notices it’s 445 and says “we’re going to be late! I’ll go there now and you can meet us there!” And just walks out the door and leaves. I continued to get out daughter ready, which took about another 10 minutes, and then left in the other car. We got to in-laws house, and everything was fine.

After we got home, I asked my wife why it was such a big deal to get there on time. She reiterated that her Mom asked us to get there at 5, so they were expecting us, and it’s not respectful of their time to show up late. I countered with the fact that we weren’t tying to be disrespectful, but sometimes thing happen, and we were only going to be 10 minutes late. It’s not like this was a restaurant where they would have given away our reservation, if we showed up 10 minutes late, life would have gone on. However, my wife kept saying how it’s not respectful of their time, etc etc.

We didn’t really come to a conclusion about it, but is my wife being unnecessarily rigid about this? Or am I being too laid back?

Depends on the families, OP. DH is is often late for my family, because he and his family are passive aggressive that way. To further complete the point, if DH and I were late when our kids were little, and we showed up late, DH's family would eat without us, and there (on more than one occasion) was not much/any food left. This was on a major holiday, so everything but McDonald's would be closed, usually. I don't mind the being late or eating without us part, as I mind the not saving our kids (don't care about us) part of a meal, to include them. In contrast, MIL is always certain to save SIL's entire family more than enough food if they are late (and by their late, I mean over an hour).

We are not usually late for DH's family, except when the kids were little, so yes your IL's and your spouse should be cutting your nuclear family some slack - and saving everyone, across the board, enough food. Dh is kind of jealous of the closeness of our family, so being late for my family is his version of sticking it to (whomever, as does his birth family). Assuming your IL's are not so mean/selfish/inconsiderate. 

Uh... to be fair, if you are late enough to miss a big meal, you are absolutely, completely, disrespectfully way too late. if you have some crazy circumstances then okay, but I would be pissed if I were hosting...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

Agree with this. Taking off and leaving you with the kid instead of just picking up the phone to call her Mom is bizarre behavior. Did her parents used to beat her if she was late to something?

Also, typical DCUM, piling on the OP and inventing facts about behavior patterns, etc. to support doing so.

She doesn't want to, because that is also disrespectful. Respectful is being on time. Calling with a pathetic excuse is disrespectful. You can only call and make excuses if you have a better reason than "I failed to plan in advance and to manage my child."

Did you seriously just sock puppet two opposing responses 1-2 mins apart from each other. Step it up Troll.

NP. Sorry to go on a tangent here, but how do you know it is sock-puppeting? I see posts like this here a lot and always wonder how people think they know someone is sock-puppeting. Not saying it wasn't going on here, just curious how people know (I get that sometimes it's obvious when an OP does it).

Sometimes it's obvious by the person's writing style, but the only way to really know is if Jeff checks.

They don't know. Only Jeff knows for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife has always been very rigid about showing up on time to places when we’re meeting up with other people. In her mind, showing up late shows a lack of respect for someone else’s time. While I agree with her somewhat, I think there’s some nuance to this. I’ve mostly just gone with it during our marriage, but a recent incident has me rethinking my approach.

Last night, we were going over to her parents house for dinner. It wasn’t for any special occasion, just your run of the mill Saturday night dinner. My MIL told my wife to come over at 5:00, which means we’d have to leave our house by 4:45. As we’re getting ready to leave, our three year old daughter was being a handful, nothing over the top, just typica three year old behavior (running around the house while trying to get her shoes on, spilling her water, etc) As we’re both trying to get out daughter situated and in the car, wife looks at the time, notices it’s 445 and says “we’re going to be late! I’ll go there now and you can meet us there!” And just walks out the door and leaves. I continued to get out daughter ready, which took about another 10 minutes, and then left in the other car. We got to in-laws house, and everything was fine.

After we got home, I asked my wife why it was such a big deal to get there on time. She reiterated that her Mom asked us to get there at 5, so they were expecting us, and it’s not respectful of their time to show up late. I countered with the fact that we weren’t tying to be disrespectful, but sometimes thing happen, and we were only going to be 10 minutes late. It’s not like this was a restaurant where they would have given away our reservation, if we showed up 10 minutes late, life would have gone on. However, my wife kept saying how it’s not respectful of their time, etc etc.

We didn’t really come to a conclusion about it, but is my wife being unnecessarily rigid about this? Or am I being too laid back?

Depends on the families, OP. DH is is often late for my family, because he and his family are passive aggressive that way. To further complete the point, if DH and I were late when our kids were little, and we showed up late, DH's family would eat without us, and there (on more than one occasion) was not much/any food left. This was on a major holiday, so everything but McDonald's would be closed, usually. I don't mind the being late or eating without us part, as I mind the not saving our kids (don't care about us) part of a meal, to include them. In contrast, MIL is always certain to save SIL's entire family more than enough food if they are late (and by their late, I mean over an hour).

We are not usually late for DH's family, except when the kids were little, so yes your IL's and your spouse should be cutting your nuclear family some slack - and saving everyone, across the board, enough food. Dh is kind of jealous of the closeness of our family, so being late for my family is his version of sticking it to (whomever, as does his birth family). Assuming your IL's are not so mean/selfish/inconsiderate. 

The passive-aggressive lateness is exhausting. My brother was always late because it made my father mad. Now he is late whenever it is our family's events but not for his work even though my dad has been dead for 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sounds rigid but also sounds like you are someone who is frequently late and maybe she is tired of it, and has decided she isnt waiting for you anymore.

Nothing in op’s post implies that.

He sAid his wife thinks showing up late is disrespectful and he says he agrees “somewhat”. That’s all I need to know. He is frequently late.

[Anonymous]

Some people are team on time and other people aren't. I think that while yes, your wife does seem rigid, if you are consistently late to everything, it gets annoying. How are you working to meet her half way?

Also, she was raised by the people you were meeting, and they may also be team on time. For this example, maybe it was a big deal to be there on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect there is more to this story. Like she was handling the kid most of the kid and you had agreed to get your kid dressed and in the car to leave by 445 so when you weren’t ready, rather than do your job for you, she decided to leave you to handle it.

I also suspect perhaps her parents wanted her help setting the table or putting the final touches on the meal. And that her parents were looking forward to seeing her and she didn’t want to disappoint her.

Your wife’s tendency to be on time is much more polite than your approach.

How is abandoning the husband and kid polite? Unless there is more to story…

[Anonymous]

I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect there is more to this story. Like she was handling the kid most of the kid and you had agreed to get your kid dressed and in the car to leave by 445 so when you weren’t ready, rather than do your job for you, she decided to leave you to handle it.

I also suspect perhaps her parents wanted her help setting the table or putting the final touches on the meal. And that her parents were looking forward to seeing her and she didn’t want to disappoint her.

Your wife’s tendency to be on time is much more polite than your approach.

How is abandoning the husband and kid polite? Unless there is more to story…

It's not, but being on time in general is more polite than being late while congratulating yourself on being "laid back" and criticizing others for their basic functionality of time management. OP needs to understand that his habitual rudeness is worse than his wife's one-time choice to keep her parents, rather than her husband, happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

It's different when you're their parents and you know they're expecting you at the actual time.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP is peeved that he was called out for his lateness, and that he didn't win the contest of Who Will My Wife Cater To The Most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP.

Have any of you ever lived with a 3 year old? They’re bonkers. Storming off to a family dinner because a 3 year old is hard to manage for a few minutes is lunacy.

Next time something like this happens, tell your wife to text her mother that you’ll be a few minutes late. And get her screened for anxiety. This is no way to live.

Agree with this. Taking off and leaving you with the kid instead of just picking up the phone to call her Mom is bizarre behavior. Did her parents used to beat her if she was late to something?

Also, typical DCUM, piling on the OP and inventing facts about behavior patterns, etc. to support doing so.

She doesn't want to, because that is also disrespectful. Respectful is being on time. Calling with a pathetic excuse is disrespectful. You can only call and make excuses if you have a better reason than "I failed to plan in advance and to manage my child."

Did you seriously just sock puppet two opposing responses 1-2 mins apart from each other. Step it up Troll.

NP. Sorry to go on a tangent here, but how do you know it is sock-puppeting? I see posts like this here a lot and always wonder how people think they know someone is sock-puppeting. Not saying it wasn't going on here, just curious how people know (I get that sometimes it's obvious when an OP does it).

Some people here take DCUM far too personally, and they imagine every
one else is one big boogeyman. Usually it's when multiple people disagreement with the commenter, it some commenters have even more hyper imagination.

[Anonymous]

Is your wife always the disciplinarian and you get to be the fun, "laid back" dad with your daughter. She sounds fed up with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who is very rigid about being on time… I’ll let it slide a bit sometimes, but absolutely not for my family. We are always the last to arrive at 5-10 minutes early and catch flack for that. I can’t imagine actually being late. I’d never hear the end of it.

This sounds so incredibly stressful. I cannot imagine grandparents caring if their kids/grandchild show up 10-15 min. late, especially when there’s a young child in tow. My parents are very much “you’ll get when you get here, don’t stress and make sure to drive safe.” Also, we tend to keep a loose schedule to begin with (e.g. come over around 5ish and we’ll have some apps and then eat at 6:30). No one would blink at a 5:15 arrival.

As an aside I absolutely hate when anyone shows up early. If I say come over at 5, please do not ring by bell before 4:59 at the earliest. I can’t stand when people arrive 15 min. early while I’m still freshening up and putting last minute touches on apps, etc.

Two different cultures:

1. I want to share my love with people by finding ways to enjoy each other.

2. I want people to show me they love me by performing oddly specific tasks.

[Anonymous]

Loving all these folks venting about their marriage and pretending they are talking to OP. Very common pattern around here.