41M too old for LTR with me (26F)?

[Anonymous]

Why does he only have his kids two days a week? Has this always been the custody arrangement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Too old. Is he controlling? Why doesn’t he want someone his age? That’s a red flag to me.

Why doesn't he want someone his age? Because he can get someone who is younger, hotter, and tighter. The red flag would be if he is forced to date someone just like him.

Then he should pay for it, not drag a naive and vulnerable mom of a young kid into his mess.

+1.

What's in it for OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Too old. Is he controlling? Why doesn’t he want someone his age? That’s a red flag to me.

Why doesn't he want someone his age? Because he can get someone who is younger, hotter, and tighter. The red flag would be if he is forced to date someone just like him.

Then he should pay for it, not drag a naive and vulnerable mom of a young kid into his mess.

+1.

What's in it for OP?

LoooOoOve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:at 43 I married a 27 year old who by all accounts was totally over the moon to get married to me. After the marriage she decided to start posting on instagram/facebook/etc. and after that, boy did the crap start rolling in. There was a lot of negative talk from other women and it really got under her skin. So much so that she got very unhappy and started second guessing her decision. The feedback was consistently "she's a gold digger" "He must have money" "ick, he is so old" "you are so pretty, couldn't you do better?" etc. etc. etc. I'm sure she wasn't expecting that kind of feedback. She became very self conscious about us and she eventually left the marriage.

about a year after the divorce she called me up and said "I really was happy to marry you but there were people causing problems."

What I can say is that (1) women appear to be very influenced by peer pressure (2) other women can't just let other women be happy.

Consider the following:
1. Men in their 20 - 30 have a very high libido which typically far exceeds their wives. That cools off in the 40 and 50 so an age gap can help equal out libido differences.
2. Men in their 40 and 50 are a little more easy-going which can really help when dealing with kids.
3. In the 40's a man is more readily able to conclude that he can be satisfied in the relationship and commit.

In my experience I was "running and gunning" so hard in my 20 and 30 that I didn't have time to reflect or contemplate life.

So many women complain about wanting a man who is both successful and thoughtful yet they often group-think themselves out of those them.

Your wife was happy to get married to you, while you were in your 40s, other than comments by outsiders.

But, when she is 50, and you are 65, she might start second guessing the marriage. When she is 60 and you 75, and you start to need someone to care for you, she would have doubly start rethinking being married to.

There's something about growing old together. But, having a large age gap is not growing old together. It's the younger person taking care of the older person (for the most part).

For, OP, she will go from taking care of her very young child to then taking care of her older husband. That doesn't sound pleasant to me. No doubt, she would've enjoyed being with you for maybe 10 years, but after that, when you start to really age (my DH is 59), she won't be as satisfied.

Your comments above, and many of the others in this thread are very familiar because these are the type of unsolicited comments that my wife was getting from social media directed towards her after we were already married. I know because I saw them and we talked about them. It boggles my mind how people feel they have the right to inject their opinions into a married persons life in a way that causes FUC (fear, uncertainty, and doubt).

Early in the relationship I made a point to meet her parents and before marriage we all sat down in her parents kitchen and I listed all the negatives I could think of so that we could discuss them because I absolutely did not want to get married into a situation that family disagreed with and would undermine. In fact, the scenario of her being in her 50s and me in my 70s and what that would mean was one of specific scenarios we discussed. Her parents (mom in late 50's and dad in early 70) downplayed the issue and even told me that you don't know which one of you will actually need care first because, for them, her mother got cancer and her father was the one taking care of everything.

The thing that is striking to me is that there is always a price or consequence for all relationships. There is no perfect scenario and yet that appears to that everyone wants to promote the "you can do better - swipe left narrative."

In my wife's case, after a few years of online feedback she decided that she could do better (she said as much when she left). She did date several younger men some ostensibly had more money and she had a baby and they guy packed up and moved out of state. She lived with her parents for a few years and is on welfare now. She "still gets lots of attention when she is out" but that does not equal men wanting to marry her. Her mother finally got tired of the situation when she left the baby with the her to go on a weekend trip with a younger guy and her mother told he to move out. She couldn't move in with the guy because he was living at home with his parents.

For those of you who are going to say water seeks its own level, that's not exactly actuate because once she adopted the ideas being sent towards her she put herself on this trajectory. When I met her she enjoyed crafts and sewing. I watched her spend days sewing outfits and admired her for the effort it took.

The sad thing is that everyone (her, me, parents, children, etc.) could have had a nice life. Yes, I'm older but I reached a point where I've got flexibility in my career to set my schedule. That means I'm available for kid pickups and drop-offs, etc. It also means we are able to help with her parents (and mine) as they get older. There was a plan in place and all we had to do was stay the course.

So I ask, what is satisfaction in a marriage or life? is it chasing an unrealistic ideal or marriage to a somewhat older man that takes care of you well for 30 years and then you take care of him in his last 10?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:at 43 I married a 27 year old who by all accounts was totally over the moon to get married to me. After the marriage she decided to start posting on instagram/facebook/etc. and after that, boy did the crap start rolling in. There was a lot of negative talk from other women and it really got under her skin. So much so that she got very unhappy and started second guessing her decision. The feedback was consistently "she's a gold digger" "He must have money" "ick, he is so old" "you are so pretty, couldn't you do better?" etc. etc. etc. I'm sure she wasn't expecting that kind of feedback. She became very self conscious about us and she eventually left the marriage.

about a year after the divorce she called me up and said "I really was happy to marry you but there were people causing problems."

What I can say is that (1) women appear to be very influenced by peer pressure (2) other women can't just let other women be happy.

Consider the following:
1. Men in their 20 - 30 have a very high libido which typically far exceeds their wives. That cools off in the 40 and 50 so an age gap can help equal out libido differences.
2. Men in their 40 and 50 are a little more easy-going which can really help when dealing with kids.
3. In the 40's a man is more readily able to conclude that he can be satisfied in the relationship and commit.

In my experience I was "running and gunning" so hard in my 20 and 30 that I didn't have time to reflect or contemplate life.

So many women complain about wanting a man who is both successful and thoughtful yet they often group-think themselves out of those them.

Your wife was happy to get married to you, while you were in your 40s, other than comments by outsiders.

But, when she is 50, and you are 65, she might start second guessing the marriage. When she is 60 and you 75, and you start to need someone to care for you, she would have doubly start rethinking being married to.

There's something about growing old together. But, having a large age gap is not growing old together. It's the younger person taking care of the older person (for the most part).

For, OP, she will go from taking care of her very young child to then taking care of her older husband. That doesn't sound pleasant to me. No doubt, she would've enjoyed being with you for maybe 10 years, but after that, when you start to really age (my DH is 59), she won't be as satisfied.

Your comments above, and many of the others in this thread are very familiar because these are the type of unsolicited comments that my wife was getting from social media directed towards her after we were already married. I know because I saw them and we talked about them. It boggles my mind how people feel they have the right to inject their opinions into a married persons life in a way that causes FUC (fear, uncertainty, and doubt).

Early in the relationship I made a point to meet her parents and before marriage we all sat down in her parents kitchen and I listed all the negatives I could think of so that we could discuss them because I absolutely did not want to get married into a situation that family disagreed with and would undermine. In fact, the scenario of her being in her 50s and me in my 70s and what that would mean was one of specific scenarios we discussed. Her parents (mom in late 50's and dad in early 70) downplayed the issue and even told me that you don't know which one of you will actually need care first because, for them, her mother got cancer and her father was the one taking care of everything.

The thing that is striking to me is that there is always a price or consequence for all relationships. There is no perfect scenario and yet that appears to that everyone wants to promote the "you can do better - swipe left narrative."

In my wife's case, after a few years of online feedback she decided that she could do better (she said as much when she left). She did date several younger men some ostensibly had more money and she had a baby and they guy packed up and moved out of state. She lived with her parents for a few years and is on welfare now. She "still gets lots of attention when she is out" but that does not equal men wanting to marry her. Her mother finally got tired of the situation when she left the baby with the her to go on a weekend trip with a younger guy and her mother told he to move out. She couldn't move in with the guy because he was living at home with his parents.

For those of you who are going to say water seeks its own level, that's not exactly actuate because once she adopted the ideas being sent towards her she put herself on this trajectory. When I met her she enjoyed crafts and sewing. I watched her spend days sewing outfits and admired her for the effort it took.

The sad thing is that everyone (her, me, parents, children, etc.) could have had a nice life. Yes, I'm older but I reached a point where I've got flexibility in my career to set my schedule. That means I'm available for kid pickups and drop-offs, etc. It also means we are able to help with her parents (and mine) as they get older. There was a plan in place and all we had to do was stay the course.

So I ask, what is satisfaction in a marriage or life? is it chasing an unrealistic ideal or marriage to a somewhat older man that takes care of you well for 30 years and then you take care of him in his last 10?

In your case, your wife is a bum, so marrying and staying with you made sense.

We are urging OP not to be a bum because this man does not have enough to take care of her, her kid and his.

OP has time to change course and be independent. If she can do that, it will be a disadvantage ymto marry a divorced older man with that many kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:at 43 I married a 27 year old who by all accounts was totally over the moon to get married to me. After the marriage she decided to start posting on instagram/facebook/etc. and after that, boy did the crap start rolling in. There was a lot of negative talk from other women and it really got under her skin. So much so that she got very unhappy and started second guessing her decision. The feedback was consistently "she's a gold digger" "He must have money" "ick, he is so old" "you are so pretty, couldn't you do better?" etc. etc. etc. I'm sure she wasn't expecting that kind of feedback. She became very self conscious about us and she eventually left the marriage.

about a year after the divorce she called me up and said "I really was happy to marry you but there were people causing problems."

What I can say is that (1) women appear to be very influenced by peer pressure (2) other women can't just let other women be happy.

Consider the following:
1. Men in their 20 - 30 have a very high libido which typically far exceeds their wives. That cools off in the 40 and 50 so an age gap can help equal out libido differences.
2. Men in their 40 and 50 are a little more easy-going which can really help when dealing with kids.
3. In the 40's a man is more readily able to conclude that he can be satisfied in the relationship and commit.

In my experience I was "running and gunning" so hard in my 20 and 30 that I didn't have time to reflect or contemplate life.

So many women complain about wanting a man who is both successful and thoughtful yet they often group-think themselves out of those them.

Your wife was happy to get married to you, while you were in your 40s, other than comments by outsiders.

But, when she is 50, and you are 65, she might start second guessing the marriage. When she is 60 and you 75, and you start to need someone to care for you, she would have doubly start rethinking being married to.

There's something about growing old together. But, having a large age gap is not growing old together. It's the younger person taking care of the older person (for the most part).

For, OP, she will go from taking care of her very young child to then taking care of her older husband. That doesn't sound pleasant to me. No doubt, she would've enjoyed being with you for maybe 10 years, but after that, when you start to really age (my DH is 59), she won't be as satisfied.

Your comments above, and many of the others in this thread are very familiar because these are the type of unsolicited comments that my wife was getting from social media directed towards her after we were already married. I know because I saw them and we talked about them. It boggles my mind how people feel they have the right to inject their opinions into a married persons life in a way that causes FUC (fear, uncertainty, and doubt).

Early in the relationship I made a point to meet her parents and before marriage we all sat down in her parents kitchen and I listed all the negatives I could think of so that we could discuss them because I absolutely did not want to get married into a situation that family disagreed with and would undermine. In fact, the scenario of her being in her 50s and me in my 70s and what that would mean was one of specific scenarios we discussed. Her parents (mom in late 50's and dad in early 70) downplayed the issue and even told me that you don't know which one of you will actually need care first because, for them, her mother got cancer and her father was the one taking care of everything.

The thing that is striking to me is that there is always a price or consequence for all relationships. There is no perfect scenario and yet that appears to that everyone wants to promote the "you can do better - swipe left narrative."

In my wife's case, after a few years of online feedback she decided that she could do better (she said as much when she left). She did date several younger men some ostensibly had more money and she had a baby and they guy packed up and moved out of state. She lived with her parents for a few years and is on welfare now. She "still gets lots of attention when she is out" but that does not equal men wanting to marry her. Her mother finally got tired of the situation when she left the baby with the her to go on a weekend trip with a younger guy and her mother told he to move out. She couldn't move in with the guy because he was living at home with his parents.

For those of you who are going to say water seeks its own level, that's not exactly actuate because once she adopted the ideas being sent towards her she put herself on this trajectory. When I met her she enjoyed crafts and sewing. I watched her spend days sewing outfits and admired her for the effort it took.

The sad thing is that everyone (her, me, parents, children, etc.) could have had a nice life. Yes, I'm older but I reached a point where I've got flexibility in my career to set my schedule. That means I'm available for kid pickups and drop-offs, etc. It also means we are able to help with her parents (and mine) as they get older. There was a plan in place and all we had to do was stay the course.

So I ask, what is satisfaction in a marriage or life? is it chasing an unrealistic ideal or marriage to a somewhat older man that takes care of you well for 30 years and then you take care of him in his last 10?

You have a poor understanding of what meddling is.

OP started this thread and she started it for the purpose of soliciting opinions. She is already ambivalent about the relationship. She has every right to think carefully about her future and every right to grow and change her mind too.

You married someone who was very young, who predictably grew out of the relationship with you. It was not social media meddling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:at 43 I married a 27 year old who by all accounts was totally over the moon to get married to me. After the marriage she decided to start posting on instagram/facebook/etc. and after that, boy did the crap start rolling in. There was a lot of negative talk from other women and it really got under her skin. So much so that she got very unhappy and started second guessing her decision. The feedback was consistently "she's a gold digger" "He must have money" "ick, he is so old" "you are so pretty, couldn't you do better?" etc. etc. etc. I'm sure she wasn't expecting that kind of feedback. She became very self conscious about us and she eventually left the marriage.

about a year after the divorce she called me up and said "I really was happy to marry you but there were people causing problems."

What I can say is that (1) women appear to be very influenced by peer pressure (2) other women can't just let other women be happy.

Consider the following:
1. Men in their 20 - 30 have a very high libido which typically far exceeds their wives. That cools off in the 40 and 50 so an age gap can help equal out libido differences.
2. Men in their 40 and 50 are a little more easy-going which can really help when dealing with kids.
3. In the 40's a man is more readily able to conclude that he can be satisfied in the relationship and commit.

In my experience I was "running and gunning" so hard in my 20 and 30 that I didn't have time to reflect or contemplate life.

So many women complain about wanting a man who is both successful and thoughtful yet they often group-think themselves out of those them.

Your wife was happy to get married to you, while you were in your 40s, other than comments by outsiders.

But, when she is 50, and you are 65, she might start second guessing the marriage. When she is 60 and you 75, and you start to need someone to care for you, she would have doubly start rethinking being married to.

There's something about growing old together. But, having a large age gap is not growing old together. It's the younger person taking care of the older person (for the most part).

For, OP, she will go from taking care of her very young child to then taking care of her older husband. That doesn't sound pleasant to me. No doubt, she would've enjoyed being with you for maybe 10 years, but after that, when you start to really age (my DH is 59), she won't be as satisfied.

Your comments above, and many of the others in this thread are very familiar because these are the type of unsolicited comments that my wife was getting from social media directed towards her after we were already married. I know because I saw them and we talked about them. It boggles my mind how people feel they have the right to inject their opinions into a married persons life in a way that causes FUC (fear, uncertainty, and doubt).

Early in the relationship I made a point to meet her parents and before marriage we all sat down in her parents kitchen and I listed all the negatives I could think of so that we could discuss them because I absolutely did not want to get married into a situation that family disagreed with and would undermine. In fact, the scenario of her being in her 50s and me in my 70s and what that would mean was one of specific scenarios we discussed. Her parents (mom in late 50's and dad in early 70) downplayed the issue and even told me that you don't know which one of you will actually need care first because, for them, her mother got cancer and her father was the one taking care of everything.

The thing that is striking to me is that there is always a price or consequence for all relationships. There is no perfect scenario and yet that appears to that everyone wants to promote the "you can do better - swipe left narrative."

In my wife's case, after a few years of online feedback she decided that she could do better (she said as much when she left). She did date several younger men some ostensibly had more money and she had a baby and they guy packed up and moved out of state. She lived with her parents for a few years and is on welfare now. She "still gets lots of attention when she is out" but that does not equal men wanting to marry her. Her mother finally got tired of the situation when she left the baby with the her to go on a weekend trip with a younger guy and her mother told he to move out. She couldn't move in with the guy because he was living at home with his parents.

For those of you who are going to say water seeks its own level, that's not exactly actuate because once she adopted the ideas being sent towards her she put herself on this trajectory. When I met her she enjoyed crafts and sewing. I watched her spend days sewing outfits and admired her for the effort it took.

The sad thing is that everyone (her, me, parents, children, etc.) could have had a nice life. Yes, I'm older but I reached a point where I've got flexibility in my career to set my schedule. That means I'm available for kid pickups and drop-offs, etc. It also means we are able to help with her parents (and mine) as they get older. There was a plan in place and all we had to do was stay the course.

So I ask, what is satisfaction in a marriage or life? is it chasing an unrealistic ideal or marriage to a somewhat older man that takes care of you well for 30 years and then you take care of him in his last 10?

You have a poor understanding of what meddling is.

OP started this thread and she started it for the purpose of soliciting opinions. She is already ambivalent about the relationship. She has every right to think carefully about her future and every right to grow and change her mind too.

You married someone who was very young, who predictably grew out of the relationship with you. It was not social media meddling.

27 in not "very young" that is 1/3 of a typical human life span. In context of my post, I was talking about the unsolicited messages and public posts my wife was getting. Those comments and messages were in fact meddling. I suppose you can say she "grew out of the relationship" except "growth" connotates positive change. Hers wasn't. It was an adoption of the social media narrative. She felt judged so she changed to not be judged.

With regard to the OP, I'm not necessarily advocating for her to stay with this guy. There are too many variables for me to judge that for her BUT I agree that because she is already ambivalent and already seeking social approval that she isn't ready for a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:at 43 I married a 27 year old who by all accounts was totally over the moon to get married to me. After the marriage she decided to start posting on instagram/facebook/etc. and after that, boy did the crap start rolling in. There was a lot of negative talk from other women and it really got under her skin. So much so that she got very unhappy and started second guessing her decision. The feedback was consistently "she's a gold digger" "He must have money" "ick, he is so old" "you are so pretty, couldn't you do better?" etc. etc. etc. I'm sure she wasn't expecting that kind of feedback. She became very self conscious about us and she eventually left the marriage.

about a year after the divorce she called me up and said "I really was happy to marry you but there were people causing problems."

What I can say is that (1) women appear to be very influenced by peer pressure (2) other women can't just let other women be happy.

Consider the following:
1. Men in their 20 - 30 have a very high libido which typically far exceeds their wives. That cools off in the 40 and 50 so an age gap can help equal out libido differences.
2. Men in their 40 and 50 are a little more easy-going which can really help when dealing with kids.
3. In the 40's a man is more readily able to conclude that he can be satisfied in the relationship and commit.

In my experience I was "running and gunning" so hard in my 20 and 30 that I didn't have time to reflect or contemplate life.

So many women complain about wanting a man who is both successful and thoughtful yet they often group-think themselves out of those them.

Your wife was happy to get married to you, while you were in your 40s, other than comments by outsiders.

But, when she is 50, and you are 65, she might start second guessing the marriage. When she is 60 and you 75, and you start to need someone to care for you, she would have doubly start rethinking being married to.

There's something about growing old together. But, having a large age gap is not growing old together. It's the younger person taking care of the older person (for the most part).

For, OP, she will go from taking care of her very young child to then taking care of her older husband. That doesn't sound pleasant to me. No doubt, she would've enjoyed being with you for maybe 10 years, but after that, when you start to really age (my DH is 59), she won't be as satisfied.

Your comments above, and many of the others in this thread are very familiar because these are the type of unsolicited comments that my wife was getting from social media directed towards her after we were already married. I know because I saw them and we talked about them. It boggles my mind how people feel they have the right to inject their opinions into a married persons life in a way that causes FUC (fear, uncertainty, and doubt).

Early in the relationship I made a point to meet her parents and before marriage we all sat down in her parents kitchen and I listed all the negatives I could think of so that we could discuss them because I absolutely did not want to get married into a situation that family disagreed with and would undermine. In fact, the scenario of her being in her 50s and me in my 70s and what that would mean was one of specific scenarios we discussed. Her parents (mom in late 50's and dad in early 70) downplayed the issue and even told me that you don't know which one of you will actually need care first because, for them, her mother got cancer and her father was the one taking care of everything.

The thing that is striking to me is that there is always a price or consequence for all relationships. There is no perfect scenario and yet that appears to that everyone wants to promote the "you can do better - swipe left narrative."

In my wife's case, after a few years of online feedback she decided that she could do better (she said as much when she left). She did date several younger men some ostensibly had more money and she had a baby and they guy packed up and moved out of state. She lived with her parents for a few years and is on welfare now. She "still gets lots of attention when she is out" but that does not equal men wanting to marry her. Her mother finally got tired of the situation when she left the baby with the her to go on a weekend trip with a younger guy and her mother told he to move out. She couldn't move in with the guy because he was living at home with his parents.

For those of you who are going to say water seeks its own level, that's not exactly actuate because once she adopted the ideas being sent towards her she put herself on this trajectory. When I met her she enjoyed crafts and sewing. I watched her spend days sewing outfits and admired her for the effort it took.

The sad thing is that everyone (her, me, parents, children, etc.) could have had a nice life. Yes, I'm older but I reached a point where I've got flexibility in my career to set my schedule. That means I'm available for kid pickups and drop-offs, etc. It also means we are able to help with her parents (and mine) as they get older. There was a plan in place and all we had to do was stay the course.

So I ask, what is satisfaction in a marriage or life? is it chasing an unrealistic ideal or marriage to a somewhat older man that takes care of you well for 30 years and then you take care of him in his last 10?

You have a poor understanding of what meddling is.

OP started this thread and she started it for the purpose of soliciting opinions. She is already ambivalent about the relationship. She has every right to think carefully about her future and every right to grow and change her mind too.

You married someone who was very young, who predictably grew out of the relationship with you. It was not social media meddling.

27 in not "very young" that is 1/3 of a typical human life span. In context of my post, I was talking about the unsolicited messages and public posts my wife was getting. Those comments and messages were in fact meddling. I suppose you can say she "grew out of the relationship" except "growth" connotates positive change. Hers wasn't. It was an adoption of the social media narrative. She felt judged so she changed to not be judged.

With regard to the OP, I'm not necessarily advocating for her to stay with this guy. There are too many variables for me to judge that for her BUT I agree that because she is already ambivalent and already seeking social approval that she isn't ready for a relationship.

Most people are of the opinion that OP’s boyfriend being a decade older is in itself less of a problem than him already having 3 kids to take care of. Op already has one of her own and is not interested in being a mom to more kids.

Did you already have a boatload of kids when you got married to your young wife? If not, it doesn’t sound like your situation is relevant to Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:at 43 I married a 27 year old who by all accounts was totally over the moon to get married to me. After the marriage she decided to start posting on instagram/facebook/etc. and after that, boy did the crap start rolling in. There was a lot of negative talk from other women and it really got under her skin. So much so that she got very unhappy and started second guessing her decision. The feedback was consistently "she's a gold digger" "He must have money" "ick, he is so old" "you are so pretty, couldn't you do better?" etc. etc. etc. I'm sure she wasn't expecting that kind of feedback. She became very self conscious about us and she eventually left the marriage.

about a year after the divorce she called me up and said "I really was happy to marry you but there were people causing problems."

What I can say is that (1) women appear to be very influenced by peer pressure (2) other women can't just let other women be happy.

Consider the following:
1. Men in their 20 - 30 have a very high libido which typically far exceeds their wives. That cools off in the 40 and 50 so an age gap can help equal out libido differences.
2. Men in their 40 and 50 are a little more easy-going which can really help when dealing with kids.
3. In the 40's a man is more readily able to conclude that he can be satisfied in the relationship and commit.

In my experience I was "running and gunning" so hard in my 20 and 30 that I didn't have time to reflect or contemplate life.

So many women complain about wanting a man who is both successful and thoughtful yet they often group-think themselves out of those them.

Your wife was happy to get married to you, while you were in your 40s, other than comments by outsiders.

But, when she is 50, and you are 65, she might start second guessing the marriage. When she is 60 and you 75, and you start to need someone to care for you, she would have doubly start rethinking being married to.

There's something about growing old together. But, having a large age gap is not growing old together. It's the younger person taking care of the older person (for the most part).

For, OP, she will go from taking care of her very young child to then taking care of her older husband. That doesn't sound pleasant to me. No doubt, she would've enjoyed being with you for maybe 10 years, but after that, when you start to really age (my DH is 59), she won't be as satisfied.

Your comments above, and many of the others in this thread are very familiar because these are the type of unsolicited comments that my wife was getting from social media directed towards her after we were already married. I know because I saw them and we talked about them. It boggles my mind how people feel they have the right to inject their opinions into a married persons life in a way that causes FUC (fear, uncertainty, and doubt).

Early in the relationship I made a point to meet her parents and before marriage we all sat down in her parents kitchen and I listed all the negatives I could think of so that we could discuss them because I absolutely did not want to get married into a situation that family disagreed with and would undermine. In fact, the scenario of her being in her 50s and me in my 70s and what that would mean was one of specific scenarios we discussed. Her parents (mom in late 50's and dad in early 70) downplayed the issue and even told me that you don't know which one of you will actually need care first because, for them, her mother got cancer and her father was the one taking care of everything.

The thing that is striking to me is that there is always a price or consequence for all relationships. There is no perfect scenario and yet that appears to that everyone wants to promote the "you can do better - swipe left narrative."

In my wife's case, after a few years of online feedback she decided that she could do better (she said as much when she left). She did date several younger men some ostensibly had more money and she had a baby and they guy packed up and moved out of state. She lived with her parents for a few years and is on welfare now. She "still gets lots of attention when she is out" but that does not equal men wanting to marry her. Her mother finally got tired of the situation when she left the baby with the her to go on a weekend trip with a younger guy and her mother told he to move out. She couldn't move in with the guy because he was living at home with his parents.

For those of you who are going to say water seeks its own level, that's not exactly actuate because once she adopted the ideas being sent towards her she put herself on this trajectory. When I met her she enjoyed crafts and sewing. I watched her spend days sewing outfits and admired her for the effort it took.

The sad thing is that everyone (her, me, parents, children, etc.) could have had a nice life. Yes, I'm older but I reached a point where I've got flexibility in my career to set my schedule. That means I'm available for kid pickups and drop-offs, etc. It also means we are able to help with her parents (and mine) as they get older. There was a plan in place and all we had to do was stay the course.

So I ask, what is satisfaction in a marriage or life? is it chasing an unrealistic ideal or marriage to a somewhat older man that takes care of you well for 30 years and then you take care of him in his last 10?

It’s strange (perhaps a generational disconnect?) that you think your wife started posting your marriage on social media, and social media comments (not real people in her life) drove her to run away and end up in poverty. I hardly think a grown woman would do such a thing unless she were mentally ill.

Nevertheless, I think your story only drives home the fact that this kind of age gap is not tenable in a serious way (for either/both parties).

[Anonymous]

These older guys chasing kids posting here sound so creepy! They talk down with confidence but their advice is horrendous and certainly nothing any of us would advise our daughters to do. The whole thread is depressing but it should just be fuel to op that she needs to do better for her kid.
Several posts advising you to finish a degree or trade are what good parents would advise. Don't get overwhelmed by the negatives, people do it everyday! You may end up finding the perfect partner while taking steps to get your life on track. You will also be more attractive to better dating options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are so young! Why waste your youth on a 40 year old divorcee? I think maybe security is the answer here. And that’s fine, it just seems like such a waste.

OP has a kid already.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have one friend who was in a situation like yours, but her DH is at least rich, and they both wanted more kids and had a couple together. There are a lot of annoyances in her life related to his older kids. I don't think she cares at all about the age gap. He's still in great shape and very charismatic and charms the neighborhood moms who are her age. What makes it work in my opinion and why she seems happy and tolerant of his situation with his older kids is that he's really wealthy. No way she'd be with him otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I would assume he wants a step mom to take care of his three kids the two days a week he has them. Since OP already has a child, she's perfect.

I don't think the age gap is too large now, it will be when OP is 65.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have one friend who was in a situation like yours, but her DH is at least rich, and they both wanted more kids and had a couple together. There are a lot of annoyances in her life related to his older kids. I don't think she cares at all about the age gap. He's still in great shape and very charismatic and charms the neighborhood moms who are her age. What makes it work in my opinion and why she seems happy and tolerant of his situation with his older kids is that he's really wealthy. No way she'd be with him otherwise.

Money never sleeps

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 26F with a 3 y/o DC from a previous relationship. About 6 months ago via OLD I met a 41M (divorced with 3 DCs). I think he's great, we've really enjoyed spending time together, and at first I thought this would be casual but it's turned into a serious relationship. I don't have any desire to get married quickly or have any more kids. But I'm kind of getting the side eye from some friends and family about the age gap, and also the education gap - I never finished college but he has a graduate degree. We're exclusive but we haven't discussed anything like moving in together.

Do you think this is fine or am I going to look back on this as a mistake?

If you're in no rush to remarry and this guy is not rushing you towards the altar, I don't see why this would be a mistake if you enjoy his company. A lot of other posters are talking about what happens when he's 75, etc. But that's 35 years from now! Plus neither of you are talking about marriage.

You might be limiting your chance to meet younger suitors, but you don't want more kids and are in no rush to remarry. So what's the big deal if you miss out on dating 25 and 30 year olds for a few years?