41M too old for LTR with me (26F)?

[Anonymous]

Yikes OP, you can do better. Ask yourself, why would you want to be with a much older man with lots of kids? And ask yourself, why would he want to be with a much younger woman who would be entirely dependent on him? The answers to both of those questions are sad and just plain disturbing. Find someone your own age in a similar stage of life who actually likes you for you, not for your fleeting youth and the ability to control you.

[Anonymous]

I can guarantee you the replies saying he is too old are from other women.

Just have fun and see where it goes. It's not that big of an age gap

[Anonymous]

I don't see the problem with this at all. Even though OP is in her 20s, she has a kid so she's going to have a lot more in common with an older divorcee with his own kids than with the typical 20 something guy.

If it works, it's fine. Don't let other people get in the way. It's your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:at 43 I married a 27 year old who by all accounts was totally over the moon to get married to me. After the marriage she decided to start posting on instagram/facebook/etc. and after that, boy did the crap start rolling in. There was a lot of negative talk from other women and it really got under her skin. So much so that she got very unhappy and started second guessing her decision. The feedback was consistently "she's a gold digger" "He must have money" "ick, he is so old" "you are so pretty, couldn't you do better?" etc. etc. etc. I'm sure she wasn't expecting that kind of feedback. She became very self conscious about us and she eventually left the marriage.

about a year after the divorce she called me up and said "I really was happy to marry you but there were people causing problems."

What I can say is that (1) women appear to be very influenced by peer pressure (2) other women can't just let other women be happy.

Consider the following:
1. Men in their 20 - 30 have a very high libido which typically far exceeds their wives. That cools off in the 40 and 50 so an age gap can help equal out libido differences.
2. Men in their 40 and 50 are a little more easy-going which can really help when dealing with kids.
3. In the 40's a man is more readily able to conclude that he can be satisfied in the relationship and commit.

In my experience I was "running and gunning" so hard in my 20 and 30 that I didn't have time to reflect or contemplate life.

So many women complain about wanting a man who is both successful and thoughtful yet they often group-think themselves out of those them.

Your wife was happy to get married to you, while you were in your 40s, other than comments by outsiders.

But, when she is 50, and you are 65, she might start second guessing the marriage. When she is 60 and you 75, and you start to need someone to care for you, she would have doubly start rethinking being married to.

There's something about growing old together. But, having a large age gap is not growing old together. It's the younger person taking care of the older person (for the most part).

For, OP, she will go from taking care of her very young child to then taking care of her older husband. That doesn't sound pleasant to me. No doubt, she would've enjoyed being with you for maybe 10 years, but after that, when you start to really age (my DH is 59), she won't be as satisfied.

Your comments above, and many of the others in this thread are very familiar because these are the type of unsolicited comments that my wife was getting from social media directed towards her after we were already married. I know because I saw them and we talked about them. It boggles my mind how people feel they have the right to inject their opinions into a married persons life in a way that causes FUC (fear, uncertainty, and doubt).

Early in the relationship I made a point to meet her parents and before marriage we all sat down in her parents kitchen and I listed all the negatives I could think of so that we could discuss them because I absolutely did not want to get married into a situation that family disagreed with and would undermine. In fact, the scenario of her being in her 50s and me in my 70s and what that would mean was one of specific scenarios we discussed. Her parents (mom in late 50's and dad in early 70) downplayed the issue and even told me that you don't know which one of you will actually need care first because, for them, her mother got cancer and her father was the one taking care of everything.

The thing that is striking to me is that there is always a price or consequence for all relationships. There is no perfect scenario and yet that appears to that everyone wants to promote the "you can do better - swipe left narrative."

In my wife's case, after a few years of online feedback she decided that she could do better (she said as much when she left). She did date several younger men some ostensibly had more money and she had a baby and they guy packed up and moved out of state. She lived with her parents for a few years and is on welfare now. She "still gets lots of attention when she is out" but that does not equal men wanting to marry her. Her mother finally got tired of the situation when she left the baby with the her to go on a weekend trip with a younger guy and her mother told he to move out. She couldn't move in with the guy because he was living at home with his parents.

For those of you who are going to say water seeks its own level, that's not exactly actuate because once she adopted the ideas being sent towards her she put herself on this trajectory. When I met her she enjoyed crafts and sewing. I watched her spend days sewing outfits and admired her for the effort it took.

The sad thing is that everyone (her, me, parents, children, etc.) could have had a nice life. Yes, I'm older but I reached a point where I've got flexibility in my career to set my schedule. That means I'm available for kid pickups and drop-offs, etc. It also means we are able to help with her parents (and mine) as they get older. There was a plan in place and all we had to do was stay the course.

So I ask, what is satisfaction in a marriage or life? is it chasing an unrealistic ideal or marriage to a somewhat older man that takes care of you well for 30 years and then you take care of him in his last 10?

I think the better scenario—and not an unrealistic one since it’s in fact the most common—is that both partners are equals and roughly contemporaries and able to care for each other back and forth over a lifetime. Perhaps your ex-wife was not enthusiastic about being “cared for” by someone older; that sounds more like a parent-child dynamic and would make many people chafe.

I thought your story was sad. I also think that people don’t change their fundamental nature, not without a lot of time and self-reflection, and hard work. A loyal, committed wife doesn’t leave a husband due to a few judgmental comments on social media; she uses the “block” button. I think your partner maybe never was all in, or the comments just lent validation to doubts she had herself.

And an emotionally stable and healthy woman does not bounce from relationship to relationship while on welfare ISO wealthy men, have kids with deadbeats, then seek attention at parties while pawning her child off to date yet more men. Your ex-wife probably always had the issues that drove her to this lifestyle. Maybe she just masked them for a while and blinded you with the sewing. The social media and your divorce may have been what precipitated her issues, but maybe they’d have happened regardless.

You sound like a thoughtful person. Perhaps you dodged a bullet in not having children with this woman. I hope in your next relationship you find someone mature and healthy. Perhaps you can still have that life you wanted, where you pick up and drop off kids, and care for a partner, and be cared for in return.

[Anonymous]

I married a slightly older divorced guy with 3 kids, one of whom is special needs. I was childless myself, and a lot older than you. I married him because I loved him. And would marry him again today.

Having said that, marrying someone with kids is COMPLEX. How does he discipline? Is he supportive? Does he have them 50% of the time? Or let ex wife do most of the parenting? They are expensive. How would salaries and savings be handled to care for his 3 and your 1 child? College savings? Down payments on houses (if that's within your abilities/goals, just putting out large-ticket items here for consideration)? Marriage costs? And so on.

I could handle it just fine at 35. I had an established career. I had my own retirement savings and regular savings. I am not so sure I would want to handle it at 26.

That doesn't mean you should end it. Just know that things could be more complicated, more quickly, than you might have imagined. I'd just go slowly. If you have a real, enduring connection, you will figure that out. Wishing you all the best.

[Anonymous]

The 15 year age difference by T.O.K. now but as time goes on I’ll become a decrepit old man and you’ll still be young; It will be miserable!

[Anonymous]

Meant it might be ok now. It won’t be over time

[Anonymous]

No. Three kids. Forties. Not good. You are too young to put up with that baggage.

Since you don’t have a college degree and he has a grad degree, he’s probably just using you for sex. I doubt he will marry you.

Go back to college, even if it takes you a while to get your degree while working part time. A college degree will help you get a better job and you will have better dating prospects. Many well educated men with good jobs don’t want to marry someone without a college degree. Sounds snobby but the it’s true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 26F with a 3 y/o DC from a previous relationship. About 6 months ago via OLD I met a 41M (divorced with 3 DCs). I think he's great, we've really enjoyed spending time together, and at first I thought this would be casual but it's turned into a serious relationship. I don't have any desire to get married quickly or have any more kids. But I'm kind of getting the side eye from some friends and family about the age gap, and also the education gap - I never finished college but he has a graduate degree. We're exclusive but we haven't discussed anything like moving in together.

Do you think this is fine or am I going to look back on this as a mistake?

If you're in no rush to remarry and this guy is not rushing you towards the altar, I don't see why this would be a mistake if you enjoy his company. A lot of other posters are talking about what happens when he's 75, etc. But that's 35 years from now! Plus neither of you are talking about marriage.

You might be limiting your chance to meet younger suitors, but you don't want more kids and are in no rush to remarry. So what's the big deal if you miss out on dating 25 and 30 year olds for a few years?

This is my thought. You’ve only been together for 6 months. Let’s not jump ahead. Enjoy the attention and go from there. It doesn’t have to turn into marriage at all or more kids. Use birth control and have fun. In the meantime, figure out what you want to do professionally and work toward it.