41M too old for LTR with me (26F)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. We actually live in a different metro area (not DC). To answer some of the questions - he is not rich but he has a good professional job. OTOH I'm probably underemployed, working for my mom in a small family business (which is its own annoyance). His kids are significantly older than mine (the oldest will be graduating HS in a couple years).
You are.closer in age to his child than him.
It seems he married and had kids young and instead of growing up he's trying to relive his youth.
He gets along with his ex and he only has his kids 2 days a week . It's a red flag for me when a dad sees his kids so little. Mom is doing the heavy lifting so be prepared that you will be doing the same should the relationship continue.
Physically he's in great shape (but is losing a little hair at the back) and we're very compatible there. And to the poster who said I must be fat - I'm not - [b]I've had a kid but haven't let myself go at all. Still get plenty of attention when I'm out.
[/[/b
You're 26 this isn't special.

Coming at you like your mom or aunt it doesn't seem like you or anyone else has had any expectations for you or your life you're just coasting along and seeing what happens. I think you are better than just coasting. What do you want for your life and your kid? What are your plans and goals?. You are very young and this is a great time to work on that. Make plan. Don't just accept what happens to you or crumbs

]quote]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey, the world is your oyster. You are young, you are done with kids, your kid is past the daycare years. Now is the time to build a career, whether you choose to go to college or another route. You have tons of time and way less pressure to keep dating and find just the right fit. Don’t chain yourself to a middle aged guy with 3 kids. He has been there, done that.

This is BS. She is young but the world isn’t her oyster lol. She’s undereducated and has baggage ie her kid. Do you really think she has the money or free time to go to college or do something other than a menial job? This 41 year old might be one of the better options she has going on.

Whatever you do don't listen to clowns like this who don't want you to do better and want to shame you and punish you for being a single mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. We actually live in a different metro area (not DC). To answer some of the questions - he is not rich but he has a good professional job. OTOH I'm probably underemployed, working for my mom in a small family business (which is its own annoyance). His kids are significantly older than mine (the oldest will be graduating HS in a couple years). He gets along with his ex and he only has his kids 2 days a week. Physically he's in great shape (but is losing a little hair at the back) and we're very compatible there. And to the poster who said I must be fat - I'm not - I've had a kid but haven't let myself go at all. Still get plenty of attention when I'm out.

If he has his kids only 2 days a week, isn’t he paying a good chunk of alimony?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:at 43 I married a 27 year old who by all accounts was totally over the moon to get married to me. After the marriage she decided to start posting on instagram/facebook/etc. and after that, boy did the crap start rolling in. There was a lot of negative talk from other women and it really got under her skin. So much so that she got very unhappy and started second guessing her decision. The feedback was consistently "she's a gold digger" "He must have money" "ick, he is so old" "you are so pretty, couldn't you do better?" etc. etc. etc. I'm sure she wasn't expecting that kind of feedback. She became very self conscious about us and she eventually left the marriage.

about a year after the divorce she called me up and said "I really was happy to marry you but there were people causing problems."

What I can say is that (1) women appear to be very influenced by peer pressure (2) other women can't just let other women be happy.

Consider the following:
1. Men in their 20 - 30 have a very high libido which typically far exceeds their wives. That cools off in the 40 and 50 so an age gap can help equal out libido differences.
2. Men in their 40 and 50 are a little more easy-going which can really help when dealing with kids.
3. In the 40's a man is more readily able to conclude that he can be satisfied in the relationship and commit.

In my experience I was "running and gunning" so hard in my 20 and 30 that I didn't have time to reflect or contemplate life.

So many women complain about wanting a man who is both successful and thoughtful yet they often group-think themselves out of those them.

You are still clueless and it's sad

When you use insults and shaming language you've lost the argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. We actually live in a different metro area (not DC). To answer some of the questions - he is not rich but he has a good professional job. OTOH I'm probably underemployed, working for my mom in a small family business (which is its own annoyance). His kids are significantly older than mine (the oldest will be graduating HS in a couple years). He gets along with his ex and he only has his kids 2 days a week. Physically he's in great shape (but is losing a little hair at the back) and we're very compatible there. And to the poster who said I must be fat - I'm not - I've had a kid but haven't let myself go at all. Still get plenty of attention when I'm out.

Good professional job and three tweens/teens means cash strapped. He is looking for someone to share the load. And then there is college…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey, the world is your oyster. You are young, you are done with kids, your kid is past the daycare years. Now is the time to build a career, whether you choose to go to college or another route. You have tons of time and way less pressure to keep dating and find just the right fit. Don’t chain yourself to a middle aged guy with 3 kids. He has been there, done that.

This is BS. She is young but the world isn’t her oyster lol. She’s undereducated and has baggage ie her kid. Do you really think she has the money or free time to go to college or do something other than a menial job? This 41 year old might be one of the better options she has going on.

Whatever you do don't listen to clowns like this who don't want you to do better and want to shame you and punish you for being a single mom.

All young single moms I know of married single guys in early to mid thirties. OP can and should do better, if not for herself for her kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. We actually live in a different metro area (not DC). To answer some of the questions - he is not rich but he has a good professional job. OTOH I'm probably underemployed, working for my mom in a small family business (which is its own annoyance). His kids are significantly older than mine (the oldest will be graduating HS in a couple years). He gets along with his ex and he only has his kids 2 days a week. Physically he's in great shape (but is losing a little hair at the back) and we're very compatible there. And to the poster who said I must be fat - I'm not - I've had a kid but haven't let myself go at all. Still get plenty of attention when I'm out.

This may or may not work out. Think about all the perspectives of the people involved, are you welcome among his kids?
Out of curiosity, did you have a good father raising you well and living at your home growing up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. We actually live in a different metro area (not DC). To answer some of the questions - he is not rich but he has a good professional job. OTOH I'm probably underemployed, working for my mom in a small family business (which is its own annoyance). His kids are significantly older than mine (the oldest will be graduating HS in a couple years). He gets along with his ex and he only has his kids 2 days a week. Physically he's in great shape (but is losing a little hair at the back) and we're very compatible there. And to the poster who said I must be fat - I'm not - I've had a kid but haven't let myself go at all. Still get plenty of attention when I'm out.

Then WHY are you settling for a man with three minor children he has 2 days out of the week when you DON’T WANT MORE CHILDREN?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 26F with a 3 y/o DC from a previous relationship. About 6 months ago via OLD I met a 41M (divorced with 3 DCs). I think he's great, we've really enjoyed spending time together, and at first I thought this would be casual but it's turned into a serious relationship. I don't have any desire to get married quickly or have any more kids. But I'm kind of getting the side eye from some friends and family about the age gap, and also the education gap - I never finished college but he has a graduate degree. We're exclusive but we haven't discussed anything like moving in together.

Do you think this is fine or am I going to look back on this as a mistake?

Ask your friends and family, not jerks with chips on their shoulders who don't know you or him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 26F with a 3 y/o DC from a previous relationship. About 6 months ago via OLD I met a 41M (divorced with 3 DCs). I think he's great, we've really enjoyed spending time together, and at first I thought this would be casual but it's turned into a serious relationship. I don't have any desire to get married quickly or have any more kids. But I'm kind of getting the side eye from some friends and family about the age gap, and also the education gap - I never finished college but he has a graduate degree. We're exclusive but we haven't discussed anything like moving in together.

Do you think this is fine or am I going to look back on this as a mistake?

Ask your friends and family, not jerks with chips on their shoulders who don't know you or him.

Read up, friends and family have given her the side eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:at 43 I married a 27 year old who by all accounts was totally over the moon to get married to me. After the marriage she decided to start posting on instagram/facebook/etc. and after that, boy did the crap start rolling in. There was a lot of negative talk from other women and it really got under her skin. So much so that she got very unhappy and started second guessing her decision. The feedback was consistently "she's a gold digger" "He must have money" "ick, he is so old" "you are so pretty, couldn't you do better?" etc. etc. etc. I'm sure she wasn't expecting that kind of feedback. She became very self conscious about us and she eventually left the marriage.

about a year after the divorce she called me up and said "I really was happy to marry you but there were people causing problems."

What I can say is that (1) women appear to be very influenced by peer pressure (2) other women can't just let other women be happy.

Consider the following:
1. Men in their 20 - 30 have a very high libido which typically far exceeds their wives. That cools off in the 40 and 50 so an age gap can help equal out libido differences.
2. Men in their 40 and 50 are a little more easy-going which can really help when dealing with kids.
3. In the 40's a man is more readily able to conclude that he can be satisfied in the relationship and commit.

In my experience I was "running and gunning" so hard in my 20 and 30 that I didn't have time to reflect or contemplate life.

So many women complain about wanting a man who is both successful and thoughtful yet they often group-think themselves out of those them.

You are still clueless and it's sad

When you use insults and shaming language you've lost the argument.

Keep mansplaning not at all surprised your dating options are limited to 27 yo who don't know better

[Anonymous]

I agree with others that it’s not the age gap that’s the issue here. Getting major codependency vibes.

Focus on getting your stuff together, unraveling your livelihood from the family business, then see how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the only way I would give this guy the time of the day is if he could help you with expenses while you finish college while working full time. This is very challenging financially and energy wise, so if he can help you during this time, he gets a few years. Then give him a thank you kiss and send him on is way. You would have both got what you needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s less about the age gap than it is about who actually wants to sign up for an old divorcee with 3 kids? You can’t do any better than that?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:at 43 I married a 27 year old who by all accounts was totally over the moon to get married to me. After the marriage she decided to start posting on instagram/facebook/etc. and after that, boy did the crap start rolling in. There was a lot of negative talk from other women and it really got under her skin. So much so that she got very unhappy and started second guessing her decision. The feedback was consistently "she's a gold digger" "He must have money" "ick, he is so old" "you are so pretty, couldn't you do better?" etc. etc. etc. I'm sure she wasn't expecting that kind of feedback. She became very self conscious about us and she eventually left the marriage.

about a year after the divorce she called me up and said "I really was happy to marry you but there were people causing problems."

What I can say is that (1) women appear to be very influenced by peer pressure (2) other women can't just let other women be happy.

Consider the following:
1. Men in their 20 - 30 have a very high libido which typically far exceeds their wives. That cools off in the 40 and 50 so an age gap can help equal out libido differences.
2. Men in their 40 and 50 are a little more easy-going which can really help when dealing with kids.
3. In the 40's a man is more readily able to conclude that he can be satisfied in the relationship and commit.

In my experience I was "running and gunning" so hard in my 20 and 30 that I didn't have time to reflect or contemplate life.

So many women complain about wanting a man who is both successful and thoughtful yet they often group-think themselves out of those them.

Your wife was happy to get married to you, while you were in your 40s, other than comments by outsiders.

But, when she is 50, and you are 65, she might start second guessing the marriage. When she is 60 and you 75, and you start to need someone to care for you, she would have doubly start rethinking being married to.

There's something about growing old together. But, having a large age gap is not growing old together. It's the younger person taking care of the older person (for the most part).

For, OP, she will go from taking care of her very young child to then taking care of her older husband. That doesn't sound pleasant to me. No doubt, she would've enjoyed being with you for maybe 10 years, but after that, when you start to really age (my DH is 59), she won't be as satisfied.