Husband stopping at random dive bars for one beer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is a 3rd place? I think I missed all that

A place that is neither home nor work that you might use to stop and relax or decompress, especially after a stressful day. Think the bar from Cheers.

[Anonymous]

The only reason that I would be bothered is that I didn't know that he did this. I would be 100% OK with this, but the fact that it feels hidden would bother me. But we would normally share this sort of detail of our day, especially if it were a regular thing. Maybe you guys don't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is a 3rd place? I think I missed all that

Not your home, not your office, but somewhere you frequent.

The British and Irish have pubs, Germans Bierhalls, Dutch have cafes, French, Spanish, Italians, Greeks have bistros, tavernas, etc.


Americans have church.

But do we?

Coffee shops are a great example of the third place. Americans really need to figure out how to just go relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only reason that I would be bothered is that I didn't know that he did this. I would be 100% OK with this, but the fact that it feels hidden would bother me. But we would normally share this sort of detail of our day, especially if it were a regular thing. Maybe you guys don't?

Do you have to know everything your spouse does?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only reason that I would be bothered is that I didn't know that he did this. I would be 100% OK with this, but the fact that it feels hidden would bother me. But we would normally share this sort of detail of our day, especially if it were a regular thing. Maybe you guys don't?

Do you have to know everything your spouse does?

Of course not. If this happened sometimes, I'd be fine. I could b wrong, but I thought OP was saying this was a regular thing. Like weekly. Yeah, it would be a betrayal if he didn't share something he does weekly during work. But that's our dynamic. And I bet my husband would agree. Everyone has a different threshold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to go to a dive bar, but it was closed down. I need a new one .
I walk into any bar/restaurant as if I own the place. I used to be a bartender. I need a bartender, bar seat, and a beer. I don't even need people around me.They can all rush home up above on street while I'm chilling.
Ok, op, which bar? I'll go check him out. He will never know you sent me.

She said he goes to random different ones. This is all fishy to me, especially since she only found out about it by credit card receipts.

There are several of you who keep making inferences from the fact that she "found out about it by checking credit card receipts." I think the only thing she found out was that he was drinking beer. She said that he has answered the cell phone when she has called while he is in these places and she's mentioned she's heard the background noise. She apparently thought he was somewhere else that was noisy with possible television in the background and didn't realize that he was at a bar getting a drink. But he wasn't doing anything fishy and he wasn't trying to hide anything. He just didn't think that a 5-15 min side trip on the way home was significant enough to mention.

Most people who stop at Starbucks or Panera on the way to work for 5-15 min to grab a coffee and a pastry wouldn't think that it was worth mentioning, so why would a 5-15 stop on the way home be worth mentioning. Do you all mean to say that you mention every time you stop for coffee or to put in gas in the car or any one of other errands to your spouse? That sounds like a lot of tedium in your daily conversations. I really don't want to hear a blow by blow of my spouse's commute or errands.

My ex answered the phone when he was the ow. She was married too. They both did so as not to rouse suspicion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone in a stressful job tell me if one light beer eases pressure or something? I don’t think a man even gets a “buzz” from one beer, right?

One light beer is enough to take the edge off, especially if he’s had a crazy day and just needs to decompress.

I have a hard time decompressing at home. Spouse wants my attention, kids want my attention, there’s a list of evening routine to do…it’s stressful.

[Anonymous]

I’d not like this. Why is he doing this alone when he’s got a wife who may like to join him, or who would like to see him? Why does he not want you to share in this cool experience with him where nobody knows his name? Why does he need or want to be someplace where nobody knows him to partake in a legal adult activity? Just weird. Even people who consumjed pot before it became legal told their families.. if they liked their families. It wasn’t a secret, and you generally knew where they were, who they were with and what they were doing, none of this random “I’m going to stop off randomly for um just one and nobody I know better see me”. Totally strange for an adult to do when the activity is 100 percent legal and has been for decades.

My sense is that he’s either trying to see what you’ll put up with, or something more is going on, picking up women or trying to, illegal drug use, gambling something that you aren’t going to like. Either that, or he’s becoming selfish, what are you doing when he’s randomly stopping at bars? Does he know or care or does he just expect you’ve got it covered because you’re the woman and are home anyway? That’s disrespectful and would be untenable to me. Whatever is or isn’t going on, I would be sad that my husband was creating a lifestyle in which he did not want me to share with him. That would then become a marriage I no longer would want to be in. I don’t know if that’s the answer for you, but no way would I allow this oddball behavior to continue, and while I can’t control another person, I can very much control what I do next.

[Anonymous]

My dad used to do this - and leave us in the car!

He was a genuine extrovert and adventurous and an alcoholic and liked talking to strangers. He even owned a bar for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I’d not like this. Why is he doing this alone when he’s got a wife who may like to join him, or who would like to see him? Why does he not want you to share in this cool experience with him where nobody knows his name? Why does he need or want to be someplace where nobody knows him to partake in a legal adult activity? Just weird. Even people who consumjed pot before it became legal told their families.. if they liked their families. It wasn’t a secret, and you generally knew where they were, who they were with and what they were doing, none of this random “I’m going to stop off randomly for um just one and nobody I know better see me”. Totally strange for an adult to do when the activity is 100 percent legal and has been for decades.

My sense is that he’s either trying to see what you’ll put up with, or something more is going on, picking up women or trying to, illegal drug use, gambling something that you aren’t going to like. Either that, or he’s becoming selfish, what are you doing when he’s randomly stopping at bars? Does he know or care or does he just expect you’ve got it covered because you’re the woman and are home anyway? That’s disrespectful and would be untenable to me. Whatever is or isn’t going on, I would be sad that my husband was creating a lifestyle in which he did not want me to share with him. That would then become a marriage I no longer would want to be in. I don’t know if that’s the answer for you, but no way would I allow this oddball behavior to continue, and while I can’t control another person, I can very much control what I do next.

Grabbing a quick single light beer once in a while is a “lifestyle”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad used to do this - and leave us in the car!

He was a genuine extrovert and adventurous and an alcoholic and liked talking to strangers. He even owned a bar for a while.

My dad did similar with us in the car. He’d get a double scotch and his excuse was he needed to grab something out of his locker at the country club!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only reason that I would be bothered is that I didn't know that he did this. I would be 100% OK with this, but the fact that it feels hidden would bother me. But we would normally share this sort of detail of our day, especially if it were a regular thing. Maybe you guys don't?

Do you have to know everything your spouse does?

Of course not. If this happened sometimes, I'd be fine. I could b wrong, but I thought OP was saying this was a regular thing. Like weekly. Yeah, it would be a betrayal if he didn't share something he does weekly during work. But that's our dynamic. And I bet my husband would agree. Everyone has a different threshold.

A “betrayal”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I’d not like this. Why is he doing this alone when he’s got a wife who may like to join him, or who would like to see him? Why does he not want you to share in this cool experience with him where nobody knows his name? Why does he need or want to be someplace where nobody knows him to partake in a legal adult activity? Just weird. Even people who consumjed pot before it became legal told their families.. if they liked their families. It wasn’t a secret, and you generally knew where they were, who they were with and what they were doing, none of this random “I’m going to stop off randomly for um just one and nobody I know better see me”. Totally strange for an adult to do when the activity is 100 percent legal and has been for decades.

My sense is that he’s either trying to see what you’ll put up with, or something more is going on, picking up women or trying to, illegal drug use, gambling something that you aren’t going to like. Either that, or he’s becoming selfish, what are you doing when he’s randomly stopping at bars? Does he know or care or does he just expect you’ve got it covered because you’re the woman and are home anyway? That’s disrespectful and would be untenable to me. Whatever is or isn’t going on, I would be sad that my husband was creating a lifestyle in which he did not want me to share with him. That would then become a marriage I no longer would want to be in. I don’t know if that’s the answer for you, but no way would I allow this oddball behavior to continue, and while I can’t control another person, I can very much control what I do next.

You sound really controlling and insecure, tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is a 3rd place? I think I missed all that

Not your home, not your office, but somewhere you frequent.

The British and Irish have pubs, Germans Bierhalls, Dutch have cafes, French, Spanish, Italians, Greeks have bistros, tavernas, etc.


Americans have church.

Fewer and fewer Americans have church. But I think part of the point of a third place is that it brings you into contact with people outside your ordinary realm, anyway.

The suspicion and control evident in some of the posts here go a long way toward explaining why so many marriages struggle and why so many Americans have trouble connecting with anyone outside their own little bubbles. I bet a lot of you track your partners’ movements through their phones, too. What a way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I’d not like this. Why is he doing this alone when he’s got a wife who may like to join him, or who would like to see him? Why does he not want you to share in this cool experience with him where nobody knows his name? Why does he need or want to be someplace where nobody knows him to partake in a legal adult activity? Just weird. Even people who consumjed pot before it became legal told their families.. if they liked their families. It wasn’t a secret, and you generally knew where they were, who they were with and what they were doing, none of this random “I’m going to stop off randomly for um just one and nobody I know better see me”. Totally strange for an adult to do when the activity is 100 percent legal and has been for decades.

My sense is that he’s either trying to see what you’ll put up with, or something more is going on, picking up women or trying to, illegal drug use, gambling something that you aren’t going to like. Either that, or he’s becoming selfish, what are you doing when he’s randomly stopping at bars? Does he know or care or does he just expect you’ve got it covered because you’re the woman and are home anyway? That’s disrespectful and would be untenable to me. Whatever is or isn’t going on, I would be sad that my husband was creating a lifestyle in which he did not want me to share with him. That would then become a marriage I no longer would want to be in. I don’t know if that’s the answer for you, but no way would I allow this oddball behavior to continue, and while I can’t control another person, I can very much control what I do next.

You sound really controlling and insecure, tbh.

That poster sounds sharp. The rest of you sound like hoodwinked idiots. Anyone that has an alcoholic in the family knows how well they mask it. I had a very high functioning alcoholic husband and had no idea in addition to the “1 decompression beer” he was downing Tito’s vodka secretly. Nothing was amiss. He didn’t smell like booze. He was crushing it at work, etc. it gets worse over time and, yes, he was meeting married women off of Ashley Madison for a drink or coffee first. I was “cool wife” like these posters and thought oh he works long hours he deserves a solo drink blah blah blah.

I’m telling you this shady AF. The secrets are a big tip off. He didn’t tell her he stops at random bars she discovered it and it’s unclear if that’s the real or whole story.