Husband stopping at random dive bars for one beer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I’d not like this. Why is he doing this alone when he’s got a wife who may like to join him, or who would like to see him? Why does he not want you to share in this cool experience with him where nobody knows his name? Why does he need or want to be someplace where nobody knows him to partake in a legal adult activity? Just weird. Even people who consumjed pot before it became legal told their families.. if they liked their families. It wasn’t a secret, and you generally knew where they were, who they were with and what they were doing, none of this random “I’m going to stop off randomly for um just one and nobody I know better see me”. Totally strange for an adult to do when the activity is 100 percent legal and has been for decades.

My sense is that he’s either trying to see what you’ll put up with, or something more is going on, picking up women or trying to, illegal drug use, gambling something that you aren’t going to like. Either that, or he’s becoming selfish, what are you doing when he’s randomly stopping at bars? Does he know or care or does he just expect you’ve got it covered because you’re the woman and are home anyway? That’s disrespectful and would be untenable to me. Whatever is or isn’t going on, I would be sad that my husband was creating a lifestyle in which he did not want me to share with him. That would then become a marriage I no longer would want to be in. I don’t know if that’s the answer for you, but no way would I allow this oddball behavior to continue, and while I can’t control another person, I can very much control what I do next.

You sound really controlling and insecure, tbh.

That poster sounds sharp. The rest of you sound like hoodwinked idiots. Anyone that has an alcoholic in the family knows how well they mask it. I had a very high functioning alcoholic husband and had no idea in addition to the “1 decompression beer” he was downing Tito’s vodka secretly. Nothing was amiss. He didn’t smell like booze. He was crushing it at work, etc. it gets worse over time and, yes, he was meeting married women off of Ashley Madison for a drink or coffee first. I was “cool wife” like these posters and thought oh he works long hours he deserves a solo drink blah blah blah.

I’m telling you this shady AF. The secrets are a big tip off. He didn’t tell her he stops at random bars she discovered it and it’s unclear if that’s the real or whole story.

I’m sorry this happened to you. I imagine that would make it hard to trust anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I’d not like this. Why is he doing this alone when he’s got a wife who may like to join him, or who would like to see him? Why does he not want you to share in this cool experience with him where nobody knows his name? Why does he need or want to be someplace where nobody knows him to partake in a legal adult activity? Just weird. Even people who consumjed pot before it became legal told their families.. if they liked their families. It wasn’t a secret, and you generally knew where they were, who they were with and what they were doing, none of this random “I’m going to stop off randomly for um just one and nobody I know better see me”. Totally strange for an adult to do when the activity is 100 percent legal and has been for decades.

My sense is that he’s either trying to see what you’ll put up with, or something more is going on, picking up women or trying to, illegal drug use, gambling something that you aren’t going to like. Either that, or he’s becoming selfish, what are you doing when he’s randomly stopping at bars? Does he know or care or does he just expect you’ve got it covered because you’re the woman and are home anyway? That’s disrespectful and would be untenable to me. Whatever is or isn’t going on, I would be sad that my husband was creating a lifestyle in which he did not want me to share with him. That would then become a marriage I no longer would want to be in. I don’t know if that’s the answer for you, but no way would I allow this oddball behavior to continue, and while I can’t control another person, I can very much control what I do next.

Do you ever need to be alone for just a few minutes to relax, destress or collect yourself? At home, have you ever retreated to the bathroom to read on your phone, just to get away from the spouse, the dirty kitchen or the kids for 10 minutes? Have you ever been home and decided to go run a quick errand that needed to be done, so that you could stop and grab a coffee and drink it in your car just for the quiet?

You may never need downtime, but if so, you are a very small minority of the population. The majority of the population periodically gets stressed, overwhelmed or just exhausted from their life and needs a little downtime. I am a night owl. My kids go to sleep and my spouse and I watch TV for an hour and then they go to bed. I have 1-2 hours after spouse goes to sleep to chill and get my decompression time. But if I didn't have that, I might need time elsewhere in my day for the downtime.

I don't discount that any of the other things you posit might happen. I just think it's a big leap to go from stopping for a 5-15 min beer occasionally to making those assumptions.

As for the disrespect, it's only disrespect if the SAHM does not get any downtime to herself. But coming home 15 minutes later than you would is not disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I’d not like this. Why is he doing this alone when he’s got a wife who may like to join him, or who would like to see him? Why does he not want you to share in this cool experience with him where nobody knows his name? Why does he need or want to be someplace where nobody knows him to partake in a legal adult activity? Just weird. Even people who consumjed pot before it became legal told their families.. if they liked their families. It wasn’t a secret, and you generally knew where they were, who they were with and what they were doing, none of this random “I’m going to stop off randomly for um just one and nobody I know better see me”. Totally strange for an adult to do when the activity is 100 percent legal and has been for decades.

My sense is that he’s either trying to see what you’ll put up with, or something more is going on, picking up women or trying to, illegal drug use, gambling something that you aren’t going to like. Either that, or he’s becoming selfish, what are you doing when he’s randomly stopping at bars? Does he know or care or does he just expect you’ve got it covered because you’re the woman and are home anyway? That’s disrespectful and would be untenable to me. Whatever is or isn’t going on, I would be sad that my husband was creating a lifestyle in which he did not want me to share with him. That would then become a marriage I no longer would want to be in. I don’t know if that’s the answer for you, but no way would I allow this oddball behavior to continue, and while I can’t control another person, I can very much control what I do next.

Do you ever need to be alone for just a few minutes to relax, destress or collect yourself? At home, have you ever retreated to the bathroom to read on your phone, just to get away from the spouse, the dirty kitchen or the kids for 10 minutes? Have you ever been home and decided to go run a quick errand that needed to be done, so that you could stop and grab a coffee and drink it in your car just for the quiet?

You may never need downtime, but if so, you are a very small minority of the population. The majority of the population periodically gets stressed, overwhelmed or just exhausted from their life and needs a little downtime. I am a night owl. My kids go to sleep and my spouse and I watch TV for an hour and then they go to bed. I have 1-2 hours after spouse goes to sleep to chill and get my decompression time. But if I didn't have that, I might need time elsewhere in my day for the downtime.

I don't discount that any of the other things you posit might happen. I just think it's a big leap to go from stopping for a 5-15 min beer occasionally to making those assumptions.

As for the disrespect, it's only disrespect if the SAHM does not get any downtime to herself. But coming home 15 minutes later than you would is not disrespectful.

All of this. I am mystified by posters who suggest that individuals in a marriage must have no privacy, no agency, nor any spontaneity.

No wonder there are so many miserable people on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I’d not like this. Why is he doing this alone when he’s got a wife who may like to join him, or who would like to see him? Why does he not want you to share in this cool experience with him where nobody knows his name? Why does he need or want to be someplace where nobody knows him to partake in a legal adult activity? Just weird. Even people who consumjed pot before it became legal told their families.. if they liked their families. It wasn’t a secret, and you generally knew where they were, who they were with and what they were doing, none of this random “I’m going to stop off randomly for um just one and nobody I know better see me”. Totally strange for an adult to do when the activity is 100 percent legal and has been for decades.

My sense is that he’s either trying to see what you’ll put up with, or something more is going on, picking up women or trying to, illegal drug use, gambling something that you aren’t going to like. Either that, or he’s becoming selfish, what are you doing when he’s randomly stopping at bars? Does he know or care or does he just expect you’ve got it covered because you’re the woman and are home anyway? That’s disrespectful and would be untenable to me. Whatever is or isn’t going on, I would be sad that my husband was creating a lifestyle in which he did not want me to share with him. That would then become a marriage I no longer would want to be in. I don’t know if that’s the answer for you, but no way would I allow this oddball behavior to continue, and while I can’t control another person, I can very much control what I do next.

You sound really controlling and insecure, tbh.

That poster sounds sharp. The rest of you sound like hoodwinked idiots. Anyone that has an alcoholic in the family knows how well they mask it. I had a very high functioning alcoholic husband and had no idea in addition to the “1 decompression beer” he was downing Tito’s vodka secretly. Nothing was amiss. He didn’t smell like booze. He was crushing it at work, etc. it gets worse over time and, yes, he was meeting married women off of Ashley Madison for a drink or coffee first. I was “cool wife” like these posters and thought oh he works long hours he deserves a solo drink blah blah blah.

I’m telling you this shady AF. The secrets are a big tip off. He didn’t tell her he stops at random bars she discovered it and it’s unclear if that’s the real or whole story.

Similar story. I immediately thought same thing when I saw it was a “secret” she did not know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I’d not like this. Why is he doing this alone when he’s got a wife who may like to join him, or who would like to see him? Why does he not want you to share in this cool experience with him where nobody knows his name? Why does he need or want to be someplace where nobody knows him to partake in a legal adult activity? Just weird. Even people who consumjed pot before it became legal told their families.. if they liked their families. It wasn’t a secret, and you generally knew where they were, who they were with and what they were doing, none of this random “I’m going to stop off randomly for um just one and nobody I know better see me”. Totally strange for an adult to do when the activity is 100 percent legal and has been for decades.

My sense is that he’s either trying to see what you’ll put up with, or something more is going on, picking up women or trying to, illegal drug use, gambling something that you aren’t going to like. Either that, or he’s becoming selfish, what are you doing when he’s randomly stopping at bars? Does he know or care or does he just expect you’ve got it covered because you’re the woman and are home anyway? That’s disrespectful and would be untenable to me. Whatever is or isn’t going on, I would be sad that my husband was creating a lifestyle in which he did not want me to share with him. That would then become a marriage I no longer would want to be in. I don’t know if that’s the answer for you, but no way would I allow this oddball behavior to continue, and while I can’t control another person, I can very much control what I do next.

N E E D Y

[Anonymous]

This is a weird one, because if it is happening as presented, it’s fine, but something about it doesn’t ring true. At all.

[Anonymous]

Agree with pp. keep your eyes wide open, I would not completely trust his story.

[Anonymous]

A grown man can finish a beer in two or three minutes, which is less time than it takes to urine in a restroom. Wives on here want to know where their husband is every second of every single day? Oy vey, you all are wound very tight. Dare I say paranoid pessimists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I’d not like this. Why is he doing this alone when he’s got a wife who may like to join him, or who would like to see him? Why does he not want you to share in this cool experience with him where nobody knows his name? Why does he need or want to be someplace where nobody knows him to partake in a legal adult activity? Just weird. Even people who consumjed pot before it became legal told their families.. if they liked their families. It wasn’t a secret, and you generally knew where they were, who they were with and what they were doing, none of this random “I’m going to stop off randomly for um just one and nobody I know better see me”. Totally strange for an adult to do when the activity is 100 percent legal and has been for decades.

My sense is that he’s either trying to see what you’ll put up with, or something more is going on, picking up women or trying to, illegal drug use, gambling something that you aren’t going to like. Either that, or he’s becoming selfish, what are you doing when he’s randomly stopping at bars? Does he know or care or does he just expect you’ve got it covered because you’re the woman and are home anyway? That’s disrespectful and would be untenable to me. Whatever is or isn’t going on, I would be sad that my husband was creating a lifestyle in which he did not want me to share with him. That would then become a marriage I no longer would want to be in. I don’t know if that’s the answer for you, but no way would I allow this oddball behavior to continue, and while I can’t control another person, I can very much control what I do next.

You sound really controlling and insecure, tbh.

That poster sounds sharp. The rest of you sound like hoodwinked idiots. Anyone that has an alcoholic in the family knows how well they mask it. I had a very high functioning alcoholic husband and had no idea in addition to the “1 decompression beer” he was downing Tito’s vodka secretly. Nothing was amiss. He didn’t smell like booze. He was crushing it at work, etc. it gets worse over time and, yes, he was meeting married women off of Ashley Madison for a drink or coffee first. I was “cool wife” like these posters and thought oh he works long hours he deserves a solo drink blah blah blah.

I’m telling you this shady AF. The secrets are a big tip off. He didn’t tell her he stops at random bars she discovered it and it’s unclear if that’s the real or whole story.

Similar story. I immediately thought same thing when I saw it was a “secret” she did not know about.

Same here, similar story. I found afterwards that he was also hooking up with other women during his “downtime”. Secrets are never a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I’d not like this. Why is he doing this alone when he’s got a wife who may like to join him, or who would like to see him? Why does he not want you to share in this cool experience with him where nobody knows his name? Why does he need or want to be someplace where nobody knows him to partake in a legal adult activity? Just weird. Even people who consumjed pot before it became legal told their families.. if they liked their families. It wasn’t a secret, and you generally knew where they were, who they were with and what they were doing, none of this random “I’m going to stop off randomly for um just one and nobody I know better see me”. Totally strange for an adult to do when the activity is 100 percent legal and has been for decades.

My sense is that he’s either trying to see what you’ll put up with, or something more is going on, picking up women or trying to, illegal drug use, gambling something that you aren’t going to like. Either that, or he’s becoming selfish, what are you doing when he’s randomly stopping at bars? Does he know or care or does he just expect you’ve got it covered because you’re the woman and are home anyway? That’s disrespectful and would be untenable to me. Whatever is or isn’t going on, I would be sad that my husband was creating a lifestyle in which he did not want me to share with him. That would then become a marriage I no longer would want to be in. I don’t know if that’s the answer for you, but no way would I allow this oddball behavior to continue, and while I can’t control another person, I can very much control what I do next.

Do you ever need to be alone for just a few minutes to relax, destress or collect yourself? At home, have you ever retreated to the bathroom to read on your phone, just to get away from the spouse, the dirty kitchen or the kids for 10 minutes? Have you ever been home and decided to go run a quick errand that needed to be done, so that you could stop and grab a coffee and drink it in your car just for the quiet?

You may never need downtime, but if so, you are a very small minority of the population. The majority of the population periodically gets stressed, overwhelmed or just exhausted from their life and needs a little downtime. I am a night owl. My kids go to sleep and my spouse and I watch TV for an hour and then they go to bed. I have 1-2 hours after spouse goes to sleep to chill and get my decompression time. But if I didn't have that, I might need time elsewhere in my day for the downtime.

I don't discount that any of the other things you posit might happen. I just think it's a big leap to go from stopping for a 5-15 min beer occasionally to making those assumptions.

As for the disrespect, it's only disrespect if the SAHM does not get any downtime to herself. But coming home 15 minutes later than you would is not disrespectful.

All of this. I am mystified by posters who suggest that individuals in a marriage must have no privacy, no agency, nor any spontaneity.

No wonder there are so many miserable people on DCUM.

I agree. The lack of trust that so many people feel for their partner has really surprised me.

[Anonymous]

You should be suspicious because the behavior suddenly changed. And, he didn’t mention any of these changes until you confronted him. Something is off.

[Anonymous]

My spouse keeps coming home with a coffee from Dunkin or Panera I think they are meeting Ashley Madison or Grindr dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should be suspicious because the behavior suddenly changed. And, he didn’t mention any of these changes until you confronted him. Something is off.

Did she say the behavior suddenly changed? Or did she just notice it because she was going through credit card receipts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bothers you about this exactly? Is he not spending enough time with you? Your family?

This wouldn’t bother me, because I am similar to your husband in that sometimes I like to go to random places to decompress.

Just seemed out of the blue is all. He’s not hiding it. He doesn’t even really drink beer at home. We never buy it. He will drink a beer in social settings once in a while.

He stops because he randomly wants one beer when he's had a hard day and wants to decompress alone before getting home. I don't do this, but I can certainly understand wanting to grab a quick drink quietly by myself after a hard day.

I live alone and sometimes will stop at a bar on the way home. It is nice to be somewhere that isn't my office or my condo, and have someone else make me a drink. I can imagine the urge would be stronger with a spouse and kids at home. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes - same as grabbing a coffee and decompressing at a bench at the park.

The big difference is the danger of alcholism.

Coffee addiction isn't explicitly hamrful to others.

This is a good point.

OP, have you heard of the "third place" concept? It's something which -- pre-pandemic, back when people had Home and Workplace -- was a known thing. It's the idea that many people want a third place which is neither their home nor their office/workplace where they can go to pause, sometimes before work, sometimes after work, sometimes on a weekend to get out of the house. It's the idea of making a coffee stop where you don't do drive-through but you go inside, sit, read the news or read a book, and you are neither at work with coworkers makign demands nor at home with the kids asking questions and chores waiting to be done. It's actually considered a pretty healthy thing.

BUT. Bars aren't exactly what's meant by the third place. Sure, ever since bars have existed, they've been many people's place to go and have a quiet drink. But I too would wonder why my spouse was defaulting, for regular decompression, to a bar rather than a coffee shop or even a park. I would also wonder, if he did this often, what it is about either work or home that makes him need both the stop and the alcohol (yes, even one beer). Stress at work so bad he needs to wind down with something that relaxes him? A little unspoken reluctance to walk in the door at home because the kids are at a demanding or loud stage? I'd talk to him about it.

And I'd also wonder if the charges you see on the credit card are just one beer and he's paying for more in cash. I know that sounds suspicious-minded and I hope you have no reason to think he's had any more than one beer each time. But if he does it often enough that he starts to feel he "needs" it daily, either the alcohol or just the ritual, there may be reason to look at why he's so stressed and what needs to change. Let me be clear because DCUM tends to read things badly and someone likely will yell that I'm accusing your DH of alcoholism. I am not. But I would wonder about his choice of places to decompress, especially if each time is a different and apparently very random place. Why random? Why not one favorite bar if it has to be a bar? (And is he going out of his way to make these stops if they're random each time? I can see stopping at a place that's along the way home or close the office but random--?)

Otherwise, a third place stop on occasion is fine.

lol PP. bars are the original “third place.” who wants coffee to decompress at night?

Most coffee places close in the afternoon, and if they don't, they sell sad, state pastries. Who wants that after work?