Husband stopping at random dive bars for one beer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone in a stressful job tell me if one light beer eases pressure or something? I don’t think a man even gets a “buzz” from one beer, right?

It's not the alcohol. It's having 5-15 minutes alone to sit and decompress to ease the stress, probably work-related since he stops on his way home from work. Just sitting in your car is not the same. He doesn't want caffeine, so no coffee shop. So he stops for a beer. And a light beer at that, so it's just the routine of doing something relaxing alone for a quick destresser.

[Anonymous]

I go to happy hour or grab a beer with a buddy after work sometimes. What’s the big deal?

My wife doesn’t track expenses and post on forums about it.

Maybe time for you to get a hobby so you have less free time.

[Anonymous]

Is “one and done” a common expression in drinking and bar terms? If it’s common, I assume this getting literally one drink must not be that abnormal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds innocuous, if it really is what he’s describing. Let the man have a beer.

That sounds fun. I'm a woman and would LOVE a legit dive bar to stop in at.

Maybe I’m using the dive term incorrectly. But they’re just not fancy and definitely not where white collar professionals go for a happy hour. They look like random crummy bars on Apple Maps.

Yeah, but their cheaper. He doesn't want to go to more upscale places that may be loud and charge more. $5 is cheap. He's probably adding a tip on the card for the rest. He doesn't want to go and pay $8-10 for a quick decompression drink.

OP, I think you have to tell us how much your husband drinks so that the discussion can either go towards dealing with an alcoholic or something else (e.g. a stressed out husband, or a serial cheater). Does he need a light mimosa for breakfast? A quick IPA before bed? 2 fingers of whiskey with dinner? Or is this just 1-2 beers per week?

[Anonymous]

How do you know they are “dive” bars.

Is he picking up men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes - same as grabbing a coffee and decompressing at a bench at the park.

The big difference is the danger of alcholism.

Coffee addiction isn't explicitly hamrful to others.

This is a good point.

OP, have you heard of the "third place" concept? It's something which -- pre-pandemic, back when people had Home and Workplace -- was a known thing. It's the idea that many people want a third place which is neither their home nor their office/workplace where they can go to pause, sometimes before work, sometimes after work, sometimes on a weekend to get out of the house. It's the idea of making a coffee stop where you don't do drive-through but you go inside, sit, read the news or read a book, and you are neither at work with coworkers makign demands nor at home with the kids asking questions and chores waiting to be done. It's actually considered a pretty healthy thing.

BUT. Bars aren't exactly what's meant by the third place. Sure, ever since bars have existed, they've been many people's place to go and have a quiet drink. But I too would wonder why my spouse was defaulting, for regular decompression, to a bar rather than a coffee shop or even a park. I would also wonder, if he did this often, what it is about either work or home that makes him need both the stop and the alcohol (yes, even one beer). Stress at work so bad he needs to wind down with something that relaxes him? A little unspoken reluctance to walk in the door at home because the kids are at a demanding or loud stage? I'd talk to him about it.

And I'd also wonder if the charges you see on the credit card are just one beer and he's paying for more in cash. I know that sounds suspicious-minded and I hope you have no reason to think he's had any more than one beer each time. But if he does it often enough that he starts to feel he "needs" it daily, either the alcohol or just the ritual, there may be reason to look at why he's so stressed and what needs to change. Let me be clear because DCUM tends to read things badly and someone likely will yell that I'm accusing your DH of alcoholism. I am not. But I would wonder about his choice of places to decompress, especially if each time is a different and apparently very random place. Why random? Why not one favorite bar if it has to be a bar? (And is he going out of his way to make these stops if they're random each time? I can see stopping at a place that's along the way home or close the office but random--?)

Otherwise, a third place stop on occasion is fine.

A bar, also known as a "pub", short for "public house", is the #1 classic example of a 3rd place. Ask your parents what a sitcom is, and then ask them about the sitcom "Cheers".

[Anonymous]

totally fine. I guess I would only be annoyed if he was always getting home late and missing kid dinner/bedtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a good sign. He could be trawling.

Probably shouldn’t swipe our Amex 3-6 times a month when our trawling! But really, I didn’t really realize it before but he has called me or accepted my call while at these bars. He’s not hiding it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes - same as grabbing a coffee and decompressing at a bench at the park.

The big difference is the danger of alcholism.

Coffee addiction isn't explicitly hamrful to others.

This is a good point.

OP, have you heard of the "third place" concept? It's something which -- pre-pandemic, back when people had Home and Workplace -- was a known thing. It's the idea that many people want a third place which is neither their home nor their office/workplace where they can go to pause, sometimes before work, sometimes after work, sometimes on a weekend to get out of the house. It's the idea of making a coffee stop where you don't do drive-through but you go inside, sit, read the news or read a book, and you are neither at work with coworkers makign demands nor at home with the kids asking questions and chores waiting to be done. It's actually considered a pretty healthy thing.

BUT. Bars aren't exactly what's meant by the third place. Sure, ever since bars have existed, they've been many people's place to go and have a quiet drink. But I too would wonder why my spouse was defaulting, for regular decompression, to a bar rather than a coffee shop or even a park. I would also wonder, if he did this often, what it is about either work or home that makes him need both the stop and the alcohol (yes, even one beer). Stress at work so bad he needs to wind down with something that relaxes him? A little unspoken reluctance to walk in the door at home because the kids are at a demanding or loud stage? I'd talk to him about it.

And I'd also wonder if the charges you see on the credit card are just one beer and he's paying for more in cash. I know that sounds suspicious-minded and I hope you have no reason to think he's had any more than one beer each time. But if he does it often enough that he starts to feel he "needs" it daily, either the alcohol or just the ritual, there may be reason to look at why he's so stressed and what needs to change. Let me be clear because DCUM tends to read things badly and someone likely will yell that I'm accusing your DH of alcoholism. I am not. But I would wonder about his choice of places to decompress, especially if each time is a different and apparently very random place. Why random? Why not one favorite bar if it has to be a bar? (And is he going out of his way to make these stops if they're random each time? I can see stopping at a place that's along the way home or close the office but random--?)

Otherwise, a third place stop on occasion is fine.

lol PP. bars are the original “third place.” who wants coffee to decompress at night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes - same as grabbing a coffee and decompressing at a bench at the park.

The big difference is the danger of alcholism.

Coffee addiction isn't explicitly hamrful to others.

This is a good point.

OP, have you heard of the "third place" concept? It's something which -- pre-pandemic, back when people had Home and Workplace -- was a known thing. It's the idea that many people want a third place which is neither their home nor their office/workplace where they can go to pause, sometimes before work, sometimes after work, sometimes on a weekend to get out of the house. It's the idea of making a coffee stop where you don't do drive-through but you go inside, sit, read the news or read a book, and you are neither at work with coworkers makign demands nor at home with the kids asking questions and chores waiting to be done. It's actually considered a pretty healthy thing.

BUT. Bars aren't exactly what's meant by the third place. Sure, ever since bars have existed, they've been many people's place to go and have a quiet drink. But I too would wonder why my spouse was defaulting, for regular decompression, to a bar rather than a coffee shop or even a park. I would also wonder, if he did this often, what it is about either work or home that makes him need both the stop and the alcohol (yes, even one beer). Stress at work so bad he needs to wind down with something that relaxes him? A little unspoken reluctance to walk in the door at home because the kids are at a demanding or loud stage? I'd talk to him about it.

And I'd also wonder if the charges you see on the credit card are just one beer and he's paying for more in cash. I know that sounds suspicious-minded and I hope you have no reason to think he's had any more than one beer each time. But if he does it often enough that he starts to feel he "needs" it daily, either the alcohol or just the ritual, there may be reason to look at why he's so stressed and what needs to change. Let me be clear because DCUM tends to read things badly and someone likely will yell that I'm accusing your DH of alcoholism. I am not. But I would wonder about his choice of places to decompress, especially if each time is a different and apparently very random place. Why random? Why not one favorite bar if it has to be a bar? (And is he going out of his way to make these stops if they're random each time? I can see stopping at a place that's along the way home or close the office but random--?)

Otherwise, a third place stop on occasion is fine.

You are either projecting or jumping to a whole lot of conclusions here.

Yep, good old DCUM, failing to read beyond a surface skim.

I'm just presenting things OP could be thinking through about why he does this regularly. Questions worth asking.

No projection involved. And no conclusions. You somehow missed that the post is things to consider, not This Is What Your Husband Is Doing! statements like most people love to post here. But you do you. I'm talking to OP and not you, anyway.

“But I too would wonder why my spouse was defaulting, for regular decompression, to a bar rather than a coffee shop or even a park. I would also wonder, if he did this often, what it is about either work or home that makes him need both the stop and the alcohol (yes, even one beer).”

This is the definition of projecting.

No kidding. Man here. I understand the idea to decompress, but I'd never think to go to a coffee shop or a park to do so. I'd go to a bar. I don't know any guys who would go to a coffee shop to decompress after a long day at work.

Next up: accusing DH of being up to no good for trips to Home Depot, when he should be going to Michael's instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone in a stressful job tell me if one light beer eases pressure or something? I don’t think a man even gets a “buzz” from one beer, right?

Yes I am a woman and I feel like this after one glass of wine. A little decompression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes - same as grabbing a coffee and decompressing at a bench at the park.

The big difference is the danger of alcholism.

Coffee addiction isn't explicitly hamrful to others.

This is a good point.

OP, have you heard of the "third place" concept? It's something which -- pre-pandemic, back when people had Home and Workplace -- was a known thing. It's the idea that many people want a third place which is neither their home nor their office/workplace where they can go to pause, sometimes before work, sometimes after work, sometimes on a weekend to get out of the house. It's the idea of making a coffee stop where you don't do drive-through but you go inside, sit, read the news or read a book, and you are neither at work with coworkers makign demands nor at home with the kids asking questions and chores waiting to be done. It's actually considered a pretty healthy thing.

BUT. Bars aren't exactly what's meant by the third place. Sure, ever since bars have existed, they've been many people's place to go and have a quiet drink. But I too would wonder why my spouse was defaulting, for regular decompression, to a bar rather than a coffee shop or even a park. I would also wonder, if he did this often, what it is about either work or home that makes him need both the stop and the alcohol (yes, even one beer). Stress at work so bad he needs to wind down with something that relaxes him? A little unspoken reluctance to walk in the door at home because the kids are at a demanding or loud stage? I'd talk to him about it.

And I'd also wonder if the charges you see on the credit card are just one beer and he's paying for more in cash. I know that sounds suspicious-minded and I hope you have no reason to think he's had any more than one beer each time. But if he does it often enough that he starts to feel he "needs" it daily, either the alcohol or just the ritual, there may be reason to look at why he's so stressed and what needs to change. Let me be clear because DCUM tends to read things badly and someone likely will yell that I'm accusing your DH of alcoholism. I am not. But I would wonder about his choice of places to decompress, especially if each time is a different and apparently very random place. Why random? Why not one favorite bar if it has to be a bar? (And is he going out of his way to make these stops if they're random each time? I can see stopping at a place that's along the way home or close the office but random--?)

Otherwise, a third place stop on occasion is fine.

A bar, also known as a "pub", short for "public house", is the #1 classic example of a 3rd place. Ask your parents what a sitcom is, and then ask them about the sitcom "Cheers".

😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds innocuous, if it really is what he’s describing. Let the man have a beer.

That sounds fun. I'm a woman and would LOVE a legit dive bar to stop in at.

Maybe I’m using the dive term incorrectly. But they’re just not fancy and definitely not where white collar professionals go for a happy hour. They look like random crummy bars on Apple Maps.

Yeah, but their cheaper. He doesn't want to go to more upscale places that may be loud and charge more. $5 is cheap. He's probably adding a tip on the card for the rest. He doesn't want to go and pay $8-10 for a quick decompression drink.

OP, I think you have to tell us how much your husband drinks so that the discussion can either go towards dealing with an alcoholic or something else (e.g. a stressed out husband, or a serial cheater). Does he need a light mimosa for breakfast? A quick IPA before bed? 2 fingers of whiskey with dinner? Or is this just 1-2 beers per week?

We’re not adverse to it but we’re not big drinkers. Wine with dinner once or twice a week. When in social gatherings together we’ll drink wine or he’ll have a beer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a good sign. He could be trawling.

Probably shouldn’t swipe our Amex 3-6 times a month when our trawling! But really, I didn’t really realize it before but he has called me or accepted my call while at these bars. He’s not hiding it.

Exactly. If he wanted to hide it, he'd pay in cash and not use the card he knows you can see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone in a stressful job tell me if one light beer eases pressure or something? I don’t think a man even gets a “buzz” from one beer, right?

Yes I am a woman and I feel like this after one glass of wine. A little decompression.

A glass of wine definitely gives me a buzz. I don’t think a single light beer gives an adult man a buzz.