Husband stopping at random dive bars for one beer?

[Anonymous]

Can anyone in a stressful job tell me if one light beer eases pressure or something? I don’t think a man even gets a “buzz” from one beer, right?

[Anonymous]

How often does he do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he looking for casual sex by going to 'random dive bars'? Sounds suspicious...

1 beer for 30 minutes isn’t enough time to have some casual sex. Unless it’s a gay bar.

Not 30, more like 5-15 minutes. And they’re all on his way back from the hospitals he works at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes - same as grabbing a coffee and decompressing at a bench at the park.

The big difference is the danger of alcholism.

Coffee addiction isn't explicitly hamrful to others.

This is a good point.

OP, have you heard of the "third place" concept? It's something which -- pre-pandemic, back when people had Home and Workplace -- was a known thing. It's the idea that many people want a third place which is neither their home nor their office/workplace where they can go to pause, sometimes before work, sometimes after work, sometimes on a weekend to get out of the house. It's the idea of making a coffee stop where you don't do drive-through but you go inside, sit, read the news or read a book, and you are neither at work with coworkers makign demands nor at home with the kids asking questions and chores waiting to be done. It's actually considered a pretty healthy thing.

BUT. Bars aren't exactly what's meant by the third place. Sure, ever since bars have existed, they've been many people's place to go and have a quiet drink. But I too would wonder why my spouse was defaulting, for regular decompression, to a bar rather than a coffee shop or even a park. I would also wonder, if he did this often, what it is about either work or home that makes him need both the stop and the alcohol (yes, even one beer). Stress at work so bad he needs to wind down with something that relaxes him? A little unspoken reluctance to walk in the door at home because the kids are at a demanding or loud stage? I'd talk to him about it.

And I'd also wonder if the charges you see on the credit card are just one beer and he's paying for more in cash. I know that sounds suspicious-minded and I hope you have no reason to think he's had any more than one beer each time. But if he does it often enough that he starts to feel he "needs" it daily, either the alcohol or just the ritual, there may be reason to look at why he's so stressed and what needs to change. Let me be clear because DCUM tends to read things badly and someone likely will yell that I'm accusing your DH of alcoholism. I am not. But I would wonder about his choice of places to decompress, especially if each time is a different and apparently very random place. Why random? Why not one favorite bar if it has to be a bar? (And is he going out of his way to make these stops if they're random each time? I can see stopping at a place that's along the way home or close the office but random--?)

Otherwise, a third place stop on occasion is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes - same as grabbing a coffee and decompressing at a bench at the park.

The big difference is the danger of alcholism.

Coffee addiction isn't explicitly hamrful to others.

This is a good point.

OP, have you heard of the "third place" concept? It's something which -- pre-pandemic, back when people had Home and Workplace -- was a known thing. It's the idea that many people want a third place which is neither their home nor their office/workplace where they can go to pause, sometimes before work, sometimes after work, sometimes on a weekend to get out of the house. It's the idea of making a coffee stop where you don't do drive-through but you go inside, sit, read the news or read a book, and you are neither at work with coworkers makign demands nor at home with the kids asking questions and chores waiting to be done. It's actually considered a pretty healthy thing.

BUT. Bars aren't exactly what's meant by the third place. Sure, ever since bars have existed, they've been many people's place to go and have a quiet drink. But I too would wonder why my spouse was defaulting, for regular decompression, to a bar rather than a coffee shop or even a park. I would also wonder, if he did this often, what it is about either work or home that makes him need both the stop and the alcohol (yes, even one beer). Stress at work so bad he needs to wind down with something that relaxes him? A little unspoken reluctance to walk in the door at home because the kids are at a demanding or loud stage? I'd talk to him about it.

And I'd also wonder if the charges you see on the credit card are just one beer and he's paying for more in cash. I know that sounds suspicious-minded and I hope you have no reason to think he's had any more than one beer each time. But if he does it often enough that he starts to feel he "needs" it daily, either the alcohol or just the ritual, there may be reason to look at why he's so stressed and what needs to change. Let me be clear because DCUM tends to read things badly and someone likely will yell that I'm accusing your DH of alcoholism. I am not. But I would wonder about his choice of places to decompress, especially if each time is a different and apparently very random place. Why random? Why not one favorite bar if it has to be a bar? (And is he going out of his way to make these stops if they're random each time? I can see stopping at a place that's along the way home or close the office but random--?)

Otherwise, a third place stop on occasion is fine.

You are either projecting or jumping to a whole lot of conclusions here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he looking for casual sex by going to 'random dive bars'? Sounds suspicious...

1 beer for 30 minutes isn’t enough time to have some casual sex. Unless it’s a gay bar.

Not 30, more like 5-15 minutes. And they’re all on his way back from the hospitals he works at.

If the stops are that quick, it sounds as if he's doing it for the mild buzz of the beer so he's coming home just that little bit more relaxed. I'd be a bit concerned about that. If he were really stopping to fully decompress I'd think he'd be somewhere longer than 5 or 10 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What bothers you about this exactly? Is he not spending enough time with you? Your family?

This wouldn’t bother me, because I am similar to your husband in that sometimes I like to go to random places to decompress.

Just seemed out of the blue is all. He’s not hiding it. He doesn’t even really drink beer at home. We never buy it. He will drink a beer in social settings once in a while.

He stops because he randomly wants one beer when he's had a hard day and wants to decompress alone before getting home. I don't do this, but I can certainly understand wanting to grab a quick drink quietly by myself after a hard day.

[Anonymous]

This makes perfect sense to me if he’s traveling for work. A stop to unwind a bit before heading home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes - same as grabbing a coffee and decompressing at a bench at the park.

The big difference is the danger of alcholism.

Coffee addiction isn't explicitly hamrful to others.

This is a good point.

OP, have you heard of the "third place" concept? It's something which -- pre-pandemic, back when people had Home and Workplace -- was a known thing. It's the idea that many people want a third place which is neither their home nor their office/workplace where they can go to pause, sometimes before work, sometimes after work, sometimes on a weekend to get out of the house. It's the idea of making a coffee stop where you don't do drive-through but you go inside, sit, read the news or read a book, and you are neither at work with coworkers makign demands nor at home with the kids asking questions and chores waiting to be done. It's actually considered a pretty healthy thing.

BUT. Bars aren't exactly what's meant by the third place. Sure, ever since bars have existed, they've been many people's place to go and have a quiet drink. But I too would wonder why my spouse was defaulting, for regular decompression, to a bar rather than a coffee shop or even a park. I would also wonder, if he did this often, what it is about either work or home that makes him need both the stop and the alcohol (yes, even one beer). Stress at work so bad he needs to wind down with something that relaxes him? A little unspoken reluctance to walk in the door at home because the kids are at a demanding or loud stage? I'd talk to him about it.

And I'd also wonder if the charges you see on the credit card are just one beer and he's paying for more in cash. I know that sounds suspicious-minded and I hope you have no reason to think he's had any more than one beer each time. But if he does it often enough that he starts to feel he "needs" it daily, either the alcohol or just the ritual, there may be reason to look at why he's so stressed and what needs to change. Let me be clear because DCUM tends to read things badly and someone likely will yell that I'm accusing your DH of alcoholism. I am not. But I would wonder about his choice of places to decompress, especially if each time is a different and apparently very random place. Why random? Why not one favorite bar if it has to be a bar? (And is he going out of his way to make these stops if they're random each time? I can see stopping at a place that's along the way home or close the office but random--?)

Otherwise, a third place stop on occasion is fine.

You are either projecting or jumping to a whole lot of conclusions here.

Yep, good old DCUM, failing to read beyond a surface skim.

I'm just presenting things OP could be thinking through about why he does this regularly. Questions worth asking.

No projection involved. And no conclusions. You somehow missed that the post is things to consider, not This Is What Your Husband Is Doing! statements like most people love to post here. But you do you. I'm talking to OP and not you, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds innocuous, if it really is what he’s describing. Let the man have a beer.

That sounds fun. I'm a woman and would LOVE a legit dive bar to stop in at.

Maybe I’m using the dive term incorrectly. But they’re just not fancy and definitely not where white collar professionals go for a happy hour. They look like random crummy bars on Apple Maps.

Yeah, but their cheaper. He doesn't want to go to more upscale places that may be loud and charge more. $5 is cheap. He's probably adding a tip on the card for the rest. He doesn't want to go and pay $8-10 for a quick decompression drink.

[Anonymous]

When I drove for work travel I did basically this, but it was a chicken sandwich and I sat in the parking lot. Kind of the same thing though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds innocuous, if it really is what he’s describing. Let the man have a beer.

That sounds fun. I'm a woman and would LOVE a legit dive bar to stop in at.

Maybe I’m using the dive term incorrectly. But they’re just not fancy and definitely not where white collar professionals go for a happy hour. They look like random crummy bars on Apple Maps.

Yeah, but their cheaper. He doesn't want to go to more upscale places that may be loud and charge more. $5 is cheap. He's probably adding a tip on the card for the rest. He doesn't want to go and pay $8-10 for a quick decompression drink.

Ugh. they're.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yes - same as grabbing a coffee and decompressing at a bench at the park.

The big difference is the danger of alcholism.

Coffee addiction isn't explicitly hamrful to others.

This is a good point.

OP, have you heard of the "third place" concept? It's something which -- pre-pandemic, back when people had Home and Workplace -- was a known thing. It's the idea that many people want a third place which is neither their home nor their office/workplace where they can go to pause, sometimes before work, sometimes after work, sometimes on a weekend to get out of the house. It's the idea of making a coffee stop where you don't do drive-through but you go inside, sit, read the news or read a book, and you are neither at work with coworkers makign demands nor at home with the kids asking questions and chores waiting to be done. It's actually considered a pretty healthy thing.

BUT. Bars aren't exactly what's meant by the third place. Sure, ever since bars have existed, they've been many people's place to go and have a quiet drink. But I too would wonder why my spouse was defaulting, for regular decompression, to a bar rather than a coffee shop or even a park. I would also wonder, if he did this often, what it is about either work or home that makes him need both the stop and the alcohol (yes, even one beer). Stress at work so bad he needs to wind down with something that relaxes him? A little unspoken reluctance to walk in the door at home because the kids are at a demanding or loud stage? I'd talk to him about it.

And I'd also wonder if the charges you see on the credit card are just one beer and he's paying for more in cash. I know that sounds suspicious-minded and I hope you have no reason to think he's had any more than one beer each time. But if he does it often enough that he starts to feel he "needs" it daily, either the alcohol or just the ritual, there may be reason to look at why he's so stressed and what needs to change. Let me be clear because DCUM tends to read things badly and someone likely will yell that I'm accusing your DH of alcoholism. I am not. But I would wonder about his choice of places to decompress, especially if each time is a different and apparently very random place. Why random? Why not one favorite bar if it has to be a bar? (And is he going out of his way to make these stops if they're random each time? I can see stopping at a place that's along the way home or close the office but random--?)

Otherwise, a third place stop on occasion is fine.

You are either projecting or jumping to a whole lot of conclusions here.

Yep, good old DCUM, failing to read beyond a surface skim.

I'm just presenting things OP could be thinking through about why he does this regularly. Questions worth asking.

No projection involved. And no conclusions. You somehow missed that the post is things to consider, not This Is What Your Husband Is Doing! statements like most people love to post here. But you do you. I'm talking to OP and not you, anyway.

“But I too would wonder why my spouse was defaulting, for regular decompression, to a bar rather than a coffee shop or even a park. I would also wonder, if he did this often, what it is about either work or home that makes him need both the stop and the alcohol (yes, even one beer).”

This is the definition of projecting.

[Anonymous]

When my kids were little, I used to stop in a school or king lot near our house for 30 minutes before going home. I’d scroll mindlessly, listen to the radio, call a friend or just chill and watch snow or rain coming down. I did this many times to decompress between work and home. Means nothing.

[Anonymous]

^^^parking lot