Husband stopping at random dive bars for one beer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems low class and bizarre to me. Go into a dive bar and you don’t see professional men in suits. You see bikers, construction workers and old drunks. It’s not cool, it’s depressing. Even if he’s only drinking one beer, it’s bad optics for a man with a professional career to even be seen in such a place.

And when I was his age all I wanted to do is get home to see my kids and kiss my wife. Delaying that for 10 or 20 minutes to sit amongst a handful of random proles in a bar is bizarre. Something is up.

You're so right. Where are the Executive Dive Bars?

I don’t think many white collar young men with a wife and kids at home go to bars after work at all. Maybe a drink after golfing in the clubhouse bar?

Ok booomer.

Good news, tomorrow they’re serving jell-o in the dining room. I hope you earn an extra helping at PT and get wheeled there for a late supper at 5:15pm

[Anonymous]

Have you ever been to Hank Dietle’s in Rockville? Everyone should go at least once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems low class and bizarre to me. Go into a dive bar and you don’t see professional men in suits. You see bikers, construction workers and old drunks. It’s not cool, it’s depressing. Even if he’s only drinking one beer, it’s bad optics for a man with a professional career to even be seen in such a place.

And when I was his age all I wanted to do is get home to see my kids and kiss my wife. Delaying that for 10 or 20 minutes to sit amongst a handful of random proles in a bar is bizarre. Something is up.

How does a person of such high social standing such as yourself know in such detail who frequents these low class establishments?

I’ve got old friends and family in low places.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever been to Hank Dietle’s in Rockville? Everyone should go at least once.

OMG I got outed to a bunch of co-workers in that bar! Awesome place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you who have a problem with this and who are already suspicious of their spouse potentially being a closet alcoholic or misdirecting for an AP are on the road to divorce. Whether you are right or wrong, the lack of trust in your partner is going to kill your marriage one way or the other. Either you will be right and the hidden issue will end the marriage or the lack of trust and your overcontrolling nature will drive your partner away.

I'm sorry, but once you get to the point where you have either killed or lost the trust in your marriage, it's only a matter of time until the wedge between you destroys your marriage.

Ha. I never suspected a thing and had 100% trust. I now see that’s idiotic. I should have questioned and delved deeper when something didn’t seem right, as should OP.

I guess you can stick your head in the sand accept every lame excuse and gaslighting and you’ll have a “happy” marriage because you aren’t rocking the boat at your own peril. Being cool girl backfires.

+1

[Anonymous]

I visited my sister in a suburb of Cleveland recently. One thing I liked was that there seem to be a lot of neighborhood bars -- they aren't fancy by any stretch, but we're not talking about the Double Deuce (for my Road House fans) either. Mostly blue collar but not particularly sketchy.

I don't know what the bars are like for OP's spouse, but those kind of bars would be perfect for a half-hour stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I visited my sister in a suburb of Cleveland recently. One thing I liked was that there seem to be a lot of neighborhood bars -- they aren't fancy by any stretch, but we're not talking about the Double Deuce (for my Road House fans) either. Mostly blue collar but not particularly sketchy.

I don't know what the bars are like for OP's spouse, but those kind of bars would be perfect for a half-hour stop.

Oh god. You know nothing about Cleveland and its dysfunction. My alcoholic FIL spent tons of time in those dive bars with tons of other alcoholic, dead-beat dads and Hos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The "random" and "dive" parts are what puzzle me. I can see having a favorite "third place" spot he finds relaxing and a good bridge from work to home, and having a beer there occasionally. (If it's every workday? Yeah, that could be a bigger problem of needing a drink rather than needing a break.) But going to different, random places all the time--unless he's maybe a beer lover who wants to check out different places' microbrews or whatever? -- seems a bit off. And I'm not sure how OP defines a "dive bar" here. Sometimes that really just means cool and funky and not pretentious, but for me it can also mean in a sketchy area that's maybe not a good idea. I'd talk to him about it, not about the need for the break per se, but more about why it seems like such a restless, unfocused choice of places to stop.

God forbid an adult male who works at various hospitals should have even a single moment in which he is allowed to be restless and unfocused. His entire life has to be prescribed and rigidly controlled by someone else, I suppose.

JFC, if your spouse controls you that's too bad but you're projecting that here. Of course he can be unfocused. OP is not trying to "rigidly control" him, she just doesn't get the randomness of this, as opposed to having some regular watering hole or favorite decompression spot like many people would. She's not trying to tell him he only must drink at one particular place, FFS. I'd just wonder if he was under some kind of terrible stress at work that needed more than a 15-minute stop in a bar to deal with it.

She has already said that he works at multiple different hospitals. He doesn't have the same work schedule or pattern every day. HE doesn't work at the same place every day. It's hard to create a routine when your schedule varies day to day. He typically finds a random place on the way between where he worked that day and home. So you are saying just for her strange controlling nature that he needs to drive out of his way just to comfort her? He probably finds someplace close by where he worked that day, but she wants him to find a regular watering hole and rather than stopping when its convenient or when he's just left work, he has to drive a long distance and possibly out of his way to find a place that she thinks is better for her peace of mind, than for his relaxation. That's definitely controlling whether you think it is or isn't.

He's an adult not her teenage son. Stop micromanaging something that is not a problem nor is it unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nextdoor neighbor growing up did this and it was totally innocent. I worked as a hostess at the sports bar / pub in my hometown a few summers.

He had a stressful job and he’d come in every day for 30 min and drink one Miller Lite, watch ESPN, and chat with the other regular old dudes before going home to a house with 4 kids.

This is the situation I'm picturing and it seems totally fine with me.

I should add that it was not a secret at all! I didn’t mention the first few times my shift overlapped with his visit because I thought maybe his wife didn’t know. Then my mom was chatting with his wife and the wife said “If she’s working at (Pub name) she should say hi to Bill, just tell her not to slip him any free french fries or he won’t eat dinner!”
In Bill’s defense, the fries are really good and probably why most people ate there.

I am still 90% convinced OP’s spouse is innocent of alcoholic or an affair, but I had one really wild thought. If spouse works in a medical setting and he has 3-5 regular spots, like he’s not trying a new one every time, is it possible he’s illegally selling meds?

[Anonymous]

He should have either mentioned that he enjoyed doing this, without the AMEX telling on him.

OR

He should just pay in cash and keep it to himself.

OR

This is a troll because how many dive bars take AMEX?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would bug me OP. Is he avoiding dinner + childcare duties?

He's mentally preparing for the inevitable just-walked-in-the-front-door nagging about dinner + childcare duties.

Sorry for your sucky life, PP. But you don't need to come here to project your own problems onto OP's thread. Maybe step up and do more child care and bring dinner home with you once in a while, and then you won't need to "mentally prepare" for your spouse to need your help so badly when you walk in the door.

Different poster - and a woman with an extremely helpful husband - and I still need to mentally brace myself or zone out and scroll my phone for the 15 min before my kids come in the door each week day. They are even good kids! But they are lower elementary age and they just need A LOT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems low class and bizarre to me. Go into a dive bar and you don’t see professional men in suits. You see bikers, construction workers and old drunks. It’s not cool, it’s depressing. Even if he’s only drinking one beer, it’s bad optics for a man with a professional career to even be seen in such a place.

And when I was his age all I wanted to do is get home to see my kids and kiss my wife. Delaying that for 10 or 20 minutes to sit amongst a handful of random proles in a bar is bizarre. Something is up.

You don’t get out much! I travelled for work M-F for 10+ years to many cities and I can assure you that men with professional jobs very much hang out at bars - airport bars, hotel bars, bars near the office - basically anywhere with sports on a TV and a 20-30 something woman who will make idle chit chat with them for a few minutes. Also most men don’t wear suits anymore.

That’s great for you, but I don’t think most people are rushing home to eagerly dive into the joys of dinner prep and homework review. I also think you are perhaps remembering the past with rose colored glasses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a good sign. He could be trawling.

Maybe I’m a clueless but I really doubt there are women at these bars? And he is only there for 10 or 15 minutes. He isn’t hiding this.

How do you now how long he's there?

OP's post 8/10 17:23.

Read before you type.

I did. How does she know how long he's there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if he doesn't need to decompress or whatever, going to a bar for a beer is FUN.

Going to random bars when work puts you in random locations is FUN -- variety is the spice of life.

Live a little, folks.

It is fun, but is it fun to stay for 5 minutes like OP seems to think he's doing? 5 minutes means he's chugging a drink and high tailing it out of there. Fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems low class and bizarre to me. Go into a dive bar and you don’t see professional men in suits. You see bikers, construction workers and old drunks. It’s not cool, it’s depressing. Even if he’s only drinking one beer, it’s bad optics for a man with a professional career to even be seen in such a place.

And when I was his age all I wanted to do is get home to see my kids and kiss my wife. Delaying that for 10 or 20 minutes to sit amongst a handful of random proles in a bar is bizarre. Something is up.

You're so right. Where are the Executive Dive Bars?

They are downtown, they are expensive, and the bill is much higher. They stay longer too.