For those of you who don't have family help...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

You seem to assume that everyone has parents and siblings as loving and helpful as your family and that they just moved away for no legitimate reason--and if they had stayed, their family would help them raise their kids. What's your solution for people who come from abusive homes? Or who grew up with a parent or sibling with an addiction? What about people who grew up in impoverished areas? Or whose parents were emotionally or verbally abusive? Do you suggest all of those people never leave and raise their kids near their families so that they have help?

Families are complex, as are people. The fact that you think it's as simple as "you could have help if you hadn't moved away" says a lot about about your narrow, sheltered perspective.

I get all of that, obviously. But many many DC transplants aren’t here to escape poverty, abuse or dysfunction. They’re here for career. I know many people here from perfectly loving and functional families who left everything behind for their damned jobs. Then they complain that they don’t have local family help when they have kids. Then, when their kids grow up, they will be all about the kids going to the fanciest top brand college they possibly can, regardless of how far away it is, and the cycle repeats itself. I just don’t think that’s the way to go.

Wow. Enjoy the humble pie headed your way.

No projection here at all.

No, zero projection honestly. My question to you is: what have I said that’s wrong or inaccurate for many DCUM women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg, OP. Don’t listen to any of these people. They don’t have a life you want. They don’t have a marriage you want. And they certainly are not the sort of parent you probably want to be. Congratulations on being married to someone you want to spend time with. Congratulations on seeing through the crazy reality of parenting, which prevents you from actually getting great time with the person you picked to spend your life with!

We also had no help (and to be honest, we wouldn’t have accepted it anyway, for a variety of reasons). We also starting taking staycations (usually one night in a local hotel) when our kids were around 1 (I think we first left our youngest when she was 3 months old - newsflash, babies are easy, although pumping in a hotel room is not my favorite). Find a great nanny, cultivate babysitters and incorporate them into your lives like family. Use them repeatedly - we have two standing “late nights” (9pm like the wild party animals we are) per week. We take one week long trip a year without our kids. We generally each take one friends trip a year without our spouse. Lean into the advantage of having kids later, which is generally that you have a lot more money. Kids are wonderful. Kids are hard. Make your own breaks. Have fun. And don’t let any of these crazy puritans try to tell you that it’s not okay to want to spend time with your spouse

I’m sorry, but what on earth are you talking about? There’s not a single post on this entire thread where anyone says that you it’s not ok for OP to want to spend time alone with her husband.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you need frequent overnights to maintain your marriage. With a baby/toddler, they probably go to sleep around 7-8pm, so there’s 2-3 hours of together time, every single night. If you really can’t make it work with that, then get an au pair in addition to daycare so she can watch the kid on the weekends while you have couple time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

I moved less than 10 minutes from my parents to please them as that was as close as we could afford. My parents haven't helped once. Though they expect us to care for them as they age (they were healthy and able to help when the kids were little and my mom is still very healthy). I might see each of them a few times a year at best. They have other priorities.

It helps to work full time when you have family help. My child care fell through at the last minute so I had no other choice to quit as we couldn't afford a nanny on my salary as my salary barely covered day care for one child as a professional with a masters degree. My mom knew and never once offered to help. She did bitterly complain and still does years later that I quit but she hasn't given us a dime, never any presents for birthday parties (and when I say presents even something from dollar tree) and never helped us financially so its none of her business how we structure our family.

I suspect some of your kids have a very strained relationship with you but just humor you. I refuse to humor my parents anymore. I did for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We never had parental help, because ours are in Europe. Our circle is made up of internationals like us and Americans who for various reasons (aging parents, distance, family tension), also don't receive parental help.

Now all our kids are teens, I don't recall anyone complaining about this. It's the norm for most people we know. People pay for babysitting or forgo the dates. Since we didn't have a lot of money when our kids were little, we did not go on date night. We've always celebrated our anniversary with our kids - after all, that's why we got married, to have them! And we've always traveled with them, because they're cute and fun to have around.

Sorry, but I can't relate, OP.

+1
My parents are “young and spry” but I waited until I was 38-40 to have children also and I don’t have any feelings of missing out. I traveled, had plenty of nights out , dinners out and dates before my kids came along and I am quite content to spend my time as a family . It’s the season I’m in and it’ll pass one day and then I’ll get my freedoms back. Until then, I try to enjoy my current situation and you should too. There are other ways to get breaks …. My husband and I go to lunch while the kids are in daycare , we binge Netflix when they’re in bed , or we trade off solo time at the gym. You figure it out

[Anonymous]

I get it OP.
People with even ONE helpful, stable, healthy and involved extended family member have NO IDEA what they have. Never mind those with more than one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait you’re annoyed with your parents because they’re not spry when *you* decided to have a child late in life? That’s hardly fair.

I get what OP is saying. It is right no, but her feelings are valid due to the circumstances. Feelings are just that.

[Anonymous]

I get jealous because grandparents watched the older grandkids but too old now to watch my lively toddler now. I get it OP. Solidarity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

We had our kids "young" (under 30) and live close to both sets of grandparents. They just aren't interested. So please get down off your high horse.

Damn. You have 2 sets of able body grandparents that are not interested. So sad. Is it something deeper you are missing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

I moved less than 10 minutes from my parents to please them as that was as close as we could afford. My parents haven't helped once. Though they expect us to care for them as they age (they were healthy and able to help when the kids were little and my mom is still very healthy). I might see each of them a few times a year at best. They have other priorities.

It helps to work full time when you have family help. My child care fell through at the last minute so I had no other choice to quit as we couldn't afford a nanny on my salary as my salary barely covered day care for one child as a professional with a masters degree. My mom knew and never once offered to help. She did bitterly complain and still does years later that I quit but she hasn't given us a dime, never any presents for birthday parties (and when I say presents even something from dollar tree) and never helped us financially so its none of her business how we structure our family.

I suspect some of your kids have a very strained relationship with you but just humor you. I refuse to humor my parents anymore. I did for years.

Why would you “suspect” that some of my kids have a very strained relationship with me just because you have lousy parents? That’s quite a leap. There is nothing similar between your parents and us based on your description of your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

We had our kids "young" (under 30) and live close to both sets of grandparents. They just aren't interested. So please get down off your high horse.

DP here.
Curious who is to be blamed for this? You, your kids or your parents?

Us too. My parents will not do anything to help, even when I was hospitalized for a week. So, we just stopped asking or needing them. I stayed local to care for them but after how they've treated us over the years, they are on their own. Let my sibling do it who is the POA.

At 60 you are extremely wealthy to retire early.

My parents are 100% to blame.

Oh, they picked the sibling over you? For some reason they did not think you and your children were worthy? Yes, it is what it is but I think they will say that the fault lies with you. It is not easy for parents to forsake a child. Maybe they find you ungrateful and obnoxious. Maybe they do not like your dh. Maybe you are greedy.

[Anonymous]

Most people in your situation just pay for help. If you can't afford it, that sucks but welcome to reality. I'm a single mom and I've worked as a nanny before and after my kid was born. I'd love help too but I made the decision to have my kid so I have to accept everything that comes with that. I would love to hire a sitter but the reality is that I AM the sitter. I brought my kid to work with me as a nanny. I had hime 24/7/365 until he started school. Tiring, yes, but acceptance of the situation is what you need now. Be grateful that you have help in your spouse.

[Anonymous]

white people are so entertaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my husband and I are 40, and we are happy but sometimes exhausted parents of a lively and wonderful 1-year-old. Being older parents, and DH and I both also having parents who had us later in life, the 4 grandparents are all thankfully alive and loving, but in their late 70-early 80's and in varying states of health. They all love visiting with our kid, but none of them are really capable of watching a toddler on their own for even a pretty short period of time.

So when i hear about friends who are able to drop off their young kids off at grandma's and go away for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary, I seethe with jealousy. We wouldn't even be able to do that for a date night. We're probably not going to have another baby, but if we were I'd probably have to stay in the hospital by myself.

I guess I want to hear from others in this situation (or anyone else who has helpful thoughts) on how to deal with this both on an emotional level and a practical one. How to deal with the feelings of disappointment and jealously, and preventing it from turning it into resentment, either towards my parents and IL's who are all honestly lovely, or toward others who have the luxury of young, helpful grandparents?

And then on a practical level, how to compensate for this as much as we can. It's easy for us to trade off to give each other solo breaks, and we can use a babysitter for an evening. But I don't know when we'll ever be to get away by ourselves and be able to relax and reconnect, and I worry about the effect of that on our marriage. At what age is it ok to leave your child with a paid babysitter, or a friend maybe, overnight? I've thought about DH and I taking the day off and doing something fun together while DS is in daycare. Any other strategies?

I didn't read much beyond the OP so just responding to that:

DH was fifth (and a later life kid, nearest sib was 15 years older) so by the time we got married and then had a kid, his parents had been the full time multi-kid day care center for his two oldest siblings plus they were that much older. The last three siblings did not get help due to this.

We didn't have a date night for some time with DC honestly and when we finally did, it was only DH's sister whom I trusted to watch our kid for a few hours out. We did trade off and we would go out for a couple hours here or there with friends but mostly, we all hung out together and bonded. When DC was that young, they were going to bed early anyway so it wasn't as if we had zero alone time.

[Anonymous]

Did not read this whole thread but the answer is sleep away camp when they are old enough. We sent DS last summer at 7 for 5 days. He is getting ready to go for 2 weeks now.

It’s a win/win for you and your kid if they like sleep away camp!