For those of you who don't have family help...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Would your four daughters have had such career success in depressed flyover towns as they do in the DC area? It’s east to say don’t move away from family when you grew up in an area with ample opportunities. Not the situation for many of us.

[Anonymous]

I am now seeing the flip side of some of my friends who had significant help from their parents/ILs when their children were younger. Now their parents and/or ILs are older and need a lot of assistance (to doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, with paperwork, anything and everything). Some of my friends are openly annoyed to have "so much responsibility" in caring for their elderly. I bite my tongue for it is usually the ones who had the most help early on that are complaining the most bitterly now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

DP here. Some families are close knit and some are not. I think the grandma comes from a family where the family culture is to collectively help each other.

Also, the truth is that childcare and women’s rights are completely primitive in this country. So families that are not supporting each other will continue to have stressors. Career women know that the bulk of household responsibilities and child care responsibilities will fall on them, so if they are smart they will move next to parents and ILs who can support them. The grandma is not speaking untruth but the reality is that many people have to move far away from family because of jobs.

Grandma here lol. This is exactly right. And for the record we’re not from some exotic background. We’re an “American” family - just a tight -knit one.

Most recent example: one of our daughters just learned this week of an amazing opportunity that would be really helpful to her career, but requires her to travel for a couple of weeks to a few not real nice places. She has a toddler and a husband who also works full time. Guess who that toddler is going to stay for those few weeks when the dad isn’t around?

Well, aren't you just so wonderful it makes me dizzy!

Thanks! And here’s the thing: I’m not even kidding. If you knew what her assignment was you’d be super impressed. We’re thrilled she’s getting this opportunity and are happy to help out!

The DMV is full of successful and accomplished women. You’ll have more luck bragging to your friends in rural Mississippi.

[Anonymous]

I wish I knew you OP! I would watch your DC!

I am in the same boat. It sucks! My DH and I haven't had an overnight away since we had my second (yep, I am counting my c-section!). I had to beg my healthy parents to do it, including multiple times instances of attempting to back out 2 weeks before I delivered. I had a great childhood and but they both have a lot of trauma in their families of origin and it has manifested in strange ways as they age. My grandma was there for them in this manner to an extent but we never lived close to helpful family as kids so perhaps it's also an expectation thing.

It's hard, and I was way more bitter about it when my kids are little, but I do think there have been benefits in it for DH and me and our family as a unit. We are very resilient and divide and conquer well because we have no choice. We have friends who sign up to be the emergency contact and we do it for them, and I tear home from work to get their sick kids when they can't as if they were my own.

No, we don't get to do overnights together and it does suck. But as your kid gets older, you may find that opportunities arise for you to do that via friends. If someone offers, take them up on it!!

[Anonymous]

There are pros and cons to waiting to have kids at advanced age and this is one of the cons OP. Just try to focus on the pros of your situation and hire babysitters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

DP here. Some families are close knit and some are not. I think the grandma comes from a family where the family culture is to collectively help each other.

Also, the truth is that childcare and women’s rights are completely primitive in this country. So families that are not supporting each other will continue to have stressors. Career women know that the bulk of household responsibilities and child care responsibilities will fall on them, so if they are smart they will move next to parents and ILs who can support them. The grandma is not speaking untruth but the reality is that many people have to move far away from family because of jobs.

Grandma here lol. This is exactly right. And for the record we’re not from some exotic background. We’re an “American” family - just a tight -knit one.

Most recent example: one of our daughters just learned this week of an amazing opportunity that would be really helpful to her career, but requires her to travel for a couple of weeks to a few not real nice places. She has a toddler and a husband who also works full time. Guess who that toddler is going to stay for those few weeks when the dad isn’t around?

Well, aren't you just so wonderful it makes me dizzy!

Thanks! And here’s the thing: I’m not even kidding. If you knew what her assignment was you’d be super impressed. We’re thrilled she’s getting this opportunity and are happy to help out!

The DMV is full of successful and accomplished women. You’ll have more luck bragging to your friends in rural Mississippi.

Ha ha maybe but you’re still jealous anyway

[Anonymous]

Anyone old enough to decide to have a child is old enough take care of their child/children WITHOUT expecting their parents to give them free childcare. If you need help, hire help. Stop freeloading off your parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am now seeing the flip side of some of my friends who had significant help from their parents/ILs when their children were younger. Now their parents and/or ILs are older and need a lot of assistance (to doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, with paperwork, anything and everything). Some of my friends are openly annoyed to have "so much responsibility" in caring for their elderly. I bite my tongue for it is usually the ones who had the most help early on that are complaining the most bitterly now.

Eh, no.
Those are responsibilities that fall on you when you get into the sandwich generation, whether your parents helped you or not. Either you help your parents to do these tasks when they are not capable or hire someone to help them. If you have a good relationship with them that is, some may choose not to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

DP here. Some families are close knit and some are not. I think the grandma comes from a family where the family culture is to collectively help each other.

Also, the truth is that childcare and women’s rights are completely primitive in this country. So families that are not supporting each other will continue to have stressors. Career women know that the bulk of household responsibilities and child care responsibilities will fall on them, so if they are smart they will move next to parents and ILs who can support them. The grandma is not speaking untruth but the reality is that many people have to move far away from family because of jobs.

Grandma here lol. This is exactly right. And for the record we’re not from some exotic background. We’re an “American” family - just a tight -knit one.

Most recent example: one of our daughters just learned this week of an amazing opportunity that would be really helpful to her career, but requires her to travel for a couple of weeks to a few not real nice places. She has a toddler and a husband who also works full time. Guess who that toddler is going to stay for those few weeks when the dad isn’t around?

Well, aren't you just so wonderful it makes me dizzy!

Thanks! And here’s the thing: I’m not even kidding. If you knew what her assignment was you’d be super impressed. We’re thrilled she’s getting this opportunity and are happy to help out!

The DMV is full of successful and accomplished women. You’ll have more luck bragging to your friends in rural Mississippi.

Ha ha maybe but you’re still jealous anyway

DP here - you are a very strange and active troll. I still can’t quite figure out your angle though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

DP here. Some families are close knit and some are not. I think the grandma comes from a family where the family culture is to collectively help each other.

Also, the truth is that childcare and women’s rights are completely primitive in this country. So families that are not supporting each other will continue to have stressors. Career women know that the bulk of household responsibilities and child care responsibilities will fall on them, so if they are smart they will move next to parents and ILs who can support them. The grandma is not speaking untruth but the reality is that many people have to move far away from family because of jobs.

Grandma here lol. This is exactly right. And for the record we’re not from some exotic background. We’re an “American” family - just a tight -knit one.

Most recent example: one of our daughters just learned this week of an amazing opportunity that would be really helpful to her career, but requires her to travel for a couple of weeks to a few not real nice places. She has a toddler and a husband who also works full time. Guess who that toddler is going to stay for those few weeks when the dad isn’t around?

Well, aren't you just so wonderful it makes me dizzy!

Thanks! And here’s the thing: I’m not even kidding. If you knew what her assignment was you’d be super impressed. We’re thrilled she’s getting this opportunity and are happy to help out!

The DMV is full of successful and accomplished women. You’ll have more luck bragging to your friends in rural Mississippi.

Ha ha maybe but you’re still jealous anyway

DP here - you are a very strange and active troll. I still can’t quite figure out your angle though.

Ha! +1

Never encountered anyone so sure of their own superiority, yet desperate to convince total strangers of it. Does not compute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

DP here. Some families are close knit and some are not. I think the grandma comes from a family where the family culture is to collectively help each other.

Also, the truth is that childcare and women’s rights are completely primitive in this country. So families that are not supporting each other will continue to have stressors. Career women know that the bulk of household responsibilities and child care responsibilities will fall on them, so if they are smart they will move next to parents and ILs who can support them. The grandma is not speaking untruth but the reality is that many people have to move far away from family because of jobs.

Grandma here lol. This is exactly right. And for the record we’re not from some exotic background. We’re an “American” family - just a tight -knit one.

Most recent example: one of our daughters just learned this week of an amazing opportunity that would be really helpful to her career, but requires her to travel for a couple of weeks to a few not real nice places. She has a toddler and a husband who also works full time. Guess who that toddler is going to stay for those few weeks when the dad isn’t around?

Well, aren't you just so wonderful it makes me dizzy!

Thanks! And here’s the thing: I’m not even kidding. If you knew what her assignment was you’d be super impressed. We’re thrilled she’s getting this opportunity and are happy to help out!

The DMV is full of successful and accomplished women. You’ll have more luck bragging to your friends in rural Mississippi.

Ha ha maybe but you’re still jealous anyway

Jealous of what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am now seeing the flip side of some of my friends who had significant help from their parents/ILs when their children were younger. Now their parents and/or ILs are older and need a lot of assistance (to doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, with paperwork, anything and everything). Some of my friends are openly annoyed to have "so much responsibility" in caring for their elderly. I bite my tongue for it is usually the ones who had the most help early on that are complaining the most bitterly now.

I think caring for aging parents was going to fall on your friends regardless. At least they are close enough to help them without having to travel or having to move their aging parents near them. The only time I've seen a friend get out of eldercare for their parents is when they have a sibling nearby, or their parents need so much help that they put them in an assisted living facility. The best situations are the ones where the aging parents decide to move into one of those independent/assisted living places while they're still active, so that they can make friends and get used to a place before their health starts going downhill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am now seeing the flip side of some of my friends who had significant help from their parents/ILs when their children were younger. Now their parents and/or ILs are older and need a lot of assistance (to doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, with paperwork, anything and everything). Some of my friends are openly annoyed to have "so much responsibility" in caring for their elderly. I bite my tongue for it is usually the ones who had the most help early on that are complaining the most bitterly now.

I think caring for aging parents was going to fall on your friends regardless. At least they are close enough to help them without having to travel or having to move their aging parents near them. The only time I've seen a friend get out of eldercare for their parents is when they have a sibling nearby, or their parents need so much help that they put them in an assisted living facility. The best situations are the ones where the aging parents decide to move into one of those independent/assisted living places while they're still active, so that they can make friends and get used to a place before their health starts going downhill.

+1. This is OP. My husband already helps out his parents, who are local, a lot.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read the thread. You just pay for help. Overnight trips when you have young kids really isn’t the norm either.

I have 3 kids. Oldest is a teen now. When he was a baby/toddler, my mom did watch him and I tagged along with Dh for a conference. I missed my son so much and regretted not bringing him. DH and I take turns going away on adult trips but usually together without the kids. We can get a date sitter but we don’t even do that anymore. We hang out at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Would your four daughters have had such career success in depressed flyover towns as they do in the DC area? It’s east to say don’t move away from family when you grew up in an area with ample opportunities. Not the situation for many of us.

It’s also easy with wealthy parents who fully paid their education and retired very young.